chapter 18

Oct 16th 2011

Dear Diary,

Today Tyler asked me out. The Tyler, El and Perrie are so jealous but I don't care, they think he is too old for me but whatever. They also said they'll come over and help me pick out something to wear. I can't wait.

Nov 2th 2011

Tyler and I had a huge fight. He said I was acting like a little girl and that I need to grow up. He can be such a dick! I mean, he is only about a year older so what is he talking about. When I told him that he pushed me. Harry saw it and he went mad, screaming at Tyler, telling him if he ever does that again he will kill him. I love Harry, and I know he means well, but I am afraid that Tyler might break up with me now because of him. Harry keeps telling me I deserve better, and Perrie and Eleanor agree with him. But I love Tyler, I really do, he just has a bad temper, but I can change him.. I know I can.

Nov 25th 2011

People in this town are so fake! I wish I could just get up and leave. I hate my school and I hate the people in it, minus Harry, Perrie and Eleanor. They are the only people who really understand me. I never slept with Tyler! I never did that! But someone was spreading a rumor that I have, calling me a slut. Though I really don't understand, what if I had slept with him? He is my boyfriends is he not? Isn't that the type of things you do with your boyfriend? Hayley said Tyler is just playing me, and I am just one of his slutty girl collections. When I asked him about it he said I was stupid for believing the jealous girls.. After that he said that if the rumor is going on then maybe we should do something about it, make it real. When I told him I wasn't ready he just walked away.

Nov 26th 2011

Things are so much worse today. Someone stuck a list of names to my locker, saying all the names on it had sex with me. It isn't true! I left school early telling Harry I wasn't feeling well. I hope he doesn't find out what has been going on, he already got into trouble fighting Tyler on the football field, if he gets into another fight he will get expelled.

I wish I could be on that beach right now, the piece of beach and ocean in my room. It seems so quiet and peaceful, without all the drama of my stupid classmates..

Jan 5th 2012

I think I need to break up with Tyler, or I should finally sleep with him. He is becoming hard to be with. He is always drunk and always touching me, even when other people are around, and it is making me uncomfortable. Maybe if I sleep with him he will stop… I don't know.. I need to think about this.. there is a party coming up this weekend, I will make up my mind until then.

When I asked Eleanor and Perrie what they think they said I should break up with him, they said he's a sod and I can do better.

Jan 7th 2012

Tyler hit me today. I have a mark, and Perrie helped me hide it with makeup. I made her promise not to tell Harry, he is in enough trouble as it is. I think it is time to break up with Tyler, though he came over with flowers and apologized to me, maybe I should give him another chance.

Harry hates him. He is looking out for me, but I can take care of myself, god knows I don't try to break him up from that nitwit girlfriend of his.

I wish I lived in a perfect world, where stupidity wasn't a part of it, and so is the hate. Only love and truth, and caring. Maybe then I could truly be happy.

Though I know better than to wish for things, I learned long ago that my wishes don't come true.

Emma's POV

I find Harry on a bench outside, his sister's diary open on his lap, and tears streaming down his cheeks.

I am not sure of what to do, though after a while I decide to walk up to him. So what if he's crying? He saw me cry a few times in the past, so why would this be any different?

"Harry?" I call his name softly. I reach the bench and I lay a hand on his knee. He looks up at me, then swiftly wiping his eyes, removing all trace of his tears.

"What are you doing here?" He questions.

"I came to keep you company, reading a dead family member's journal is hard," I reply.

"Did your mum keep a journal?"

"Well not like this one, she had one of photos and drawings- these doodles she made, and she would sometimes write in some thoughts, and quotes she liked.. It's a window into their soul, it is a hard thing to come across," I sigh. My hand is still on his thigh, he doesn't move it or anything. Instead he hands me his sister's diary.

"She wrote this a day before she died," he whispers. I try my best not to cringe at the sound of his pained voice. He is hoarse from crying, and he still didn't manage to get it together, his voice cracking on the end of his sentence.

I look up and meet his gaze. His eyes are a bright green, a red line around the white of them, the result of his salty tears. His jaw is pressed, to keep his chin from shaking, and for a moment I can imagine what he looked like when he was younger.

I press his knees apart from each other, so I can fit myself in between them, reaching up and wrapping my arms around his neck, pulling his head to me, trying to comfort him the only way I know how, by a hug.

At first his body is stiff, not sure what to do, forever being the one to provide comfort, never being on the receiving end, not knowing what to do with it. After a moment I feel him let the tension leave him, falling against me and hugging me back. Harry buries his face in the bend of my neck, letting the sob he was keeping in flood out. I don't know what Hope wrote, but I do know what it feels like to find such a thing, and having a peek inside, getting a front row seat to someone's thoughts, emotion, fears, and secrets.

"I need to find Eleanor and Perrie," Harry pulls away from me.

"Why Perrie? Eleanor was the one to find this," I say.

"Their names come up all the time, they knew her best, they might know more than they ever said before."

Harry's POV

At first I was shocked seeing Emma in front of me. I didn't want her to see me this way, my eyes red my face stained, weak. Then she said aloud exactly what I felt, and I knew I wanted her here with me. I can be strong with her help. I push myself off the bench and take her hand in mine. She doesn't pull away like I was afraid she would, and to that I was grateful.

I walked us back into the school, knowing class had already started and I would probably need to pull the girls out somehow. But when we come close to the building's entrance I see Eleanor sitting on the floor, her knees pulled up to her chest leaning her back on the cold glass. When she sees us she gets to her feet crossing her arms. She's been crying too.

"Harry I'm sorry! I should have been a better friend to her, I could have saved her," She sobbed. I let go of Emma's hand and tug Eleanor closer to offer her a hug.

"You couldn't, I don't think she wanted to be saved, she kept going back to him," I murmured into her hair.

"I was a sucky friend, we all were," She cried.

"We couldn't have known, she kept it to herself," I said softly.

"But we did know, Perrie told me, and Hope wrote it in her diary, we could have done something and we didn't,"

"What could you have done? You were barely fifteen then," I shift back so I could see her face.

"I should have told you, you could have got her away from him," She sniffled.

"Well, maybe you can help me now," I said, glancing at Emma.

Emma was quiet, and I understood why. She didn't know Hope, she wasn't here when this all happen. The dynamics are weird to her, never seeing Eleanor and me in conversation before, and it will get even weirder once Perrie joins. None the less I wanted her there. She suffered a loss, she knows what this feels like. So I took her hand in mine and strode into the building heading towards English, where I shared the same class as Perrie.

"I'll get her out," Eleanor volunteered. Emma and I took a step back from the door, as El knocked and opened it.

"Hi Mr. Scott, I am sorry to interrupt, but Perrie is wanted at the front desk, I was sent to collect her," Eleanor said in a sweet voice.

I hear a chair being pulled back.

"El? What are you doing at the front desk?" I heard Louis's voice, which meant Niall was in that class then too, which also meant, there are going to be a lot of questions asked.

Before Eleanor got a chance to answer, Perrie pushed through her, and shut the door behind.

Emma's POV

"What the hell? Am I really wanted at the front desk?" Perrie questions when she sees Harry and me standing not far from Eleanor.

"No," I answer since none of them would. Perrie shakes her head and turns to go back into class, but Harry reaches out and stops her, holding out Hope's diary.

"Are you joking with me right now? Is this for real?" She stares at the diary, keeping her hands away as if she doesn't want it next to her.

"Do you recognize it Perrie?" Eleanor asks.

"It was missing! How the hell do you have it?" She tries her best to keep her voice down so people in the classrooms won't hear her.

"Someone put it in my locker," Eleanor replies.

"Do you have anything to do with this?" Harry demands in a harsh voice. Perrie's eyes go wide with hurt.

"Do you?" Harry presses.

"Leave her alone Harry! Can't you see this is new to her just as much it is new to you?" I stop him, laying a hand on his arm.

"We need to give this to your dad Emma, they looked for this diary for months," Eleanor turns to me.

"No! This stays a secret, at least after I finish going through all of it," Harry orders.

"You don't want to do that," El starts.

"Wait- did you read it?" Perrie asks her.

"I did, at first I just wanted to make sure this was really hers but then I just couldn't stop," Eleanor confesses.

"It's fine, what are you doing later on today? Is there any chance we can meet? Go through this together? You knew her just as good as I did," Harry beggs them.

"Yeah.. fine, at our old hangout place," Perrie answers.

"Is it still there?" Harry asks his brows rose.

"Yes, oh.. unless.. unless you want a different place?" Perrie backs off.

"No it is fine, at five then," Harry decides on a time.

"Five," The girls answer and turn, each headed to her classroom.

"Why were they looking for the diary?" I ask confused.

"Because, at first I pleaded innocent, blaming Tyler, but since he comes from money, and a powerful family, we knew the only way to prove he was hurting her was to find Hope's diary, since she wrote everything in it," Harry puffs out air.

"So why not take it to my dad?" I ask even more confused.

"Because! I don't know who put it in El's locker, where it suddenly came from, I want some answers of my own before I go to your dad, and after two years in juvie I think I deserve to get them,"

"Fine, all right then…good luck with this," I breathe at him. I haven't notice I was holding my breath this whole time, and letting it out makes me feel better. My head is hurting and I am glad this gathering ended, ending the tension with it.

"What do you mean? You are coming with," Harry exclaims.

"Why? I am not part of this, I didn't know Hope, why would you want me there?" I am surprised.

"Because, you being there makes it easier for me," The look in his eyes, the pure honesty combined with sadness I have never seen in his eyes until today, I just couldn't say no.

"I'll pick you up at 16:30, meet me out at the parking lot," He waits for my nod before a relieved smile appears on his face.

"Thanks Em," He touchs my cheek ever so lightly before turning, leaving me alone in the hallway.

When it was time, Emma made her way to the parking lot, towards Harry's SUV. Harry was already there, leaning his back on the passenger side. When Emma approached he opened the door for her, which is noticed by some of their classmates leaving the building. Harry noticed it too, and he knew this will get back to Niall, though he couldn't care less, this was much more important than Niall Horan worrying about his cousin getting in a car with Harry Styles.

Once Emma was seated in the car, Harry handed over my diary for her to read.

When I was alive, the thought of someone reading my deepest thoughts and secrets terrified me to no end, making sure it is always with me, and if not than well hidden. But now that I am no longer alive, I don't mind. Maybe it will give them some closure, ease the pain my brother and friends are living with. Maybe by Emma reading it, she will see how much we are alike, and understand how much meaning life has. Maybe she will understand my brother better, and maybe she will open up and let him in, since he is doing just that now, taking her with him, going back the first time since it happened, to the place I was killed.