Part 47 - Regret

Pugsley

I had forgotten how cold the world was without her next to me.

Although it might also be just because I had removed my ridiculous shiny outfit from my body, and was left sitting here in my usual attire that did not insulate my body warmth very well. 

Or perhaps it was a mixture of both. But the chill seeping into my bones was different from the temperature I was used to feeling, and I could swear that there was a shiver that ran up my spine as my mind tried to wrap around what I had just done.

It was so dumb.

So, so dumb.

I shouldn't have left her, I know I shouldn't have. I felt it in my gut with every step I took away from her, that it would have been better for me to stay, to hear what she had to say about all of it, but I just couldn't let her see me in such a pathetic state as the one I was in right now.

I wanted to stay with her. That look in her eyes was practically screaming at me to not walk away, but for some stupid reason I ignored it.

And now I was sitting here alone in the graveyard, regretting my decision to abandon her while I tried to distract myself with the piece of food I'd shoved in my pocket earlier in hopes of at least not thinking about she had looked at me when I told her what I did, about how I really felt about her.

I didn't know the first thing about love, or what it was really supposed to feel like, but if love isn't what I have for Y/n in whole mountains, then I had no idea what it was. Because just the action of being here without her was causing me to go slightly insane. I didn't want to be apart from her, ever... But I couldn't think clearly with her practically on the verge of tears at my long awaited confession.

Perhaps it was because I felt so much that she could just not keep up, or maybe she knew that she could not return my feelings, making her feel guilty. Even though she should never have to feel bad about the truth of how she feels towards me.

Either way, it killed me that I was the one to make her cry.

I heard her faint sobs in the last moments of walking away, and I had wanted nothing more than to run back to her, to hold her and tell her that it was okay, to let her feel her emotions until it tired her out to the point of her needing me to carry her back home to our dorm, where I would have let her sleep off the sadness, while I took that same time to accept that I may only ever just be a best friend to her.

But I was a coward. A coward who took the easy way out, and I hate myself for doing that to her. I hadn't even let her speak... I was just so scared that she would confirm the very thing I thought was true. That what I'd heard Ajax say to her in that hall, about how his feelings had changed to now say that he felt for her in the same way that I wasn't sure that she didn't still feel for him in return.

I knew it was a possibility that her heart still laid with him, even just a little bit. She had said she moved on from him after he had ignored her the other day, but I know from experience that distance from the one you care for only makes the heart beat harder for them.

And after he told her that he wanted to be more than just her friend, I had so badly desired to fight for her heart, to keep her for myself. And I mean, literally, I would have fought that guy for her. I did not care for a single second what happened to him, if it meant that Y/n could be mine, but I wouldn't let myself do that with her standing right there.

Because as much as she may despise me right now for dumping all of my feelings on her without any warning only minutes after Ajax had done the same thing, she would have hated me more if I'd knocked one of her closest friends out cold for everyone to see, simply because I saw him touch her in a way that I could tell hurt her.

If I really had done what I wanted to in that moment, maybe this would have gone differently, but I still would've put a rift between us that would take forever to heal.

All I wanted was my best friend, and right now it was all my fault that I didn't have her by my side.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

None of this would have happened if I had just been man enough to tell her how I felt sooner. And instead of hearing her out, letting her speak and just talking to her, I ran away.

Maybe there was still time to go back...maybe I could still apologize for leaving her alone. Well, I suppose that part wasn't true, she had Eugene with her, but it wasn't the same. If I was with her right now, she'd be in a hug so tight that she'd think every bone in her body was going to break, because that's just how much I loved her.

I loved her enough to hold her when she needed me to, but I also loved her enough to let her go if it was what she really wanted. And no, I don't mean from a hug.

But I should have let her tell me herself what she was feeling, but I was just so wrapped up in my own head that I couldn't see how badly she probably wanted me to shut up and let her talk.

And god that moment when I had kissed her. Again, I don't think you could really classify it as a real kiss, but it felt right when I did it, almost like a goodbye that I didn't want to have to say with words, so I used my actions instead.

But she was intoxicating, even without trying to be. The softness of her skin, the sweet smell of her hair that I wanted to never leave behind ever again. It didn't have to be a goodbye if I could help it.

She was mine, whether I was able to say it aloud or not.

Fuck, maybe I really should go back for her...or at least call her.

I reach for the phone in my pocket, and the screen lit up my face more than usual in the dark of the night, and my eyes fall upon the very photo of her that I had grown so attached to, and continued to do so every time I saw it.

She's beautiful...

Even in all of her 0.5 glory, she was still the most amazing thing I have ever seen. 

I thought it was kind of humorous that even when she wasn't here, she could still make me laugh. My funny girl...

I shouldn't call her, I think we both need a bit of space right now to deal with all of this shit individually, and then maybe tomorrow we can talk. But right now, I just needed to think.

I sigh, leaning my head back as my eyes drift over to look at the moon.

Huh, well I mean she was definitely right about one thing, the moon was not painful to look at in the slightest. Honestly it was more mesmerizing than I had ever taken the time to actually admit, but I could see why she loved it so much. It had more of a subtle beauty to it than the sunlight did. 

Plus it was helping me see in the dark out across the graveyard, along with the help of the few dim lanterns hung above where I was sitting.

I suppose it had more of a practicality to it than the sun did. Sure the sun helps things to grow, keep living, nourish all life on earth. But if there was only the sun, without a break of constant beating down 

My head tilted back down as I swallowed the last bite of food I had chewed, and my hand raised the snack up to my mouth again to take another, but there was something fluttering towards me that caught my attention before I could do so. 

Was that...?

Weird...what was one of Eugene's moths doing all the way out here? Wasn't he waiting back at school for them to come back to him?

The insect flapped it's tiny wings until it landed itself right onto my hand as I extended it out for  it to find, and I couldn't help but smile as it's movement came to a slow stop, and I found a certain beauty to it's wings that I couldn't see before when I was only looking at them in a container that Eugene kept them in.

But up close like this was different, more peaceful.

I mean, as peaceful as one could be right now in my situation. 

The moth flew away almost just as quickly as it had gotten settled, and I had that weird feeling in my gut that I had felt many times before. Usually when I could sense that my sister was lurking somewhere behind me in wait to inflict pain upon me in some way, but this time I could tell it wasn't Wednesday.

But I was definitely not alone out here right now.

Was it her?

No, she hates the graveyard, she wouldn't come within 100 meters of this place, says it gives her the creeps just thinking about it. And honestly fair enough, I'm pretty sure I saw a dead skunk on the ground earlier that looked like somebody had put it in a blender and then left it out in the sun for too long.

I was a little tempted to bring it back with me when I finally decided to leave this place and maybe go back to the cottage to stay with my parents for the night. I know they would have appreciated the food supply, but at the same time I just wasn't in the mood to carry it around. Plus I'm pretty sure it was way beyond saving for parts, even for them.

But that's not the point right now. There is someone watching me, and I wanted to know who it was.

My head slowly turned to look behind me, past one of the pillars that held a lantern, and the figure that I could see emerging from the darkness made me skin crawl, like in a good way. And it wasn't who I was expecting to see tonight at all, though it did explain the moths.

"Hello old friend..."

It was a guy, tall and serious, and I knew him...just by his cold and whispering tone. It was the same as the one I had heard him speak back at Pilgrim world when I'd found him, only back then he was hunched over a dead body eating its' brains out.

But you know, we all have a past.

He looked different now, dressed in an outfit that looked a lot like the one's I'd seen earlier tonight back at the gala. And the fact that he looked way more human than the last time we'd met, made me kind of happy to see. I really had given him a second chance at life...

His eyes were sort of covered by the mask, but they were pointed directly at me, and I smile subtly the closer he got. This is actually really fucking cool, it's hard to believe that a few weeks ago he looked like a decaying corpse, and now...

Well, he doesn't.

"Slurp? Is that you?"

I had gotten so used to that name when referring to him, I kind of forgot I should probably be calling him Isaac, like my sister had told me was his actual name.

But he didn't correct me, instead he carefully lifted the mask off of his face and discarded it onto the concrete below him, and his face was fully visible under the soft light of the lanterns. He really was human.

He looked like any other regular guy that you'd see out on the street, you wouldn't even know what he started out as if you hadn't seen it yourself, it would sound like a total lie that this guy was once a zombie that I resurrected from the ground that night by the skull tree.

I mean I couldn't smell rotting flesh anymore, so he must be doing something right. Or something incredibly wrong, seeing as he was the one who killed Orloff and ate his brains, which is how he was even able to heal in the first place according to him.

He kneeled down right next to me, maintaining a weird amount of eye contact, and honestly I was sort of admiring him, it was my doing after all that he was even able to live again, I feel kind of proud of myself.

He spoke in a quiet, shrill voice.

"Pugsley...I hate to ask, but..."

There was a long, dramatic pause that I wasn't really sure why he did, but alright.

"I need your help..."

I was going to say yes. His request for my help with something made me think that maybe he did want to be buddies again after all, and that's all I've wanted from the start.

But there was this look in his eyes that stopped me.

Behind the seemingly innocent tone he put on, I could see a glint of evil in his pupils, a look I knew all too well from my sister, only this time I couldn't tell what he was planning, only that it couldn't be good for me.

Though before I had the chance to ask him what he was thinking, a sly grin spread across his face, and I felt my stomach drop when his hand shot up, and before I had time to react, there was a piece of cloth being held against my nose.

Okay time to panic.

But turns out panicking is exactly what I shouldn't have done, because it caused my breathing to speed up to the point that whatever kind of drug he had put on this thing, was seeping into my lungs a lot quicker than I had hoped, and with each inhale I took I could slowly feel myself fading out of consciousness. 

I tried to grab at his hands, but my weakened state made it pointless to pull him away.

The only thing I heard before my vision went completely dark, was the faint calls of my name in the distance, two voices that I recognized from different parts of my life, and I wanted to yell out back into the night to stay away, turn back before anyone else got put in danger.

Because one of them belonged to her.