// C H A P T E R E I G H T //

The place screamed havoc. In one corner was a girl doing lines, another corner was a guy standing at a keg. It was loud, the music was so loud it rang through my ears and I could feel it in my chest. Some sort of rap music, old American rap music...if I was right, it was Tupac. The place was a complete mess nonetheless. Matty pushed his way through the crowd, looking back to make sure I was still behind him.

"ARE YOU LOOKING FOR SOMEONE?" I shouted over the music.

He turned around, "YEAH!"

Well that helped. I expected him to at least tell me who.

I felt someone push me, I looked beside me uncomfortably, some guy with a beer can in his hand, over excited about the song and grooving over to some girl wearing almost nothing at all. I grabbed onto the back of Matty's coat.

"MAN! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!" He stopped at a guy in sunglasses...I remembered when Matty wore his sunglasses when there was no sun out...is this something they just...do...here? I smiled to myself, looking at the guy.

He took his sunglasses off and looked at me, "is she yours?"

Matty leaned his head back, "is she mine, what do you mean is she mine?" He laughed, "she's not property."

I laughed too, I loved the way his accent neglected the pronunciation of the T's in words.

The guy laughed, "well if she's not let me know." He winked at me playfully. I began to feel uncomfortable, pushing my hair back and looking away. Oh no, what if he thinks you're trying to look sexy for him or something, don't touch your hair!

"Ha, ha..." Matty said sarcastically, "got what I want?" He asked.

The guy nodded, looking around and placing a small plastic bag into his hand. Matty looked at it, so did I. I couldn't quite tell what it was. And there as there were so many different smells in the air of alcohol, pot, food, and sweat, I couldn't make it out before he shoved it into his pocket and slipped him some money.

"Cool." He gave him an awkward looking bro hug.

"Don't tell anyone you got it from me, I'm all out I saved the best for last." He pointed at Matty.

Matty nodded, placing his hand on my back as we walked away from him. I looked up at him, "what was that?"

He moved his hand as we stepped into an area more free of people, "you do smoke, don't you?" He asked.

"Uh..."

"It's just weed." He laughed.

"Oh. Psh...yeah." I lied, this was my second time lying to him. I felt ridiculous.

"Let's go smoke this then." He showed me the bag, it was pot indeed.

I followed him outside to the patio, it was almost empty minus a few couples making out. I zipped my jacket up, looking around. He went over to a bench, pulling out joint paper.

"Sit down." He said, looking up at me as I stood over him. I did as he said, he laughed, "if you want to I meant. Sorry I didn't mean to tell you what to do."

I smiled, "it's okay, I wanted to...who's house is this?" I asked.

"The lad I just got this from." He said, concentrated. I watched him break up the weed into the paper and throw the stems. The aroma was so strong, I felt like I could get high just by smelling it.

I remember the time I did get high in the past...it was fun I guess. I laughed, I ate, and I was fine. I tried to convince myself that it would be the same way, just with different company. But somehow I began to want to back out...but backing out wouldn't have been a smart move at all, especially since I'd already given him a hard time about coming inside in the first place...don't make him tired of you already and you've only just met.

He finished up the joint, rolling it up and licking the paper. He took a lighter out of his pocket and lit the joint, holding it up to his mouth. I watched him closely, the way he closed his eyes with it up to his mouth...the way his hair blew slightly in the breeze...I laughed at how over dramatic I'd felt about him...this isn't a movie, the wind is blowing, his hair is moving, whoopty doo. I suddenly laughed, he looked at me as he inhaled the smoke. He held it in for a quick moment.

"Sorry." I said.

"What are you laughing at?" He asked, blowing the smoke out and puffing it one more time.

"Nothing." I smiled and shrugged.

He handed the joint over to me. I took it, it was still lit. I held it up to my mouth, hesitantly. He watched me, it made me feel even more nervous. I took a puff, a little too hard of one...the back of my throat ached, I coughed all of the smoke out before I could hold it in. He raised his eyebrows, watching me.

This shit happened to me every time. I'd choke, die, and not even be asked if I'm okay or need water. I was instantly reminded of high school back home in California.

I puffed it one more time, my eyes low...not because I was high yet, but because of all the smoke in my face. This time I didn't cough, I passed it back to him, holding it in.

I already felt something. I guess because I hadn't gotten high in a long time, or either because this was the most effective weed I've ever smoked...not that I've smoked a lot.

He took his hits, I exhaled the smoke and tried to restrain from shivering.

"So why do you live with your father?" He asked, passing it back to me.

"I'm going to university soon...I wanted to travel." I said, taking another hit.

He nodded, "why such a late start? If you don't mind me asking."

I turned to him, blowing the smoke in his face on accident, he smiled, his eyes growing smaller and tighter, he laughed softly.

"I'm sorry," I turned my head, which felt like it was going in a swooshing motion with every movement...as if I was on a roller coaster or something. Yep, I was high... "um, what did you ask me again?" I asked, taking another hit.

"Why such a late start?" He asked.

I passed it back to him as it went smaller in my hand, "I uh..." you're not eighteen, you're not eighteen... "I....I..." I couldn't focus. My mind wouldn't shut up, I kept thinking all these different things at once, "I dunno." I shrugged.

He blew his smoke in my face back, smiling, I laughed and pushed him softly, "hey."

"I think I've had enough." I said, trying to contain my thoughts and slow them down. I suddenly could hear my heart beating, hear it...not just feel it...but hear it. I took a deep breath.

"Alright." He said, finishing it off.

"Do you ever feel...a little...nervous when you're high?" I asked.

"No. I feel good." He looked at me, "are you alright?" He asked.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine I was just...making conversation." I laughed as if it were the funniest thing I'd ever said or heard myself say. He just looked at me, chuckling.

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As the party went on I just began to feel confused, alone, and paranoid...I missed my dad...for the first time ever...I missed my mom, I missed my friends. I wanted so bad to call them, any of them...even the ones I didn't necessarily leave on good terms with. Images of my house back home came to my mind, my old school, and the areas we'd hang out in...

Matty looked at me as I finally came back to earth...it felt like I had jumped back into my body exactly where I had left it before I went into deep thought. I'd never felt like this before...

"What kind of weed was that?" I asked.

"...regular." He said, "you are so baked." He sat up, looking at me and cackling.

"Why do you say that?" I touched my face, feeling as if there were something on it that he was laughing at.

"You just sat here...for what," he looked at the time on his phone, "almost ten minutes....in the same position... like this," he mimicked me.

My heart raced, it wouldn't slow down, "I think I smoked too much..." I said, my voice sounded animated...it sounded like it belonged in a scary movie...it sounded more dramatic than it felt.

"You only took two or three hits..." he said, "do you want to go inside? Maybe--"

"No, no, Matty we can't." I grabbed onto his coat, suddenly feeling as though I was in a scene from an old time murder mystery film.

"What, why?!" He asked.

"Everyone will know." I whispered.

He laughed hysterically, "that's okay, they're all stoned too, or drunk or high on something else." He shook his head, "boy you have a low tolerance."

"Matty..." I said, clutching my fists around his coat even tighter, he looked at me, confused.

"...yes?" He said, a stiffness in his voice.

"We can not...go in there..." I whispered.

"We'll go inside, and away from people. Alright?" He said, "it's cold out here, aren't you cold?" He asked.

I nodded, I felt like a small child. I had to keep my mind occupied, I shook my head over and over, trying to gain back control of my mind.

He stood up, waiting for me to follow. I did slowly after, the music was too much as soon as the glass door slid open. It was some kind of loud...British...rock and roll. I held onto my head even tighter, it drove me insane, and felt as though it was controlling me.

"Ohp, this way." He grabbed me by my waist as I continued straight at his turn up the stairs. I turned around nearly stumbling, following him up.

He must've opened the doors to at least two to three different bedrooms that were occupied by couples getting ready to, if not already fucking like wild animals.

Finally he opened the door to an empty one, he let me in first, then shut the door behind us. I looked around, the lights were dim. It felt more romantic than it needed to be.

I unzipped my jacket and threw it in who knows what direction, my arm felt light as a feather, and the jacket felt heavier than a bag of bricks. I laid across the bed, feeling guilty. I should be home, in bed, not stoned out of my mind at a wild party with a man I barely know...

"Are you alright...?" He asked, I stopped myself as I noticed I was holding my head.

"I'm fine...I just...I've never felt like this before. I've been high before. But I've never felt like this...I feel...I...I don't know." I said.

"Its alright, paranoia is normal with this stuff. I hate that kind of high. Just relax, alright." He said, walking over to me and taking his coat off also.

"Can you just hug me?" I asked, I desperately longed to not feel so alone...in that very moment, I'd never wanted the company of another person so bad.

"Of course." He reached out and wrapped his arms around me tightly. I suddenly slipped into a state of security, I felt safe...and less guilty. He smelled like cigarettes and slightly like cologne, good expensive cologne.

"Matty...do you feel like how I feel right now?" I asked.

"I'm barely high..." he laughed, "but I do this quite often so..."

I laughed too, I knew he was telling the truth.

"You know what, I don't want to ruin the party for you. I'm gonna just go wait in the car. I got the keys. Remember?" I mumbled.

"You're not ruining anything for me, but are you sure?" He asked. I nodded, letting go of him as he let go of me too and grabbing my jacket.

He grabbed his coat, following me out. Just as I opened the door I saw George in the hallway, he saw me too. I shut the door immediately. I didn't know why, I just did.

"What? Who is it?" Matty asked.

"George." I said.

The door opened, I turned around to see him looking at us, "oh..." he laughed.

"Hey where have you been?" Matty asked him.

"Looking for you...but I guess you were uh..." he looked at me, then back at George, "busy."

"I was on my way to go to the car...to clear my head for a minute." I said, putting my jacket on.

"We weren't doing anything." Matty said, taking a cigarette out of his pocket and lighting it.

I walked past George, heading down the stairs. I pushed my way through the crowd, feeling so light on my feet that I could float if I wanted to. I pulled the keys out of my pocket as I got outside into the coldness. I unlocked the doors and got in the front seat. Thinking I'd escape the coldness, it was in fact even colder in the car. I searched for the heater, I had no idea how to work it but I fiddled with every button and somehow managed.

There was a tapping on the window. I jumped, scared out of my mind. It was George. I rolled my eyes, what did he want? Go find that chick you were too busy with to pick me up...not that I care. Matty was the perfect substitute.

I reached behind me and opened the door to the back seats. He got in, rubbing his hands together and blowing into them.

"Hey." He said, smiling.

"Hello George." I said.

He laughed, "why'd you say it like that?"

I shrugged.

"Are you alright?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I shrugged.

"Are you sure?"

I held my breath, before soon bursting, "no. No I'm not alright, okay? I'm stoned out of my mind, I don't know how long this will take to end, I feel scared and nervous...I can't control my mind...it won't stop going on and on and on...I've never felt like this before."

"And that's...a bad thing?" He asked.

I turned on the radio, searching for something similar to what I'd listen to back home. I pushed and pushed and pushed the buttons until finally it landed on a station playing Summer Breeze by Seals and Crofts.

I closed my eyes, "is it supposed to be fun?" I asked.

"Well, yeah...I feel a little bit like that right now and I like it." He said.

"Come here." He said, sitting up a bit. I sighed, I didn't feel like getting out of the car to go to the backseats.

"I'm gonna climb back there." I said.

He nodded as I climbed up on the seat, careful not to tear anything with my shoes. I ended up falling slightly, he laughed and grabbed me, "careful."

"Sorry," I said.

"It's okay, I just don't want you to get hurt." He said, "now come here." He wrapped his arms around me slightly, waiting for my acceptance.

I wrapped my arms around him too, burying my face against his chest.

"Georgeeee'" I whined, "when will it be over?"

"I don't know...you're gonna be fine though." He said.

His hand was incredibly low, in fact, almost touching my ass...I didn't say anything as I felt his hand reaching up higher...then suddenly underneath my blouse and up my back.

"George?" I asked.

"Just relax." I could feel his hands against my bra strap, unhooking it.

"What are you doing?!" I pushed him away, he put his hands up.

"I'm sorry..."

"Ugh, I can't believe you." I reached behind me and hooked my bra back together.

"I thought that's what you wanted..."

"Are you drunk?!" I found myself shouting.

"A little." He confessed.

"Yeah well I'm not. Don't try to take advantage of me because of the way I feel. I thought so highly of you and now I see you're just as bad as anyone else!"

"I wasn't taking advantage of you!" He said.

I got out of the car, feeling like some sort of hooker in the night.

"Look, I'm sorry! It's a party! I'm drunk, you're high, I thought-"

"You thought what? That you could score on me tonight? Is that why you invited me in the first place?!"

"NO!"

I stormed back into the house, pushing past everyone in an aimless destination.