// C H A P T E R N I N E //

I suddenly began to feel lost, lost in not only my own thoughts...but in direction of my life. I stopped, standing in the middle of the crowded room. Everyone around me seemed to be dancing and having a good time, and whether they were able to hold their highs or drunkenness or not, they still were with people. People they knew, people who they could feel this alive with...

If I were back home and feeling the way I felt tonight, alone, paranoid, and scared...I'd have someone who actually cared about me to hug. I'd have someone to make me laugh, smile, and feel okay. I didn't know a single person in the room, not one. I continued to walk, not knowing where to even begin to search for Matty.

I wandered up the stairs, hoping and desperately praying that the room Matty and I were in wasn't now occupied. The stairs seemed to go on forever and ever, I felt weak...is it because I'm high, or because I feel like shit?

I stopped midway up, holding onto my head as I felt myself swooshing with every step. I didn't want to get the idea that I actually could float, as I felt like I was...stop over thinking, stop over thinking...

"You alright?" I jumped, turning around. It was a girl.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine." I nodded.

"Are you sure?" She asked, looking at me through truly sympathetic eyes.

I couldn't believe someone actually stopped to take the time to ask me if I was okay. I nodded, continuing up the stairs, "I'm alright, thank you."

She watched me as I left, I had no interest in meeting anymore people, and if I told her I wasn't okay, I'd end up having to talk to her I'm sure. I took my jacket back off, all I wanted to do was lay on that bed. I passed up the doors I surprisingly remembered led to the occupied bedrooms. Then slowly opened the door to the one we were last in, peeking in.

Matty was there, his head buried into his hands as he sat on the edge of the bed...he looked the worst a person could possibly look...well, an attractive person I mean.

"Matty?" I asked, unsure if it was okay to come in or not.

He looked up slowly, his eyes red as fire, and glossy.

"Oh hey," he sat up and ran his fingers through his hair, sniffling and wiping his nose, "come in if you want."

My heart began to race as I realized he'd been crying...or really really high...but no...he was crying for sure. I came in and shut the door behind me carefully, standing next to it...hesitant on taking any steps toward him...I didn't know how to handle it.

"Are..." I watched him wipe his face, "are...you okay?" I asked.

"I'm cool." He shrugged.

I looked around, seeing baggies sprawled along the bedside table beside him.

"You don't seem like it." I said, slowly walking over to the bed and looking down at him.

He sighed, staring at the wall, "why do you think people hurt one another?"

"What do you mean?" I sat down beside him, hugging my jacket against my chest.

"Exactly what I said."

I thought for a moment, "maybe they don't mean to, at least not always...people can't control the way they make other people feel. They can try...but...for the most part, they can't."

He nodded and looked at me, I looked at him too, "where is this coming from?" I asked.

He shrugged, with a sense of hopelessness, "I'm a mess."

"What? No you're not."

"I'm a fucking mess." He said, grabbing the baggies on the bedside table and standing up, "this shit, this shit controls me okay..." he struggled for breath, I held onto mine. He made me nervous, and scared as he raised his voice.

"I'm a slave to this shit, every party, every...fucking party!" He cried, I set my jacket beside me, unsure of what to do.

"It's just pot." I shrugged slowly, trying to calm him down.

"No, what me and you had, was 'just pot,' this, no this shit is not pot." He showed me the bags, they were filled with a white substance. My eyes widened, as I realized what it was...a bag of coke. "Matty..." I whispered.

"I didn't do it, but I want to...but I can't, I can't...I can't," He continuously pushed his hair back, nervously pacing back and forth, "every time I do I just fuck up the best things I have in life, and hurt people."

"You don't have to." I said, standing up.

"You don't understand." He turned around, facing me. I could smell alcohol on his breath, the pain I could see in his eyes hurt me too...I was always pretty sensitive and empathetic, it was my least favorite part of myself... and even more now since I felt so high.

"Well help me understand then, I want to help you...if you let me." I said, feeling tears swelling up in my eyes. I reached out for the bags in his hand, he slowly surrendered.

"I can't." He said, breaking down into tears. It was the first time I had ever experienced a person crying to me, other than my best friend back home.

I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him uncomfortably. I didn't know if it was actually okay to hug him, but it was my instinct...

He wrapped his arms around me too, hugging back.

"It's okay to cry..." I said, "its okay..." I held back the tears that built up in my eyes, they caused my eyes to sting, as one finally fell. I guessed I was just scared, and only thought that I had problems that needed to be heard...that I was the only person going through the amount of things I felt like I went through every single day, forever...since the beginning of time.

I started to wonder about him. Is that why he goes to psychology?

He let go of me slowly, I let go of him also, looking at the bags in my hand, "I'm gonna toss these, okay?" I went to the garbage by the door, he nodded.

I turned around after throwing the bag away, seeing him laying on the bed. I sighed, I wanted to lay down...

I went and sat at the end of the bed, grabbing my jacket.

"Can you lay with me?" He asked.

I looked at him, raising an eyebrow, "are you gonna try to fuck me?" I asked, no longer caring how I sounded as I was about one hundred percent done at this point after George trying to make a pass at me outside.

He shook his head, miserably, "are you gonna try to fuck me?" He asked, his voice muffled against the bed.

I shook my head too, positioning myself in a comfortable spot and laying down beside him, closing my eyes, "Are we supposed to be so sad at a party like this?" I asked, laying flat on my back.

"No..." he answered, "we're the only ones."

"I never want to come to another party again." I said, opening my eyes and looking up at the ceiling, hey, look..."

He looked at me and followed my eyes up to the ceiling, where a huge cluster of glow in the dark stars lied.

"Wow, that's entertaining." He said, I didn't know if he meant it or was just saying it...

"I have those in my bedroom too." I said, damnit you're still over talking yourself.

He looked at me and laughed, I laughed too, "don't laugh at me."

"That's really cool. you're really cool. I'm glad I met you." He smiled.

I laughed again, it was a way to dodge the feelings I didn't want to catch for a beautiful man who was most likely only saying these things because he was drunk and high.

"Really." He assured me.

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The party died down more than half way when we walked downstairs, my high had slowed itself down loads. I still felt it, but not nearly as much. I followed Matty as he approached Adam who sat on a chair looking at a magazine. I smiled to myself, he looked so innocent all the times I'd seen him.

"Hey, where's Ross and George?" He asked.

Adam looked at me, he didn't seem happy at all. I began to feel as though his unhappy face was towards me...but no...that would be ridiculous. He shrugged, flipping the page, "Ross went home. No idea where George is. But why don't you ask your new girlfriend." He tossed the magazine in the bin of other useless magazines and books beside him.

"What?" Matty and I both said at once.

"The last time I saw him he was beating himself up over you." He looked at me.

My jaw dropped instantly, "he tried to make a pass on me!"

"What? When?" Matty looked at me.

My heart raced out of pure humiliation.

"Well maybe if you didn't lead him on he wouldn't have. You know him a few days you let him in your house oh and stay for dinner and follow him to a party" Adam shrugged, "just a thought."

I suddenly began to feel as though he wasn't as nice as he looked anymore...he hated me...it was the worst feeling to have a nice person hate you. Even more to think that George might have now too.

"You know what...I'm gonna just go wait in the car. I'm ready to go home." I looked up at Matty, trying to keep control of my uneasy breathing.

Matty rolled his eyes, confused, "...alright..." he said slowly.

I reached into my pockets, wandering outside. I felt around for the keys, they were no where in either one of my pockets. My heart nearly fell out of my chest now. I turned my jacket upside down and shook it as I walked, praying for the sound of keys falling against the cement. I ran over to the parking space I'd remembered being there. Gone.

The car was gone.

I didn't have the keys...

And the car was gone.