K.McCabe: Insomnia

You still remembered the excitement you had when you pushed the submit button on your university application.

The nights out, nights in with your new flatmates, the cheap student union drinks—you wanted it all.

But no one had warned you about this year. The final year.

Perhaps you should've known what lay ahead when you were given your timetable. The usual four-hour lectures were gone, and instead you had pretty much nothing but free time. That's what the optimistic part of your brain had told you, but now you wish you'd listened to the pessimistic part of your brain that had told you it seemed too good to be true.

Finding yourself battling to complete your assignments on time had come pretty early into the year. The library had become your second home, and time spent with your girlfriend had become a luxury that you weren't afforded very often.

It didn't help that she was Katie McCabe.

The two of you had been together for just over two years, having been in the same room six times before fate brought you together in a completely different environment. Or, at least, that's what you let her believe. The reality was that it had taken her a while to notice you, but you'd been besotted with her from the first time you set eyes on her.

It had been a class you'd considered ditching until you were told there was a special guest, someone from Ireland, and for a second, you let yourself believe it might've been Dermot Kennedy coming in to sing you a few ballads. Of course, being a sports student, the suspicion that it might've been him was completely ridiculous; you weren't sure why you were surprised by that. 

You were enticed first by her physical attributes—her perfectly straight hair and figure-hugging top—that left little to the imagination. Expecting to spend the entirety of her talk zoned out and drooling, you were pleased to find that you actually found her words interesting.

She was funny, charming, and cheeky. When the presenter would attempt to outsmart her, you noticed how she could always seem to be prepared for anything that was thrown her way.

You weren't like that at all.

That's why, when it came to introductions at the end of the talk, you slinked out the fire exit door in a hurry. You knew you'd only say something silly to her, or worse yet, not be able to say anything at all.

For each of the six weeks that Katie was booked to come into the lecture, you would ogle and wonder but never, ever, would you attempt to make conversation with her at the end of class.

Fate would do what fate does best, though.

With your student loan not matching rising rent costs, you'd taken a job at a local nightclub, trying to make ends meet without having to put pressure on your parents. It was a popular attraction for people wanting to enjoy the clubbing experience without the drunken students clogging up the toilets to vomit like most of the other places in your area.

That particular night, you'd been doing your best to get through a busy bar of customers. Men were batting their £20 notes in your face, women were shouting babe, babe across the bar to you, and you were doing everything you could to avoid eye contact with all of them.

You had a system going, memorising the tops of the people who had been waiting longest and trying to work your way through them as best you could. Of course, you were used to the little shouts of fuck sake from customers who weren't next on your list every time you served someone who wasn't them. You experienced this every Saturday night, getting used to not taking it personally.

But then it became personal.

"I've been here twenty minutes!" A drunken man scoffed at you as you served the man beside him.

You ignored him, continuing to mix together the drinks you needed for this particular cocktail and hoping he would learn that silence really is the best option when you're trying to be served by hospitality staff.

"Did you hear me? I've been here twenty minutes!"

Again, you ignored him as you passed the drinks to the other customer and moved to the woman on the other side of the man to serve her.

"What's your fucking problem? Huh?" The man shouted again, a little more aggressively this time.

Shock, you ignored him again. You knew that engaging was only wasting time that you didn't have, and you knew that he was actually next on your list of customers anyway. Win win.

Wrong.

"Are you fucking deaf?" He continued.

This time, you gave in. You kicked yourself the second you had done it, but your mind had forced you to respond to him, likely out of that typical fear that women have at the hands of drunken men.

"I'm going as quickly as I can, you're next." You smiled through gritted teeth."Don't fucking smile at me."

You were all but done with this man. You ignore him; he's angry. You acknowledge him; he's angry. You shook your head in disbelief, your face scrunching up slightly—something you hadn't even realised you had done.

That's when you felt it.

It was as quick as a flash—a hand coming from nowhere and wrapping itself around the back of your hair, lifting you in one attempt off the ground and pulling you to the other side of the bar. You slumped onto the floor, your eyes pleading with him not to hurt you as he brought his face to your level.

"Can you hear me now, you sarcastic little cow?"

You could feel his salvia hitting you in the face as he aggressively released his words. That was the least of your problems, though. The crowd around you was frozen to the spot, unable to believe what was happening, and your work colleagues were pushing their way towards you, but the swarms of people on their phones had made it impossible for them to even get close.

"Apologise to me." He grunted."I'm honestly so..." You began. "Don't you dare. Don't you dare apologise to him."

You recognised the voice right away, not able to believe that the girl you had been watching speak at your university for the last six weeks had witnessed the absolutely embarrassing sight of you right now.

"Apologise!" The man shouted again."For what? You being a complete arsehole?" Katie quipped at him."Do you want some too, do you?"

You knew her defending you had thrown him off a bit; he seemed to be the type of man who wasn't used to women standing up to him, and you were grateful that at least one of you two had nerves of steel.

"You can certainly try it, like. Should we take it outside?"

Your eyes widened in surprise at the idea she was actually going to fight this man outside. Or inside. Or anywhere.

"Yeah. Yeah let's take it outside." The man was now doing some weird boxing manoeuvre with his fists."Right, you lead the way." Katie nodded.

You quickly jumped to your feet, following behind the two of them until you reached the doors of the club, abandoning every customer that was standing at the bar. The Irishwoman turned to wink at you briefly before turning her attention to the security staff.

"See him? He's just attacked her. He wanted to fight me too. He's too drunk to come back in."

You chuckled, unable to believe that he, well, and you, had fallen for her setup. You confirmed her accusations to the security staff, letting them know you were fine and didn't need them to call the police, just to make sure he was gone by the time you finished work.

You made your way back to the bar quickly, well aware that you couldn't afford to lose your job for skiving. Reassuring your colleagues that you were alright, Katie was the first person you served first that time, a small way to thank her for literally saving your skin.

You noticed her eyes on you throughout the night, heart warming as you suspected she was doing so in an attempt to keep guard of you, making sure that the man hadn't managed to sneak back in. Your co-workers mocked you, whispering about how you had a knight in shining armour, but you batted them away.

It wasn't until you finished work, 45 minutes after the club had closed, that you realised she was literally like a knight in shining armour. She stood outside, eyes glued to the exit door, as you walked down the steps.

"Hey." She smiled."Hey. Thanks so much again for earlier." "No worries at all.""Are you okay? Where are your friends?" "They've gone home. I didn't know if you walked home or got a taxi and I thought you might be a bit afraid on your own after that dick tonight. I thought I could chaperone you? Strictly bodyguard terms, of course.""Slight issue with that." You tutted."Let me guess, you have a taxi booked?" She chuckled."Not quite. My house is there." You pointed to the apartment block across the road.

You watched as her soul left her body to fly somewhere where embarrassment didn't exist. Realising that it might not have just been about walking you home, you threw her an olive branch.

"But since I have a bodyguard, I could make use of it and grab a McDonald's?"

You two had walked to McDonald's at 3am, choosing to sit in because neither of you dared to suggest you eat your food back at your apartment. As you became more comfortable with each other, the conversation flowed, and you both gained little insights into each other's lives. You hadn't even realised it was 7am until Katie checked her phone, her eyes widening, and she spun it around for you to see.

Being your bodyguard, she escorted you back to your apartment, arguing that you should go inside while she waited for her taxi, but you refused, wanting to stay with her even for an extra five minutes.

From then on, she went to that bar every night she could. Every time, she walked you that twenty second distance home.

All this time later, Katie still remembered how full of energy you were those nights, even if it was the middle of the night. She remembered how endearing your laughter had been, how bright your eyes shone in the darkness of the night, and how your hair still sat perfectly as if you hadn't worked in a sweaty bar all evening.

That's why this was so difficult for her. The workload of your final year had crept up on you without warning, giving you no time to adjust to the additional stress. She had begged you to stop working, wanting you to prioritise getting a good night's sleep and your grades, but you weren't ever going to take her up on her offer of paying your rent.

She tried not to let it take a toll on your relationship, but there was something about saying goodnight to you and knowing you weren't actually coming to bed that didn't sit right with her. She wondered how long the two of you could make this work or how many nights she could plead with you to join her in bed without sounding like some creep. The truth was, even if you had gone to bed, she probably would've just cuddled you to death.

And so, the fights began.

It started with little tiffs caused by how overtired you were, but because the two of you were like passing ships, those little tiffs didn't take long to evolve into huge arguments.

The final argument came when you arrived unannounced at her house after being at the library. The two of you had been tangled in a texting argument most of the week, and you had realised how close you were to losing the one thing that made you feel positive about life right now.

She surprised you by not carrying the argument on in person; that aggressive side that everyone watched on the pitch was the complete opposite of how she had ever been with you. Instead, she wrapped you in her arms and whispered sweet nothings into your ear as you fell asleep, intertwined with one another.

But then she woke up again.

She wouldn't have gotten up if it wasn't for the lack of you beside her. She assumed you were at the toilet or had gone to get a drink, but when you didn't return after a few minutes, she groggily made her way downstairs and found you sitting at her kitchen table with four or five different textbooks open.

"You can't be fucking serious?"

The sound of her voice had startled you, not because it was the middle of the night and you thought she was asleep, but because it was the first time you had heard actual anger directed towards you from her.

"I couldn't sleep." You replied sheepishly."I don't believe this." "What's wrong, Katie? You asked me to fall asleep beside you so I did."

She stood with her back against the kitchen door, banging the back of her head against it three times. Her jaw was clenched, and her hand was roughly sliding down her face in frustration.

"You don't care, do you? You don't care that we're falling apart? Because this isn't falling apart to you, is it? You don't see a problem with this because you don't care about spending actual fucking time with me. Well, that's not enough for me. This isn't enough for me, not anymore."

You let a low wow out of you before gathering your belongings and slipping on your shoes. Those words had cut you deeper than you knew possible, and her hardened stance as you moved by her to head for the front door felt like you were looking at someone who had completely emotionally detached from you.

She followed you down the hallway, doing an excellent job of acting like she wasn't remotely upset by this. Your left foot stepped outside, and your right foot was about to follow before you took her by surprise and swivelled.

"Falling apart to me is me right now. I am falling apart. I don't choose not to sleep, I don't choose to wake up panicking that I might fail this year and disappoint everyone who has ever been proud of me. I don't choose to feel so fucking unable to just do what the rest of my class is doing and deal with this shit. I thought you knew that. I thought you knew me well enough to know that I just needed you to bear with me, like I did when you were having sleepless nights over your future. I guess I got it wrong."

Now it was her turn to be cut deep by words. She tried to reach for your hand, but you snatched it away and powered off down the street. She was in her pyjamas and her bare feet, and for a second, she thought about just letting you go. Then it hit her: this whole relationship had started because she was too afraid to let someone she didn't even know walk alone at night, so how could she let someone she loved as much as you do that now?

"Awk, fuck it."

She stepped outside, chasing after you while wincing as she seemed to step on every stone that had ever existed. You couldn't help that little smile that formed on your face as you listened to her, knowing she couldn't see your face from the back.

"Go back inside." You sighed, continuing with your walk."No, not without you. This is really hurting my feet. Please come back.""It hurts, yeah?""Okay, yes, I know I deserve to hurt but please god, my feet are my wages!"

That time, you couldn't stop yourself from smiling wider and turning to face her. The sight of her, Katie McCabe, chasing after her girlfriend in fluffy pyjamas and dancing from foot to foot to try and diminish the pain was something you never thought you would see.

"I can't carry you. You're too heavy. Do you want my shoes?" You rolled your eyes, heading back towards her."No. I just want you to come home." Home.

You walked back with her, not even realising until then just how much distance you had covered. You scolded her for leaving her door wide open in the middle of the night, but she batted your complaints off, saying that everyone knew she lived there and no one would dare rob the Irish.

"I can't believe a few tiny stones had you crumbling." "I wasn't crumbling. It wasn't even sore."

This was what you hated about her.

She had this ability to make everything seem so much better just by being her usual, cheeky self. You took her up on her offer of sleeping at hers until the morning, promising you that once she had driven you home, she wouldn't pester you to talk until you were ready but that she would be waiting for as long as it took. Although you did give her a sneaky little kiss in the car when she dropped you off.

Katie, being Katie, had waited long enough by the time eight hours had passed. She'd been mindlessly checking her phone all day and muted her group chats so she wasn't given false hope every time she had a notification.

She had taken the time to think, though, and she knew what she could do to make things a little easier for you.

You, on the other hand, were sitting in a mountain of textbooks, unable to concentrate because you kept typing and deleting the same I miss you message to her. You kind of wanted her to reach out, but those eight hours seemed so long.

With a quick stop at the shop, Katie had finally arrived at your house nine hours after she had told you to take as long as you needed. She rang the doorbell once, worried that if she did her usual three-ring tactic, you'd refuse to answer and tell her to go away.

"What're you doing here?" You asked softly as you opened the door, trying your hardest not to smile."I hoped that as long as you need would've been shorter than this." She sighed."I was just texting you.""Fuck sake, now I look like the soppy one. Why didn't I wait?" She grinned cheekily."Are you coming in?""No. You're coming with me. One night without doing uni work isn't going to make you fail the entire course.""But...""But nothing. I promise it'll be worth it.""Fine." You rolled your eyes dramatically.

You knew not to expect a fancy date, given that you were still in your comfy clothes and Katie was still in her training gear. That didn't stop you from being a little bit disappointed when she simply took you to her house.

Well, at first anyway.

As the two of you got out of the car, Katie reached into the back seat and pulled out a bag of snacks that she had picked up on her way to yours. You couldn't understand why she had made such a big deal of carrying a tiny bag, making you take the key to open the door as you arrived at her front door.

"Why is your housekey off the ring?""Can you just open the door? It's baltic!"

Weird. Katie doesn't feel the cold.

You ignored her weirdness, putting it down to her still being a little pissed off at last night's argument. She followed you inside, telling you to wait in the living room until she got ready. Again, you weren't really sure what she meant by this; you were still left wondering after twenty minutes.

And then she appeared.

She was covered in pieces of paper—scribbles that you couldn't make out plastered across her arms and legs. She grabbed your hand, telling you it would all make sense as she led you upstairs. You followed her apprehensively, a tear or two threatening to spill out when you saw the cosy set-up she had made in the bedroom for you at such short notice. The bed was covered in bowls of snacks, with a new pair of pyjamas laid at one end and some slippers at the other.

"I thought we, you, could do with some downtime." "This is perfect. And I don't feel like I deserve this cuteness." You winced."I'm the dick. I didn't want to see that this has been harder for you than it has for me. I see it now. I see it."

She could barely finish her sentence as you catapulted yourself into her arms, and she threw you onto the bed below her, making most of the snack bowls tip over.

"Katie!" You giggled, being shut up by her lips against yours."I love you, I love you, I love you.""I love you too. But you need to move because your key is sticking into my thigh." You giggled again."My key?""Yes, it's in my pocket. Well, it's currently in my thigh. Move!"

She kept her bodyweight on you, smirking down at you innocently. It's not like you were really resisting all that much, hands finding her hair and lips still pressed to hers.

"It's not, though. Is it?" She smirked."What're you on about? It is! I swear!" You argued."It can't be."

Now you really didn't know what she was talking about.

"It's literally digging into my thigh!" You protested."My key?" "Yes! Why're you being so weird?" You shook your head playfully."My key is on the bunch downstairs." She shrugged.

You let your mind dream for a moment... Surely not?

"What do you mean?" You barely whispered."Your key might be digging into your thigh. My key is downstairs. Fuck, maybe you should revise, idiot."

You knew what she was doing. If there was anything you knew about her by now, it was that she joked and acted cocky when she was terrified of rejection.

"Are you saying what I think your saying?" You asked nervously."I want you to move in here... with me. It hit me today that you can't concentrate on just being here when your university stuff is at your own place. It's kind of like how I couldn't concentrate on being at camp when things were up in the air with Arsenal. I think? If you don't want to, I'll get it. But maybe if you were here, you wouldn't have to work at the bar anymore to afford that apartment and you wouldn't have to stretch your time out to see me because... well... I'd just be here... with you... all the time. And wow, that was very soppy so I'd like to add that I hate washing my own dishes and I think you'd make an excellent cook." "Question?" "Sure.""Why do you have these pieces of paper on... wait... are these facts about physiotherapy?" You chuckled."Yeah. It's so when we cuddle, you can still technically be revising for your exams." She shrugged.

Your heart grew in size for her. Partly because she was being so sweet but mostly because if anyone had told you that she would ever be capable of being so vulnerable you wouldn't have believed them.

"I get first dibs on the shower in the mornings." You raised an eyebrow."Sorry, house rule: showers must be taken together.""Fine. But I get to watch my reality shows even if they clash with football." "I have more than one tv so... check.""No pranks when I'm trying to do uni work.""Check."

You pushed her off you, letting her back fall against the mattress as you gently began to remove the pieces of paper from her arms and legs.

"Last deal." You said softly, hovering over her lips."Yes?""Once a week, I forget about revision and you forget about football and we watch a movie and eat snacks."

Her hand cupped your cheek, pulling your lips towards hers. You could see that smile—the one that only you got to see.

"Check, check, check."

So that's what you did. You spent your night wrapped up in her arms, finally able to feel like things weren't falling apart anymore. She stroked her fingers through your hair, placed kisses on your forehead, and when you were nearing sleep, she pulled the duvet around your shoulders and snuggled you into her chest.

And she would do that every night once you had moved in. No matter how stressed you had been that day, no matter how much you had snapped at her... she would make sure you always fell asleep knowing that things weren't falling apart.