L.Williamson: In A Stranger's Arms

Weeks go so slow

"I really need you. I just need to know what I did wrong. I just need to know that you meant it when you said you loved me. I meant it. I mean it."

You left another begging voicemail, knowing Leah was likely just deleting them. Some part of you hoped that she would hear the heartbreak in your voice and that it would reignite the Leah you knew.

We haven't spoken one word

You waited, but that return call never arrived. The next morning, your Instagram was filled with pictures of Leah at a flashy event. She didn't look sad, not the way you did. You hadn't changed out of your joggers for three days now, showering and then putting the same pair of comfort blankets for legs back on. Your house was messy; the usual clear kitchen worktops were now littered with takeaway boxes and beer bottle tops.

She was dawning a freshly ironed suit; you noticed it because you hadn't had to pester her to let you iron it. Her jewellery matched her outfit, and her handbag matched her shoes. She smiled in every direction, making sure the world knew how happy the European champion was.

Been an endless summer

And it had been. It had started off so well. You had been in the stands for every Euros game, tears filling your eyes as she blew her signature kiss towards you and her family right after the national anthem.

You were there when she sobbed down the phone to you when the emotions got too much, reminding her that the weight of the nation would never lay solely on her shoulders because any burden she had, you shared with her.

You were there when she came into the friends and family area, her Euros medal wrapped proudly around her neck. She ran to you, wrapping her strong arms around your back and spinning you around.

"You did it." You'd whispered into her ear."We did it." Her reply had filled you with butterflies.

I go out and get home

You were happy for her at first. Finally, she was getting the recognition you knew she deserved. You would help her get ready, fix the back of her hair for her when she was huffing and puffing into the mirror, and even help her practice for her first red carpet walk.

But then the cracks began to show—the wedge that this recognition had placed between the two of you seemingly doubling in size with every event.

My neighbours leaving for work

You would try so hard to stay awake. You would sit upright in the bed, drink cups of coffee, and even keep energy bars in the top drawer of your bedside table. But slowly, 2am turned to 3am, then 4am. The time continued to grow, and before you knew it, Leah wasn't coming home until 8am. You would lie in bed listening to the car doors of your neighbours slamming shut, praying that soon one of those doors would belong to her taxi home.

I don't mind them judging

And she didn't. She didn't notice the looks she would get from your best friends when she turned up late to your birthday party, barely making it for the last half hour of the night. She didn't care for the fact that your mum couldn't even bear to be in the same room as her, fearful that she might give Leah a piece of her mind and ruin your relationship further. She didn't care for the comments on social media asking when she ever spent any time with you. She didn't mind the judgement, not when the celebrity status outweighed that.

I got nowhere to go

You spent your evenings just waiting for her—waiting for her to come home and love you, waiting for her to take you out on that date she'd already cancelled four times. It started with sincere apologies and promises that she would make it up to you. Then it became no big deal, and then you stopped hearing about it at all. No excuses, no apologies—just you sitting in front of a mirror, removing your makeup with the wetness of your own tears.

Call everyone I know

You would fill your free time by calling your friends, trying with everything you had to sound like you were still in the happiest of places. You would talk about Leah's events as if you'd been given a rundown when she returned, telling them how she hadn't shut up about it since she got home when, in reality, she hadn't been home for two days.

'Cause I go off when I'm alone

The final straw came when Leah got injured. You had put everything aside—all of the hurt and the heartache she was causing you. You rushed to the hospital to wait with her for her X-ray results, and you wiped the tears that were falling down her cheeks.

You loved her unconditionally.

Maybe part of you felt this injury was a sign from the universe that she needed to slow down. Perhaps part of you selfishly hoped that she would.

Your heart broke in your chest as you watched her put on that suit to head to the National Television Awards, the boot protecting her injured foot barely visible under her trousers. You think it was that moment you realised that you really had lost her to the media.

You left that night. You told her to call you when she remembered how to love you again.

Just get me drunk and hold me in the sun

You expected her to give you some time to cool off and then turn up on your parents doorstep, begging you for forgiveness.

When she didn't show up, you did the one thing you'd promised yourself you wouldn't do: check social media.

There she was, on a beach in California. You could see her showing her phone to her friends, and you knew then that she read your message telling her how much she had hurt you. She just hadn't replied.

They say heartbreak always hurts the worst the first time

Your mum repeatedly told you that. She would send you daily reminders that this was only heartbreak. It wasn't nice, and it felt like the end of the world, but you wouldn't feel this way forever.

You feel you've gotta die, you're blind, it's hard to see

The problem was that Leah was everywhere. You couldn't open an app without seeing something about her. You couldn't talk to your friends without them asking about her. You couldn't walk through the streets of London without seeing her on billboards.

That in time you will find that you've moved on

Slowly, your heart started to ache less. You could return to self-care, you could make plans with your friends, and you could even begin to think about the possibility of moving on. But you still couldn't go through a full twenty-four hours without thinking about her.

Then you'll risk it all to feel it all like the first time

So, you decided the best way to combat that was to spend a full twenty-four hours with someone from a dating app. It had worked in the beginning; for the full day, you hadn't thought about Leah once. You were laughing, smiling, and finally feeling like the old you.

In a stranger's arms

But then you found yourself wrapped uncomfortably in their arms. Their body didn't mould around yours like Leah's did. Their arms didn't hold you like hers. Their fingers didn't cause goosebumps when they stroked across the skin on your stomach. You didn't see them again.

Spending money

You watched as Leah's life turned more luxurious. The business-class flights, the expensive hotels, and the jumpers you could never afford You watched as she became everything she had told you she hated.

On things I know I don't need

She always told you that three things mattered to her: family, friends, and you. It was a running joke between the two of you that you would expose her for having football fourth on her list of most important things.

Now, you barely recognised her. The things that she had reassured you didn't matter when you felt unworthy beside her were the things most attractive to her right now.

Cut my hair to change me

You giggled at videos of her discussing cutting a fringe into her hair. You knew she would hate it. You could've told her that. She was an Aries; impulsiveness was in her veins. You could've told her to wear two strands of her hair out of her bobble for a few days around the house; if they irritated her, then she should definitely avoid the fringe.

I'm smoking again

You found yourself in the smoking areas of the dingy bars your friends liked to go to. You used to love them. You loved the way everyone was just glad to be together—no flashy behaviour. Now, you resented that this was all you were used to. You resented that you weren't able to be what Leah obviously wanted you to be.

Know how much you hate it

Leah stood in the very bars you dreamt of. She wouldn't admit it, not even to herself, but subconsciously she would think of you. She would think of how much you would hate the music, the lack of karaoke in the corner, and not being able to play darts at the drop of a hat.

She would push that thought to the very back of her brain, though. She was reminding herself that a life like this was something she never thought would happen to her, and if she had to live it without you, she was okay with that.

But you weren't here to tell me

Out of sight, out of mind. You weren't there to be the person to call her out. She didn't need to see that hurt expression on your face any longer; she didn't need to feel guilty for being famous.

She loved it. She loved it. She loved it.

If she told herself that enough times, she could believe it. She could believe that she loved this life without you.

I learned to live alone

You were learning to live alone. You were learning that singing your lungs out in the shower didn't always need to be an effort to make Leah laugh; you could simply do it for yourself. You were learning that dinner for one meant you didn't need to worry about accidentally putting in an ingredient that Leah didn't like; you could eat what you wanted. You were learning that Netflix on your own meant that you didn't have to explain the plot six times to Leah. You were learning that it was okay to be alone.

My home is not a home

A few miles down the road, Leah was waking up to an empty apartment. It was filled with books, vinyl records, and plants, but it was bare. There was no smell of comforting candles, just one toothbrush in the holder, and she owned one plate, one knife, one fork, and one spoon.

She didn't need anything more. Who needs a homely home when you can afford the most expensive cars and hotels?

No, I don't feel it on my own

It was over a year later when you came to the realisation that you were healed. Curtesy of Capital Breakfast, you heard Leah on the radio talking about the release of her new book. Just months ago, you would've slammed your hand on the off button, hearing her voice too unbearable for you.

That morning, though, you smiled as you listened to her speak. You smiled because she was doing well, and that was all you had ever wanted for her.

She had hurt you to find herself; that's what you thought. You would be hurt ten times over by her if it meant she had the happy ending she had dreamt of. You were selfless.

And when I leave I'm keeping all lights on

Leah found herself driving by your house that night. A comment from the interviewer about her party lifestyle had struck a cord within her. She realised that she was the person you two used to joke about her becoming.

Your car wasn't in the driveway, but the lights were on. She smiled at that, thankful that you still remembered her advice to you: always leave a light on so they think someone could be home.

That was back when she noticed things about you. When she worried about you being alone.

They say heartbreak always hurts the worst the first time

For the first time since you left and she didn't follow you, Leah felt her heart crack. The headlights coming towards her started to blur as tears fell from her tired eyes.

It was Wednesday. She cried harder when she realised that. It meant you were most likely at the local homeless shelter, handing out soup. The very place the two of you had met when she was sent by Arsenal to deliver some clothing for the people in an unthinkable position.

It was Wednesday. Leah was going home to pull on a two thousand-pound suit, and you were feeding the homeless after working all day.

You feel you've gotta die, you're blind, it's hard to see

She sobbed the whole home, unable to stop her body's convulsions as she ran from her car to her apartment. She dug through the box of things she had packed up over a year ago, pulling out the pin you had given her on the first night you met.

You had made them yourself, selling them for £1 outside the homeless shelter to raise money for a new oven. She had admired them, and you had handed one of your creations over to her as if you hadn't spent hours making them. She promised she would come back with £1 for you the following day, and to your surprise, she did.

Your shock had been incomprehensible when she not only returned with £1 you hadn't felt justified the trip, but announced she had a new oven for the homeless shelter in the boot of her car. You think you fell in love in that moment.

That in time you will find that you've moved on

Leah proudly pinned the badge to the collar of her suit that night. A little message to you: it was Wednesday, after all.

You would've noticed if you hadn't moved on. If you still pined over photographs of her, but you didn't; you didn't notice, not anymore.

Then you'll risk it all to feel it all like the first time

Because, unbeknownst to Leah, someone else had picked up the one trophy she had forgotten about.

In a stranger's arms

A kind stranger who stopped to help you when your car had broken down on the way home a few months ago—that's all she was to you at first. She had pulled up just as you were about to call Leah, the only person you knew wouldn't shout at you for running out of fuel. You so nearly called Leah.

In a stranger's arms

Weeks had turned to months, and that kind stranger had become your selfless girlfriend. She helped you at the homeless shelter, she stayed up late to continue making your £1 badges with you, and she sang karaoke with you and your friends in that dingy bar.

I don't want to know if you have moved on

You didn't think about Leah anymore, not like that. You thought of her as the captain of England. You cheered for her team now, not just for her alone. You weren't sure if she had met someone on her level by now; you didn't care to know.

And you don't want to know if I have met somebody new

Leah couldn't bear to look at your social media. She didn't want to know if someone else was giving you all the things that she had taken from you.

She put her full focus on her career. Her mind was on recovering from her ACL injury and losing you, with full intentions of someday opening up about how fame had tempted her to be someone she wasn't and how she had realised that too late.

It's not as if I wanna run right back to you

You smiled brighter and laughed louder. Those tearful nights of waiting for Leah to call you were long gone. You didn't leave her voicemails anymore. You didn't think about the possibility that you two would meet in the future and fall back together. You were finally no longer suffering from a severe case of heartbreak.

I just want time to pass so I get over you

All the while, Leah was desperately waiting for time to pass. She didn't know it was possible for heartbreak to last this long. Almost two years later, she was still longing for your touch, begging the universe for an opportunity to tell you how sorry she was, but she wanted it to be fate. She didn't want to just show up on your doorstep.

They say heartbreak always hurts the worst the first time

Just when she was giving up on the idea of fate, she was invited to the Pride of Britain Awards. She didn't know it when she received the invitation, but you would be there. You would be there because you were about to get the recognition you deserved for the good deeds you'd done. You might not have led your country to silverware, but you had dedicated your life to feeding the homeless.

You feel you've gotta die, you're blind, it's hard to see

She spotted you first. She knew it was you from the moment her eyes caught the back of your head. You were laughing with your best friend from the shelter, and she could see that you'd brought John with you, a man you had helped overcome his drug addiction many times, never judging him when he showed up out of his head again.

It's a marathon, not a sprint. Mistakes are there to be made, it's what we make of them that counts.

That's what she would hear you tell John every single time. She was captivated by your selflessness before her own selfishness made her blind to that. She hoped you would repeat those words to her tonight.

That in time you will find that you've moved on

Twenty minutes after Leah had noticed you, you noticed her. You recognised her from her hands; that ring was still worn proudly on her pinky finger as she brought her glass to her lips on the other side of the room.

You smiled to yourself, not because she was here, but because you were both doing what you loved. She was dressed in an expensive suit, sipping from a champagne flute, and you were representing a charity that had gone unnoticed for too long, proudly watching on as John inspired people with his recovery story.

Then you'll risk it all to feel it all like the first time

Leah watched as you spoke so eloquently about the shelter when you accepted your award. Her stomach was laced with butterflies, and her eyes couldn't seem to snap away from you.

She spent every other award thinking about you. She knew that fate had given her a rope, and she had to climb that rope and finally put in some effort. And she would. The second the tables were moved and the dance floor was created, Leah had just one thing on her mind.

In a stranger's arms

Nervously, she stood to her feet, excusing herself from her friends. She could see your head through the sea of people and the crinkles around your eyes as you laughed at a joke someone had told.

She wondered if you would be willing to start over with her and get to know her again as the person who had become a stranger to you.

Oh, in a stranger's arms

As she strolled slowly towards you, she thought of the voicemail you had left her. She remembered the shakiness of your voice, the sobs that were leaving your body, and the voice of a stranger at the event telling her they were ready for her onstage. She had chosen following that stranger over you, and she would spend every day making it up to you.

Oh, oh, I'll get over you

The music thumped between her ears, lights dazzling in front of her eyes like a guide to you. She could almost feel the touch of you, almost smell your perfume, and almost hear you say you still loved her too.

But then she stepped closer, then closer again, and finally her eyes dropped to your waist. The fingers intertwined with yours, resting on your side. The smile on your face used to be reserved for her. You were beautiful, elegant as ever, and your eyes danced in the room that had stood still for Leah. She watched you for a few seconds, having to turn away when the first tear rolled down her left cheek. She wiped it away, some torturous part of her brain willing her to turn around to take another look.

Oh, I'll get over you

As she did, her eyes caught yours, the corners of your lips turning upwards. Your smile towards her was kind, given what she had put you through. She couldn't help but mouth the words "I'm sorry" in your direction.

And in true you style, your eyes softened even more. You mouthed "I know" towards her, finishing it with a gentle, forgiving nod.

She had to be okay with that. She had to take comfort in knowing you knew she was sorry. All while accepting that you would never be hers again.

You were in a stranger's arms.