50 ~ Every Choice Has Consequences

And what had I done? Nothing...

Remus' POV:

      When the night of the full moon was over, I came to. My entire body hurt and I felt dizzy, but that was normal. To me it felt as though I had only briefly closed my eyes, but it had not been brief. For several hours I had roamed through the Forbidden Forest as a monster and in part I was glad that I could remember nothing. The worst thing about the memory loss, however, was that I did not know whether I had hurt anyone.      The missing metallic taste of blood and severe pain ruled out another confrontation with Phil. I still could have hurt my friends though, which was why I examined my hands as my vision cleared. Other than dirt, there was nothing to be found.      I sat upon the forest floor. It was cold, but from behind a cloak was laid around my shoulders. I pulled it on, though not because I was ashamed to be naked in front of my friends. I had long since cast aside that shame through my existence as a werewolf.      "How are you feeling?" Prongs asked and crouched down beside me, then helped me up.            I got to my feet, which were shaky, and brushed forest soil and other things from them.      "As always," I answered, drained and tired. I felt exhausted, inwardly broken.

A constant reminder that I had recently been a monster, and would remain one for the rest of my life. Always, once a month.

      With those thoughts I looked around the dark forest. With one glance at the sky, I realised that it was already taking on a grey hue in the east, though still a very dark one; there were still a few hours until sunrise. The sky remained cloudless, though the cold wind had ceased. Even so, I was cold, which was why I pulled the cloak tighter around myself. The rest of my clothes had to be lying somewhere, torn apart, but there were spells for that.      "Where's Padfoot?" I asked the next moment, because only Wormtail and Prongs were present. Prongs also looked around the forest, then shrugged his shoulders.            "He suddenly disappeared."      "Disappeared?" I asked and could hardly believe my ears. "What do you mean disappeared? Did something happen?" my voice sounded somewhat shrill. Perhaps I had done something as a werewolf.            "No, not what you're thinking," James reassured me at once and seemed to have to orient himself within the forest. I, meanwhile, most wanted to pull the cloak even tighter around my body. Instead I flexed my fingers and the dizziness behind my eyes slowly faded.            "Padfoot!" James called, then listened into the forest, "Are you somewhere out here!"      Just as I thought no answer would come, that after the full moon we would have to search for a missing Sirius, I heard a shout: "Yeah, we're here!"

We?

      That question answered itself in the next moment, as I heard a rustling from the forest. Shortly after the full moon my senses were more sensitive and it sounded as though two people were approaching.      That was indeed the case, because as the rustling drew nearer, Padfoot and Phil suddenly emerged from the forest. Phil stumbled after Sirius. Her gaze was fixed upon her feet and I wondered why Padfoot was with her.      At the very least I got the sense that something had happened, because when Phil looked up, I noticed red eyes. She was not crying, but she must have been. She also looked as though something had shaken her, as though she most wished not to be here.            "What happened?" Prongs asked.      Sirius looked at Phil expectantly. Yet another emotion could also be found upon his face. Was it understanding, sympathy?      I could not imagine, however, that Padfoot would look at Phil like that, considering his words from this evening.People could change their views though, and so I looked at Phil. She seemed to search for the right words, then raised her voice.

Phil's POV:

      The full moon was over, I was human again. Something I could never become, according to my father at least. Yet I wanted to try, even if it would destroy me in the future. I wanted to be human.      For that reason I followed Black through the forest after the full moon. I had thought he would tell me how stupid I was. He had only told me that you could not choose your family, and that seemed to be something he could understand.      I would have to tell Dumbledore about the encounter with my father, and the boys standing in front of me as well. Well, I did not truly have to tell them, but Sirius would. So I had the choice of doing it myself. It also occurred to me that Black had become Sirius in my thoughts again.

Yeah, brilliant...

      Even better was the fact that I stood in front of the boys and felt like a complete wreck. I was tired, completely empty inside. Strangely enough, the conversation with my father had soothed my inner tension, even if I could start crying again at any moment.            "What happened?" James Potter asked.      The next moment all of them were looking at me. I bit at my lower lip, feeling Remus' and Sirius' gazes resting upon me most of all. I felt sorry for Remus, sorry for all of them, that I once again had to force my own problems upon them. Yes, Black had followed me, but he had also apparently had a gut feeling that something was wrong with me.      The boys seemed to have guessed that my early departure from the castle had been connected to the last full moon, so I began explaining exactly there, even though my gaze remained fixed upon my feet: "Last full moon, the reason I ran into you was because I saw something. It was a figure that I followed. I told you that I couldn't find it again after the fight, but that was a lie. I kept following it and caught up to it. The figure wanted to be caught. It was another werewolf, my father."      I got the expected reaction. After all, you did not hear every day that one of the greatest criminals in the wizarding world was still alive.      "But I've known for longer that he's alive, Dumbledore knows too. There were first signs before the school year started. On the exact day we had our argument, I got a letter from my father. He wrote that he would contact me and today he did. I spoke to him and Sirius found me, now I have to tell Dumbledore about it."            "Sirius?" asked the person carrying the name, looking at me knowingly.      "For today you've got your first name back," I explained, then ran a hand over my face. I did not tell the boys anything more. I was tired, only wanted to sleep. I was also numb and agitated at the same time inside.

The last few hours have been too much.

      That was why I did not remain standing there any longer, but started moving. I no longer wanted to stay in the forest, where my father had still been not long ago. I did not know how I was supposed to feel about that, even believed it would still take time before I had processed it.      In any case, the boys were kinder to me on the way back to the castle. Things between us were not resolved, but it seemed to have been an argument that needed no direct apology. Both sides had made mistakes and with today's event I had proven to the Marauders that I really was naive in a certain way. If I even was?      I did not know. I only knew that every decision had consequences and that I would have to live with them. I would have to accept that I was the daughter of Ethan J. Aquila, who was a madman, who wanted to create an immense number of werewolves. I would have to live with the fact that because of my past I was not like others, but I would also have to accept that I could no longer change past events.      Past and present were something entirely different from the future. Yet I believed that the conversation with my father had reminded me that I wanted to live this life here, not the one he wanted me to live. That realisation also hurt, because it meant that I was completely alone.

Alone, even though you have people around you who care about you. Yes, even the boys, although you are not on good terms, are talking to you now, asking you how you are, and so are the girls. Those people are there, so take care of them, Phil. Try to find anchors in the world of humans. You are not the mad Aquila, even if your mind is not entirely whole.

      That was what my inner voice told me and it was right. Right, but not in the way I had always believed my father's voice had been right; it had not been.      My father was trapped in his own world, one he had created for himself, in which he was not the villain. I had learned much that night, things I would still have to process.      I did not want to, could not deal with it, at least not now.

      After we arrived at the castle and Remus had gone to the Hospital Wing, I made my way to Dumbledore. Briefly I had been with Madame Pomfrey, whom I told that I needed to speak to the headmaster of Hogwarts. I told her it was urgent, and a portrait informed Dumbledore. That was why I went to him, to his office. The wise wizard did not look as though he had been dragged from his bed, and in that moment I wondered whether he ever slept at all.      In any case, I told him about the incident, though my motivation had been the boys, more the urge to do something right. I wanted to prove to myself that I could think rationally, which was why I confessed everything to Dumbledore.      I told him about the last full moon, about everything my father had said to me, his plans. I also told him that full werewolves apparently could do far more, if I only considered that I had held back the effect of the full moon for a time.      My father therefore posed a far greater danger to the wizarding world than had been assumed. His desire to achieve equality between werewolves and humans was not reprehensible, but the way he wished to achieve it, how much he enjoyed power, was. Ever since I had been a child, I had been forced to endure his sick philosophies.      Had they shaped me?

Destroyed my mind?

      I could not know the answer, but at that point I had been able to know that Dumbledore was not angry with me when I told him about the recent events. He told me that he appreciated my honesty, even though I had secretly met with my father.When I left his office afterwards, I felt better and yet still empty. I had been on my way to the dormitory when instead my feet led me to the Hospital Wing.      Madame Pomfrey welcomed me. I even believed that she had been pleased. I did not often come to her after the full moon, but whenever I had, she always told me about good strengthening potions.      In that moment, however, I only wanted to sleep and forget my thoughts. For that reason she gave me a potion that made me tired, though I also received one of her beloved strengthening potions.      After she had poured those into me, I had the agony of choice.

Which bed will I choose?

      Some feeling within my body told me that I wanted to see Remus, which was why I went towards the back of the Hospital Wing. There I found a sleeping person in a bed, or at least I thought he was sleeping.      I sat down on the bed beside him and whilst taking off my shoes, as well as my coat, then pulling my legs up towards myself and studying the boy, I noticed that my eyelids were growing heavier. Before I lay down, Remus seemed to notice that I was watching him, because he opened his eyes. He pushed himself up slightly, realised that I was here.            "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked me, though sleepily.      His words touched me, because that was the first thing he thought of. I wondered how I had deserved that he always cared about me. He did not fuss over me like the girls did, yet ever since my first day at Hogwarts he had been there for me, even if he had only always been beside me in the library.            And what had I done?      I should have paid more attention to him, because Remus was the boy who was like me, even if not entirely. In the future I would try to let him more into my life, to care for him as well.      In that moment, however, I could barely keep my eyes open.            "Maybe another time, Pomfrey, potion..." I explained tiredly and lay down sideways upon the mattress, "but thank you, for everything you've ever done for me."      With those words I disappeared into a dreamless sleep and the monsters in my head had finally fallen silent. Hopefully for a longer time.