49 ~ Mad Aquilas

Sacrifices must be made

     I looked at the great tree, which appeared completely black in the darkness."Firstly, you are still my daughter, Phil," my father said and stood in front of me, "Until the day I left, I was always there for you. Had I known what you would have to go through, I would not have left you with your mother. She threatened to hand me over to the Ministry if I ever came back."          "Because you did bad things," I answered, "You have a sick mind."     "Yes, the mad Aquila," my father mocked and his voice had grown cool, then he continued: "I am aware that there have been victims, but the wizarding world treats our kind like filth, Phil. It has always bothered me and even more so when I became a werewolf myself. People think they are better than us, so I proved otherwise to them. If I wanted to, I could already create a vast number of werewolves."          "Why don't you do it?"     "Because the time is not yet right. But that is the only way we can prove to the wizarding world that we are worth being noticed."          "And for that, the experiments on innocents and whatever else?", I did not understand him. At least he had remained true to his standpoints all those years. His voice, which I had heard in my head all the time, was the same one I heard now.

Only the voice is no longer in my head.A mad mind as well?

     "Sacrifices must be made, you don't understand."          "I understand quite a bit," I began, "but not why you made your daughter into a full werewolf too."     "I did not do that," he contradicted immediately, "You were born that way, Phil. Something I did not expect, but the changes I made within myself seem to have anchored themselves in the basic framework of lycanthropy. It was inherited by you along with the normal lycanthropy. When you were a child, I did everything I could to ensure you could utilize this gift. You were special from the start, learned quickly, just like now."     My father looked at me. Inside me, everything tightened. Memories from my childhood wanted to break out, but in this moment, I could not think about the fact that I had loved my father as a child. I had to think of the truth all the time, that my own father was a madman.          "Stop it!" said sternly, "I am not special, but a monster that killed its own mother! You are a monster too, because of your actions! But now you are standing next to me as if you were a normal human and I am listening to you like this. But I am forgetting that the last years of my life have been shit, that I lived in the forest as a monster! I am forgetting that I hate you and that you are a psychopath!"     I clutched my hair, backed away and could not prevent the past from catching up with me. Suddenly I saw the images of my childhood before me, my life as a wolf, then the weight of guilt crushed me.

I am a monster, like my father.Mad Aquilas.

     "Lived as a wolf?" father picked up on my words and forgot the core of my statements, nothing new, "How long can you stay a wolf, Phil?"     He came closer to me again, but I looked back at him with empty eyes, then I shrugged my shoulders.          "As long as I want, years," I answered and I did not like the change in his body language.     "Impossible..." said, "the mind changes in werewolf form after a few days - one becomes an animal, wild."          He came even closer, stopped in front of me. I had to tilt my head back to study his bright eyes.     "No, Phil, you are special. It must be connected to the fact that you were born this way, magnificent. That simply changes everything."

I don't understand this man. Did I tell him that I killed my mother and lived lonely as a wolf, and now he sees the best thing in the world in it...

     "This takes us further."          "Us?" asked, "I want nothing to do with it. I want to live halfway normally and finally find some peace!"     "Phil, face it, you are the key. You cannot lead a normal life, you will never be able to. Stop thinking so restrictively, you always used to have the vision."          "You don't have to tell me what to do or not to do!", I moved back, putting distance between us, "You weren't there and I want it to stay that way!"     "I am still your father!"          "A father who is a mad criminal!" spat back and found the hatred again that I had briefly lost.     "Do not lose respect when you speak to me, Phil!" came from the man in front of me and he narrowed the distance between us. I moved further back. My body told me that I should flee.     My father noticed that too, for he held me firmly by my wrist and I looked at him, a tear running down my left cheek. We stood in the cool forest, just the two of us. Two people, connected by past and blood.          "I don't want this..." I murmured, "I never wanted to be like you."     "So you would rather be something you can never become, a human?"          I looked up at him and his jaw was tense, his eyes were still glowing. "Yes, I would rather try to be a human than to be what I don't want to be, despise."     After these words, my father let go of my wrist, looked at me calmly. His gaze gave me goosebumps.

What will he do?

     "I will not force you to come with me, Phil. I already appreciate that you are here and I could see you," he sighed and his gaze went to the moon, which was already higher in the sky, "But I want you to know that you can always come to me, I will find you if you want it."After he had finished, he squeezed my shoulder, then he turned to leave, just like that, left again. He was good at that.     "The moon will be too high soon, here our paths part."          He disappeared into the forest, leaving me behind, confused.     I watched him go, then I sat down on the ground and pulled my legs to me. I did not know what to think, for much had gone as I had imagined, but it had also been completely different. I felt confused, bad. Tears appeared, soon covering my entire cheeks. I sat there, lonely in the Forbidden Forest during a full moon.

Or was I?

     In the next moment, I heard a rustling. It came from the right and I peered into the dark forest. A black, shaggy dog emerged, but I was too tired to sigh. However, I did not look at Sirius Black in dog form for long, but stared stubbornly straight ahead. The sound of four paws changed into two feet stepping across the forest floor.          "Are you okay?", came a question I hadn't expected.     Black had crouched down next to me. I wiped my tears away with my hand and looked at him. He was not startled because of my eyes, so he must have been present for a while.          "Don't you want to explain to me that I'm crazy?" I asked.     The boy shrugged his shoulders, then he sat down next to me. He seemed to have no fear of me, although I did not know when I would transform.     "You know yourself that you're crazy, you're not stupid," came characteristically from the man beside me, "Also, you can't choose your family. But you have to tell Dumbledore."          "I know..." I replied and my stomach tightened at the thought that I had to tell Dumbledore about my breach of trust.     As a result, my gaze went to the full moon and it was the first time in my life that I could look at it for a longer period of time, which I also said: "For the first time, I can look at the full moon for a long time...", I whispered, although I would have preferred not to be able to at all. It only emphasized more that I was different, but not special, as my father had called it. Black did not answer that.

     For a while we just sat there and I knew that Sirius Black would not leave my side. Whether he did not trust me, or wanted to look after me in a strange way, I did not know. I didn't care.     When I had transformed, I remained lying on the spot as a werewolf, a black dog next to me and together we waited out the night.

Sirius' POV:

     When the sun went down and peace settled in the castle, the purpose of today only just began for us Marauders. Full moon was always hard, especially for Remus.     When we stepped out of the dormitory, he did not look good. Deep dark circles under tired eyes and he was withdrawn.

It must be terrible.

     That's what I thought and didn't want to imagine what it was like having to transform into a werewolf every month. I was glad, however, that Moony didn't have to go through it completely alone, since we were with him.For this reason, we went into the common room, but unlike usual, Phil was not there. Normally she waited for us, but not today.     "She hasn't forgotten what today is?" and spoke out what we were all thinking. Had Phil forgotten about the full moon?          "I can't imagine so," Remus said.     "We can't find out either, because we can't get to the girls' dormitories to knock on her door," I replied, for the girls' stairs were protected by a spell that made it impossible for us boys to set a foot on the steps.     "She's probably gone already," Prongs raised his voice again. It was the second logical explanation.          "She's been generally pensive lately," Remus explained as we set ourselves in motion.     Phil was either already outside, or she would follow. We couldn't wait long, because if Phil didn't transform in the depths of the forest, that would have fewer consequences than if Moony transformed near the castle.     "Now that's starting again," I said in response as we left the common room and I was right. Moony had been of the opinion the whole time that Phil had been pensive for the last few weeks, so more than usual.     "But it wasn't anything that was strange, was it?", Wormtail asked. We were in the first secret passage.     "Nothing I know of," Prongs replied and led the way. I shrugged my shoulders too, thinking. I wanted to push the thought of Phil aside already, when something occurred to me.

Wait!

     "Last full moon she was strange," I said, "almost crazy."          "Crazy is a strong word," Moony defended her; it was obvious that he liked Phil.     To me, Phil was crazy when I thought back to all the events. In my opinion, she wasn't one hundred percent all there, but if Moony was into crazy girls, then he should just go for it. Those had their charms too.     "Do you think that's connected to last full moon?" James asked and took some tension away between Remus and me. Moony was generally irritable before a full moon, so I wouldn't say anything more against Phil if I also had a different opinion. The fact that Phil was no innocent girl had become clear to me at the latest after the prank and the blackmail in the niche.     Since I didn't want to think about it now, I answered Prongs' question: "No idea, but with Phil anything is possible. She was looking for something last full moon, maybe she's continuing the search? Did she say anything to you after the full moon, Moony?"     "No, not about that, but we spoke to each other in the hospital wing afterwards. She even told me about her childhood."          While Remus was still speaking, we stepped out into the fresh air and went to the Whomping Willow. Immediately Peter transformed into a rat and we could continue our way.     A cold wind blew around us, tugging at our clothes, but the night was clear. In the secret passage under the Whomping Willow, no wind whistled anymore. The air was habitually stuffy, musty.     "I don't trust Phil," I said finally after a silent walk and we entered the Shrieking Shack. There was a thick layer of dust everywhere. The furniture was covered with sheets.          "Because she speaks with Lestrange?", Moony mocked, but I shook my head.     "No, because I can't see through her," I clarified, "She is unpredictable and constantly surprises you with something. For example, how much she knows about the castle after such a short time, or that she does have a nasty side. I don't like it when I can't size someone up."     After my words had faded, the others let them sink in for now, because I was partly right; Phil was a girl full of secrets.          "I think we just don't know her well enough," Prongs explained. Remus agreed with him.

Whatever.

     Shortly after, we stepped out of the shack and approached the Forbidden Forest. We had ended our conversation. The night took its course.     We entered the Forbidden Forest and Remus transformed, as a result of which we drove him into the depths of the forest. Today he was quiet, but soon we reached parts of the forest that seemed familiar to me. Also, the last events at the full moon wouldn't let me go, so I decided on short notice to take the path that Phil, having gone crazy, had taken last month.     I left Prongs alone with Remus, who gave me a questioning look but seemed to understand. For this reason, I set out on the search and with my dog's nose, I perceived a fresh trail. It was the scent of humans, Phil.     At that time, however, I could not have known that Remus and all of us had been right with our gut feeling.