19 ~ My True Self

I wander through a worldI do not want to understandExplore no secretsFor I am the one who falls.

You must get up, I hearWalk strongly through the worldLet nothing show.But can I really do this?

I am only a shadow of myselfCrawling, I move forwardThat alone I believe.You fall!

~Lithil-RaVen

Remus' POV:

     We went to lessons and had Transfiguration in the first period. Breakfast had passed as usual, yet strangely James had been quiet since the common room.      Of course I recognised the reason for that immediately, because walking ahead of us was none other than Lily Evans making her way. Beside her were her three friends and we Marauders walked some distance behind them.

Now he can't deny his crush any longer, I thought, yet in the next moment it turned out that James' gaze had a different origin.

     "They're behaving strangely", he said suddenly. We looked at our friend. We were just strolling past an inner courtyard. The classroom for Transfiguration was very close.          "What do you mean?", Sirius asked, "did Lily comb her hair differently today?"     "You're stupid!", James snapped at once, giving the black-haired boy a shove. Sirius staggered against the wall, yet he merely laughed.     "I mean it seriously", James insisted sternly and while walking he looked ahead to the girls again. Now my gaze also fell on the group. Indeed I noticed that they had been whispering the whole time.          "They're girls...", Sirius grumbled and seemed to reduce their behaviour to that fact.

Yes, immature.

     "Really, Padfoot, are they?", James mocked and grey eyes flashed towards the boy with glasses.          "They're just weird", the addressed one stuck to his opinion.     I nodded. "They really look upset."     "Thanks, Remus!", James threw his arms into the air, "at least one who sees it!"          "Then maybe they're on their period? Don't girls always have it at the same time when they live together?"

He did not just say that, did he?

     At that moment I could no longer stay serious and had to laugh.     "You really don't understand anything about the opposite sex, do you?", I asked cheerfully and received a deadly look from Sirius.          "Then let the all-knowing Moony enlighten us."     "The knowledge about the female body would exceed our time span. The lesson begins in a few minutes."     When I had said that, we reached the classroom for Transfiguration, which we shared today with the Slytherins, much to our displeasure.     Quickly we searched for a seat and the girls sat one bench to the right in front of us. For this reason I briefly heard what Dorcas Meadowes said: "Should we tell McGonagall?"     "What if she's simply somewhere in the castle?", Fortescue asked quietly in return, also presenting a worried expression. Her brown eyes examined her friends. I furrowed my brow.     "Phil has never been gone this long!", Meadowes contradicted sternly, and somewhat too loudly, so that Lily hissed at her, afterwards they whispered quietly together again.      I observed them and before the lesson began, Lily went to the Professor of Transfiguration and probably told her that Phil had disappeared. Immediately I turned to my friends. James was just punishing Sirius with an 'I-told-you-so-look' and Peter watched Lily, who was speaking with the professor.     "But why should she disappear?", I whispered quietly, leaning towards the others. I sat to the right of Sirius, beside him sat James, then Peter.          "She probably realised how dull Hogwarts is. Especially the lessons", Sirius speculated, letting his forehead fall onto the tabletop. I twisted my face and turned my gaze away from the boy.

He is no help.

     "Or!", Sirius continued, after that he shot upwards with renewed vigour and with his index finger stretched into the air, yet was silenced by a warning look from McGonagall. She was still speaking with Lily, yet continued to keep the class in view while the latecomers took their seats.     The black-haired boy, however, rolled his eyes, then looked conspiratorially at us Marauders, whereby his forehead presented a red mark. "Or it was Lestrange, that nasty snake. She surely abducted Phil, maybe ate her. You never know what snakes will do next."          "And why should that nasty snake do something to a girl who hasn't yet been ruined by you idiots?", a harsh voice was suddenly heard from the side.     Lestrange glared at Sirius and brushed one of her jet-black strands of hair, more waves, behind her ear. Apparently she had excellent hearing.     She had just been about to walk to a row of seats and Snivellus walked ahead of her, because Lestrange would now remain standing beside us longer.      The Slytherin had raised an eyebrow, waiting for Sirius' explanation, which she of course would never receive.

We play pranks on Snivellus and her now and then, which at least Lestrange has earned. She is a person who always sticks her nose into other people's affairs.Alright, we do that too, but that's not the same, so please.

     "That, my dear, you know very well."          "Oh, do I really?"     "Of course!", Sirius confirmed. The two looked at each other in such a way that one might think lightning flashing between them could be seen, if one had been in a Muggle film.          "You probably don't even know the reason yourself, Black, do you?", she asked coldly. "So early in the morning and in general thinking is difficult for you."     Sirius glared at her more intensely - yes, that was possible - and wanted to get up from his seat when a commanding voice sounded: "You two, quiet, or I will deduct points from your houses!"     Immediately the heads of the two turned forward to McGonagall, who had observed the scenario with folded arms. Lestrange and Sirius fell silent. Lily, meanwhile, was back in her seat and Professor McGonagall seemed to want to begin the lesson.     With a cold look Lestrange withdrew and sat down with the other Slytherins beside Snape. Sirius' gaze continued to follow her.           I could only shake my head. The two had not been able to stand each other since first year. Unfortunately they were similar in their arguing behaviour; therefore they constantly clashed.     Now, however, it was not the time to think about Sirius and Lestrange, since with a swish of McGonagall's wand the large door slammed shut and the lesson began.     I wondered where Phil was and whether she was well, because one could never know what was going on in her head. She was a strange girl, and if the girls were already worried, it had to be serious.      Of course the new girl could also be somewhere in Hogwarts, yet the feeling would not leave me, as if Phil was no longer staying within these walls.

Phil's POV:

     I opened my eyes, blinking against the brightness. When I moved my arms and legs, they made the leaves beneath my body rustle.      Where I was, I knew exactly, because I had returned. Returned to the place where I thought I belonged, the voice thought that I belonged there.

     "The forest is your home, Phil", she said instantly in my head. It was never silent. She always had something to criticise. And yes, I knew that the voice did not arise from reality, but why was she always right?     Ever since I had lived in the forest, she had been my companion. Because of her I had never felt lonely. She was familiar to me, and I did not care whether she was not real. She would not leave me. That was the only thing that mattered.

     I sat up and looked around. Everything had remained as it had been, but what else had I expected?     The pit in the ground was still there, where I had found it, my father had shown it to me. It was not far from my place, where my tree stood. The place where everything had begun, at least in my head. Ever since birth I had carried this curse and it had not been at the tree that I had lived through my first transformation, although I liked to tell myself that it had been.     I knew nothing and everything had begun at this tree. My father had not always taken care of me at full moon, and he had never shown me the beautiful sides of being a werewolf. Those did not exist, just as the memories of my father did not exist. There were also no memories of my mother as well as of the time when we had lived our life as a family.     I was Phil. On a full moon night I had transformed into the monster for the first time. My mother had always been kind and my father had left me much earlier. Mother had not wanted to protect me from my father after their separation, although she should rather have protected herself. The two had not argued with each other and my father had not wanted to take me with him.           Mother had not found his dream of being a werewolf too much. She had also not drugged me every full moon and locked me in a cellar. She had not allowed her new husband to convince her that I was a monster, no, she had only been my mother.          I had killed her.      That was the story, nothing more. One day I had run away from home, then I had transformed and murdered my mother. That my stepfather had beaten me beforehand and Mother had not intervened, had only happened in my head. None of that had happened.

"Yes, all of that happened", the voice whispered in my head.

     "No!", I shouted back, left the small pit in the ground, which had a wooden board as a door. I breathed in the fresh forest air and it filled my lungs. It was idyllic, but it was all only an illusion to make reality look good. Because in the next moment it was over again. Behind me branches cracked. Immediately I knew who had come to visit me.     It was them.

My family.

     But one thing was certain, they were no longer my family, because I had been cast out. So I did not turn around and was welcomed joyfully, no, I looked the lead wolf into his eyes and the dozen wolves behind him as well.     All of that, to come to the conclusion that I was not wanted. I understood, however, because the abyss was my path. I did not belong in one of the two worlds.     I stared at the wolves. They were not happy to see me. The wolves growled, afterwards my former family charged at me.They wanted to see blood.

     "Run, Phil!", the voice shouted and I did it. I stumbled backwards, but my heart was so heavy. How could I have known? Cast out after such a long time - we had been family. Family should be there for one another, take care of one another, yet the truth was obvious. I had betrayed them. They wanted nothing more to do with me.     "Phil, they were never your family, damn it!", that was what this voice in my head said. I trusted her, but why was I here now? How had my sick mind managed that I went back again, back into the loneliness?     If only I had known the answers, because now it was too late. The abyss would have been a better prospect, even if I had never opened my eyes again.

     Growling, the wolves came towards me. Their paws left only a crunching sound in the snow. Hot breath escaped their throats, presenting itself in the form of small clouds.     Stumbling, with clattering legs I went a few steps backwards and with my fingers - the palms covered in fear sweat - I felt along my jacket pocket. Nothing, I did not find it. My wand was gone, and whether I would ever hold it in my hands again, was a question in itself. It would not have helped me anyway, because I could not even cast spells.           Yes, I was useless and nothing more.     In my grief, fear and anger I had not expected that I would have to face my old pack.     The lead wolf came towards me. I was deprived of air to breathe. I tried to push my fear aside, shook my head.      I turned and ran for my life, which once again seemed precious to me. My steps made sounds in the forest, but they were not the only noises that the old forest heard, because there was also me.      The steps of a frightened, foolish girl and those of the bloodthirsty wolves...

Remus' POV:

     "That makes no sense!", Sirius interjected. James seemed to agree with him. I paused and stopped in the corridor. I turned around, looked at the two of them.     "Watch it!", snapped a Slytherin who shoved me aside with her shoulder. Yes, perhaps I should not have stopped in the middle of a Hogwarts corridor.     I went outside into the courtyard beside the Transfiguration classroom and waited until the others had followed me. Snow lay in the courtyard, the clouds were a grey blanket above our heads.      It was cold, so that I felt the cold as it wanted to eat its way through my clothes.          I leaned against the wall. The three gathered in front of me and still looked at me as if I had gone mad. "Yes, it makes sense."Sirius, who now stood in front of me, still had deep furrows on his forehead.     "But I have to agree with Sirius", James looked at me with raised brows, "how can you be so sure that she went back again? I mean, she could just as well be somewhere here in the castle. She doesn't have to have gone to the village, to the house where she grew up", the boy with glasses finished and a gust of wind set the red-gold scarf in motion that was tied around the Gryffindor's neck. We had Herbology now and in the greenhouse it would be cold.          I turned my gaze away from the scarf, pushed air out of my nose and saw how my breath danced in the cold. With my gaze fixed on this sight, I murmured: "I've got a feeling."     My sentence made Sirius groan. He slapped his right palm against his forehead. "Just because you've got a strange gut feeling, we're missing the lesson now, oh Moony, how I do love Herbology." That Sirius was not sad because of this realisation and that a huge grin had formed on his face, I did not need to mention.          "A bit more seriousness", I asked.     "Of course, Sir."          "Sirius, I mean it seriously."     "I'm aware of that, my Lord."          "Oh, forget it", I sighed, yet a grin also formed on my lips. Another reason was responsible for it. Not like Sirius, that I was glad to experience an adventure.     "What is it?"          "Oh, I just had an idea of how I might perhaps prove my suspicion."

     "No, I haven't seen anything", the Fat Lady answered my question in a high voice that did not please my ears.          I tried again: "Nothing, no one sneaked out of the common room in the evening? No slender girl with red hair?"     "Not that I know of. A portrait also needs its beauty sleep, my boy. In general I no longer opened the entrance to the common room after curfew. If your friend has disappeared, then she probably did not even go into the common room in the first place."          "Thank you anyway."     "But I could give you a new demonstration of my singing? I have trained over the last weeks." She produced a gigantic glass bowl, although she had never once managed to shatter glass with her voice. The Fat Lady looked at us. A sparkle appeared in her eyes.     "I have decided to reach for stronger glass, because a strong woman needs a strong opponent." She held the bowl in her right hand, grinning cheerfully.     I tore my eyes open in panic. "No, that isn't necessary!", I pleaded and to our luck the Fat Lady did not begin to sing.

Oh great, I thought, afterwards the boys and I went down the stairs. We walked silently over the moving staircases and only hm-sounds from Sirius could be heard, since he could never think quietly, then we disappeared into a corridor.

     "Well, actually it isn't any of our business anyway...", Peter murmured quietly. Immediately my attention was directed at him.          "What do you mean by that now?", I snapped at him and did not know why I was suddenly so irritated. He flinched and began to speak his answer in a squeaky voice: "I mean, well, so, it's just that, hm-"     "Get to the point, Wormtail!", Sirius snapped, who also seemed to be irritated. Peter jumped on the spot in fright and now spoke more clearly: "If Phil wanted to leave, why should we search for her? What if she doesn't want to come back?"     I understood what he meant, but since Peter was not the brightest, at least when he was not hanging with his head over the edge of the bed, he had forgotten an important aspect, namely, if Phil had really been foolish enough to go into the forest, she might encounter dangers. Wolves or her own thoughts.          Last full moon I had seen what Phil's thoughts did to her.     "Just think for once, Peter, and this time a bit harder, hm? What happens if you run into a wolf pack all alone? Or other creatures?"     It rattled in Peter's head until it clicked and the blond boy looked at me with widened eyes. Now at least the last of us had understood it as well.          "Wolves and a missing Phil, most interesting", we heard a new voice that made me flinch. Instantly the face to the voice appeared: Elizabeth Lestrange.     The Slytherin strolled towards us, a grin on her lips.

Elizabeth's POV:

     "Lily!", I heard Severus' voice beside me.          I returned from my thoughts, in which I had been thinking about that Aquila the whole time. I had encountered her yesterday, then she had gone mad, and I could have sworn that she had heard voices in her head. Likewise, I had not thought the skinny girl capable of running so fast. I had still followed her as far as the Forbidden Forest, but I had not been foolish enough to go in there.     Today, however, all the Gryffindors were talking about this so-called Phil and were searching for her. I would not have cared if I had not seen her yesterday. I had already seen many frightened people, but what had happened yesterday had even shocked me. Her frightened, desperate eyes would not leave my head.     Just now, however, Severus directed my attention to himself, because he hurried up to Evans. I sighed loudly, did not hide my dissatisfaction. I followed my friend, schoolmate, and when Evans saw the Slytherin, her expression brightened.

The friendship between the two is not something I have to understand. I do not want to, otherwise my toenails would probably curl up.

     "Oh, hey, Sev!", Evans called and hugged him, so that I could only twist my face. I did not understand why Sev liked a Gryffindor. It was enough for me that because of this I had to encounter Evans and her friends more often. Luckily for me they could not stand me.          "Lestrange", the redhead greeted in the next moment when she noticed me. From her friends I received cold nods, which I returned, as well as the greeting: "Evans"     We spoke no more. Evans turned back to Severus and together we continued on our way. The two chatted splendidly, and since Snape was, so to speak, the only person with whom I had contact, I knew that he liked the Gryffindor a little too much. But even without this knowledge it was obvious that the Slytherin adored the Muggle-born.     Regrettably, I could not find much fault with the girl, if I set aside the concepts of proud, pure-blood families. Yes, I was a Lestrange and was proud that my family had a great name, yet in my opinion a person's ancestry said nothing about whether they were insufferable or not. Black, for example, was the best walking specimen that even pure-bloods could mutate into the greatest complete idiots.     Just as I thought of Black, I noticed how the so-called Marauders - a gang of brainless fools - moved out of the courtyard.           They put their heads together.      Once again Aquila's disappearance came to my mind. And because that interested me more than being Severus' shadow, I dropped back. The others did not notice my disappearance, which had been clear. For this reason I followed the brainless fools; my curiosity had been awakened.

Uh, an adventure, how exciting.

     Everything was better than continuing to watch Severus' infatuation. Therefore I went through the courtyard and on the other side I saw how the boys turned to the right. I knew that the Gryffindors had Herbology, yet the greenhouses were in the other direction.           It immediately became clear to me that they were planning something, and quietly I also turned right.     I followed them until they reached the moving staircases. I remained standing below for a while and used other staircases, so that they would not discover me. The brainless fools were fortunately too absorbed in their conversation. Step by step I crept my way, observing them as they spoke with the Fat Lady.

Yes, Lupin is the cleverest of them, I thought and examined the boy who spoke with the painting.

     It was obvious that he asked the painting whether it had seen Aquila, yet when the boys went down the stairs again, their faces were still gloomy.      They strolled to the third floor and I set myself in motion. Once I had to jump with a run onto a staircase that wanted to turn away from me, yet I caught it and quickly I followed after the boys. They stood in a corridor and I heard a quiet voice: "If Phil wanted to leave, why should we search for her? What if she doesn't want to come back?"          I peeked around the corner and recognised Pettigrew, who was being eyed sceptically by his friends. Black - oh, how I hated that bloke - looked at his small friend as if he were mad, yet Lupin spoke an answer: "Just think for once, Peter, and this time a bit harder, hm? What happens if you run into a wolf pack all alone? Or other creatures?"     Now my curiosity had finally been completely stirred. Because I alone knew that Aquila had run hysterically into the forest yesterday. So how could the brainless fools make a connection to wolves?           Animals that only lived in forests.     I was aware that I was just sticking my nose into someone else's business, however everything was better than two hours of History of Magic with Binns. Also I had not annoyed the boys for a long time.           So yesterday the last time.     Therefore I decided to leave my hiding place. "Wolves and a missing Phil, most interesting."

Phil's POV:

     I gasped and my lungs burned. I was fast, faster than others, but still it was too slow. How was I supposed to stand against wolves? It was foolish of me to think like that...

"But Phil, you can save yourself, and you also know how", the voice whispered. This time it did not sound kind. It was urging.

No, please not...

     I felt how at that thought my heart became heavy. My vision blurred. Tears were the cause, and they were traitors as well - they wanted me to obey this voice.     No, I could not save myself. I firmly believed that I was only a girl with a curse. I could accomplish absolutely nothing, I was only me, and I would die.

"Be what you are, why do you resist?""I have taught you better!"

     I fell to my knees and screamed: "No, you haven't taught me anything at all!"     It seemed as if I were talking to myself. My hands reached beneath the blanket of snow and found a stone. I scrambled up, wanted to run further, but pointless; the wolves had surrounded me. I was trapped.     "I never wanted to be like you!", I shouted on trembling. Tears did not stop forming in my eyes. I had never wanted it. Why had this burden been placed upon me?

"You cannot deny it, Phil!"

     "I can and I will. Never do I want to be like you! You left me! Explained to me how beautiful the world is, but you are wrong! You lied to me, and then you left!"

"I know, but it is the wrong time to suppress your true self, you will die, Phil!"

     "No..."

"You must do it!"

     "But I don't want to, it hurts so much...", I whimpered at the thought of what the voice spoke.     Ah, this all too familiar voice. How it is always right in a sick sort of way.     The wolves came ever closer. The stone fell from my hands, I clenched them into fists and sobbed.

"Phil, now!", the voice urged, and without having to look around, I knew that if I did nothing now, I would die. Not quickly, no, painfully and slowly.

     "I know...", I whispered, then it happened. I had to admit to myself what I was.     Pain overcame me and I flinched, fell to the ground. I shrieked, which startled the wolves briefly, because it was so loud. Everything burned, afterwards the transformation happened. I became my true self.

A howl sounded...