16 ~ Secrets

There was something deeply unsettling about trusting someone simply because he suffered the same fate.

Phil's POV:

     The snow-covered, dark grounds of Hogwarts seemed deserted, peaceful. This peace would not last long. Today was the full moon.     Some time had passed again, and I felt miserable. On the one hand, I would finally leave the castle and could live my old life again after the full moon. Dumbledore had told me that he could not force me to stay at Hogwarts, but that the forest was not a place for me.           Where did I belong then?     The last few days had made it clear that I was not wanted by some at Hogwarts. Likewise, I was not wanted in the wizarding world. No one wanted to have me anywhere. In the forest, in my former territory, my pack was still roaming, but they no longer wanted me either.

Even my second family does not want me anymore...Because I left them.

     Just thinking about the upcoming transformation made me feel sick. It always hurt so terribly. It would never end, because it repeated itself.           The curse was my constant companion.     For now I stood with a fixed gaze in front of the window, returning to reality. The dormitory was heated by the stove, yet I would have to go into the cold anyway. The girls were in the dormitory and were getting ready for bed. Mare was showering at the moment, Dorcas was writing an essay with Alice, which Lily had already written two days ago. The redhead was reading a book, and yet all their gazes were on me.          "I will not forget the time...", I said quietly, took my gaze away from the window. I went to my bed, where my coat and my shoes lay. After my words they all looked at me. Lily directly.     "We know", she said.     "It's just that we do not know how to deal with it", Dorcas replied and dipped her quill into ink, "it is also a strange thought."          "No one can get hurt. Dumbledore has made sure of that", I reassured them. Alice's brown eyes rested on me. She was the only one with whom I had not spoken at all yet.     "Dumbledore knows what he is doing, yes...", she murmured and it seemed that she had to convince herself with that sentence.     "Right", Dorcas said, "and we also cannot know how many werewolves there have already been at Hogwarts. Just imagine how many there are in the whole wizarding world, how many transform all at once today. A crazy thought.", the brunette nodded, but Lily threw her a stern look.      In the last while I had noticed that Dorcas had an open character. She always spoke her thoughts immediately, without thinking about them beforehand. But I liked that, because that way I at least knew where I stood.          "Alice is right, I have discussed everything with Dumbledore", I said as I put on my shoes, "Everything is under control."

I have myself under control, I thought.

     In the next moment I put on my coat, ran my hands over my face. My fingers were cold and I was afraid. I did not want to go outside, did not want to become that monster again. Trembling, I breathed in and out. It was no use, it was my curse and I had to live with it.     So I left the dormitory, I did not speak any farewell words. The door fell shut and I went down into the common room, which only housed a few people, which was strange since it was Saturday, yet I did not think about it, did not want to interpret anything into people's behaviour.     I sat down in an armchair in a corner. I waited, because Dumbledore had told me that Remus would show me how to leave the castle, namely without anyone noticing.      Remus Lupin carried the same curse as I did and had managed the last years at Hogwarts to leave the castle every month after all.     Dumbledore seemed to have changed a hut, magically. It was the place where Remus locked himself in every full moon. A lie, I believed, yet Dumbledore had said it like that.      In this hut there were now two rooms. A magical lock on a door, the walls enchanted, so that no sounds passed through. The two werewolves would not perceive each other.

Or?

     It frightened me.          An animal belonged under the open sky, not in a cage.     Yet it was no use; those were Dumbledore's rules. It was about our safety, because the forest was unsafe.          At least for normal people.     However, I did not think about it anymore; soon I would have to deal with it, not now.     It was already night. While I waited, more and more witches and wizards disappeared into their beds. No one paid attention to me. I listened to the crackling of the fire in the fireplace, stared at the staircase that led to the boys' dormitories. It became late, and since I did not know when Remus went outside, I waited a long time.          I almost dozed off when I heard a voice on the staircase.     "If you do anything stupid, we are no longer friends. Yes, that is a threat, Sirius!"     After these words I heard a door fall shut, then footsteps going down the stone staircase.      Remus Lupin came into my view. Thick jumper, hat, scarf. He looked bad. He reflected what I felt like inside. He had deep dark circles, deeper than mine, and was pale.     Remus Lupin spotted me and gestured for me to follow him. The Fat Lady let us outside and we went two floors down. At a painting with a bird Remus stopped. He whispered: "Whirlwind", and the picture jumped aside. Behind it was a corridor, which Remus illuminated with his wand.     Until now we had not spoken yet, but he turned to me when the painting swung shut. The air in the corridor was stuffy and I felt as if the walls were coming closer. As if the boy in front of me was too close.     "Erm", he began, "Dumbledore will already have told you. He will not accompany us to the hut, you know that?"          I nodded, because Dumbledore had said that in the past Pomfrey had accompanied Remus to a certain point, until he had wanted to go alone. Until one had trusted him.     "Dumbledore still sees everything, though, through the portraits. They talk to him."          "They... talk to him?", I repeated in a whisper.     Remus nodded.          I crossed my arms protectively in front of my chest and whispered: "I do not like the pictures. They frighten me..."     Despite the full moon, a small smile formed on Remus' lips. "You do not have to be. They are only pictures, really, but come."     He went on and I followed him. We did not talk much, yet I believed that neither of us knew what we should talk about.

We will soon become werewolves, that's it.

     After the corridor we came into another one, then yet another, until we reached the outside. Remus explained the passwords to me, but that I would not need to worry, since he would always accompany me, that is, if I wanted it. He also explained to me that Pomfrey would certainly accompany me if I went to her in the hospital wing.      That was how Remus had always done it, until his friends had known about his secret. Now he preferred to spend the time before the full moon in his bed.     When the icy winter air hit me, I pulled my coat tighter around me. I could see my breath dancing in the air and my steps made crunching noises as I walked with Remus across the dark grounds.      We had come out at an outer wall of the castle and at some distance, near the forest, stood a gigantic tree.     A thick trunk, a bushy crown.

Strange.

     "The Whomping Willow", Remus Lupin said and nodded his head towards the tree. I wanted to go on, yet he shook his head. So           I remained standing.     Remus had taken a long stick from the secret passage. It was made of wood and must have been two metres long. I had not asked what it was for, yet I saw it myself.     When Remus moved closer, the tree seemed to come to life. Its crown began to move, stood out eerily from the pitch-black night sky; yet before more energy flowed into the branches, Remus touched a point at the roots.     He gestured for me to come closer, then he said: "You have to touch this root knot, otherwise the tree lashes out."          "Why?", I asked, when he showed me another secret passage.We climbed inside. It smelled of earth and the walls consisted of it. Yet it seemed stable and Remus placed the stick on the ground.     "Because the willow keeps a werewolf from running back to Hogwarts. The passage leads to the hut, which is likewise locked", he explained to me, stood up and walked ahead of me.          When we set off walking, I did not know why, yet I had to speak. So I said: "Only not last full moon. Why were you not in the hut?"     While walking I only saw Remus' back. I walked behind him, believed that he would not answer me, yet he began quietly: "Because I was stupid. And what I tell you now, you must not tell anyone, because- No, do what you want with this information. I do not care if I get into trouble for it."     He turned to face me. Once again only the dim light of his wand could be seen. It illuminated his face white, made it look like a wall. I looked up at him, saw that it was hard for him to talk about it.     "I-I did not go into the hut last full moon because I am stupid and let my friends persuade me to go into the forest with them. They secretly learned the Animagus spell. They can transform into animals and 'control' a werewolf. So they believed. You felt the consequences."          I nodded slowly. "And no one is allowed to know that?"     "My friends would already shout at me if they knew that I told you about it. But I do not care. They started it. They wanted me out of the hut, so they should live with the consequences. Please, tell everyone."          Remus turned around again. I knew that the full moon spoke out of him, perhaps also guilt.     In the last weeks I had seen that he was kind to his friends, yet often argued with them.     Now he gave me a key.

To open the chest of his friends and make their lives difficult with their secret.

     I did not know what was wrong with it, since a werewolf truly belonged under the open sky. Locked in, he attacked himself. The scars on Remus' face showed that.     So I did not tell him that his friends were right. Nor would I betray them, since I had a far worse secret. Learning an illegal spell - or whatever - to help one's friend was nothing compared to what I had done.           I had killed someone.     The boys only wanted to help, to prevent Remus' suffering.     Yes, it had led to our encounter, yet I alone was to blame for that.          Not Remus.     I did not tell him that either; he would not have understood.          And if he had, then...

he would have seen a true monster in me.

     When the passage came to an end, we reached a dusty hut. The interior was covered with a layer of dust, which lay like a grey layer over broken furniture. The intact furniture was covered with white sheets.     We stood in a parlour, to the left and right there were several rooms. The wooden floor was covered with deep scratch marks, which ate into the planks in wild patterns. A musty smell hung in the air.          But the worst were the walls.     Torn wallpaper hung in shreds from the walls.          Wallpaper.     The torn wallpaper.          In the corridor, in my old house.     A girl covered in blood on the floor. Naked, wild. The blood was that of her mother.     The wallpaper on the walls.

The wallpaper...

     "Phil?"          I did not notice that I was walking backwards. Only when I bumped into a wall, then into a corridor.     A corridor with torn wallpaper.          The girl in the corridor.     My heart was beating too fast. My breathing was too fast.          I stumbled into another room.     Walls without wallpaper.     I went into the corner and sat down on the floor, pulled my knees up, hugged them.

Breathe in.Breathe out.

     I did not notice how much I overwhelmed Remus. I noticed nothing, only thought that I could not do this.     I could not simply lock myself in here.          My body was as if frozen.     Remus swore, because he was bad at comforting, which I did not notice.

Breathe in.Breathe out.

     The windows were barred. In the dark room only pale streaks of light illuminated the wooden floor. The moon had not yet risen.      But it soon would.          I could feel that.     "I, I", I began, as Remus crouched in front of me.          I got the feeling as if for the first time at full moon he was more afraid for someone else than for himself.     "Phil, everything is alright, well as far as it can be."     I looked into his green eyes, which appeared black.          Like on that night.          The night that had changed everything.     "I have never been locked in before, and if I have, I do not remember...", I confessed in a whisper. My voice trembled.     "You were always in the forest?"          I nodded.     "You will not remember it and afterwards I will be there if you need me. Okay?"          I nodded again.     In the next moment Remus also seemed to feel the beginning of the full moon. He explained to me that I was currently in a room that Dumbledore had prepared. The corridor separated me from Remus. Each door had its own lock, which could only be opened by a human.     Remus advised me at least to take off my coat, so that right after transforming back I would have something to wear. In winter it was always cold. After these words he went back to the door.     When our gazes met, I was still sitting in the corner, my knees drawn up. I felt thrown back to the last full moon.     Remus closed the door and the lock clicked. I did not hear his footsteps moving away.          I only heard my breathing and my pulse.     I looked around the empty room. The darkness seemed to crush me, and I would have most liked to cry. I wanted to get out of here. I probably could, but then what?

"Then you would be free, Phil."

     I shook my head and remained sitting.     Perhaps the people were right. Perhaps I had to be here, locked in. A wild animal belonged in a cage.     Because it was dangerous.          I was dangerous.

I have already killed.

     As I felt the moon rise, I did not only take off my coat. I took everything off and put it folded together in a corner. It was cold. In the dark I could see my breath. I was trembling and goosebumps covered my whole body.          But the pain of the transformation was the worst.     I dropped to my knees, curled up. The moon took possession of me and I collapsed onto my side, gasped. My foot cracked, my shoulder slipped out of its socket. I whimpered as my hand cracked. The bone broke, reshaped itself.

My body seemed to pulse.

     I felt the first hairs push through my skin, like thousands of needles. My face deformed and I lost consciousness.     When a human became a werewolf, they forgot everything that happened in the night. The beast took possession, took control.          With the girl it had always been different.     As a child she had not been able to remember, had not had control, yet the older she had grown, the more memories had returned after a night of the full moon.     Just like after the last full moon in the hospital wing. Her dreams about the pack, her family. The memories of the fight.          Even of the boys as animals.     The girl inside the werewolf remembered everything. How she had heard the second werewolf in the forest, how her pack had hunted after him. How they had found him. Accompanied by a dog and a stag.     She had saved them, because-          Yes, why?     Because she had never seen a second werewolf before?          Because she had felt the fear of the animals?

"Because you are weak, Phil!"

     When the transformation was complete, I came to my senses as a werewolf. I walked in circles, felt the wood beneath my paws.           No grass, no snow.     The air was stuffy, I growled at the walls. I tried to keep control, yet the further the night progressed, the more panicked I became. I scratched at the walls, bit at the lock. I threw my hairy body against the walls.          Nothing happened.     I was trapped and realised why the Shrieking Shack had its name.     In the night I howled a lot. I did not attack myself, but I played with the thought. Instead I tore apart a sofa, then the sheet. I hurled myself against the wall again, until I remained lying in a corner. My body hurt.     I did not think about how strange it would be if I were the first werewolf who did not attack himself. Secrets were there to be revealed eventually, after all. So what difference would it make if the world found out that I was a strange creature? A werewolf who knew what he was doing?

And on top of that-

     Those were the last thoughts before I transformed back.          As a strange werewolf, I had the honour of even experiencing the transformation into a human. My bones broke, reshaped themselves. I whimpered, whined, until it turned into gasping and screaming.     I was a human again - tired and exhausted.     For a few seconds I lay on the cold floor, until I put on my clothes. I was unsteady on my legs, yet I would have made it to the door. I just did not do it; the corridor still frightened me.     So I waited until a spiritually broken Remus Lupin came into my room. Through the fabric of his shirt I saw blood, a new scar marked his neck. His left hand was bloody as well.     In the latter I was in no way inferior to him, since I too had scratched at the walls until they had begun to bleed.     We did not speak a word to each other and went back into the castle together. Remus wanted to go to the hospital wing, I wanted to go to my dormitory.     I told him that my injuries were not serious and that as a werewolf I had probably chewed apart the sheet and the furniture. I did not wait for any reply and left him behind in the corridor. I could not go back to the hospital wing.

Not again.

     I continued on my way and found my way back to the Gryffindor common room all by myself. In a few hours the sun would rise. I only wanted to shower. In the dormitory I padded past the sleeping girls, disappeared into the bathroom.      As always I avoided looking in the mirror and stepped under the shower. I did not want to face myself after a full moon night. I was a monster. I would recognise nothing more in the mirror, besides the girl who looked far too sick. The warm water could not cleanse my inner wounds, but I stood under the shower for a long time.      Only when the sky outside had taken on a shade of grey did I go to bed. I disappeared beneath my blanket, yet because of the exhaustion I was cold.      I trembled, then the weakness won. Tears ran down my face, and I could not anymore. I did not want to have to endure this every month, it hurt so unbelievably much.

Why me exactly? Why does my life of all lives have to be like this?

     The tears did not stop. Sobs came over my lips and I pulled the blanket even closer around me. I tried not to wake the others, yet a little later one side of my curtains was opened. In the pale light and through the veil of tears I did not recognise the person, but it turned out to be Lily.           "You are not alone, Phil", she said and placed her hand on my back. I wiped away my tears with the back of my hand. My lower lip trembled.     I did not want to speak. I closed my eyes. Lily, on the other hand, sat down beside me on the bed and stayed with me until at some point I fell asleep.      She stroked my head and I wondered how I had deserved her.

     In the night, however, the memories of the last full moon haunted me. I was probably dreaming of it because I had spoken to Remus about it. Nightmares were nothing new to me, however...

     Growling, the reddish-brown werewolf fell to the ground, yet immediately sprang up again. Her paws whirled up the forest earth, mixed with snow, and she felt the damp settle into her fur.      The other werewolf and she circled each other. He did not seem to have himself under control. Not able to think clearly - just like her.      At some distance stood the dog and the stag, completely overwhelmed. She did not care. The other werewolf attacked, she defended herself. She dodged his blow, growled threateningly, before attacking herself.      Their bodies crashed into each other, and she forced him back. Then sharp teeth sank into her neck. At once she grew disgustingly warm, and she was certain that this warmth was accompanied by blood. He dug in his teeth, flung his head back and forth, yet because her first blow had landed perfectly, he whimpered and let go of her.      As he wanted to retreat, she swung out with her paw and bit him in the side. The metallic taste of blood filled her mouth, and she threatened to lose her reason. But after another blow from her opponent, she was thrown to the ground. She whimpered, hated herself for it.

Why was I still weak? Was the moon not supposed to grant me strength? Where was this strength?

     The black eyes of the werewolf narrowed into slits. His paws were braced against the ground, white clouds escaped his throat in bursts.           His maw was red with her blood.      She narrowly managed to dodge his next attack, which aimed at her left side, by throwing herself to the ground. Nevertheless, razor-sharp claws touched her flank.      She growled, bared her teeth. Her opponent had recognised her desperate position. She was lying on the ground, and a biting pain shot through her left thigh down to her knee.      Could she hear the tearing of skin? How his claws pierced fur and muscle alike?

Probably.

     She lay on the ground, tried to get up, did not manage it. The pain was too strong. She had lost. The other werewolf had badly injured her.           Blood emerged from the wound and glittered in the moonlight.      Her fur soaked up the thick liquid and became matted. Panting, she wanted to get up, yet collapsed back to the ground. Her snout landed in the snow, yet she did not feel the cold.      Numbness spread sluggishly through her body. It gnawed at her and wanted to call to her.

Is this the end? I do not know... But, would I care? Yes...

     She expected the final blow. Yet it never came. With her last strength she raised her gaze.      The stag and the dog did everything to keep the werewolf away from her, who wanted nothing more than to kill her. Yet some higher power must have been at work, because they managed it.           The full moon set at that exact moment.      The girl transformed back, and the last thing she perceived was that she was covered in blood.