Poguelandia: Week One

"My dad had this quote from Euripides." I tell everyone while looking around the circle, their faces lit up by the fire, "He'd say, 'The ocean washes away all the evil men do.'" I sigh, "But I'm not sure that's true. I don't think the ocean washes away anything." I ignore the concerned looks around me, the same looks I get every time I talk now, ever since we got here they look at me weird, like something is wrong, "If anything, the ocean makes you remember."

"In what context do you mean by evil? In your life, I mean," Pope asks, "are we talking moral, physical or metaphysical?"

"I'm not referring to existing or like things being left to chance, so not metaphysical evil in a sense," I look out over the dark waves, "In my case, the things that I want to wash away," I pause, thinking about my answer, "moral and physical evil. The fact that my free will was taken from me so many times and the suffering I endured because people can't distinguish what's right or wrong, those evils hang over my head."

Pope nods, "The ocean cant wash away things from your mind, Willow. I think the quote is referring to purification, because a lot of cultures believe the sea is powerful enough to wash away things that are morally contaminating or dangerous. There's people who also believe the ocean life balances things on land, making them pure."

"Is that why people drown themselves?" I ask before I can stop myself, "Like they think if they chose to die in the ocean, then it'll purify their actions?"

"I, uh, I don't know," Pope stammers, "I don't think that's a question that's been answered, since people in that position are probably.. dead."

"Think about it, from the very beginning of all of this, it was always Kooks and Pogues. Some people with everything, and some with nothing. That's the way it's always been. And that's how they wanna keep it. The Merchant gold was a part of that. For my father and me and John B, the treasure was our way out." I give my brother a sad smile, "How we evened the scales. How the Pogues win. But at some point... you kind of have to wonder... was the treasure an escape? Or was it a trap? Maybe it's something evil, you know?" I look around at my friends, "Why was I thrown in the middle, and the voice in my head that seems to be connected to it all, it's gotta be evil, right? Why did ward want to frame me for everything? Why did he use me? Why did Rafe hurt me?"

"Brookie," Sarah softly says, "we've talked about this. Ward would do anything to get his hands on the gold, you happened to be the easy target."

"Yeah but why?" I ask again, "Why would he do what he did? Even after he had the gold, he still wanted me killed. He wanted it to look like I killed myself."

She sighs, "He said something while John B was fighting him," She ignores my brother shaking his head at her, "he said that you were the reason that he lost me and Rafe."

"How am I the reason?"

"He thinks you turned me against him and that you made Rafe who he is, as if it's your fault he went psycho."

"Oh." I look down at my shaky hands, "I mean its true, right?"

"No, baby, it's not true." JJ kisses my shoulder, "Rafe is responsible for his actions."

"He went crazy over me," I argue, "I am the reason he did what he did." 

"Stop it, Princess, it's not your fault." His voice goes stern, I look away and shake my head, "No seriously, you've been so hung up on Rafe, its always about him--"

"JJ. Don't." Pope warns.

"I'm sorry." I mutter, wiping the tears that ran down my face, "I won't bring him up again." 

JJ sighs, "No, I'm sorry." 

"Why did things happen how they did for my dad?" I desperately ask, "What if he's alive, like Ward. It could all be connected.. maybe my dad is the reason I was being framed." I gasp as the thought hits me, "He was working with Ward, and.. maybe dad ran off and Ward knows, maybe they came up with the idea to cover their tracks by using me. By wanting me dead."

"You think dad would set you up to be killed in a jail cell while you were pregnant?" John B asks in disbelief, "You really think he ran off and is still working with Ward?"

"I don't know," I exclaim, "he could be working with someone else. What about the Limbrey chick? He could be working with her! We know she's connected to them and the gold." 

"You're going crazy, Willow." John B lets out a humorless laugh, "You have to stop obsessing over this shit. Dad is dead and the gold is gone, it doesn't matter anymore."

I know I'm crazy. 

"John B, that wasn't called for." Sarah scolds him.

"Whatever, excuse me for wondering if there's more going on." I stand up and take Emmy from JJ, "I'm going to bed." 

I disappear into the dark, leaving everyone behind me. 

"I love you, sweet girl." My body curls up on banana leaves under a tree with Emmy, letting her nurse to sleep while I look up at the stars in the dark sky. 

I wish everyone understood me more, I wish they listened to me and would stop looking at me like I'm... like I'm crazy. Because I know I am, but I don't need to be reminded, I don't need to feel so weak and fragile. I want to be normal and I want these stupid thoughts to leave my head, I want to think about normal life things, not obsess over my dad possibly being alive and working with people, or the possibility of him knowing what's happened to me and not caring. Because it'll crush me if I'm right, if there's more to this or if my dad was alive this whole time, I don't know how I could handle that. 

"Princess," JJ lays down behind me and cuddles against my back, "are you okay?"

"No," I answer honestly, "I'm confused and tired. And my head still hurts."

He runs his fingers through my curls, "I'm sorry you're hurting so much, but you aren't alone. I'm right here."

"I know," I sigh, "until you leave me because you forget I exist."

"I apologized for that baby," He murmurs in my ear, "you know I love you and Emmy. I didn't do that on purpose, and I feel like shit for not realizing you weren't with us sooner."

"I know, I know." I roll over after Emmy falls asleep, "I love you too, Jay." 

He wraps his arms around me and kisses me softly, "You and Emmy are all I need in life, I mean that."

"I know, Jay, I believe you." I kiss his chest, "I feel the same."

"How's your head?"

"I don't know, I was dizzy today, but it wasn't as bad as yesterday." 

"I'm worried about you." He runs his fingers through my hair again, "It scares me, it's been a few days since it happened and you're still not feeling better."

"I'll be okay," I reassure him, "I'm just tired."

"Get some sleep, maybe tomorrow will be better." He places a hand on Emmys belly, "Goodnight girls."

"Goodnight, Jay."

I don't know why I'm not okay, my head feels like it's heavier than it should be, my legs healing fine, but my body just straight up aches. My stomach has been cramping, I feel bloated, I'm exhausted, and my dreams have been wild so I hardly sleep. Sleeping usually results in me waking up screaming from my nightmares, so that's been fun. God, I'm a basket case. No wonder everyone is fed up and grumpy towards me, I'm ruining their fun. 

I need to get my shit together. For me and for my daughter, she deserves a healthy Mama. 

"Jay?" I whisper.

He shifts so he can see my face, "Yes Princess?"

"Do you still love me?" My voice cracks from my emotions poking through, "Even when I'm... like this?"

"I love you, Willow, more than you know." He caresses my face, "And I don't know what you mean by saying that, but I love you no matter what you're going through."

"Are you sure?" I sniffle, "Because... because you can be honest, Jay, I'll understand if I'm too crazy for you or.. or unstable.. or whatever."

He sighs lowly, "Baby, you are not crazy. Don't listen to John B, he's just stressed out about you and he's taking it out on you like he always does, but he didn't mean it. He felt bad about it after you walked off." He tilts my face up to look at him, "You're struggling right now, and that's okay, you don't have to be perfect all the time. Like I said, I'll love you no matter what you're going through. Unconditionally." 

I reach my hands up and place them on either side of his neck, "I can't lose you," I whisper, "I can't, baby, I.. I need you in my life."

"You have me," He cranes his neck to kiss my forehead, "I'm not going anywhere, Princess. I promise you that I am in this for the long run, that's why you're wearing that beautiful engagement ring on your finger, because one day you'll be my wife and we'll travel the world together and be free from all of this stressful stuff." 

"We're getting a head start on the travelling part," I rub my thumbs into the soft skin on his neck, "the Bahamas, check. Caribbean island vacation, check." 

"See," JJ chuckles, "we're already working on your travel bucket list. Which is something we're going to do for the rest of our lives, I want to see the world with you, Willow and I want Emmy to too, just like we talked about." 

I finally crack a smile, "Just like we talked about."

He smiles with me, "Exactly, my beautiful Princess. You have nothing to worry about when it comes to us," He holds my head to his chest, "it's us against the world." 

"You're stuck with me forever. And ever. And ever." I quote him from the day of the tarmac.

"I wouldn't want it any other way baby." He rubs his hands down my back, "Now get some sleep, tomorrow we can do something fun." 

"Okay." I settle into his embrace, "Goodnight, again."

"Goodnight, Princess, sweet dreams." 

~~~~~

My heart feels full, I've been sitting in the sand watching JJ draw up the flag design he came up with, he's been working on it all afternoon. He's using soot from our firepit, coating the end of a stick so he can use it like a caveman's pencil, and he snagged one of the white swaddles from Emmy's bag of stuff. He's so adorable kneeling in the sand over his masterpiece. 

He looks so happy here, happier than he was in the Bahamas, which says a lot. 

JJ jumps up and holds the flag in the air, "Success!"

"It's done?" I grin at him, he nods and runs over to a tall palm tree nearby. I play with Emmy's hands, making her clap, watching JJ scale the tree trunk and tie the flag, letting it flap in the wind. "I love it, Jay!"

"WHOO!"

"It's perfect!" I happily exclaim. 

He jumps down and sits next to me, grabbing a stick and the sharp rocks I gathered to make spears with, "Rescue?" He laughs, "From what? From paradise? I'm not going back to obx. I mean look around. We got everything we need," He looks around at our camp, "right here."

I admire his beaming smile, a soft smile on my own face, "Just like we talked about." 

He nods, giving me a knowing look, "Exactly." We sit in silence for a minute, "How's yours looking, baby?" I hold up the spear I already made, feeling accomplished when he smiles at my handiwork, "You ready to provide for the family?"

"Yeah," I get to my feet, holding Emmy to my chest, "let me see if Sarah will watch her for us."

"Lets go kill something." JJ grabs my hand, our spears in his free hand.

"You don't have to say it like that." I laugh, letting him guide me towards the cave where Sarah and John B are working on weaving baskets.

"That's exactly what were gonna do, Princess." 

"It just sounds so barbaric."

"Well, that's the circle of life, Willow. Unless you want to eat coconuts forever?" He teases, "Though I do love how good the coconuts make you smell."

"Oh do you now?" I lightly shove him away when he tries to smell my neck, "I smell like the travel soaps in my bag."

"And coconuts. But you smelled like that before we got here, it's just stronger now."

I laugh, "So observant." 

"Hey, Barbie, can you watch Em?" He calls out, "We're gonna spear hunt."

"Yeah, give me my baby." Sarah holds her hands out, taking a very squealy Emmy when I pass her over, "I've missed you my happy little bug."

"You saw her like an hour ago." JJ chuckles, "Maybe less than that."

She shrugs, keeping her eyes on Emmy while clapping her hands together. 

"Lets go fish." I lean into JJ, using him for support when we walk away from the cave, "I still have no idea what I'm doing, I'm used to fishing poles, not spears."

"I know, Princess, that's why you have me." He hands me my spear after pulling away from me, "Todays the day, we got this, I believe in you." He points at the water we're now standing in, "Now watch your shadow, they see that, they're gone."

I clutch the spear in my hands, keeping my eyes on the water, slowly stepping towards the center of the shallow pool, being careful to keep my shadow behind me, "I can do this." 

"Here we go," JJ leans forward with his spear in his hands. God, those muscles and his perfectly tanned skin. Shit focus.. focus.. focus.. "just like we practiced, baby, alright?" He smiles at me, showing me how confident he is in my ability to spear a fast moving fish while my heads all funky. 

We've tried this a few times before and it ended with me being discouraged because I can't keep my eyes focused enough, its like I lag a second behind my thoughts. It made me feel even more useless than I've already been feeling, so I have to make it happen today, I need to contribute somehow or the group will continue to see me as a weak link. I can provide for the family.. I can do this. 

"You're not useless."

I feel useless. 

"One day you'll realize you're far from useless. You'll see how important you are."

Can that day be today?

"Okay." I shift my gaze back to the water.

"Hey, hey baby," JJ quietly exclaims, "baby, baby, baby, it's a skate." He points to an area between us, I squint my eyes so I can see it better, gripping my spear to the point where my knuckles go white, "It's a skate, right there. You see him?"

"Yeah," I spot the skate and raise my spear, "I got this."

"He see's me, he's coming by you." He rushes out, an excited expression taking over his face, "He's coming towards you."

"Yeah, I.. I see it." I watch the skate move closer to me.

"This is it, this is the time, baby." 

"I can't... I really can't." I nervously claim, "I--"

He jumps forward and stabs his spear into the water, "Dang it, I missed it." He frantically looks around, "Where is it?"

I spot it behind him and lunge forward, stabbing my spear where the grey spot is, JJ turns around right as I lift the skate in the air, a wide smile on my face. 

He pulls me into his arms, planting a kiss on my lips, "You did it Princess! We're having skate tonight!"

I giggle and hand him the heavy spear, "Oh shit, I did that."

"Full pogue!" He yells in excitement, dancing around while holding the skate up in the air, "WHOO! That's food in our bellies right there, baby."

"Yes!" I cheer with him before stumbling into his arms, "Thank you for believing in me, Jay."

"I knew you could do it," He murmurs, "you're amazing."

"So are you." I rest my hands on either side of his neck, "I don't want to ever leave here either, just so you know."

JJ smiles, "Our paradise island."

I nod, "I feel safe here." 

"I know you do," His eyes soften, "he can't get you here." 

"I know." I kiss him slowly, wishing he could see just how much I love him, "Lets go show the others our dinner." 

"Yes, lets." He links our hands together, carefully pulling me with him towards the cave where all of our friends and our sweet baby are relaxing, they all snap their heads up when we get into view, "Willow got us a skate!" He flaunts my catch while everyone cheers, "Princess provided for the family."

"About time." Kie whispers close by. 

I furrow my brows, my stomach twists as her words sink into my mind. No one seems to have heard her but me, which makes me wonder if I had even heard her right, because she's now joining in on the excitement of our new food item on the menu for the evening. I don't know why I can't get over this comment, if it was real, because now I feel like I'm falling into panic mode, I should be happy but I'm not, not like I was a few moments ago. 

"You need to hydrate," JJ guides me to the logs around the fire that's now lit so we can cook our dinner once Pope finishes prepping the Skate. 

I sit quietly, watching the girls play with Emmy, JJ plops down next to me and hands me a coconut, "Thank you, babe."

"You're welcome," He kisses my head, "are you okay?"

"The sun wore me out," I lie, "I just need to eat, then I'll be okay."

He smiles, "I'm so proud of you."

"I'm just glad I could contribute." I lower my eyes to the coconut in my hands.

"You're doing just fine, Princess." He quietly tells me, "I love you."

"I love you too." I force a smile when I look back up at him, "I've never had skate before."

"It's sorta nutty and similar to crab meat, you'll like it." He pulls me into his side, "I wish we had some lemon or something to add to it, but it'll be good since all we've had is various berries and fish all week."

"Thank God we're having something other than fish," I chuckle, "it's getting old already."

"I can agree to that. Little Princess is getting tired, we should go to bed earlier tonight."

I nod in agreement, my eyes now on Emmy in Cleo's lap, her little eyelids look heavy while she tries to play, "I'm tired too."

"I know you are," He murmurs, "the sun hasn't been on your side lately."

"Nope," I sigh, "it hasn't." 

He kisses my neck, "I'm going to go help Pope, stay in the shade, let the girls play with Emmy so you can relax for a bit."

"Okay, babe," I peck his cheek, "don't get lost."

He chuckles and gives me a thumbs up before disappearing out of the cave. I look around, noticing Cleo and Kie took Emmy over to the shaded area near the shallow water. Sarah and John B are on opposite sides of the cave while prepping the stones we use as plates and cracking coconuts open for everyone, and then there's me. Just sitting here with no tasks, like normal, since everyone knows I'm too weak to do much and would probably pass out if I overexert myself. 

I push myself up from the log I'm on and stumble over to Sarah, "Can I help?"

Sarah smiles softly and hands me an open coconut, "I'm almost done, but I could use some company."

I sip on the mellow liquid, giving up on being helpful, "I'm glad you and John B are doing so good."

She nods, keeping her eyes on the stone she's scraping clean, "Me too, I really thought we'd lose what we had because of how distant we got, but he finally showed an effort to fix things and I couldn't chance him moving on." 

"You're good for him," I look over at my brother at the other end of the cave, chuckling when he smushes his finger trying to crack another coconut open, "he needed someone to level out his dodo brain."

She laughs, "Oh Willow, such a sweet sister."

I giggle, "I am, I promise, but he is... being an idiot over there."

She glances over her shoulder and quietly groans when she see's him dancing around milking his injury, "He's... a character, that's for sure, but I love that about him."

"I know," I smile at her, "he's good for you too." 

"How so?" She looks off into the distance.

"You're no longer a stuck up Kook," I playfully nudge her when she rolls her eyes, "no but seriously, you're different now, but in a good way. You appreciate life more."

"I do, y'all have shown me there's more to life than materialistic things and popularity." She looks back out over the water, her face dropping when her eyes settle onto something, "John B!"

He runs up to us, "What what?"

Sarah turns to the ocean again and points, "Do you see that?" 

He furrows his brows, "See what?"

"That boat."

I whip my head in the direction of the water and squint my eyes, "Oh... no no no."

"What boat?"

"Right there," Sarah points again, "Eleven o'clock."

"No." I whimper, holding onto her arm, "Is it.."

John Bs expression softens, "I think it's just the white caps in the reefs--"

"But you don't know that." Sarah argues, "It's right there. I see it."

"Sarah, Willow, hey--"

"What if its.." I trail off when my heart beat starts to painfully thud against my ribcage. 

"No, it's.. it's.. it's not Ward.. it's not Rafe, Okay?" He softly tells us, "I promise."

"No, I'm sure." Sarah quietly says while looking at me with a confused look.

I tear up and look back out at the water, "I'm scared." I whimper, tears now falling down my face, "He's.. he's going to find me," I raise my voice and back away, "What if.. what if he finds me?"

John B puts his hands up to reach for me but I back away again, "Hey, hey, Willow, just trust me, okay? He can't find you here."

"You don't know that!" I sob, "He always FINDS ME." 

"Hey, baby, baby, whoa," JJ runs up and wraps me in his arms, "what happened?"

"He's going to find me and kill me." I go limp in his arms, my thoughts weighing me down, making me gasp for air, "He's... probably.. so mad.. that... I.. got.. away.."

"You're safe here, Princess." JJ murmurs, "I promise you that he can't find us here."

"What.. happens.. if.. we.. get.. rescued?"

"Then we go home, and we will protect you." He holds me up, kissing my head every few seconds.

I let out a strangled laugh, "Because.. I.. was.. protected.. so.. well.. before.."

JJ sighs, "I know, but we will do better. You and Emmy will never be left alone again."

"What a great.. life to.. live." I bury my face against his neck, "I'm so scared."

"I know." He lowers us to the ground, "But right now, we're safe."

"I hope.. so." I lean into him, digging my fingers into the sand, "I don't.. I don't feel good, Jay."

"You are safe right now. Breathe Willow."

I can't.

JJ pulls me away from his chest to look at my face, "What's wrong?"

My head starts to feel heavier, my vision tunneling, "I feel.. like passing.. out."

"Shit, someone get a coconut for her." He pulls me into his lap, his fingers checking my pulse after I close my eyes, "Baby?"

"Still here." I whisper, his voice muffled in my ears.

"Stay awake."

"I.."

~~~~~

JJs POV

"Why does she keep passing out, Pope?" I frustratedly ask, "We've been here a week and she's not better."

"She had a head injury, man, it obviously caused some kind of damage." Pope leans over and checks Willows pulse again, "Her heartrate is still really high."

"She doesn't have her meds." Sarah wipes sand off of Willows cheek. 

I sigh and run a hand through my hair, "This shit is scaring me."

"It's not ideal." Pope agrees, "But we will find a way home and get her help." 

I feel guilty for not wanting to leave, I want Willow to be able to go to a doctor, but it's perfect here, she's finally safe from Rafe. 

"Jay." Willow breathes out.

"Hi Princess," I smile and hover over her, "how do you feel?"

"Tired." She looks exhausted, but still beautiful.

"How about we eat and then we go to bed?" I help her sit up after she nods, "The girls still have Emmy."

"Okay." She takes the skate John B hands her and nibbles on it while leaning into my side, "It.. is good, Jay, you... were right."

I give Pope and John B and look after seeing how weak she is. She's been eating just as much as us, she drinks coconuts to stay hydrated, I don't know why she's so drained. 

"I'm glad you like it." I rub her back, not knowing what else I can do to help her feel better. 

"I'm sorry." She mutters while keeping her eyes down.

I dip my head down and kiss her neck, "Nothing to be sorry for Princess."

"Its annoying dealing with me like this."

I shake my head, "I don't think it's annoying, I worry but it doesn't bother me like you think it does."

She stays quiet and continues to eat, her eyes unfocused, while she gets lost in thought, something she does often now. 

I would do anything to take away her pain, to take away the constant worries she has and the fears that cripple her most days. If I could go back in time I'd prevent Rafe from going anywhere near her, I'd keep her away from all of the bad stuff that's happened, make sure she never got caught up in the middle of the gold, not let her go down the tarmac that day. There's so many things I'd go back and change, but I'd never want our love to change, that I'd keep the way it is, minus the rough moments we had. 

But I can't do any of that. So instead I keep her close and help her with anything she needs. Showing her that I'm the man she needs in her life, that she's enough for me and can be happy. 

Maybe one day she will be okay, for now I can pick up the pieces for her. 

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