Chapter 100

Peeta

"Well I towed you from the wreckOf dimming shadows in my headOnly yesterday." -Houses

"Are you sure she's ready?" I ask, for the millionth time today."Yes, Mr. Mellark. We're sure she's ready now. We've made sure every precaution is taken to ensure her safety. There are doctors on hand in case anything happens. For the last time, everything is ready. Everything is fine," Aurelius says. I can tell he's getting tired of me asking, but I don't care.

--

Katniss

They've had me try walking a couple of times. It's surprising how many muscles it takes to walk and how it hurts my neck badly to do so.But I do it anyway, since I need to use the bathroom and they insist on me getting up and out of bed, even if it's just to sit in the chair.

Doctor Lucia came in earlier today to check on the baby one last time. She keeps on calling it our miracle baby, which it seems like both of our children are. They survived so much before even being born. Willow... Willow survived my seizures and my never ending PTSD and me almost terminating. And this little one, well, they're already survived a brain infection and harmful medications and now Peeta's episode. I don't know how we've been both so lucky and so unfortunate.

A nurse helps me out of bed while Doctor Wilson observes. My legs feel fine, only a bit shaky. Since I'm loaded with anti inflammatory drugs and pain killers, even my neck feels alright. It's not my neck that's bothering me right now. It's Peeta.

Sure, I love him. I've forgiven him 10 times over although we haven't spoken yet, but what if he goes off again? And what will I do when all he can say to me is how sorry he is? How will I even communicate to him?

The nurse helps me walk to the wheelchair they're prepared for me. She holds her arm out for me to steady myself, but I only use it to help myself get up. I can walk just fine for now. I want to tell them I don't want a wheelchair, so I point to it."We can't let you walk until we understand your neck injuries to the full extent. I'm sorry," she says.

I just stare blankly and sit down in the chair slowly. The nurse brings a blanket and puts it over my bare legs. "Better?" She asks. I blink in response.

There's a mirror in the hospital room. I can just about see myself in it from where the wheelchair sits. The brace is a gray plastic with a darker foam of some sort on the inside. I can see some bruises that peek out of the brace and a little bit of a welt left on my cheek. My face looks pale, but I don't care much. It always has been. But my hair... It's a mess. I can't help but be bothered by it, despite how little I've ever cared about how I look.

The nurse must notice, because in a few seconds I feel a comb in my hair.My eyes lock onto hers in the mirror since I can't turn my head to look at her."I figured that you'd want your hair to look a bit more presentable, considering that you're about to see your husband again," the nurse says.I smile almost imperceptibly.

Her hands start weaving my hair into a braid and I flinch. Nobody's braided my hair except for me since... Well, since Prim was alive."Relax. I know what I'm doing. My sister taught me how to braid like this after you made it so iconic in your Games," she says.

For some reason, the image Cato's bloodied face pours into my mind. Clove's eyes rolling back into her head, the way the blood blossomed out of Rue's chest, the way Glimmer looked after she was stung to death, how Marvel looked as the arrow went through his abdomen, the way he fell to his knees, the way he used his last seconds of life to take it out of him.He was my first kill.

"Katniss? Are you alright?" The nurse asks.I snap out of it. I blink as an answer. "You ready?" She asks.I blink again. I look one last time in the mirror to see the braid completed and perfect. I haven't had my hair  braided this well in years.

"Well then I guess it's go-time," she says with a smile. She grabs ahold of the wheelchair and wheels me out of the room.

I'm going to see Peeta.

--

I feel like it takes years to get to where it was decided we would go. I believe we're going to his hospital room, because we're taken out of the wing I was in and into a wing full of patients almost ready for discharge.

Thankfully, nobody is in the corridors because it's nearing nighttime. Yes, lights out is in less than an hour. Our meeting will be a brief one. My heart starts racing as we near his room. I start to make guesses as to which one he's in, but I'm wrong ever time.

Once we get to room 1213, though, I'm sure it's the one.And it is. The nurse stops at the door and knocks. I hear Aurelius inside yell something alone the lines of come in.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" The nurse asks me one last time. In reality, I'm not sure. I love Peeta with all my heart, all my soul, all of my being. I would never hold what happened against him. I know how those things work. But he hurt me. No matter who it was inside his head, it was his hands that wrapped around my neck.

When I don't answer, she opens the door anyway."Hello?" Aurelius says.The nurse walks in before me.She says something that I can't hear. "Oh! Perfect, but it seems as if there was a misunderstanding. Peeta's waiting for her in the waiting area by the nurse's station, not here." Aurelius replies to her.

Once they get it all sorted out, we get on our way to where we really needed to be. Aurelius decides to tag along with the nurse and I and tries to make some light conversation as we go. Everyone here knows I can't talk, yet they still speak to me as if they're expecting an answer. I sit in silence, listening to the two of them chatter on about a TV show I've heard of but never watched.

We round a corner and I'm taken aback when I see the figure of Peeta sitting in a chair. Of course, there's nobody else out here, so I know it's him.

When he hears the sound of my wheelchair, his head whips over to look at me. He looks heartbroken. His entire face looks sad and regretful and guilty. I want to get up I want to go to him, to tell him I love him.

My instincts start to get the best of me. I've never been a troublesome patient before, so even I didn't expect it. But seeing Peeta in such pain...

I grip the arm rests on the wheelchair and, even while the wheelchair moves, I brace myself to stand. I let the blanket fall to the ground and I stand up. I take a few steps just to test the waters, and I hear the disdain of Aurelius and the nurse."Mrs. Mellark! You need to sit back down! What do you think you're doing?" They say.

I don't turn around to sit back in the wheelchair. Instead, I keep walking. I make it to Peeta a couple of steps later, and while he looks a bit worried for my safety, he stands to help me. He lets me grab ahold of his hands and helps me sit down in the chair next to him. When I'm sitting again, I hear Aurelius sigh from a few yards away, where he sits with the nurse and the empty wheelchair. A few stray doctors walk around the area and act busy, but we know they're here in case Peeta or I snaps.

"Katniss, I'm so sor—" He starts. I grab his hand again, but he keeps talking."You're going to hate me now. I understand if you don't love me anymore. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. You know I would never do anyth—"

The only way I can get him to shut up is by, yes, being a bad patient again."Never... Say... You're sorry," I rasp out slowly. My voice doesn't sound anything like a real voice. It sounds more like someone wheezing, but it catches on the word 'say' and I think I hear a scrap of what I sound like. It's the first time I've spoken, and now I understand why they told me not to. A dull ache spreads through my throat and neck, but I don't stop. I'm not sure Peeta can even understand me, but at least he know's I'm trying.

"I... Love you... No matter—""Katniss!" Aurelius nearly shouts.I shut my mouth quickly. They must have heard me.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" He asks. I've never seen him angry before. Peeta squeezes my hand and I prepare to get the reprimanding I deserve.

"Do you realize what's happened to you? There is a reason why you're not supposed to talk! We don't do this just to torture you! You aren't allowed to talk because if you do, you could do even worse damage than has already been done. Do you realize that? Imagine never being able to speak normally ever again! That's what you could do to yourself!" He scolds.

I look at the floor guiltily as he continues to tell me how fragile voices are and how I'm putting mine in danger.

"Please," he says. "Just no more talking, or this will have to get cut short." It's a good threat, I'll give him that.

I try to just let my eyes do the talking.

Peeta stares guiltily at my neck brace. I'm sure he sees the bruises that peek out of the top and bottom and I can't imagine the pain he's feeling.I take his hand and splay it open, palm up.

Letter by letter, I write out the words forgive yourself. He closes his hand into a fist again and I know he understood what I said. I squeeze the hand that I'm holding and try to keep myself from starting to cry. I don't want him to agonize over this any more than he already has. I want him to forgive himself, right this second.

Tears fill my eyes, and I'm not even sure why. I love Peeta so much. I need him to be okay. I didn't want this to happen to us, but I also think I needed it to happen to us. Now, I know how Peeta feels when I try to pull something or when I would go into a relapse or have a flashback. I understand the pain, the hurt behind his eyes, the guilt.... I've lived all of that. And now I understand just how it feels to be in his situation.

The nurse taps my shoulder and hands me a notepad and a pen. I'm lucky to have her. We've never even spoken and she seems to know exactly what I need.

I scrawl down a couple of different sentences.

I still love you, Peeta.

You need to know that I don't blame you for this.

I know exactly what it was. I've lived it.

I hand him the notepad so he can read it.

"But, Katniss, you've never hurt me like this," he says.

I take the notepad back and write again.That's a lie.

It is a lie. There have been times where I've shoved him off of me into a wall and he hits his head or things like that. I guess what happened to him and what happened to me in terms of injury aren't quite equal, but I've hurt him before.

I hold it up for him to read, this time. He doesn't speak.

I rip the page off to reveal a blank one and continue to focus on writing.I'm fine. The baby is fine. EVERYTHING IS FINE.

I show him the page. He's still silent."I just never wanted to hurt you," he says.

I know that. You didn't hurt me. I'm still here, I'm still okay, I'm still the same girl who's just madly in love with the boy in front of her. This doesn't need to change anything.

I hold up the paper for him.He rubs his face with both of his hands and I think he's trying to hide his tears."God, I love you," Peeta says to me.

I love you too. We can put this behind us. I'm ready to. I think you are, too. These bruises? They'll go away. I'll be able to breathe again. I'll be able to talk. We'll have this baby and then life will go back to normal, okay?

I rip off the piece of paper and hand it to him.

"Alright, it's 5 minutes until lights out. I suppose it's best you two head your separate ways," Aurelius intervenes."When can we see each other again?" Peeta asks."I don't know. I believe Katniss has given us some signs that she's not ready to do this, so it could be a couple of days. The standing, the talking... It's no good," he replies.

"What, so you're punishing us?" Peeta asks."Not in the least. We've discussed it and Katniss has made it evident that she can't control her impulses around you," Aurelius says.

I keep my gaze locked on the floor in front of me while Peeta continues to come to my defense.

"She hasn't been able to speak for days! Of course she's going to want to. It's not her 'impulses'. She's starved of communication," Peeta argues."Either way, she's made it quite clear that she can't handle it yet. If she's going to continue to put herself at risk for more injury, then we can't allow you to meet often. That's just how it works," Aurelius replies.

Peeta goes to start defending me again, but he stops himself. He instead focuses on me. I turn my gaze from the floor to his face and tears form in my eyes. I don't want to go back to my silent room. I don't want to sit alone anymore. Even if I can't talk, I need company there.

"Hey, listen," he says, helping me stand up. My legs shake from weakness and how drained I feel. "Everything is going to be fine. It's all okay. We'll get through it. You said it yourself, Katniss."

I open my mouth to speak, my defiance heightening. I don't care what the doctors tell me. I'm going to speak to Peeta. I don't care anymore. Words are just forming on my lips when Peeta's press onto them to keep me from speaking. It's awkward and difficult and painful to kiss with my brace on and my neck all bruised up, but just the feeling of our lips pressed together is enough to make me feel whole again.

That same warmth from the beach in the Quarter Quell spreads through my entire being, even out to my fingertips.

When we come up for air, he pulls me into a hug. Pain erupts in my neck, but I let it happen. I hug Peeta back and let his embrace consume me. When we finally pull apart, I feel tears starting to sting my eyes.

"Hey," Peeta says. "I'll see you soon, okay?"

I want to tell him goodbye, but I can't. So instead, he leads me to my wheelchair, helps me sit down, and covers me with the blanket.

"Get some rest, okay? I'll see you soon, Katniss. I promise," he says.