Chapter 86

Katniss

"When the oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace. I am yours and you are mine." -Hillsong United

A few hours later, we both still lay on the couch awake. I find it funny how we always end up awake at this hour of the morning. We always seem to be awake during the darkness of 2AM. Maybe it's the fact that we're safe in each other's arms or the soft, warm orange glow the fire casts on the room. Either way, neither of us want to let go.

"I've been wondering something." Peeta says."You've been wondering something?" I ask.He nods."What?"

"I... Uh... I don't know. Nevermind, it's kind of stupid." He changes his mind."Peeta, don't do this to me." I say."No, it's not that. I know what you mean, but really... It's not such a good idea." He replies.

I tilt my head up and kiss him."Now will you tell me?" I ask."I'll consider it." He replies."Whenever you're ready..." I say jokingly.

I rest my head on his chest and try not to fall asleep. I feel Peeta's breaths evening out and I think he's slipped off into sleep, but he places his hand on my back and rubs it lightly."You still haven't told me." I state, just so he knows."I'm aware." He says back, trying to act irritated.

"You're not going to tell me? Fine. You're not allowed to sleep until you do." I say, trying to force it out of him."You play dirty, Katniss. That's not fair!" He laughs quietly."I'm not kidding." I say frankly.Peeta sighs and stays quiet for a while. I suspect he's falling asleep again, so I nudge him with my elbow.He wakes up again.

Still, he's silent. "What are you doing?" I ask."Just listening.""To what?""To everything," He replies. "To the way you breathe, to the sound of the fire, to the sound of the little noises the refrigerator makes, to the silence." "I swear to God, everything that comes out of your mouth belongs in poetry or something sappy." I joke.

He laughs a little and I tilt my head up to look at what he's looking at. He has his hand around my body and placed on my stomach firmly."I want another." He whispers quietly, as if he needs to be ashamed.I sit up quickly so I can get a good look at his face."I...I... I mean, if you don't want another, that's okay. I understand. It's totally fine. I really understand. Uh, I shouldn't have even said... Um... I'm sorry..." He says, going on and on in embarrassment.

It's incredibly cute how he tries to take it back by endlessly talking. I lie back down on top of him on the couch and press my ear to his chest. I listen for his strong heartbeat and allow myself to feel okay, even if just for a fraction of a second. "Please say something." Peeta begs."Tell me again. And tell me more." I request.

"Katniss, if you don't want--""I want to hear you say more." I cut him off.He inhales deeply.

"I want another. Another baby. I want Willow to grow up with somebody who'll look up to her. I think she needs that responsibility, for one thing. But I love seeing you as a mother. I fell in love with the way you looked with your baby bump. I fell in love with the way you reacted when the baby kicked. I fell in love with the way you squeezed my hand so hard I thought you'd break it when you were in labor. I fell in love with the person you are around kids, the way you love them, the way you mother them. I fell in love with it." He says.

I feel my heart beating. "I...I... I fell in love with it, too." I reply shakily but honestly.The way it felt, holding my new baby in my arms for the first time, showing her to Haymitch and Effie, watching her grow up. I want to watch it again, I think.

"And this time... It could be planned. We would know about it and we would know we wanted it. It could be better now that you're recovering. You could feel like you're still living while you carry it." He explains.He has a point."Say something. Please." He says.

"I... I agree," I say. "I want one, too." "It doesn't have to be now. It can be in a few months or whenever you're ready or whenever it feels right. But I just need to know we're on the same page." He says."We are. And I don't want to wait much longer. She's already 5 years older than any baby who's going to be born. Maybe a year, at the latest," I say. "But I agree."

Peeta nods at me and breathes a sigh of what I would imagine as relief."I'm glad you agree." He says.

"You really got me good, Peeta." I say."Huh?""You really got me good," I repeat. "You really made me fall in love. I don't know how you did it, but you did. Damn it, Peeta. I am so in love with you and every word that comes out of your mouth. I am so in love with the way the tip of your tongue sticks out of your mouth when you paint. I am so in love with the way you bake. I am so in love with your laugh and your smile, it makes me feel like I'm melting. You really did it. You really made a girl made of metal into a softie."

He pulls me up closer so that my head is next to his, not on his chest. He kisses me and I feel the warmth spreading through my body again. It fills every crevice in my body with that tingly feeling and makes my heart pound. It's a feeling I find myself craving more and more often. I kiss back, hoping that I provide the same sensation to him.

"So," I say between kisses. "maybe we won't be waiting as long as we thought."

He smiles at me and, deciding the couch wasn't a good place, we move upstairs to our room. Peeta checks to make sure Willow is sound asleep before returning and shutting the door. After everything is stripped of us, the only thing left is us, our love, and what we plan to do with it.

--

I wake up a few hours later with the sun streaming through the window, realizing I'm still unclothed and feeling slightly embarrassed before I remember that the only person who can see me is Peeta. My husband. And it's not like he hasn't seen me like this before.

I laugh to myself a little bit, thinking of the hours before this one. And while I don't think anyone would ever want to watch us for entertainment, as Finnick once told us about Capitol citizens' interests in that sort of stuff, we still make a pretty good pair.

An undeniable sense of fear quakes through my body as I realize that if Peeta got me pregnant, there's no turning back. I mean, there is, but it's not what I would ever want to do. I try to take a deep breath and tell myself that this is what we wanted. And, for all I know, I could be totally and utterly un-pregnant.

Peeta's eyes open and he pulls me closer to him."Hey, beautiful." He says."Hi." I reply quietly."You alright?" He asks."Yeah. Just nervous." I reply."You still want one, right?" He asks, becoming more alert."Yeah. It's just scary." I say sighing.

I pull on pajamas that I find laying on the floor next to the bed. Peeta does the same, just in case Willow comes in. She'll be coming in soon if everything goes smoothly and she comes to wake us up.

In a half hour, when Willow doesn't come to wake us up, we start to get worried. "You know, I'll go...um...I'll go check on her." I say, getting out of bed.

I walk quietly down the hallway towards her room. When I'm close to the door, I hear a whimper. It sounds... Almost like a dog. I pause at the door, trying to prepare myself for anything that would be behind it.

I open it slowly and another whimper, this time louder, comes from inside. There she sits, pale and sweaty, frozen in her bed."Willow? Are you okay?" I ask, walking in.She doesn't reply.

"Can I come sit?" I ask her.Of course, there's no answer. So I go and sit down next to her on her bed."Did you have a nightmare?" I say, pulling her close to me.She doesn't speak. She just nods."Do you want to talk about it? What happened?" I ask. She usually never wants to. She'll just keep quiet and hold it in, which worries me a little, but I let her go. Sometimes you have to be alone with those things.

I wrap my arms around her."You know you're safe here. Mommy and daddy would never let anyone hurt you. Ever." I say into her hair.She nods.

"Mommy and daddy have nightmares too, Willow. Did you know that?" I ask.She turns her head to look up at me."Is that why sometimes you scream at night? And why sometimes you don't go to bed? And why sometimes you're not happy in the morning?" She asks.It kills me to hear her say that.She has been noticing. I mean, I always thought she did, but hearing her say it makes the guilt feel even more real.

"Yeah." I say quietly."Why do you have nightmares? Do you want to talk about them?" Willow asks. My heart swells hearing how much of a sweetheart she is."I do talk about them. But with daddy." I say, scared we'll get into a topic I don't want her hearing.

"Why don't you talk about them with me?" She asks."I know you're not going to want to hear this, but I can't tell you. You're still too little to know this stuff. It's big and scary and you wouldn't understand it." I explain."But Miss Brooks says I'm smart! I could understand." She replies."I know you're very smart, but you're too little to hear it." I say.

"Do you feel okay?" I ask her.She shrugs her little shoulders."Do you want to go to school today?" I ask. The one thing my daughter won't have to worry about is me forcing her to do anything she's not okay with doing on the hard days. I know what it's like.

"Yeah. I want to go!" She says, smiling. She jumps out of bed, crawling over me to get up. I don't know how she does it. I wish I could just brush off the nightmares the same way she does. But I guess that comes with time and tragedy. She hasn't known much more tragedy than scraping her knees or dropping a cup of water and the glass breaking.

I lay out some clothes for her and stand quietly at the door as she dresses herself as well as a 5 year old can, then I step in to fix any of her mistakes or things her little fingers aren't nimble enough to do. Then I put her hair into two braids and help her tie her shoes.

Once she's eaten breakfast, Peeta drops her off at the school and I stay home alone. "Are you sure you want to stay here?" Peeta asks unsurely."Yeah, I'm okay." I say.

When he and Willow leave, I sit down on the couch and flip through the channels. Sometimes the news has silly little reports on our lives and half the time, the stories are all fake. It's frustrating, but over the years, Peeta and I have learned to ignore it and let it go.

I position myself on the couch laying down and comfortable and wait for my husband to return.

--

The anxiety I've had for the past two weeks has finally peaked. I feel my hands shake as they carry the plastic bag that holds the 2 little boxes that hold the tests that will tell me if I'm pregnant again.

I decided to go get them while Peeta took Willow to school so he wouldn't see me. He left about 10 minutes ago, so he won't be home for another hour.

I hurry home, hoping nobody sees me or stops me. Once inside, I run to the upstairs bathroom and lock the door, as if anyone would even come up.

I sit down on the side of the tub, trying to calm myself down. We want this. You want this, Katniss. You want this. I repeat over and over. I take some deep breaths and then move over to the toilet, where I take one of the boxes out of the bag and open it carefully. I got two just to be sure of my result.

I take the white pregnancy test out of the box and hold it in my shaky hands. I read the instructions, and after repeating the same things over and over again a few more times, I carry them out.

I sit in the tub, which is still dry, and take my shirt off as I wait for the results. The box says it takes 3 minutes for the most accurate result, so for the three minutes I stare down at my stomach. I place a hand on it, wondering if there's life there or not. I notice a couple of stray stretch marks from when I was pregnant with Willow. I trace the scars, which have become much less noticeable, on my stomach.

After 3 minutes I get up and grab the test. I don't look at it. I cannot look at it. I sit down on the toilet and hold the trash can right in front of me in case I throw up before I dare look at the test.

It's okay. You want this, Katniss. You and Peeta want this. You're in recovery. It'll be okay! It'll be better. I say over and over. I remember Peeta and realize that he'll be home in around 20 minutes, give or take. I need to hurry up.

1...2...3... Open your eyes, Katniss. Look.

I open my eyes and lock them on the test. All I care about in the world right now is this result. When I see it, I immediately throw up in the trashcan. I manage to only throw up twice before I regain a bit of composure.

I'm pregnant. Again.

Shakily, I test standing up and when I decide I can, I walk downstairs with the bad of my vomit and the pregnancy test and put them in the big garbage can outside our house. This way, Peeta will never know until I tell him.

When he gets home, I don't tell him. I feel a little guilty, but I don't tell him. I need to make it good. I need to tell him in a special way. But I don't know how, yet, so it'll have to wait a bit.

Thank God he doesn't suspect a thing.

** Merry (late) Christmas and Happy (also late) Kwanzaa and Hanukkah to all of you who celebrate! :) I hope you guys had a great holidays!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter... Another Everlark baby! Hopefully, this time will be different for Katniss. But you never know what'll happen with these two.Thanks for reading!Xoxo, Aly***