Chapter 85

Katniss

"I wish I could do better by you, 'cause that's what you deserveYou sacrifice so much of your lifeIn order for this to work." -City and Colour

5 years later

"Mommy! Mommy!" Willow yells, her little footsteps nearing my room. Soft sunlight comes through the widow in Peeta and I's room. My entire body feels as if it's made of lead, impossible to move and like a weight is crushing down on me.

She rounds the corner and comes into the room, smiling widely. "Good morning, mommy!" She says happily. Peeta comes in behind her and repeats what she says."Good morning, mommy." He says, cracking a little smile.

Willow comes over to the side of the bed and looks to her father for a bit of help."Daddy?" She asks.He lifts her up onto the bed and she comes crawling over to me."Are you okay, mommy?" She asks, puzzled by my quiet response or lack thereof.

"Yeah, Will. I'm okay." I say quietly. She lays next to me, her back pressed against my chest. I put my arm around her little body and pull her closer."I love you, Willow." I say."I love you, mommy." She replies happily.

Peeta sits down on the bed."Willow, are you excited for your first day of school tomorrow?" He asks her.Her head pops up and she smiles. "Yes, daddy!" She says.

Tomorrow, our little girl starts her first day of school. It's only kindergarten, where she'll learn how to spell and how to sound out words and how to add 2+2, but it's a huge milestone for her.

Peeta and I learned quite early on that we passed a great deal of our own traits on to her. She's quiet and observant around most people, but when she speaks, she's a little charmer. She's stubborn as a bull, and we all know where that came from. Her dark brown hair curls a little bit at the ends, taking on the color from me and the slight curl from Peeta. But not everything we've passed on is good.

We learned a little bit after she was 6 months old that she has nightmares. Just like us. And it happens a lot. When we finally told her doctor after a few sleepless nights of trying to quiet her, she explained to us that it could have been expected considering the problems in my brain. Her doctor, Doctor Griffin, explained some long theory to us about what the doctors think happened. I hardly paid attention, though. I was too worried about how Willow was going to deal with it.

By now, we've figured out little ways to help her. But, just like us, they don't really go away and she just has to live with it.

"What do you want to do today, Willow?" I ask her."Hmm..." She thinks quietly."I want to paint with you, daddy. Something like you had painted before. With the trees and the flowers and the duck!" She says suddenly."Willow, you weren't supposed to say anything about that!" Peeta scolds lightly.

She turns her head to look at me and then returns her gaze to Peeta."Mommy?" She asks."Yeah?" "Did you hear any of that?" She asks guiltily.I decide to save her the guilt and trouble and I tell her no. She sighs and the gets up and out of the bed.

"Sorry, daddy." She says, hugging his leg."I forgive you, peanut." He says, calling her the little nickname he's called her ever since she was a baby."Hey, Willow? Why don't you go downstairs and see what Annie and Finn are doing?" I suggest. She nods and I listen intently as her footsteps fade away.

"So, what's this I hear about a painting?" I ask, sitting up and smirking a little."It's nothing." He says before winking."I'm sure." I reply sarcastically."I guess that'll teach me to not tell her any secrets anymore." Peeta says."You're right. She's such a bad liar, which is good. Then when we ask if she's been kissing any boys, we'll know if she's lying." I reply."Let's... Not talk about my little girl kissing any boys." Peeta says.

He comes over and sits on the bed. He places his hand on my arm and moves it up and down."I need to get up, don't I?" I ask.He nods."Yeah... Okay." I sigh, pulling myself up and out of the covers, off of the bed. I stand and grab clothes to put on and change, not caring that Peeta's still watching me.

"You're still beautiful." Peeta says, the same way he does every morning.I roll my eyes and he comes over and kisses me. "Love you." I say after."Love you, too." He replies.

We head downstairs where Annie and Finn sit at the table with Willow, eating breakfast."Hey, Finn!" I say, faking the enthusiasm just enough that it's believable. Sometimes the days are just harder than others.

"Hi, Aunt Katniss." He replies, his mouth full of toast.I grab a little bit of food and sit down across from him and his mother."Are you excited for your first day of school tomorrow?" I ask.Finn just shrugs. It's his 3rd year of school, if you don't count Kindergarten.

Finn has changed so much over 5 years, as can be expected. Every day, he seems more and more like his father. He knows about Finnick very well. We had to fess up to him about everything last year, when he finally got curious and Annie finally gave in.Thankfully, he was mature enough to understand that his mother and Peeta and I have lived through scary stuff and that he's too young to know about very much of it.

But with some help from Peeta and myself, Annie was able to explain that his father died fighting for what he believed in. And, while Annie meant that he died for the rebel cause, I know all too well that Finnick died for me. Just another debt I'll never be able to repay.

Finn's always cracking jokes and playing outside with his favorite soccer ball. Nobody really knows how to play, but he loves to kick it around.His eyes and hair look just like Finnick's, and for a moment, each time I see him I wish Finnick were here.

He finishes his plate along with Annie and I, and I walk into the study to see Peeta and Willow picking colors to paint with."Paint something pretty." I say to them.Willow turns around and holds up her fingers, covered in paint."We'll try." Peeta replies.

--

The next day, after we take photos of Willow and Finn before their first day, we walk them to school."Mommy? Daddy? Did you go to this school, too?" Willow asks on the way."Yeah. Mommy and Daddy only went until we were 16. We stopped coming after our 10th year." I explain, sparing the details as to why we did.

"How long do I go for?" She asks."You'll go for this year and then for 12 years." Peeta explains."That's a long time!" Willow says loudly."It'll be over before you know it." Annie says. She holds Finn's hands as he counts his footsteps aloud to her, showing how high he can count.

When we reach the school, Annie drops Finn off at the door, giving him a hug and a kiss before he runs off to join his friends inside. But since Willow is here for the very first time, we have to go in with her and make sure she gets settled in well.

She holds tightly to our hands as we walk in. When we reach her classroom, the teacher greets us with a smile. "Hi, friend!" She says happily, bending down to Willow.Willow smiles a little bit and waves almost inconspicuously. Sometimes I forget she's so shy around other people.

"What's your name?" The teacher asks.Willow doesn't reply, and Peeta takes it as a cue for him to step in."This is Willow. She's a little shy." He says.The teacher nods, understanding."Well, that's okay! You're going to have lots of fun in here, Willow. There's no need to be shy." She explains to her.

Peeta crouches down to Willow and hugs her tightly. He plants a kiss on her forehead. Then I squat down to her and give her a hug. I kiss her cheek, trying to refrain from crying.

"Come on in." The teacher says. Willow reluctantly lets go of our hands and walks inside slowly.

She disappears inside the classroom full of other kids, but the teacher stays at the door with us."Is she your first?" The teachers asks, acting like she doesn't already know.Peeta and I nod. She's quiet for a moment."The principal told me you two had some things to discuss with myself and him?" She says."Yes." I reply quietly.

--

Once in the room with the principal and the teacher, who we learned is Miss Brooks, we all fall silent. Nobody is sure how to begin.

"So..." The principal says."Um, we need to discuss some matters regarding Willow." Peeta starts."Yes, of course." The principal replies.

Peeta turns to me, gesturing for me to begin. I take a deep breath and try to make sure I look more confident than I really feel."Well, I'm not going to pretend you two don't know who we are. I'm also no going to pretend you don't know how big of a role we played in Panem's history." I say. I realize I'm sounding a little bitter and I try to soften up a bit.

"You know that Peeta and I have gone through the Games twice. You know that we started the rebellion. I led the revolution," I explain. "And I don't want my daughter to learn about that."

"Mrs. Mellark, we are aware of your past and we will do everything we can to respect your wishes, but I can assure you that Willow won't be learning about the games any time soon. She's 5 years old, and specifics of the rebellion and of the Hunger Games is strictly 6th grade material." The principal says.

"I know," I reply. "I just need you to make it known as Willow progresses through school that when they learn our names and faces and people of the rebellion and the Games, she's not a part of that. I don't want her to find out at school rather than from us. And I don't want her learning our roles in everything before she's ready."

"We understand and respect that, Mr. and Mrs. Mellark." The principal says. "She can learn about the Games and about the revolution whenever they start learning about that, but please make sure that our names are never mentioned during that. If they must talk about us, we want Willow to be out of the room. She's going to be mad, but this is best for her." I say.

The principal nods. I have a bad moment when dark thoughts creep into my head, making me think they hate me. I try to push it away, but it's not that easy. I numbly reach my hand, under the table, over to Peeta. He finds it almost instantly and the warmth of his hands is enough to melt my icy ones. He gives my hand a little squeeze. He just knows.

--

After the meeting, we walk through the little town. We look at all the new little shops that have been built recently. One of the things I enjoy about Twelve is how small it is. Everyone seems to know everyone in their general area. Because of that, Peeta and I can walk in peace. Everyone knows who we are, even regardless of 12's size, but they don't bother us here. Most of them were our neighbors before anyone knew who we are.

I know it's risky, especially in public and at least two miles from home, but there are just days you feel like talking. Talking about life now, talking about life before your world was flipped upside down, talking about whatever shit you've been through. And today is one of them.It could trigger me, I could go full out suicidal at any second, but words start to tumble out.

"I need to talk." I say out of the blue."You need to talk?" Peeta replies."Yeah." I say."About...what?" He asks."I don't know. I just need to talk about how I feel right now." I say.

It's something my doctors have continuously told me to do ever since I came home when I was 18. I never really started doing it until after I had Willow. Once she was here, I found that I needed to make myself as whole as possible for her, even if it meant sounding needy or cliché to Peeta. It turns out, he's okay with it. He doesn't think I'm being needy. Which is good, because I need the reassurance.

As I try to gather my thoughts, we turn to start walking home. "You can talk to me. You know that, right?" Peeta says after we've walked a mile and I haven't spoken a word.I nod, trying not to feel sick to my stomach."I just can't put it into words." I reply quietly.He puts his arm around me and pulls me closer to him."Well, when you can, I'm here to listen." He says.

I think back to five years ago, when I first noticed Peeta's nightmares and his flashbacks. And I think back to when I finally made him get help. I think back to when I dragged him to therapy because he was too embarrassed to go. I remember the night he had one so bad, he forgot who I was and proceeded to go unconscious. Three hours after he was admitted into the hospital, he finally woke up and came to. A two-year-old Willow climbed onto his chest and I held his hand and cried because I thought he would never wake up.

"No," I say. "Tell me about how you feel." He looks taken aback before he rolls his eyes."It's about you, too. Not just me." I remind him the same way I always do."I feel fine." Peeta says."You're such a liar, Peeta Mellark." I state."I'm being honest, Katniss Mellark." He says back.

I stare at him until he finally caves."Stop it! Fine! I'll tell you the truth." He says."Thank you." I say, satisfied.

He takes a deep breath."Now that Willow's going to school, we'll have more time to ourselves. And it scares me." He says."It scares you?" I ask."More time to ourselves means more time to think. And more time to think means more time for you to think and more times for you to be in danger. And that hasn't happened in 5 years." He admits.

He's right. Since that night I tried to explain to one-month-old Willow why I have nightmares, I haven't had a flashback. I'm in full recovery and I only have therapy once a month. "I don't want you to hurt yourself again." He says. I hear his voice shake."And I don't want Willow to see that. I don't want her to have to see her mommy screaming on the floor or trying to hurt herself. And I don't want her to come home from school to see that I'm there greeting her, not you, because you're in the hospital again." He says.

His words hurt a little bit and they feel a little accusing, but I let it go because I'm scared too.

"I wish we never went through this," I say. "I wish we were never were reaped. I wish none of that ever happened." "I wish I was the broken one. Just me. Not you. Not both of us." He says."That's not how it works, and I'm glad. We both know what it's like. So we can help each other better." I reply.

"I wish you never had to go through what you went through." He says.

We reach home then, and as I walk up the stairs, I reply, "Me too."

Later that night, after Willow's stories of her first day of school have all been told and she's been put to bed, Peeta and I lay on the sofa together watching the fire in the fireplace."I'm proud of you." He says."I'm proud of you, too." I reply, although I'm not sure what we're being proud of right now.

He's silent, so I have to ask."What do you mean you're proud of me? For what? I didn't do anything remarkable today." I ask."I'm not talking about today." He informs me."Okay... So...?"

"I'm proud of you," He says. "Because they put the weight of the world on your shoulders and you made it look like wings."

** Extra long chapter today to make up for a lack of writing. Good news is that Christmas Break starts on Wednesday!

A little over a year ago I started writing this fic with no expectations and no hope that it would turn out anywhere as good as it did! I started with this idea because I had always wanted to read a fic like it, but I couldn't find a good one on here. So I attempted to make one myself! I had no idea that a year later, it would have 21 THOUSAND reads! Thank you all so much! If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't still be doing this.

thank you all so much, and enjoy! Happy holidays!

xoxo, Aly**