Chapter 66

Katniss

"His body always kept mine inside it, kept the nightmares out." -Daughter

The world after whatever happened to me is fuzzy and newly foreign to me. I see three worried faces staring down at me, a woman, a girl, and a man. When my vision comes back into focus, I notice I'm on the floor.

I ask lots of questions, as I don't know where I am. Or who's staring down at me. The one woman tells me I've had a seizure. The man tells me to calm down.Who are these people?I ask for my family, but they are silent.

The man says that I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant? What? Then they call me Katniss. The name doesn't sound right. Is that really me? They tell me to calm down; that it'll all come back to me. So I stay quiet.

It begins to come back to me after a minute or two.My name is Katniss Everdeen. Wait, no. My name is Katniss Mellark. My home is district 12. I'm married to Peeta. I was in the games. I won. I went in again. Peeta escaped. I was left behind. I was tortured and hijacked. Prim is dead. Finnick is dead. My father is dead. I'm pregnant. Gale must hate me.

The thoughts of these things sting at me. I call out to Peeta. He's there almost instantaneously."You remember me?" He asks."Yeah." I say weakly.

The woman, Marina as I remember, says something about needing to get me to the hospital. I feel drawn-out, weak, and limp as Peeta lifts me off of the hard floor.

--

By the time I wake up from sleeping off my medication, they've gotten the brain scan done. We're just waiting for results.Sick to my stomach, I think about the baby growing in me. I could have killed it. It could be dead.

And it would be my fault.

I grip Peeta's hand as little details come back to me about life, the color of Finnick's eyes or the flowers in the meadow. The short engraving on Prim's stone. The smell of cheese buns baking. All were lost to me until now.

"What do you think happened?" I ask."I don't know." Peeta says. I can hear his words thickened with worry."What if the baby's... You know..." I ask."I don't know, Katniss." He says. I feel his heart breaking and I squeeze his hand.

"You know, just when I thought I wanted to be a mother... This happens. I thought I could do it. I thought the reward would be enough. But now that we could have lost it all..." I say."Katniss don't think like th--""And it would be all my fault. It'll be dead because of me." I add, cutting him off.

Just then, Doctor Aurelius and Doctor Wilson come through the door. Doctor Aurelius holds a cream colored folder full of a mess of papers."Hello." Both Doctors greet."Hi." I say back. This time, Peeta stays quiet. I guess I'll have to handle this.

Doctor Aurelius opens his folder and flips through the papers until he finds the right one. He puts in on top of the other ones so it's readable."Mrs. Mellark," He says, "Unfortunately, you did indeed have a Focal Seizure, as Marina said." I shut my eyes bracing for more news.

"We did your brain scan and put your results on the Priority List, so we have them now instead of having to wait days." Doctor Wilson explains."Thank you." I say.

"I'm sure you remember what the brain scans in District 13 said, right?" Doctor Aurelius asks, "Well, like they said, you've still got that damaged part of your brain. It's more under control. Your medicine is working, thankfully. Although we can't cure it, we can try to minimize it."

"Yeah, I remember." I say."Well, there was that, and then there was something else..." He says. I realize what he's going to say just as he says it."There are those little pockets of hijacking venom and serum still around in some places in your brain." Doctor Aurelius explains.

"So, that's what caused the seizure?" Peeta finally speaks up.Doctor Aurelius nods."Yes. We think so." He confesses.

Wonderful. Another thing on my plate to worry about."What about the baby?" I find myself asking."Well," Doctor Aurelius says unsurely, "We aren't sure. We need to check on it as soon as we can."I nod and feel even more sick to my stomach and dizzy. I pray nothing happened to the baby. Please. I would feel so guilty.

20 minutes later, they have me stand up. I feel fine, besides the fact that my baby could be dead. When I try my hand at walking, it goes pretty well."Katniss, can you feel anything off?" Peeta asks."With the baby? No. I don't feel anything, at least." I reply.With the doctors' approval, we walk down to a room where another doctor does ultrasounds.

I walk in with Peeta timidly as she stares at a computer. She looks up from the computer just long enough to notice we're there."Hello, Mr and Mrs Mellark. I've been anticipating your visit here." She says.When we don't reply with much, she continues.

"I'm here to make sure everything's alright with your little one. I understand you had a seizure... Are you aware of what type it was? Did they tell you?" She asks.I don't feel like talking about it, but I end up piping up. "Focal, I think." I say.She gives us a look that could mean bad news."Ah, well, any seizure could harm the baby. You see, it could put them in distress. And many times, fetal distress can cause a miscarriage." She informs us.I nod my head."But," She says sharply, "Many times babies can come out of it fine. It's not a death sentence, Mrs Mellark. Chances are, our little Mellark is just fine in there."

I nod again. "Thank you."She gives us a warm smile, her slight wrinkles creasing up. "Oh!" She exclaims, "How rude of me! I never introduced myself to you. Forgive me. Doctor Anne Lucia; it's a pleasure to meet you." "Well, Doctor Lucia, I'm sure you know us without needing introduced." Peeta says."Yes." She laughs.

Doctor Lucia takes my arm and leads me to the hospital bed next to the machine that will let me see my baby for the first time. And possibly the last time. I lie down and Peeta sits by the bed, holding my hand. Doctor Lucia explains what happens when she does whatever she's going to do.

"First, I put this gel on your stomach. Then I take this," she holds up the sensor-thing, "and when we move it around, we can see the baby. We can also hear its heartbeat. And then that's it! It's painless, don't worry." She says."Alright." I say quietly.She takes the stethoscope from around her neck and moves my hospital gown so she can put it over my heart.

"We just need to check on mommy, first." She says. The metal is cold on my bare skin. My heart pounds furiously as I worry about my baby."Your heart is definitely beating. Quite quickly, actually." She says, removing the stethoscope for her ears and putting it back around her neck."You're worried." She says intently.I nod."Rightfully so," She says, "But I want you to know that it's all going to be okay. Chances are your baby's fine. I need you to calm down before we do this. Take a deep breath."

I inhale and exhale deeply a few times. "You ready?" Doctor Lucia asks.I nod quickly.She pulls up my hospital gown so nothing covers my swollen belly.I tense up immediately at her touch. "It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you." She reminds me.

She puts a good amount of gel on my stomach before capping the plastic bottle and putting it away. The sudden chill of the stuff sends shivers up my spine. She spreads it out gently, as if I could be startled at any moment. Which, for the record, I could be.

She pulls the machine, which is connected to a screen visible to all of us, towards her. She flips a switch and I hear the hum of it starting up. "Okay." She says, pushing hair out of her face, "You'll see the baby up there." The screen turns on just as she presses the transducer to my stomach.

I squeeze my eyes shut and chant in my head, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, until I hear the sound of the screen. I open my eyes and stare at the screen. There it is. My little baby. I hold my breath as I listen for a heartbeat.

Instead of thumping, I hear only white noise; relative silence.The room goes silent."Oh my God!" I exclaim. There's no heartbeat. There's no heartbeat. "Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. There's no heartbeat. There's no heartbeat!" I say over and over again, freaking out.

"Oh, no." Peeta says quietly."Peeta! Peeta I killed it! This is all my fault. It's dead! It's dead, Peeta! This can't be happening!" I say, practically screaming out my sadness. Doctor Lucia clicks a couple of things on her computer."I'm so sorry. Mrs Mellark, I believe your seizure put your baby into fetal distress... And you miscarried." She says."No!" I scream, devastated, "No!"

Peeta's grip on my hand loosens as he stands up. He lifts his hand, gesturing to the screen."Wait. Wait!" He says."What?" Doctor Lucia says."Listen!" He says.But I can't stop crying. I gasp and sob."I hear it! I hear a heartbeat." Peeta says, relieved.

I hear Doctor Lucia say something similar, but nothing can register with me. My brain doesn't understand that it's all okay; that there is a heartbeat. I hear them talking about it all around me, but it doesn't hit me until Peeta grabs my hand and my attention."Hey, you can stop crying. The baby's alive. It's fine, okay?" He says."It's alive?" I ask timidly."Yes. Yes, it's alive. It's all well." Doctor Lucia says.

Tears slide down my cheeks this time, although they're happy ones this time. It's all fine. The baby's fine.

--

The Doctors come and go with information about my brain. Every so often, they come into my room and tell me new theories or new proposals on how to solve the problem. Really, the problem isn't the venom, it's what the venom can do to me. It's given me a seizure and nearly killed my baby once, and it could do it again at any moment.

Their visits are often short-lived and boring, and I usually zone out while Peeta listens.

After one particularly boring visit in which they discussed putting me on even more medicine, I finally ask the question that's been haunting me for days, if not weeks.What kind of a mother will I be?

I finally ask it out loud to Peeta. When I do, he looks up from his hands."What do you mean?" He asks."Will I even be a good mother?" I ask, "What makes a good mother?"

Peeta thinks for a moment."The biggest part of being a mother is making sacrifices." He says. "Making sacrifices." I say, mulling the words over.I realize that I won't be a good mother. I am selfish. I don't make sacrifices well.

"Peeta, I'm going to suck at this." I say."Why?" He asks."Because," I explain sadly, "I can't make sacrifices." "Hold on. Did you just say you can't make sacrifices?" He asks in disbelief.I give him a look. Yes, I did say that.

"You've got it so wrong." He says."No, I don't." I reply."Do you need me to go through some of the sacrifices you've made for this baby?" He asks.He takes my silence as a yes.

"You think you haven't made sacrifices? You have, and I've watched you time after time. You sacrificed your well-being for this little one. I know you weren't ready for this. I know you didn't want this. But you sacrificed your wants to give the baby a life. That's huge, love. And you're continuing to put the baby's needs over yours mostly. Sure, you slip up in that sometimes, but it's the hijacking." He explains.

"You can't control that," He says, "There is not one doubt in my mind that you've made huge sacrifices for this baby. You're going to be a great mother. You're already on your way now, and we're only 3 months in."

"What if my sacrifices aren't enough?" I ask.

**Hi! It's me, Aly. I know, I haven't talked to you all in ages. Comment and let me know how you're liking these past few chapters! And please be sure to vote and recommend this to other people if you like it!

You guys are so amazing. Love you all! I feel like I never talk to you guys and that you all know nothing about me except that sometimes I write sad fanfiction, so if you want to, we can talk in the comments. Ask whatever you want! I'll answer!

xoxo, Aly ❤️❤️**