Chapter 44 - I Wish That We Never Met

Tw: Violence, Homophobia, Drug Abuse, Mentions of Blood.

Stan's Pov:

My heart dropped as I heard Kyle scream out followed by a thud on the ground. I quickly looked back to scream but I was grabbed by two guys who were covering my mouth and Kyle was grabbed by two as well, and we were dragged into a nearby alley in between two quiet buildings. I tried struggling and punching, but they started punching me in my face and I couldn't save myself. Eventually they threw us on the ground by each other as we tried to catch our breath."What the fuck man! What do you want from us?" Kyle screamed out as I felt my nose bleeding."What are you two fags doing in my town." One of the four guys said as he towered above us.""What? We're best friends? Are you that fucking closeted?" I said knowing the real reason people are usually homophobes, but that didn't sit nicely with him, because he kicked me hard as fuck in the nose as I grabbed it wincing from the pain, but not wanting to scream so I didn't give them the satisfaction."You two motherfuckers ain't fooling nobody. You fucking homos can take your asses to Cali if you want to be buttfucking in my bar." He said as the others started laughing. "And what if we don't. What the fuck are you gonna do." Kyle said idiotically. I shot my head to him realizing he just fucked up horribly."I'll show you what we'll fucking do you little sissy!" The guy said before they all started punching us full force all over our bodies. Kyle somehow got up and started fighting back a bit, I forgot he was a boxer and probably had a way better chance of getting out of this than me, but he was quickly overtaken as one of the guys beating me up ran over to tackle him and they started beating his ass. "GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME. HELP! HELP!" Kyles screams were only muffled by punches to the mouth. "He wants us to get off of him ey? Fine then. D, C, grab him. A, come with me." The leader said.Oh fuck. I watched as Kyle tried to struggle out of the arms of the two guys who were holding him as two more walked over to me, pulling me up on my weak legs that could barely stand for themself. "DONT FUCKING HURT HIM." Kyle screamed out as the guys covered his mouth."I can't heaaarrr youuu." The leader said as they began punching me so hard that blood was flying from my body, from places that I didn't even know the origin. I tried to stay as quiet as possible as they punched my guts, except for the occasional involuntary wheeze that my lungs let out."Oh you think you're tough huh?" The guys partner said. I didn't say anything I just tried to catch my breath. They laughed and pushed me onto the concrete before getting on top of me and holding his fists up. He began punching me in the face as his friend held my arms down."Say you're a fucking faggot." The leader said. I tried to get out a word but he punched me in the face. "Say it." He said again."I'm a fucking faggot." I was met with another punch. "Louder.""I'm a fucking faggot." I said feeling disgusting with myself for being treated like this, even though I couldn't do anything if I tried. I was met with another punch to the face, and just wanted to kill this motherfucker right then and there. I heard Kyle crying watching the whole situation, and for a second, I felt nothing but pure anger, that someone could humiliate me, and harm the only person I loved. Just then, I knew what I had to do. For Kyle."I SAID LOUDER.""I'M A MOTHERFUCKING FAGGOT." I said screaming out as hard as I could."Damn right you are." The guy threw my head back onto the concrete and was helped up by his friend. "Get the fuck out of my town." He said as they began walking away.

I looked over at Kyle crying into his hands and trying to wipe the blood off his face. The guys were slowly walking away as I dug around in my pocket.. bingo. I pulled out the box cutter and pushed the lever up to reveal the blade. I jumped up with all my strength, feeling all the pain in my body at once weigh down on me."Stan.. What are you doing?" Kyle said quietly watching me began to pick up my pace, holding the blade out."STAN NO!"It was too late. The blade jabbed into the right front side of the guys neck as he screamed in horror. His friends screamed watching blood pour from his neck as I stabbed him once more, his blood getting all over my hand. He fell to the floor crying out as I took a step back watching him bleed and cry, feeling myself smiling seeing the bloody pool forming around his head. "STAN WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU FUCKING DO?!" I was quickly snapped out of my trance as I looked back at Kyle staring in horror at what I had just done. He screamed more seeing the guy bleeding out on the floor as I stood frozen, realizing that I had just made Kyle watch me murder someone."I.. I just.. Wanted to protect yo-""COME ON DUDE WE'RE SO FUCKING SCREWED." Kyle said as he began yanking my arm and running down the street.He had clearly sobered up while I was still extremely crossfaded (high and drunk), so crossed that I couldn't even emotionally comprehend how bad the situation really was. When we finally made it to the truck Kyle quickly turned on the engine and pulled out of the parking lot at an extremely fast speed.

If it weren't so isolated we probably would definitely got hit or hit someone. Kyle was panicking horribly as I heard his breath even over the loud music that was playing, as he sped through the forest going about 90 in a 60. Everything in me wanted to tell him to calm down and slow down, because driving at these speeds in a forest, especially drunk driving, would lead to nothing but disaster, but for some reason I couldn't. I couldn't talk, I couldn't move, I couldn't think straight. I just stared at my bloody hand and bloody blade, and replayed the moment of me stabbing the guy over and over in my head, enjoying the sound of his screams, enjoying me having all the power at that moment."STAN? STAN?!" I came back to reality realizing Kyle had probably been calling my name for a while now. "Yes?" I said quietly still just staring at my hand."WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO? WE'RE FUCKING DONE FOR. WE'RE SO FUCKING DONE FOR." Kyle said as he cried while swerving on the turns. I didn't say anything. I couldn't. I just stayed quiet as Kyle kept repeating what are we going to do like some insane person. I couldn't feel anything. I remembered how long it'd been since I'd taken my meds, and I was always warned without them that I'd be unpredictable and dangerous because of how bad my illnesses were. I smiled a bit, thinking of how right they all were, how everyone I doubted im my life who had something to say about me was right;

I was "manipulative". I was "destructive". I was "unpredictable". I was "bipolar". I was "an addict". I was "a threat to my own body". I had "anger issues". I could "never be on my own". I had "no future". I'd "fuck up my life because of my own stubbornness, and die before I even got to experience the world".

They were all right.

When I stopped being in my thought I realized I was in the bathroom sink, washing off my hand and blade, and suddenly all the feelings that weren't there before, suddenly came rushing into my body full force. I began hysterically crying as the blood poured down the sink, knowing that I could never go back to my old life. I had ruined myself.

I looked up in the mirror, at how fucked up my face was from all the beating I had taken, just to protect Kyle. I felt nothing but anger. Anger at how feelings I couldn't control could be used against me in such a way just because I wasn't the same sexual orientation. Anger at how I always let my emotions get the best of me. Anger at how one guy could cause me to ruin everything about myself, just to save him. Like always, all the anger went into my fists. I threw the blade into the tub, scared I might black out again and do something regrettable. But then, I couldn't take the rage anymore. My fists flew straight into the mirror where I looked back on my face. They didn't stop flying as I stared at myself while the glass shattered and shattered. "Stan what the fuc- STAN?" I heard Kyle say as I continued punching not being able to stop myself. I felt him yank me out of the bathroom, but the rage didn't stop."Stan please stop!" Kyle screamed, but I hit him. I hit him in the face to get him off of me. The glass buried in my knuckles scratching his face. He gasped and stumbled back at what I had just done. I didn't even notice what I did, I was so caught up in my own anger that I began taking it out on everything I saw. I threw glass lamps, and broke apart chairs, slamming each piece onto the floor repeatedly until it was unrecognizable."STAN STOP YOU'RE FUCKING SCARING ME." Kyle screamed as he sat against the wall crying."YOU'RE FUCKING SCARED? SO AM I. YOU DONT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THE HELL I HAVE TO LIVE IN EVERY SINGLE FUCKING DAY FROM JUST BEING IN MY OWN MIND. I CANT EVEN ESCAPE IT, AND YOU DONT FUCKING GET IT. YOU NEVER HAVE AND YOU NEVER. FUCKING. WILL." I said as I broke the last chair apart in three slams to the ground only. After I realized the damage I had done, I collapsed to the floor crying as mine and Kyles cries filled up the room. He would usually come and comfort me, but I realized this time, he really was scared. He was too scared to even get close to me. It hit me like a fucking train in the gut. "Kyle.. Kyle I'm sorry." I said trying to crawl over to him."GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME." Kyle said screaming at me and backing away. "You're fucking crazy.. you're actually fucking crazy." He said quietly while holding himself in fetal position. At that moment I realized I was a monster. I realized that the damage I had done was way more than just property damage, Kyle thought I was insane. So many emotions flooded my mind and body at once, I was so overwhelmed with everything that was happening, and I couldn't cope with it. So I ran. I ran to the bedroom and locked myself in it. I heard Kyle screaming my name as I ran to the closet and threw out the bag of drugs onto the middle of the floor. He tried opening the door as I pulled out the bottle of alcohol and the pills I had left over. I quickly ran over to a nearby counter and began punching the pills with the bottom of my fist until they turned into a powder fine enough for me to snort as Kyle continued screaming for me and trying to kick in the door. I stuffed my nose into the powder and snorting as much as I could, I yelled as it burned the insides of my nose so badly that I couldn't even finish snorting them. I fell to against the side of the counter and reached for my bottle, trying to chug as much as I could while crying, before Kyle finally kicked the door in and ran over to me. He knocked the bottle out of my hand, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU STAN?!" he said screaming at me while I cried on the floor."I dont wanna.. I don't wanna fucking live Kyle. I fucking hate feeling like this every single waking moment. I hate that I can't control myself." I said crying out as the blood poured from my hands onto my face because I was trying to hide myself. Kyle went quiet for a moment, like he was trying to figure out what to say but couldn't. I kept crying and crying like I never had before as every single emotion filled my brain. "Stan.." Kyle said as he sat down beside me, eventually pulling me into his arms and laying my head in his lap."I'm just like my dad.. I'm just like my fucking dad." I kept repeated as Kyle ran his fingers through my hair, I felt his tears falling onto my face while he shook from all the stress he was under."I'm so sorry Stan.. I love you so much.. I can't imagine what you're going through." Kyle said quietly while looking up at the ceiling, not even being able to look me in the eye. Suddenly, something triggered in my brain, some deep rooted homophobia I had somehow gained from the stupid ass whooping I acquired, because all of a sudden, I felt nothing but anger for Kyle and how he was taking care of me. How he was running his fingers through my hair, and telling me that he loved me, it all made me so sick. I threw his hands off of me and got up from his lap, I saw him looking at me with disbelief as I stood up by the counter. "Stan. No." Kyle said trying to pull me down away from the leftover powder that was on the counter. I pushed him off of me and nearly knocked him to the ground."If you fucking stop me, I'm going to end up hurting you. Leave me the fuck alone Kyle." I said giving him a death glare, as he silently cried looking up at me. He didn't say anything, he just looked at the floor and stayed quiet while I searched for my wallet. After getting my card and a bill out, I snorted what was left, licking up the rest of the residue. Once it kicked in, everything I had felt was gone. All the anger and regret and sadness I felt didn't bother me anymore. I started laughing quietly a bit as I enjoyed the euphoria that the drugs brought once again, Stumbling over to the duffel bag to zip it up. When I looked back at Kyle, who was still standing by the counter, I noticed he was crying. "Kyle.. Whats wrong?" I said slurring my words and stumbling to him. Kyle shook his head and avoided eye contact with me. The alcohol and pills made me feel attracted to him again, as I threw my body into his and wrapped my hands around his waist. "I'm sorry for everything. I love you s-soo much." I said as I kissed his neck. I felt him shaking and crying but I didn't stop. He eventually wrapped his arms around me too and let me kiss him. I licked the tears from his face and smiled at him as he continued crying. In my drunken state I didn't understand that he hadn't gotten over what had just happened yet, even though I did because of all the drugs."Can we just.. please go to bed." Kyle said sniffing and trying to wipe his face. I nodded and smiled, stumbling over to the bed avoiding everything that had been scattered across the floor.

Kyles Pov:

I felt nothing but sadness. I was so fucking weak. I couldn't stand up for myself and tell Stan how I really felt, because as soon as I felt his kisses again, it was like it was the only thing that mattered. Even as I felt my body shaking from the amount of anxiety and fear Stan had made me feel, I still kissed him back, just longing for something that could make me feel anything but negative emotions towards him. After we got into bed, Stan didn't stop kissing me. I felt myself getting lost in his lips while I still cried, since it was dark I felt I had more opportunity to do so without him getting sad or offended. He had just pushed me away when he wasn't as high as he was now, like my affection didn't even matter to him, but as soon as he got more drugs in his system, he acted like nothing had ever happened between us, like he was so in love with me. It confused me so much that I couldn't help but feel anything but frustration. Of course, my need for attention and love overpowered those feelings, because quickly Stan started fooling around, and I didn't have the guts to man up and admit to myself that I shouldn't have let him do anything with me after what he just had did. I just let him, I let him have that power over me, just to feel something. Just to feel like I was truly loved, and that it all wasn't just some false hope caused by his impaired brain that made him think he did, when in reality he didn't. After we were done, we eventually fell asleep, him holding me in his arms as tight as he always used to do. I cried. I cried all night until the sun rose. Wishing it didn't have to be like this. Wishing Stan wasn't so fucked up. Wishing his inner demons weren't so deafening. Wishing we were just innocent kids again, who never had to deal with this amount of pain. I wish that we never met.