Chapter 45 - I Love You

Tw: EXTREME SELF HARM TW, Heavy Mentions of Blood, Drug abuse, Violence.

Kyle Pov:

The next few days were as close to hell as you could get. I realized I had hundreds of texts from everyone I had ever talked to asking where me and Stan had been. My mom, Wendy, old friends who didn't even care about me, Stan's old friends, blah blah blah. I deleted all their messages, not feeling like explaining myself to anyone. Stan stayed glued to the news channel, continuously drinking as he watched all the news channels in the area were talking about a new death caused by stabbing. I couldn't even comprehend how this was happening. I couldn't let myself accept the fact that Stan was literally a serial murderer. I don't even think he really felt guilt either, besides for his own self pity. It made me feel scared, like he wasn't himself anymore. Or maybe, it was just a part of him that I had always ignored, to keep the perfect image I had of him in my head safe. Regardless, I couldn't help myself from obsessing over the thoughts of Stan being taken away from me, being locked away for ever, and me probably having to testify against him in court or something, having to watch my best friends life be stripped away from him. I noticed Stan was spiraling out of control. His drug and alcohol use age began getting concerning, but every time I tried to tell him anything about it he'd go off on me.

"You're acting like your fucking dad." I told him as I watched him crush up another pill on the counter and line it up. "Shut the fuck up Kyle. You don't understand dude." He snapped back."I understand that you aren't doing anything but fucking up your body. What are you even gaining from this bro?" I said getting close to him as he avoided eye contact."Will to live." He said coldly, looking me in the eyes as silence filled the room, before leaning over and snorting the lines off the counter.He grabbed his bottle and his gun and walked out into the forest like he did everyday when he was pissed off, he hunted until the sun came down, usually returning crossfaded and in a way better mood.

The only time Stan ever loved me anymore was when he was high. He'd avoid me and my attempts at affection all day, but as soon as he had drugs in his system he acted like I was the most important thing to him in the world. It was so confusing and frustrating not being able to decipher his emotions. I was so overwhelmed with my confused state of mind that I found myself indulging in self destructive habits as well. When me and Stan would fight, I'd lock myself in the bathroom with any sharp object I could find, and by the time I realized what I was doing, I'd be bleeding from whatever part of my body I decided to choose that day. When Stan would get drunk and see them he'd cry, and tell me how sorry he was. He'd kiss my scars or lick them, and it would eventually turn into more as predicted, and I couldn't help but feel loved, just for a second. But of course, when he was sober, if he even was anymore, he'd just act like nothing was wrong. Eventually, I stopped being able to eat, every time I did I'd end up throwing up because of just how sick I felt thinking about everything. I'd find myself smoking the weed that Stan once hid from me just to help myself gain an appetite , which Stan would usually join in on. It was the only time me and him really felt normal again, in terms of something that we did normally before everything went to shit. We'd just sit on the dock and let the high calm us, usually watching the sunset together, sometimes even making out, before of course Stan ended up pushing me away. I never got it. I didn't understand why Stan would pull me in, then push me away. I knew he wanted me, but he was trying to convince himself he didn't. I couldn't understand him, I felt so helpless. Like I was trapped in a toxic cycle of trying to protect his emotions by letting him treat me however he wanted, while destroying my own mental health. But I couldn't just leave. I always had taken care of Stan, and no matter what he did, or how much I wanted to just walk out and never see him again, everything in my body and heart never let me. I just sat beside him, watching him drink and do drugs all day, getting pushed away by him, locking myself in the bathroom, coming out to him drunk and loving, going to sleep, repeating the cycle. It lasted about a week, until we found out the thing that would ruin us forever.

Stan's Pov:

I stared at the TV in disbelief and horror, realizing that me and Kyle's faces were being broadcasted to a whole state.

"After days of two Colorado residents who went missing being searched for by family and friends, police think they finally have a clue as to where Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski, students at the infamous South Park High, may be, and why they ran away."

I looked at Kyle, as a picture of me and him flashed on the TV as the reporters continued talking. I felt myself sober up as my heart began beating out of my chest, Kyle's face was pale and he looked about ready to puke.

"After the mysterious murder of Scott Finely, a resident of the small town of Welches Oregon, and the recent disappearance of two Colorado teens who were recently involved in a different police investigation, we have means to believe that after reviewing the surveillance of a nearby building, these two teens might've been involved with the murder of Mr. Finely."

As the police chief continued talking I felt the whole world getting louder. I felt like I had a million thoughts in my head, I couldn't make sense of what I was hearing. I couldn't accept that we were caught. They know it's us. They actually know its fucking us.

"As seen in this photo, Mr. Marsh's car was found in a nearby town close to Fairplay, suggesting that there was already an escape attempt. Mr. Broflovski's truck, however, was not found anywhere in the town. And after reviewing the video, it has been determined that the same truck missing was the get-away truck seen in the video. As of now, a search for the two boys is being conducted in the state of Oregon. If you have any information about their whereabouts please contac-"

I jumped up. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Stan, stop. It's okay. We'll be fine." Kyle said as he began following me around the houseI didn't listen. I couldn't. I made my way into the bedroom once again, scrambling to find the duffel bag like I always did. "No Stan. You're not getting fucking high." Kyle said grabbing me by my sleeve. "Get the fuck off of me Kyle." I said pushing him off of me, before he tried yanking me back again."No Stan! I'm not letting you fucking ruin yourself anymore! Just fucking stop!" He said screaming at me as I tried pulling away from him but he didn't budge."LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE DUDE." I said as I punched him with the back of my fist in the face, which made him let go grabbing his nose as he groaned in pain. I fell down and dug through the bag, pulling out some pills before throwing it back into the bag. I threw the pills on the counter and started banging the TV remote onto them to crush them, as I felt Kyle begin trying to yank me back again. I turned around and pushed him into the bed frame, making him yelp out in pain as I quickly grabbed the card that was already on the counter from the last time."You're have a fucking problem Stan! You're going to get yourself killed!" Kyle said as I snorted them as fast as I could, kicking him away every time he'd try to get close. "Oh yeah? Maybe I fucking want to!" I said looking back at him with nothing but anger.He eventually somehow came up beside me and swiped the rest off the counter, which caused me to feel an anger that was so strong I lost control. I turned around and punched him in the face, before he eventually punched me back, leading to us getting into a horrible fight. I tackled him to the ground as we continued punching each other as hard as we could. "WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM STAN?" He said as he held me in a chokehold."Y-YOU. YOU FUCKING BASTARD." I screamed as I elbowed him in his stomach, causing him to wheeze as I kicked him away from me. He got up and tried to attacked me but I kicked him in his knee, causing him to fall face first onto the floor. He laid there for a second saying nothing, as I heard him quietly sniffling as his body convulsed from his silent crying. I knew I went way too far, but I had pure rage in my body and and mind. I reached my hands out and grabbed him by his shirt collar, dragging him towards me. I pulled him up onto my legs and grabbed his hand, licking the residue that he had on it while he cried."Why don't you fucking love me." He said silently as his cries got more violent.I sat there staring at him. "Shut the fuck up dude." I said pushing him off of me."Why Stan? Why can't you just fucking love me?" He said trying to crawl back to me as I kept pushing him down away from me. I stayed quiet, as my own tears began to form, even though my body felt numb. The drugs couldn't even save me from my real emotions this time. I knew I ruined Kyle, but I couldn't let myself get close to him. I knew my feelings for him were the reason for all this in the first place. "Please Stan.. I love you." Kyle said crying holding my hand as he laid on the floor. I closed my eyes as my head laid back on the wall, trying to drown out any emotion I had for him as tears streamed down my face. Until, I felt his lips on mine. He was sitting beside me, turning my head to his, kissing me. For a while, I couldn't stop myself. The sweet taste of his lips made me want for more. I tasted the tears on his face as we continued, my hand rested on his cheek pulling his face closer as I felt his body shake. No. It's wrong.I pushed Kyle's face away with full force as he stumbled back."Why Stan. Why don't you want me anymore." He said quietly as he stared at me with pure sadness in his eyes.I stayed quiet, looking at him, looking at how beautiful he was, at his puffy eyes and his red cheeks and his rosy lips. He was perfect. He was everything I wanted...

But I knew I could never be with him. No matter what I did. No matter how much I wanted to, there'd always be that one factor that would keep us apart. I was a killer. He was too good for me. He was a guy. I was a guy. We'd never truly be accepted by the world, and I couldn't live with that, no matter how much I loved him.

"I wish you were a girl."

With that sentence, I felt myself let out a small laugh as another tear felt, but apon looking up at Kyles face, any joke I might've thought was funny in that moment wasn't anymore.

As I looked into Kyles eyes, it was like I was watching him break apart inside. His heart, his brain, himself. He stared at me speechless, not being able to get out any words at all. The tears streamed down his face like a broken faucet, as his glossy eyes closed, and his red face turned pink. I knew I had ruined us forever.

Kyle said nothing, as he slowly began getting up and walking over to the duffel bag, he pulled out my bottle of pills. By this time, I was too high to move. I felt myself beginning to ask what he was doing, until I saw him open it, and drop a few into his hand. He closed the bottle and threw it across the room, making his way to the infamous counter, where he began beating the pills with the same remote I had used. I watched him, as he silently cried lining up the pills, feeling myself crack a smile as I noticed how precise he was being with arranging the lines. Finally, after staring at them a while, he bent down and snorted them. I found myself impressed that he snorted them all, and even found myself letting out a laugh as I watched him step back to snort what was left in his nose. He didn't look at me once, he just stood there, then slowly walked out, until he reached the bathroom and locked the door.

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Kyle's Pov:

As I sat on the bathroom floor once again, my arms bleeding out like Stan's used to do as I held him, wrapping up his wounds, I couldn't help but laugh to myself. Laugh at myself for being such a fool. Laugh at myself for thinking that I could ever truly be loved. I heard thunder booming through the house as rain banged against the window. The red lines quickly filled up the canvas that was my forearm, as I mindlessly dug the glass shard into myself, it almost looked like the raindrops that slowly made their way down the window pain. My whole body was numb. I kept marking up myself as if I was some kind of abstract artist, admiring the work I had done with every wound. My clothes and skin was covered in my own blood as I put my head against the wall and enjoyed the pulsating feeling I felt washing through my body. It was beautiful. I felt free. I felt like I finally had control over my body. The body I had so carelessly given away to someone who never deserved it.

I began getting up, stumbling as my mind was confused on how to function with the narcotics in my system. I found myself looking in the mirror at myself, at who I had become, at who I was, and I hated it. I obsessed over all my masculine features, the slight chin hair I had, the Adam's apple that was very prominent, they all made me disgusted. I stumbled over to the bath tub and grabbed the razor I had brought alone, shaving my face, my arms, and my legs as best as I could, wincing every time I'd accidentally bring it over one of the cuts I had previously given myself. As the bleeding started up again, I put my lips into it as it ran down my arms, which turned them red as if I had lipstick. I began applying a thin layer to my cheeks as well to make it look like I had blush. I looked at my shirt and how baggy it was, and began ripping it, ripping it just enough to where it showed my stomach as if I was wearing a crop top of some sorts. I looked back and admired myself in the mirror, and how much more feminine I looked. Stan would love me now. He'd love how much I looked like a girl.

I walked out of the bathroom, staring at Stan who was still on the floor, as he looked up at me with a confused/horrified face.

"K... Kyle.. What the f.. What did you do?" He said as his voice got increasingly concerned and louder while I walked closer to him.

"I made myself pretty. For you." I said smiling as I kept approaching him. I felt like the whole world was leaning side to side as I struggled to walk straight. I fell down beside him and tried to wrap my arms around him as he struggled out of my grip."What the fuck did you do to yourself. Oh my god Kyle." He said as he covered his mouth looking at my body. I didn't care, I just wanted him to love me.

"Please Stan. I did this.. for you." I said slurring as I looked at him in the eyes. "Please. I'll be a girl. I'll do anything for you.. Just tell me that you love me. I just want you to love me."

Stan's Pov:

I looked at Kyle feeling nothing but disgust and anguish realizing what I had caused. He was bleeding from everywhere, as he climbed on me his blood began spilling on me and I felt myself getting sick. This is all my fault. I'm a fucking monster.

I couldn't do it anymore.

It was like my life was reflecting in my mind all at once. I was the cause of almost everything horrible in my life. In everyones life. My sisters. My moms. My dads. Kenny's. Wendy's. Kyle's.

I was an outlier.

I didn't deserve to live.

I jumped up out of Kyle's arms, making sure my box cutter was in my pocket sleeve as I searched around in my backpack blindly. I felt it. I grabbed the gun and stuffed it as I heard Kyle repeatedly yelling my name. I rushed out the door as fast as I could, slamming it behind me and throwing a table in front of it to slow down Kyle.

As I ran deeper into the forest I hard Kyle screaming my name at the top of his lungs. I tried to stay quiet but my heavy loud breathing was a dead giveaway. He was catching up.

"STAN PLEASE JUST STOP. I'M SORRY." Kyle screamed as I heard him getting closer.

I didn't say anything, I just kept running and running. As I continued I noticed I could see the mountain clearly in the distance, I decided that I would try to outrun Kyle and end my life on the mountain. But just like every single fucking thing in my life, everything went to shit.

As I found a clearing in the forest that showed me that the mountain was extremely close now, I was so caught up in its view that I tripped over a giant fallen tree due to mud, injuring my leg as my gun flew out of my hand and I grasped my leg yelling in pain. Kyle eventually made it to me, but instead of trying to help me, he started looking for the gun."NO KYLE, STOP. LET ME FUCKING DIE." I screamed at him as I threw myself up and limped towards him. He finally found it and began trying to throw it far enough to where we could never find it, but I quickly grabbed his arm and began wrestling him for the gun."STAN STOP, IT'S NOT FUCKING WORTH IT. PLEASE DUDE. JUST PLEASE STOP." Kyle screamed at me as I kept grasping for the gun."JUST LET ME FUCKING DIE." I screamed as he tried to hold the gun against his stomach, but I kept fighting for it. Until..

*POP*

I jumped up, my eyes wide open, my ears ringing. I stumbled backwards off of Kyle, grabbing my stomach. As my ears kept ringing I laid on the forest floor, staring up at the trees, the rain pouring down into my eyes."W-What?" I found myself mumbling under my breath. I took my hand off of my stomach, and examined it. But as I looked, there was no blood. I touched all over my stomach, confused at why there was no blood. I had felt the jab in my stomach, I heard the shot go off, I felt the ringing in my ears.. but no blood. As my ears settled down, I slowly looked over, and saw the bottom of Kyle's feet positioned towards me.

"...Kyle?" I said quietly, I started pulling myself over to him. The rain covered the front half of his body as the thunder boomed right above us.

"Kyle. Are you.. Oh my god." My heart dropped as I examined his body, his shirt was even bloodier now.

"No. Please no." I said as I looked down at his stomach, and saw a wound that was pouring blood. I began to panic. "No no no no no.. please no Kyle." I said as I pulled the box cutter out of my jacket and stuffed it into my pocket, using my jacket as a tourniquet and pressing it against Kyle's wound. Kyle struggled to speak as he cried out now that the pain was hitting him.

"Stan.. I'm gonna die." Kyle kept repeating as I held him with the applied pressure.

"No you aren't Kyle. You aren't gonna fucking die. I'm so fucking sorry. Please hold on." I said as I began crying, but trying to stay calm for him, grabbing his phone out of his pocket and frantically dialing 911.

"911 whats your emergency?""Please come quick my friend is fucking bleeding out!" I said screaming a bit more panicked now as Kyle cried in the background."Okay sir calm down. What's the address.""There is no fucking address we're in the fucking forest!" I screamed in frustration. I heard Kyle's pain getting worse as he grabbed my hand. I kept whispering to him that it would be okay.Me and the operator argued for a minute until she finally understood where I was, but since there were no cops able to get to the area they'd have to send a helicopter to find us.

I threw down the phone in anger as I cried for my best friend, knowing it'd be nearly impossible to find us under all these trees. Until I remembered the clearing in the forest."Kyle, I need you to trust me. Hold onto my back, I'm taking to where they'll see you." I said anxiously as he weakly picked up his arms. Once he grabbed on I pulled him a bit over my shoulder, as he cried again from the pain. I knew it hurt but I couldn't leave him there. I ran as fast as I could limping through the forest, almost falling again from the pain on my injured leg, but never stopped because I knew his life was in my hands. When we finally made I slowly let him down into the grass. I quickly dropped down beside him and put his body laying over my lap, putting the jacket back on the wound as I cried begging for him to hold on.

"Stan.. I can't feel my legs. I can't feel my fucking legs." Kyle said as he started hyperventilating from stress and fear."I know Ky I know, it's gonna be okay. It's all gonna be over soon, they're coming to get you. They'll take you to the hospital and you'll be fixed. It'll all be okay. Just hang on Ky. Plea-" I choked up on my tears as I looked into his eyes. He was looking to me for the answers to everything. It hurt knowing I couldn't give them to him. Anything I said to him didn't matter. He didn't trust me, and I didn't trust myself. I just held onto him, running my fingers through his hair and wiping his tears. The rain poured on his face, washing away the blood that had bleed on it earlier, and the dried blood the was on his body. I wiped his face, and the tears flared up again remembering what his pretty face looked like truly again. His true beauty that I shunned because of my own insecurities. I put the hand that was once in his hair on his cheek as his body shook. "I'm so sorry Kyle. I ruined everything."

Kyle's Pov:

As I laid there bleeding out, I knew I was gonna die. I knew it wouldn't be okay. I knew this was how my life was meant to end, but still, I hung on, for Stan's sake. I pretended like I was scared to die, and like I needed him to comfort me. In reality, I wasn't. Of course, my body was in overdrive because it knew it was dying, but deep down in my mind, I was at peace, a peace that I didn't know existed, until I started getting dizzy, and the pain went away. As the lightheaded feeling washed over me, I knew it was happening. I looked up at Stan, who was looking down at me trying to catch his breath from crying, and I smiled. I struggled to put my hand on his hand that was touching my cheek, as he began shaking his head no, like he already knew what I meant by that.

"No Kyle. No. Stop." He kept repeating as I smiled at him with tears coming out my eyes."It's okay Stan. It's gonna be okay. I promise." I said as I used my other arm to touch his face. The thunder booked around us as lightning filled the sky."Kyle. I can't fucking lose you. You're the only thing that matters to me. Please... just hang on dude. I'm so sorry.. I ruined everything." He said as his crying became worse, his body shaking as he pulled my closer to him."I know Stan. It's not your fault. It's okay." "Please Kyle, you don't understand. I can't fucking live without you. Please just fucking listen to me!" He said now screaming at me, but I just continued staring at him with a smile, which was making his panicking increase."Don't cry Stan. I'll.. I'll meet you again one day. We'll be together again." I said before coughing, whichblood flying from my mouth, which caused Stan to began freaking out even worse."Oh my fucking god. No. No no. Please no." Stan said as he tried to wipe the blood away from my mouth. "Please Kyle, I can't fucking do it without you." He said as his hands violently shook, wiping and wiping as if it would fix the damage already done. I felt pity for him. I knew this was the end. That'd we'd never see each other again. I knew without closure he'd never be able to live with himself. I wanted to be there for him, hold him as he cried, tell him everything would be okay and mean it.. But I knew soon, I'd be gone. He'd have no one. "Stan. I'm here. I'll always be here." I said as my eyes began getting heavy, causing them to close slightly. I heard Stan keep repeating no, as I let the euphoria wash over my body. My mind replayed every moment I lived, and finally, I realized that nothing mattered. Every mistake I made, every embarrassing moment, every lie I've told, every time I said something I didn't mean, hurt someone, hurt myself, it didn't matter anymore, it never did. Then, I thought of Stan. Every single memory we had together flashed in my brain, all the good times, the bad times, the times where it was just us in love, the times where it was us against the world. I felt myself smiling reaching out to Stan's face as I felt my body shutting down."I love you so much Stan...Don't ever forget that." I managed to whisper out. As the world faded out, a got one last glimpse of Stan kissing me, and pulling me into a hug. I couldn't hear, I couldn't speak, I could just feel. Until I couldn't anymore. I finally reached pure happiness. I finally got to die how I always wanted to. By his side.

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Stan's Pov:

I watched Kyle's eyes roll back as I gasped."No. No. Please. I love you. I love you so fucking much." I whispered to Kyle as I held him in my arms. I felt his breathing come to a stop, and the Earth as I knew it no longer spun. The world no longer had any sound. Life no longer hand meaning. I had, truly, lost everything. As the realization hit me, that I had just killed my best friend, I screamed out in pain, as my heart shattered into a million pieces. Nothing mattered anymore. No one mattered anymore.

I found myself searching around desperately for the gun with my eyes, not wanting to let go of Kyle, until I realized that I had left it in the forest. I wanted to die, but I didn't want to leave him. I'd never leave his side again. I'd never let go of him. I wanted to make sure I died with him, like he did with me. I searched around in my left pocket for any left over pills, nothing. I held Kyle up with my arm and searched around in my right pocket, until I felt it.

I pulled out the box cutter, the blade that had been with me through all my worst moments. It's not like I deserved to die easy anyways, after everything I did, it was the punishment I deserved. I pushed up the lever, as the blade began getting wet from the rain above. I examined it, wondering what death felt like, what would happen to me when I did it. Then I realized, I didn't get that privilege. When I killed all the people I did, none of them got to ponder what their death would be like, or feel like, or say their goodbyes. They just died. I took another look at Kyle, who looked like he was just peacefully sleeping. I felt the tears coming again, as I ran my fingers through his hair, and against his soft cold skin. He was perfect, even after death. He made it seem so easy. He made everything seem so easy. He made love so easy. I wish I could spend the rest of my life with him, but I ruined it.

I held the blade against my arm, I always joked with my old friends who also cut themselves that going "down the river" would do the trick, but it just felt kind of ironic that I would be the first one to prove it. I leaned down once more and kissed Kyle on the forehead.

"I love you Kyle." I choked up on my own words, stroking his face with my fingers yet again, not being able to fully let go.

"I promise It'll be different next time. I promise I'll be better when I see you again. I'll never hurt you again."

I closed my eyes as I cut as hard and deep into my arm as possible. I involuntarily began screaming out from the horrible pain that shot through my arm. But I didn't stop. No matter how much I screamed, I knew it needed to be done. The tissue it burrowed through split and spit blood at my face and onto my body, I wanted to close my eyes, but I couldn't, I screamed as I grabbed my wrist, trying to calm myself down as my clothes became dark red. Once I was done, I threw the blade as far away as I could, as I looked down at my arm basically split in half, spurting out blood. I immediately fell over as the pain became too overbearing. I pulled myself out from underneath Kyle as my limbs became weak from the loss of blood. I knew my time was running out, I moved my body over to the side of his, and put my bleeding arm over his body as I held onto him crying, begging for the god I didn't even believe in to help me. I tried calming myself down for my last moments, trying to focus on my breathing as I held on to Kyle with all my strengh. I felt myself begin to quietly start singing the same song that me and Kyle danced to at that bar, I know its over, one of my favorite songs and moments with him."Oh mother.. I can feel.. The soil falling over my head." I sung shakily as my blood poured out onto Kyle's chest. It was crazy how the song described myself right now. I wondered if my mom was watching me from where ever she was. Or my sister. I wondered what they'd think of me. I dug my head into Kyle's shoulder as my voice began getting quieter and the pulsing in my arm calmed down. I was slipping away, and I was ready for it. Im so ready to see him again.

I love you Kyle.

I love you more than I've ever loved anyone.

I'm sorry I ruined you.

I'll never let anyone hurt you again.

I love you so much.

I love you Kyle.

I love you.

I love.

You.

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"Back to Fairplay News Channel at 3, Tonight's story is a very sad one, as missing Colorado teens Stan Marsh and Kyle Broflovski were found deceased in an Oregon forest, close to tourist destination Mount Hood. It was told by Broflovski's mother that the two had always dreamed of moving there together. Friends and family are coming together to honor the lives of the two boys with a candlelight vigil and a balloon release at 5:30 on Starks Pond. Funeral services have not been determined yet, but the body's are being shipped back to South Park per request of the families. Please keep the everyone close to them in your prayers as South Park tries to recover from this unexpected and tragic loss. Back to you Brian."

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The end.