Chapter 28: The Sleepover

By the time I woke up Saturday morning, Hiro was already sitting in the kitchen, smiling and laughing with Mrs. Ito.

"You didn't tell me you had a friend coming over."

"He's not a friend," I had muttered.

Her brow rose as she asked, "A boyfriend."

"No Mrs. Ito," I grunted. Her face seemed to melt in relief.

I shook my head, and escaped to the bathroom, while he told Mrs. Ito all about the sleepover I was invited to. By the time I left the bathroom, she was so excited that I was making friends. I couldn't let her down.

So here I am, walking towards Hina's house with an overnight bag, my volleyball bag, and a pillow beneath my arm. Half of me still wanted to turn and run. The other half is being strung along by Hiro, who insisted on walking me. "I'm telling you, you're going to have a blast. The girls are always giggling on the bus about these little sleepovers, but never let me in on the secret."

"They probably just spend the whole night talking about you," I throw out, walking aimlessly. Her house was right up ahead.

"Well," he said, scooping my hand into his. It felt uncomfortable, oddly fighting in my hand, puzzle pieces being forced together. He pulled for me to face him, "Maybe you can talk about this," his lips were on mine before I could even process what was going on. But the moment I did, I snatched away.

"What are you-"

"'What," he smiled, "It's not like you're dating anyone."

"Doesn't mean I wanna go around kissing everyone," I mumbled, inching away from him. I wanted nothing more than to be away from him now. Even if that means being in Hina's house.

I took a few rushed steps saying, "I think I can take it from here."

I pulled my phone from my pocket looking down at it just to seem distracted as I walked away from Hiro and up to Hina's house. It was almost 7. Bokuto should be getting his phone back once they load the bus, he'll probably text me the moment he does. That is, if he hasn't been so focused that he forgot about me. Even if he did. Once he goes home, he'll realize I'm not there. I wonder what he'd have to say about this. About everything.

Lost in thought, I had already rang the doorbell forgetting to panic.

Right away the door opened, one of the second years on the team, smiling, "Zara, you're here," before grabbing my arm and yanking me into enemy territory. Hopefully I survive the night.

"Zara!" Cheered the group of girls spread out across the small living room. They spread from the couch to the floor, sitting, laying, laughing. I almost didn't recognize them. They actually seemed happy.

Hina leaned over the back of the couch, handing me a can of orange pop and saying, "Don't just stand there, put your stuff down and come on." She nodded towards the rug full of girls.

I dropped my bags, in the pile of bags behind the couch and joined the girls sitting on the floor. I didn't sit near Aimi, decided to save her the humiliation for tonight. The last thing any girl wants is to be called a lesbain at a sleepover.

One of the third years turned to me, breaking off from a conversation about boys. "So you're the last one here," She smiled, "So it must be true that Black people are always late uh?"

Note to self. Don't muder anyone tonight Z. You'll need them all in the morning.

"Um... No." I answered carefully, as if I were being tested, "Hiro decided to walk me here, but he was talking with my host family forever. It's like he never shuts up."

Her smile widened, looking up to the couch, "Ooo, Hina, I think Zara here is trying to steal your man."

The other third year joined in, "First Bokuto from Aimi, not Hiro from Hina. We all better watch out."

Their tones all felt light, and playful. The giggles of girls being friends. Fake friends. But still, it wasn't full of hate. And maybe that's the best I can get.

"Trust me, I don't want him. He's yours."

"I don't want him either," Hina laughed, but her voice shifted, turning cold as she muttered, "He has terrible taste."

I wanted to know what that shift meant. To stay in this moment with her for one more second to figure it out. But everything moves fast in conversations amongst girls.

"There's still, poor, shy, little Aimi. Finally had her shot with her crush, then-"

"I realized that Bokuto's an idiot," Aimi chuckled, "Just a cute dummy. I don't think I can handle that."

I laughed, the first real one since I got here. She's not entirely wrong.

She went on saying, in her shy voice, "Besides, I'm kind of seeing someone anyway."

My phone started buzzing in my pocket, I reached for it, eyes narrowing at Aimi as the rest of the girls shouted excited, Whats? "Like, officially?"

She only nodded, before I looked down at my phone. The girls began screaming excitedly, shaking her until she was laying on the floor. They were flooding her with questions, which seemed like a good time to disappear to take this phone call.

I stood up, slipping back to through the front door and stepping outside, answering Bokuto's call.

I shut the door but left it unlocked. "Hello?"

"Baby Bird!" He practically shouted. It seems like forever since I've been called that, "Why did you take so long to answer?"

"I was talking to Aimi," I didn't lie.

I heard voices in the background, chuckling and hooting going on around him. Bokuto was laughing, I could hear him telling people to back off, with his mouth away from the phone.

He must be on the bus. Called as soon as her got his phone back.

"So you did find someone to hang with."

"Yeah, your little friend Hiro was over all day yesterday, and today."

"What?" Bokuto actually seemed shocked, "I only asked him to walk you home after practice because it's starting to get dark earlier. That's it."

"Well he did a little more than that," I muttered, thinking about that surprise kiss he snuck in. So awkward and rough.

"That little-" Bokuto started, but I heard another voice speaking strong and loud somewhere near Bokuto.

"Bokuto, I told you, never send a guy to look after your girl."

"Coach!" He whined, "Zara's not-"

"Shut up, Owl Head! You know you're lying!"

"Baby Bird this, Baby Bird that, I miss Baby Bird. All weekend!"

The boys on the bus would not lay off of him. I wanted to just end the phone call and give him a break, but another part of me wants to join in on the fun.

"So you missed me?"

The noise in the background went on, but Bokuto's voice went soft as he said, "Yeah."

"Yeah, what?" I asked, just trying to get him to say it. Just so the boys would hear.

"Yes, I missed you Baby Bird," he chuckled. With the boys getting louder in the background.

I smiled, picking my timing to say back softly, "I missed you too."

I was quiet for a moment between me and Bokuto. The world still made so much sound around us, but between us, it was still. Miles and apart and still feeling as though we're the only two in the room. I imagine he's making the same stupid grin that I'm trying to hide.

"So," He finally said, "I'm going to take a shower when I get home then come over and tell you all about the camp okay?"

"Actually, I'm not home."

"Where are you?" He asked, his hopefulness falling.

"At a sleepover," I tried to stay casual, like half the girls here don't hate me.

"With Aimi?"

"Yeah, and the rest of the team. At Hina's house."

"Z!"

I started to explain myself before he could even say anything, "You told me to spend some time with my team!"

"Yeah, in well lit, public areas! I'm coming to get you the second I get off this bus."

"No don't," I pleaded, "Look they're still being prejudice and calling me a hoe, but they're being nicer about it." I didn't realize how stupid that would sound until I actually said it.

"Baby Bird?"

"Look, if anything goes wrong, I'll call you, right away okay?"

He was quiet for a while. Before he softly agreed, "Okay."

"I should go," I said, feeling the chill on the fall breeze.

"I'll see you in the morning."

"See you in the morning," I hung up and went back inside, with all eyes turned to me.

"So who was that?" Someone asked.

I shrugged saying, "My mom. If I don't answer her when she calls she threatens to send me back to the states."

I reached down into my overnight bag, pulling from it my golden plush throw blanket. I wrapped around myself to knock the chill out of me, and made my way back to the floor with the girls. I pulled the blanket up to my chin, and my nose filled with the scent of Bokuto. This was the blanket he used when he slept over. And suddenly, just how much I missed him sent in. I would rather be with him now, just us two, then here with these girls who only pretend to like me. But everyone said to give it a shot, so here I am. Giving it a shot.

I looked over to Aimi, quiet. Head down again. Something happened while I was outside. Something that only affected her. Everyone else went on smiling and laughing and eating and drinking pops. Everything was as it should be to them. But I knew something was off. But I had to pretend that I didn't notice, because this girl was staring at me. Staring hard. She smiled saying, "You know, you would be so pretty with a little makeup."

"Um..." Was that supposed to be a complement? "I don't wear makeup."

Her eyes lit up, "Oh come on! You gotta let me do your makeup!"

"Um, no thank you," I said. I am 1000% sure that she doesn't have anything that matches my skin well.

"Come on Zara," Hina ugred, "Newbee tradition."

"We actually do this before every tournament." the other third year said, "Get all dolled up and take pictures before we get all sweaty and gross the next day."

"Um..." I was still sceptical, I don't really like playing in makeup. I don't have a probably with it, it's just not my thing. I put a lot of time and effort into learning to love my face, just the way it is. It took awhile to learn that I could be beautiful, when with skin as dark as mine. And after all that hard work, I'd hate to cover it up.

But still, an excited girl grabbed me by the wrist and pulled me into the bathroom. She sat me down on the closed toilet seat, and she sat on the edge of the tub, pulling from the corner, a box that opened up with tons of makeup.

"My mom's a makeup artist. She keeps a little of everything for everybody."

"Your mom?"

"I'm Hina's sister, guess it's not that easy to tell," She said as she started pulling makeup from the bag, "Considering that I can be nice sometimes," she laughed. She was the first year that would set for me when I first came. Back with Aimi was still too scared of Hina to talk to me. "Our mom's gonna be gone pretty late tonight. A bridal party, wanted Mom to stay for the whole wedding so she can do touch ups on the girls throughout the night. Now close your eyes."

I did so. Putting a lot of trust in her. I sat still, as she talked about nothing, occasionally saying how good I was looking. I felt her cover my whole face. It felt thick, like my skin couldn't breath, it honestly kinda burned, and my nose itches. I have pretty sensitive skin. Everyone in my family does. We can't just put anything on our face. But I stayed quiet. I can endure this for a while. Just a few pictures and I can take it off. This night seems to be going well enough so far. I don't want to spoil it by being a baby and not participating. But there's still that thing with Aimi. Something happened. I'll have to find a moment to talk to her. See what's going on.

"Almost done," She said, moving a brush across my eye lid, "And... done."

I started to open my eyes, but she said, "Oh no you don't." I heard her move and felt something being tied over my eyes, "It's you can't see it until after the pictures."

She grabbed both my hands and pulled me to stand. I stumbled around blindly being guided by her, "Okay, there's a chair behind you. Sit."

I sat down and felt hands touching the back of my head. "That's Hina behind you."

"Why don't you wear your hair down?" I heard Hina's voice ask.

I shrugged saying the truth, "It doesn't go down. Ouch!" I felt her snatch my shoelace out of my hair and heard girls laughing as my hair stayed on top of my head.

"I guess you're right," Hina laughed.

As if I would be wrong, it's my hair, I know that it doesn't agree with gravity.

I reached up trying to fix it, but someone shouted, "Alright, we're ready."

Through the scarf tied around my eyes, I could see flashing. I snatched the scarf off, seeing a darkened room, with a bright blinding flash hitting me in my eyes. Girls laughed like ghouls, in the haunting white light. I turned to my sides, seeing black faces. Not brown, not deep brown like the earth in rain. No, not like me. This was oil, dark and contaminating. Thick and skinny, blinding me as the ghostly light flashed off the black faces.

All around me. Black faces, with wide red lips, painted up to their cheekbones. And white painted around their eyes. Making them seem dramatically wider. Everything was work the top, caricatures of Black people. A caricature of me. Or maybe this is how they see me. They moved in closer, laughing louder and louder, flooding my eardrums.

"Maybe all the guys will love us too now uh?" Someone laughed with a voice sounding southerner.

I covered my ears and closed my eyes. The laughs were becoming too much, the flashing was too much. But the girls began grabbing my arms, prying them from my ears. Nails scratch me all over. My arms were held down now but they still grabbed at me. My clothes shirt tearing as they pulled on whatever they could touch. My hair, my skin, my clothes.

I had to get away. From the flashing, the laughs, the groping hands. I had to move. I pulled myself from the chair, forcing the hands that tried to hold me down to release me. Their nails carved against my skin as they tried to pull me back down but I freed myself. And ran. I ran for the door, trying to grab my bag from the pile of bags, but the sound, the cackling laughter moved closer to me. I had to get away, had to move, now before they got to me again. Before they could do whatever it is they planned to do to me. I don't even want to know what they've thought up in those twisted minds.

My hands began to tremble, making my search for my bags even more difficult. My vision began to blur as tears formed in my eyes, it was dark. It was hard to see anything, but I saw one of my bags. I snatched it and ran out the door. They'll probably burn the rest of my stuff, but that can be replaced.

I bolted down the street, around some corners until I was lost and weak and cold. My knees gave out beneath me. I collapse to the sidewalk, leaning against someone's stone fence. I have no idea where I am. I folded my knees in and wrapped my arms around them pulling myself into a tight ball, with my forehead leaning on my arms. I tucked my face away, letting the tears fall. They were warm on my cold skin. Cold, black skin. The skin that has brought me so much hate. America, Japan, it doesn't matter. It's all the same. I am not the image people picture when they think of beauty. No, I'm the image they get, when they think of a beast. A monster. A joke. A slave.

It was just some messed up joke. But, it hurts. It burns. It all burns. The tears falling from my eyes, the sharp breaths in the cold fall night, the scratches across my arms, my chest, my neck. It all burns like fire within me. A fire, I can only hold, but not use. It burns my insides, yet my skin still crawled with goosebumps from the chill of the night.

I tried to slow my breathing. Stop the short, hard breaths that made my heart beat uncontrollable. I tried to gather my thoughts. Make a plan. Make a move. But I sat here. Frozen.

What the Hell was that?

And why was everyone okay with this? Maybe they don't really know what Blackface is, but still they played along. They knew. They all knew...

Aimi... She knew.

And she said nothing. She sat there and said nothing to me.

And to think I actually thought I made a real friend on my team. No, she just stuck around for my freaking rich cousin. As if he'll ever talk to her again after hearing about this. I should call him right now. I should call Aunt Bri, send someone to come get me. I should!

But I won't. Because if I do. I won't be able to play tomorrow. I'd miss my first real tournament, with a team that's actually good. I want to win. I want to go all the way to the top. I still want to play. To show them that I am a member of this team, and they don't have to like it.

I'm stronger than this. I have to be. I always have to be. Alway had to be. This is no different than kids in third grade pushing black markers across my skin and shouting, Look it matches. Bullies. I've dealt with them all my life. Don't treat this no different.

I pulled my phone out and saw a few text messages come across my screen. Girls from the team, each one of them sending me a different picture. In each one. The room was dark, the flash hit us all, making the image look ghostly. There were four girls in Blackface. Thick, oil black paint on their faces, with wide painted red lips, and exaggerated eyes. Their smiles as wide as the painted on lips as they laughed at a girl seated in a chair before them. Her face, painted white, with those same exaggerated lips, blood red, pulling from one cheekbone to the other. Across her forehead in cold black letters, the word, NIGGER.

I looked at my arms that my forehead rested on. White and black paint smudge against my arms. I felt more tears swelling. I've been called many things before, but never that. It was a line that everyone knew not to cross. A belittle term. Something to show that even today, I am seen as less than human.

I rubbed my hand across my forehead, digging my palm in as hard as I could, trying to scrap away the words. Scrap away the thoughts, the memories, me. Rubbing as if I could erase myself from this reality that I got myself into.

I dropped my hand from my head, looking at the mix of grey paint on my hand. I used the clean hand to call Bokuto, as I continued to rub my face, now covering the back of my hand with red and white, till it mixed to pink.

"Z, are you okay?" He answered before the first ring could be completed.

And just like that. Just those three words, are you okay? And here I am, sobbing like a baby, "No," I crooked out of a tight throat, "Can you get me? I'm lost."

"Okay Baby Bird, on my way. Just find a street corner and tell me the name."

I looked up at the street sign at the corner and told him the names of the streets.

"Okay, I know where that is. I'll be there soon."

I wanted to get up and go over to the street sign. Make it easier to find me. But I didn't move. I wanted to reach into my bag and get a jacket. But I didn't move. I couldn't move. I fell back into my, alone. Cold. But safe. Salf enough at least, because Hina wasn't here. She couldn't reach my bubble.

The cold began to creep under my skin, chilling me to the bone.

Right when it was setting in deep, causing me to reach for my bag, I looked up and saw a single light, speeding towards more, then past me. I saw Bokuto, in a blue hoodie, speed right past me. But stopped two petals after. I stopped suddenly, the bike sliding on the road. He hopped off, setting it down and running to me. "Zara! Zara?" He stopped as he got closer, as he got the chance to look at me. But his pause was brief, "Zara, what are you doing?"

I was readying myself for an I told you so. But it didn't come. In one quick movement he snatched his hoodie off saying, "It's freezing. You wanna get sick right before your first tournament?"

A smile cracked on my lips. Small, but there. Everything going on, and his priorities are still on the game. He took my icy fingers in his hands and pulled my to my feet. Held onto my hands, looking at the paint that smudged onto his skin. "Your hands are freezing!" He said, rubbing his hands around mine, trying to warm them.

He stopped, quickly throwing his hoodie over my head. I moved stiffly, pulling my arms through his hoodie sleeves, they were long on me, covering my arms and hands completely. He reached down picking up my bag saying. "Come on. Let's get you home." He threw my bag over his shoulder and grabbed my hand over his hoodie sleeve. But once he grabbed my hand, everything seemed to stop. He pulled me into him. Wrapping his strong arms around me, pulling me into him tight. And here it was. His warmth. The warmth I've been missing so much. This feeling of being wanted. The feeling that my team has snatched away from me, time and time again and now. I get to have it back. And it feels good. I buried my face into his chest, letting the sobs escape my throat, letting the tears run free. And he let me. He didn't tell me to stop crying. He didn't care about the paint getting on his clothes or the tears.

He just held me close. As close as he could, until he said, "Let's go. Get you out of this cold."

But still, he didn't let go. Not for another few seconds. He breathed deeply, before letting go. I could feel his chest rise and fall with me still pressed to him. And even after he let go. His warmth was still there.

He still held my hand, pulling me to the bike he left in the middle of the road. He mounted the bike and motioned for me to hop on. I grabbed hold of him tight. Wanting to feel his warmth on me to fight against the cold.

He took off, riding quickly, wind whipping around us. I tucked my face into his back, using him as a shield from the wind. He didn't seem to mind. I was in no way a bother to him.

We were home quickly, but I didn't move. When Bokuto noticed I wasn't moving. He turned back asking, "What's wrong?"

"If she can't see me. Not like this. She'll call my aunt and I won't get to play. And Mrs. Ito..." my head dropped in shame, unable to make such a simple request, "She was so excited. Thought I was finally making friends."

Bokuto was quiet for a moment. He breathed deeply saying, "Come on." I hopped off the bike and he did as well, and I followed him through he fence and to his back yard. He put his bike in the shed then took my hand and led me to a window.

"Stay here," he said, then took off in a jog towards the front of his house.

I did as told. Stood there and waited. Until, the curtain opened and Bokuto's face appeared on the other side of the glass. He pushed the window opened and held a hand out to me, "Come on."

He took my hand and helped me through the window. "You'll sleep here tonight. You'll have to stay in here. At least until my mom falls asleep, then you can use the bathroom." He looked down at his bed saying, "My beds not as big as yours but, I can sleep on the floor if you want."

"No." I said, my voice quiet.

A smile rose to his face. But he looked back to me saying, "I get a clean washcloth for you. Do you have anything to sleep in?"

I looked down at the bag I managed to grab. It was my volleyball bag. With just my uniform and water bottle. I can't sleep in my uniform. So I shook my head and he nodded, opening a drawer.

He tossed a blue shirt to me, that had Way of the Ace, written down the back, "I got like three of these, you can sleep in this. Let me grab you some shorts." He reached back into the drawer and tossed me a pair of shorts. Then looked up saying, "So, you can change now. And I'll... I'll go get you those rags."

He left the room, closing the door behind him. I wiggled out of his hoodie and my ripped t-shirt. I threw the shirt his shirt on. I was pulling his shorts on when I heard a slight knock on the door.

Then I heard his mom call out, "Son. Why are you knocking on your own door?"

"Oh! I thought I was still at that training camp. Man, I must be sleepy. Night mom."

The door opened slowly and Bokuto stepped in with his eyes closed tight.

Quickly I slid the shorts on and tied the string, saying, "You're good."

"Cool," he said, opening his eyes. He had water in his hands and a few washcloths. He handed me a warm damp rag and I wiped it across my face. Seeing the paint come off.

"You got a mirror?" I asked, sitting on the edge of his bed.

"Not in here now," he said, he pulled up a chair and sat in front of me. He took the rag from my hand saying, "Here, close your eyes."

I did close my eyes, and felt his fingers beneath my chin. Holding my head up as he brushed the paint away with the rag. I couldn't help but say, "The last time someone told me to close me eyes, they wrote nigger across my forehead."

"They what?" He asked, shocked. I didn't open my eyes to see his face, or at least I tried not to look. His hand landed on my shoulders shaking me, "Z? Are you gonna tell me what happened or not?" He wasn't being mean about it. He was worried, yes, but he made it seem like if I said no, he would understand.

I wanted him to know, but I don't have the strength to tell him. So I pulled out my phone and handed it to him, with a picture sent from one of the girls on the team. He looked at the phone. I saw the anger spike in him, but only for a moment. Everything seemed to turn soft, his eyes, his movements, his voice, "Baby Bird," he said, pulling me into his lap. He sat me on his leg and threw my arms around his neck, pulling me into a tight hug. "Baby Bird, how are you going to play with them tomorrow."

I shrugged. I don't really know how I'm going to play with them. It will be like standing on the court with enemies all around me. On both sides of the net. Even Aimi.

I felt Bokuto's chest rise and fall as he breathed deeply. He pulled back saying, "Alright, let's get you cleaned up and get to bed. We gotta get up early tomorrow. Gotta get there before everyone else so you can take an actual shower."

I nodded, getting ready to move off of his lap, but he tightened his arm around my waist, keeping me there. He grabbed another clean warm rag and kept wiping. Once all the paint was gone, he placed a kiss on my forehead and said, "Ready for bed?"

I nodded, getting up from his lap and moving over to his bed. I hadn't realized how tired I really was until it hit me, that I was actually safe to sleep. No one is going to do anything to me. I'm safe.

I pulled myself under his blanket, moving as close to the wall as possible to give Bokuto his space. He turned the lights out and a tiny light began to glow on his dresser. I looked at it, still sitting up in the bed. "Is that, an owl night light?"

He chuckled a little, "Yeah, I can cut it off." He reached for it.

But I yawned, laying down, "It's fine."

My eyelids feel heavy. Once they were down, I could lift them again. Even when I felt the bed move under the weight of Bokuto. Or when he moved closer to me, wrapping an arm around me and pulling me to his body. "Goodnight Baby Bird," he whispered, leaving a kiss on my cheek.

"Goodnight Bokuto," I said softly, feeling warm, feeling safe. Everything felt easier, with him right by my side.