Ch 154

Night had settled over the forest. The rain had stopped hours ago, but everything still smelled of wet earth and pine. 

The fire crackled low in the center of the cave, casting long, dancing shadows on the stone walls. It was the only sound. 

None of us were eating. Kisame had caught fish earlier, like he always did, but no one had touched it. It sat cooling on a flat rock near the fire, forgotten. 

The silence between us wasn't tense, just there. No one spoke. No one moved. I was used to that. The quiet had become familiar. 

But for once, I didn't want it to stay. 

I was hungry. Not the kind of hunger that made my stomach twist and ache, just a gentle, hollow reminder that I was still alive. 

That I could still feel things like that. And this time, I wanted to do something about it. So I moved. 

I reached out and picked up one of the cooked fish from the rock. The skin was darkened and crisp, still slightly warm. 

I glanced up, just briefly. Neither of them looked surprised. Itachi didn't react at all. 

Kisame only raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. I didn't ask. I didn't wait. I took a bite. It was simple, a little dry, but not bad. 

The salt clung to my lips, and the warmth traveled down my throat, filling that strange, aching space in my chest. 

I chewed slowly, savoring it, not because it tasted amazing, but because I was doing it. I was choosing it. I ate another bite. Still, no one said anything. 

But I could feel their eyes flick toward me now and then, just brief glances. I kept eating. 

There was something strangely powerful in that, sitting here, in front of them, doing something so basic and human. 

Not breaking down. Not crying. Not fighting. Just eating. I wasn't doing it for them. I was doing it for me. I felt less suffocated. Lighter. 

I finished the fish slowly, wiping my fingers on the cloth at my knee, not caring that it was already stained. 

My stomach felt warm. Not full. But not empty anymore either. I leaned back slightly, letting the firelight wash over my face. 

I kept silent. That small action had been enough. I'd started something. And for tonight... that was enough.

~~~~

Morning came with new light, barely touching the edges of the cave. I blinked against it, groggy, my body sore from sleeping on stone. 

I sat up and immediately noticed something was off. Kisame was gone. Before I could even open my mouth to ask, Itachi, already awake, already watching the mouth of the cave, spoke quietly. 

"He went ahead to track the Four-Tails." His voice was calm, matter-of-fact, like it didn't require further explanation. 

I nodded slowly, the motion stiff, like my body didn't want to move yet. I pulled my knees to my chest, resting my chin there, eyes fixed on the empty space where Kisame had been. 

I didn't say anything. What was there to say? There was no farewell, no warning, no guarantee he'd return unscathed. But that was just how things were with them. I stayed quiet after that, letting the silence return.

 Hours passed like that. The fire crackled low again, and the air had grown warmer with the rising sun, but I still hadn't moved. Neither had Itachi. 

We just existed in the cave together, breathing in the same still air, surrounded by the kind of quiet that was starting to feel more companion than burden. 

But eventually, I felt a want. A small pull in my chest, uncomfortably uncertain, but not cruel. I didn't feel strong. I didn't feel ready. But I did feel... capable. 

So I stood. I didn't make any indicator, I just stepped outside, feet dragging slightly in the dirt. The walk was slow. Every step a memory. 

My body remembered this path even if my mind didn't want to. But I didn't turn away. I kept going, because something in me needed to see it again. 

The lake. 

Same as before, calm blue. But this time, I didn't wade in. I didn't cry. I didn't scream. I just sat down at the edge and stared. The water rippled quietly, catching faint light on its surface. 

I watched it without blinking, the soft motion of it almost hypnotic. It was peaceful. Unmoving. I looked down. My reflection stared back at me. My hair clung to my face in loose strands. My expression, firm. 

I tilted my head slightly, like I could maybe see something different from another angle. But I didn't recognize her. Not in a frightening way. Not like some monster was looking back. 

Just... foreign. That face wasn't who I remembered. The girl I used to be, before everything, was gone. She'd burned up somewhere along the way, piece by piece, until all that was left was this. 

And I didn't know what this was supposed to become. Who was I supposed to be now? A survivor? A runaway? A burden to criminals with blood on their hands? My lips pressed into a thin line. I wanted to cry. I didn't cry. 

There was nothing left for that right now. Just questions without answers. A quiet presence settled beside me. I didn't need to look to know it was Itachi. He didn't speak. Didn't ask what I was doing or why I came here. 

He just sat there, watching the same water I was, as still and unreadable as ever. Maybe he didn't want me to be alone. Maybe he didn't trust me to be alone here, not after what I'd done just days ago. But I didn't mind. I wasn't alone this time. And I wasn't running. 

I just sat beside the water, with a stranger's reflection staring back at me, and a quiet companion who didn't need to say anything to be present.

The longer I stared at the lake, the heavier it all felt. Not in a sudden way. Not like a wave crashing over me. More like a slow unraveling, like a knot inside me coming loose, thread by thread, until everything I'd been holding together just... started slipping. 

I felt my throat tighten first. Then the sting behind my eyes. A breath caught in my chest, and when I let it out, it was shaky. I wiped at my face instinctively, but it didn't matter. The tears came anyway. 

Just a few. Barely enough to wet my cheeks. But they felt heavy. 

I stared at my reflection again, blurry from the ripples, and whispered to it like it was someone else entirely. 

"If I was meant to live..." My voice cracked. "...Then why does it still hurt this much?" 

I didn't care that Itachi was right next to me. I didn't care if he heard. The pain didn't ask for permission. It never had. 

Silence stretched between us for a long moment, just the gentle sound of the water, the wind in the trees. 

Then, to my surprise, Itachi moved beside me. When I glanced over, I saw something I hadn't before. His mask, the one he always wore, the calm, emotionless shell, had disappeared. 

And underneath it, for the first time... he looked concerned. Not in a cold, tactical way. He just looked... soft. Human. Like before. 

"What happened to you?" he asked gently, his eyes not sharp now but warm. "To make you like this?" 

The words hit harder than I expected. I never thought I'd show this side of myself to him, but it seemed like I could. I cried harder. 

"I tried so hard," I whispered, the words tumbling out before I could stop them. "When I left Orochimaru, I wanted to be better. I wanted to belong somewhere. I thought maybe... maybe the Leaf would give me a second chance." 

Itachi didn't interrupt. So I kept going. 

"They treated me like a criminal at first. Always watching me. Always waiting for me to slip up. But after a while, it started to change. They let me in. I thought it was getting better." 

I pressed my hands to my face, my shoulders trembling. 

"I saw Naruto again. I saw people I hadn't seen since I was a kid. I thought maybe... just maybe... I could stay this time." 

My voice broke. 

"But then Danzo got in their heads. Started whispering poison. Turning people against me. Making them remember who I used to be. And just like that... it was over. Everything fell apart." 

I lowered my hands, staring at the water through blurred eyes. 

"No one trusted me again. People looked at me like I was a ticking bomb. And the worst part is... I started to believe it, too." 

Another tear fell. 

"And now I don't even know who I'm supposed to be anymore." 

Itachi said nothing for a long time. When he did, his voice was low, but the seriousness behind it was impossible to ignore. 

"Did they attack you?" 

I blinked through my tears, startled by how firm he sounded. His expression hadn't changed much, but something in him had. He wasn't just asking. He needed to know. I shook my head quickly. 

"No," I whispered, voice cracking. "Not exactly." Itachi didn't relax. 

"It was Danzo," I continued, breath hitching as I spoke. "He didn't need to attack me. He just... twisted everything. Made people look at me like I was dangerous. Like I was a mistake waiting to happen." 

My hands trembled as I pressed them to my knees. 

"He wanted a reason to erase me. And I didn't even do anything. I just existed." 

My breathing turned sharp, shallow. Each inhale cut deeper than the last, and I couldn't stop it. My chest rose and fell in rapid, panicked bursts. 

I was gasping, trying to find air between sobs, but it felt like I was drowning all over again. Itachi moved closer without hesitation. 

The next thing I knew, his arms were around me. I collapsed into him like something inside me finally gave out. 

"It's so hard," I sobbed, clutching the front of his cloak like it was the only thing holding me together. "Everything is so hard. Every day feels like I'm dragging myself." 

He didn't speak. He just held me, steady and quiet as the emotions passed through me. 

"If I start living again," I whispered, voice shaking, "then what was all that for? All the pain? All the times I thought I wasn't going to make it? All the times I didn't want to?" 

Itachi tensed against me. His arms tightened slightly, and his voice, when it came, was quiet. Careful. 

"...Have you tried before?" I didn't answer at first. Realizing he didn't know the extent of my misery. I just nodded. 

Then, when I could speak again, I replied, "Yeah. I have... Just before... just before I saw you again, that last time." 

His hold on me tightened. Not crushing. Not panicked. But protective. He didn't scold me. Didn't try to tell me I was wrong or selfish. 

He just stayed there, holding me like the world couldn't reach me while I was in his arms. 

It was the safest I'd felt in years. And when he finally spoke again, his voice was steady. Grounding. 

"Take care of yourself," he responded. "Don't just sit here, waiting for it to stop hurting. Move. Meditate your chakra. Keep your control. Do what you're good at." 

His voice softened, almost like he hated having to say it out loud. "Make your way back up." 

I blinked through the tears, still pressed against his chest. "You don't have to rush," he added. "But don't let it keep you buried." 

I didn't know what to say. But deep down, I heard him. And somewhere beneath all the pain, all the mess, I wanted to believe he was right.

A/n Wrote this quickly because I'm trying to make as many chapters as I can so you guys can enjoy this when the fall term comes! You know how I am... Enjoy~