Ch 131

I can feel a headache coming on from all these problems, and it's never good when that happens. 

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and enjoying the fresh smell of the forest. When I finally released that breath, I opened my eyes. 

"Look, you may be trying to provoke me into doing something drastic or you were trying to see if I have any hidden agenda. Well, my answer to that is yes, I do have one. And it is for my own benefit." 

No, I can't do this anymore. I tried to be calm, I tried to do everything and it failed. It hurts, you know. Being accused by people you once thought of as family. 

It hurts to see all the young ones that you knew looking at you like you were some criminal. I've been hurting a lot recently, but this makes me think that all those other times were tolerable. 

Shikaku stepped forward, closing the distance between us. "Why would you say something that would make us suspect you?" 

He still sounded angry, like the idea of me being here made him mad. Like the idea of me even remotely doing something bad isn't even fathomable. 

But seriously? They're asking why I was saying something incriminating? Yet they already have in their minds that I'm a lost cause. 

"Because we are all just trying to survive here. I may have been with Orochimaru but not by choice, people have to see that in my mind, he was the right choice." 

It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. The family that I once thought was waiting for me no longer exists. That, along with the girl they were mourning. 

"I could stay in the village, but then I'd be under observation 24/7. I survived the Uchiha massacre, I survived Itachi Uchiha, which I'm sure you know is a very powerful shinobi. I have been through many experiences with this village, many good, many bad. And at the young age that I was, I thought it was right to leave." 

My voice wasn't elevated, but the power I had in it made my point go through. There was no need to scream out, to shout at them. 

That would only mean that they won. They got what they wanted. If they want me gone from the village, I will do just that. But I will go, I will leave on my own two feet. 

Shikaku tried to reason again, seeing the truth that I was spilling. "You were young, going through a terrible time. And you made a judgement, I get that. But going to Orochimaru?" 

Anger. His voice was of a scolding parent, and that made so many nostalgic emotions go through my mind. He also did not raise his voice, instead, it got more quiet. But my voice didn't let up, he wanted to see me emotional, he'll have to torture it out of me. 

"I didn't go to him at first, I tried to be on my own for awhile. That didn't work. I was a child going through the big wide world. I went to many villages and met many people. Think of that. Think of what I did when I was 11 years old!" 

I turned to the rookie 12, keeping my voice calm, almost sickly sweet of a tone so that it wouldn't scare them. 

"Think of when you were graduating from the academy. That age, that mentality, that power scale. Think back, and try to imagine leaving the village after your parents were killed in front of your eyes and almost dying yourselves. Think of leaving the village and going out into the world with nothing more than the clothes on your back and trying to survive. Now, how would you fare?" 

I looked Shikaku and Kakashi right in their eyes, "how would you do?" I said it slowly, emphasizing every word. 

I am mad. I could even say I'm pissed. Outright rage, even. You know why? Because I am back, I am seeing many old faces, many of my past friends. Some of you people I even consider family, you practically helped raise me. 

Yet here I am, 7 years later, and all that is gone. 

It hurts so much... 

It hurts! 

I let out a soft audible grunt of pain as I felt my throat knot, my head throb. I can feel my eyes burn as I try to hold back tears. I am so glad my eyes mask is on, I don't know what I would do if it wasn't. 

Shikaku was right in front of me, if he reached his hand out he could touch me. I remember that last time I stood in front of him, I tried to use crying to gain sympathy points and when that didn't work I knocked him out. 

I can't cry now. It will only make everything worse. 

"Ishi," he said, "you were with the enemy, right? You were involved with the destruction of the leaf and the killing of the 3rd Hokage, right?" 

Now his voice was calm, not a shred of anger anywhere. Of course, that obvious anger was also planned. I was missing hints and now I am oblivious to them. 

This is so my year. 

"I was not even involved with that. I even tried to help sabotage his plan so that it wouldn't cause as much destruction. And when I met you guys, when you recognized me, I tried to leave. But no, you wanted to fight. I said it to your face, I don't want to fight you." 

I said it to many people. None of them listened. My voice lost it's anger, now just sounding tired. Empty. 

"You don't get to decide who to fight, we didn't want to fight you," I could feel Shikaku trying to parent me again. He seemed to like that approach. And to be honest, I did as well. 

It was like I was back in Konoha, back to being a kid before... 

Before that mess happened. 

"Yes you did, you felt betrayed that I was alive and that the moment you knew that, also realized I was with him." 

My voice didn't have any bite, I didn't even try to argue for my acceptance anymore. I know that I won't be going back. It's better to stop while I'm still able to make a coherent thought. 

"Ishi-" 

"Stop. I know what I've done, I understand what you've done. This is my fault. I know. But you have to understand, I just want to survive." 

Shikaku stared at my face, trying to see me. The real me. But what he saw, I wish I could see. Shikaku seemed to hesitate for a moment, his eyes softening, but only for a fraction of a second. 

He was trying to understand the suffocation I felt. His years of experience as a strategist, as someone who always thought ahead, that thought of his experience. 

It was useful, sure. But it wasn't everything. There are times when being strategic won't work, that unpredictability which is human emotions. 

"I understand," Shikaku finally spoke, his voice quieter, almost distant. "But you can't expect us to ignore the things you've done. The choices you made, they shaped who you are now." 

I nodded slowly, feeling a pit in my stomach. 

"I don't want your acceptance anymore. I don't need it." 

The words tasted bitter on my tongue, but they were the truth. I didn't need to explain myself any further. I had made my decisions. There was no going back to the way things were. I had made my peace with that, even if they hadn't. 

Shikaku sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Ishi... maybe you don't need our forgiveness. But you can't keep running either." 

I looked at him, my eyes hardening. 

"Maybe that's all I know how to do now." 

I can feel my breathing getting more heavy, it was tough to get enough air as is, but now I have my heart beating so fast. 

What is happening? 

Shikaku opened his mouth to speak, but barely any words came out. Or, I just didn't hear them well. 

"Ishi, you... ... ... there are... ... ... ... I know... ... ..." 

Why is this happening again? 

I could feel my vision get dark and if I waited a few seconds, it went back to normal. I feel lightheaded. This situation keeps getting worse and worse. Everything hurts now and I just want to leave. 

I want to go home. I want to go back to the small town where... 

I'm not wanted here. 

"Shikaku," I started. "Give me a moment..." 

"..."

I reached out as I felt dizzy, grabbing onto his arm as my head started to hurt really bad. It was a pounding headache. I squeezed his arm as the pain worsened. 

I grunted lightly as I put my hand on my head, as if that would help. Shikaku looked concerned, watching me in surprise. 

After a few seconds he reached his hand up to my face and lifted my eye mask. I was shocked, but didn't go to stop him as I had nothing left to lose. 

I looked him in the eyes directly, and he did to me. He just stared for a while, not making any expression on his face. 

"..."

After a few seconds, the pain went down to a degree I could handle and I let go of his arm, as well as pulled down the eye mask. 

"You are different from the last time," he observed. 

"This matter will be held more privately, you may stay for the time being. I have gathered and concluded that you are not a threat to the leaf village. This meeting is over."

A/n More will be explained later, his reasoning and some visitors too! Enjoy~