Remember Me

"Don't say that Buck, ever, I need to see him" she stood up, determinedly. "Whatever is wrong, I need to see him" her heart was racing and she felt suddenly woozy. She leaned on the arm of the chair till her head cleared and Bucky stood, placing his arm around her waist to steady her.  There had never been, and would never be anything intimate between them, but right now she needed to be held, comforted and reassured.  Bucky could do the first two, and he did, holding her against him, stroking her hair as she took some deep breaths.  The third though, was something he could not in all conscience fake.  He had to be honest, pulling away looked down at this frail but feisty woman, her eyes a sea of conflicting emotion.

"Ali, listen to me, please" he said quietly, he was almost as tall as Loki so she had to look up at him. His eyes were as intensely grey as Loki's were green and his expression almost as icy. "He's.... not himself. Something happened while he was away. We think something terrible. To do with Thanos and the Dark Order.

Thor couldn't find him at the rendezvouz and it was almost two weeks later before we tracked him to some godforsaken backwater planet, I can't even remember the name. Ali, I'm sorry, he was...is... broken". He was being as gentle as he could but there was no hiding the fact the Dark Order had finally caught up with Loki, made good on their threats prior to 2012 and New York. Ali felt genuine terror. This had been Loki's worst fear realised.

"I don't care Buck, I need to see him. I can help him, I know I can." she said it with such passion he couldn't disagree.

"Ok, you've got 30 minutes to gather some stuff and then we're on the Quinjet back to the Campus ok?" she nodded and moved quickly.

An hour later, she was being met by Natasha and Thor at the door next to the landing pad. Natasha took one look at her and threw her arms around her in an emotion filled hug. "Oh my God" she said as they embraced, "you're so thin, you poor thing, come here. Oh my god."

Ali didn't smile at the reunion, there was no joy now. Only fear. "I need to see him Nat. I - we - can help him" she looked from Nat to Thor,

"I don't know Ali " he said, rubbing his face thoughtfully "he's changed. Even for him. He's withdrawn and moody and wont eat or sleep. Wouldn't speak to start with, now he just keeps saying its all his fault and muttering about someone dying. Nothing more, just that it's all his fault." he shook his head "If we try to ask him questions he just explodes with anger."

"And anger's my department" said a voice from behind.

"Bruce" Ali turned and hugged the huge green figure behind her. "Let me at least see him? Please?" Bruce looked at Tony who had also appeared. Tony took one look at Ali and pulled her into a hug.

"Hey Kiddo, you're here" he smiled gently "going to stay awake long enough to see him Sleeping Beauty?" she laughed in spite of herself, and he kissed her forehead. "That's better. So, Thor? You know Emo Prince best - what's the verdict?"

"Ok, but only from a distance, at least to begin with." Thor put his arm around Ali's shoulder, pulling her beside him as they walked, the rest followed behind at a distance. As they moved, he said "So, are you still, well, vulnerable?" He wasn't quite sure how to ask her if she still had Hydra in her head. She nodded, "Sadly, but less than before I think.  You know Thor, while you were gone, I thought him being back would help me make a fresh start, but now..." she trailed off, not wanting to think of the possible outcome of their meeting.

Thor smiled softly, "If anyone can get through to him, it's you little one, you're his life. I'm certain he is still in there somewhere. He looks like him and sometimes even sounds like him, but we can't get to him and that's what scares me. He's locked up tight in his own nightmare and we can't get him out without breaking him." he paused "But be warned, if you can't get to him we might have to send him away. I'm sorry".

"Away? What do you mean 'away'" she stopped and grabbed Thor's arm "Thor? Where are they sending him?"

"The Raft" was the sad reply. The notorious secure Prison barge.

"No.no.no.no.no.no!!" she shook her head "You cant send him there, no, please Thor" she grabbed his huge hands in her tiny ones, pleading - her eyes filled with tears. That was a one way journey that she couldn't follow him on.

"It might be our only alternative. If they've broken his mind completely, he's a danger to all of us all over again. We cant risk another 2012, you know that right?". He turned and opened a door to their left "He's in here" he gestured into a darkened room with a window on one side "Keep the light off".

Entering the room, standing at the window, she could see through into a furnished holding cell, with Loki sitting on the floor at the far side. She put a hand to her mouth and gasped at the sight. He was dishevelled and grimy, his hair wild and unkempt. He sat on the floor barefoot and in casual clothes, a far cry from the Asgardian armour or the Gucci suit he was so fond of.

His face was even paler than normal with red-rimmed eyes, cheeks streaked with tears. He sat amongst his overturned furniture and the wall and floor splattered with the remains of the last meal he had thrown against it in frustration. As she entered, he was bent over, screaming in frustration, hands balled into fists, his eyes closed. Suddenly becoming aware from the noises through the intercom, that someone had entered the room, he stopped. He looked up and straight at her. The mirrored glass, however, meant he could not see who was there.

"If you have come to taunt me again Brother, just leave. I have no wish to hear your pointless platitudes. I have told you before and I will repeatedly. She is going to die and I am going to kill her. Now, LEAVE ME ALONE."

Ali looked at Thor in horror and to Nat and Bruce who had just come in, "Who's going to die?" she said, terrified of the reply she was sure was coming.  Fighting her urge to collapse she hung on to the ledge below the window.

"We don't know for sure" said Nat gently, coming over and pulling Ali to her, "but we think it's you sweetie."

For a moment Ali stood, shocked and scared.  What she was afraid of exactly, she wasn't sure.  He was still Loki, still the man she loved and somewhere deep down he loved her, otherwise he wouldn't be in the state he was now. So many questions, so many doubts and fears.  No answers.

What she did know was she wasn't going to give in.  She was going to fight, for Loki, for their life together.  This was 2012 all over again, this was fear and suffering and death, but this time she was prepared. She wasn't a frightened girl anymore, she was in her own way, she realised, an Avenger.

"Let me in." she said quietly, firmly. She looked at Thor "you know him, he won't harm me. " Thor considered her words carefully, she held her breath then he nodded and stood out of her way.  Nat put a hand on her arm, making her pause.

"You sure about this?  What if it makes it - him - worse?" she was genuinely concerned for her friend.

"Define worse" was all Ali said, gently shaking off the hand and walking into the corridor. She paused for a minute, dizzy and needing to breathe. She leant with one hand on the wall, the other supporting her stomach. Deep breaths steadied her jangling nerves.

"C'mon Frosticle" she whispered "Let's go get Daddy back." 

She had told no-one she was pregnant.  

She had only recently discovered herself and she was scared and unsure in all sorts of ways she never dreamed possible.  She'd refused to even acknowledge it to begin with, thinking she was just suffering from depression and worry.  She'd dismissed her lack of a period as a side effect of hardly eating or sleeping but after a week of nausea, grew up and went to the doctor - no handy supermarkets in that little place - to take a test.  When it had come up positive she genuinely didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  If only she had known before that fateful briefing, she could have told him, they could have made things right.  Now she prayed she would have the chance to.  With new resolve, she straightened up, resetting and going into full mission mode.  

After all, this was a mission to get the love of her life back, even if he didn't know it yet. As she reached out to turn the handle on the door to Loki's cell, Thor put his giant hand over hers and gave it a small squeeze.

"Mother would have been so proud of you" he said gently, "She always knew Loki would find his soulmate one day, I just wish she could have met you" he smiled and winked at her then kissing her on the cheek added "You are every bit as strong and fierce as Sif, little sister - Loki was right."

"Thanks Thor," she let out a deep breath, "let's get this show on the road eh?" she turned the handle and walked into the room.

Loki didn't look up from his book, he sat , legs stretched out in front of him, turning the pages slowly.  "I said... GET OUT!" he raised his voice a level or two without even pausing for breath.

"NO" was all she said, striding into the room and stopping at his feet. She knew there were several pairs of eyes watching and by now Fury would have joined them too.  She had to make this work or she would never see him again.

Loki looked up at the sharp retort and his face was the definition of pain as he leapt to his feet, casting the book onto his bed.  Turning on his heel away from her, he steadfastly looked at the wall.

"You should not be here Alison" he said quietly, almost threateningly. His use of her full name gave her a shiver. "You should have stayed away, where you were safe." his arms folded across his chest, hands balled into fists as he closed his eyes.  Ali took a step forward and put a hand on his arm, trying to turn him to face her. He wouldn't budge, wouldn't look at her.

"DO NOT TOUCH ME WOMAN" he roared, eyes closed, tears streaming. Determined not to show fear, she kept it there, while holding up the other hand to the window, telling them to stay back. He stiffened but didn't turn. She stood her ground, terrified but determined.

"Loki! Look. At. Me." She pulled again, gently but he resisted and thrusting his arm out towards her, pushed her away sharply. Caught off balance, she stumbled and fell heavily onto her hands and knees. For a moment she was winded, pausing on all fours as she gathered her wits. She was unhurt and again she motioned to her friends not to intervene. She had to keep trying.

Staying back this time, she stood up and pressed on harder, "Loki, please.  Whatever the problem is, we can sort it together" she tried to keep the fear and desperation out of her voice but failed. "I love you Loki Laufeyson" It cracked and she took in a gasping sob. 

She could feel the people in the next room willing her on. 

She took a breath, "I heard what you said.  There is no way I am dying Loki, no way.  Not to suit them. I fought too damn hard and I'm not losing you - us - now.  I wont. You cannot and will not kill me. I know you too well. You love me. You said so. You will NOT kill me. "

She sat down heavily on the bed, rubbing her back "and I'm too tired and achy to be standing around arguing with you" she muttered.

There was a cry of anguish from Loki as he pounded the wall, his forehead pressed against it fighting his inner demons.

He turned, crashing to his knees, blinded by the tears falling down his marble cheeks. "But I AM a monster. I lose everyone I love. I alienated Thor, I killed my own Mother and now You. Ali, I WILL kill you, its inevitable.  They put something in my head, something twisted and evil. I keep seeing visions of you dead at my feet. " he fell to his knees, hands in front of his face. "they said I will kill you, this is my punishment.  To lose what I most love at my own hands." he sobbed into his hands "I don't know how to stop it, it's dark magic unlike anything I've ever known. If you stay away, I can't hurt you. If I die first, I can't hurt you. Its really that simple." 

Ali got up and knelt beside him, "You did not kill your Mother, no matter what they may have brainwashed you with. Thor is next door, worried sick about you and I am NOT going to die. Loki you are NOT going to kill me" she peeled his hands from his face and looked into his eyes. From nowhere she produced one of the little daggers he had given her so long ago.  Little did anyone know, taught by the best, she always carried it now. She held it out to him, hilt first. "I can prove it to you. Take it."  This was the ultimate gamble.

He recoiled in horror and jumped back, shaking  "No! Get it away. No Ali, " he stared, transfixed by the gleaming metal, horrified.

"TAKE IT!" She screamed at him, standing and thrusting it into his hand. She grabbed his hand and pointed the tip at her chest. She was getting faint with fear, she didn't know how long she could hang on, but she had to break him to heal him.  The primal urge to save him, to get him back overcoming anything within her. "KILL ME LOKI. DO IT!" she screamed at him, flecks of spit flying and her face scarlet with fear and rage.

For a moment his face contorted and she thought she'd played this all wrong. Her mind screamed now, but she stayed upright and silent, waiting. Hoping. For what seemed an eternity, he stood glaring at her madly, the tip pressing into the material of her shirt just a little more.

She closed her eyes. "Fight them my love," she whispered firmly and opened her eyes again to stare into his, "for your child if not for me" she said at last. The final card in play, she could feel, if not hear, the gasp from the next room.  What a way to let that slip she briefly thought as she watched him wrestle with his own mind. Panic and a thousand other emotions crossed his tortured face. His hand started to shake, he looked at her as if possessed and he pressed the dagger further, just piercing the fabric. 

Her hand rose in the direction of the window.  Nobody was to move until she gave a sign.  She felt the metal tip sharp against her skin and it took all her strength not to flinch. "Do what you must, my Prince, we will always love you Loki," she closed her eyes, "BOTH of us" she added, preparing for the final blow. 

He looked from the knife tip up at her sharply as if seeing her for the first time.