Chapter Seven

'Just like the tower we never built, in the shadow of all the guilt, when the other hand was pointed at you'

Sam looked down at sleeping Abel thinking of all the things that have happened in the past 7 months. Jackson moved out and was staying with Opie, she felt terrible for pushing him away like she did but he didn't understand what she was going through. After she found out she was no longer able to bear children again it put Sam into a deep dark place, her and Jax would argue daily about anything and everything. Just Jax looking at her the wrong way would set her off. Finally Jax had given up and packed his things when Sam was at the store. He felt terrible for leaving but he needed space, he tried to convince Sam to see a therapist but she refused. He wanted to be there for his wife but she turned into someone he couldn't look at anymore. She was down right nasty to him if he was late picking up the kids or if he got busy and couldn't come see the kids. He reminded her daily that he still loved her but she needed to get help. But she was still refusing.

Sam walked down the hallway when she felt her phone vibrate. Jax was supposedly in Indian Hills for the night and couldn't come see the kids.Jax: how's the kiddos?Sam: sleeping.Jax:how are you doingSam:fucking fantastic JacksonJax: I said I was sorry I couldn't make it, you know I want to be thereSam:if you wanted to be here you'd be here. Go find a croweater Jax Jax:babe I'm not here for pussy. I promise. We need to talk when I get homeSam: fine. We can talk so you can sign the divorce papers when you get backJax: I'm not signing them were not getting a divorce. I love youSam chose not to answer back. She couldn't be married to him anymore. She failed him as a wife and mother, there was no way she could do that to him anymore. Sam looked at herself in the mirror in her room. The scar on her neck was healing slowly as was her scar from surgery after Abel. She wished things were different she wanted her husband home but she knew it was because of her that he wasnt. She should of never accused him of sleeping with a croweater cause maybe he would of never left. She loved Jax more then anything in the world besides her children but she couldn't bring herslef to go to a therapy session. She jumped when she heard a small knock on the door. She walked down the hallway and opened the door to see Gemma

"lets talk" gemma said. 'Here we go again' sam thought as she followed gemma into the kitchen

"im not in the mood to talk gem" she said sitting down

"i dont care what you want honey this is a woman to woman talk. You and Jackson need to kiss and make up. This is bullshit. If i have to drag your scrawny ass to therapy everyday then i will. Im not my son i wont put up with it anymore. You have put him through hell in the past 5 years. You split cause you got pregnant causing him so much pain and then you drag him back into your life and you pushed him away im tired of it" Gemma said sternly. "Ge--" sam began

"dont you dare gemma me. Your a adult now not a child youve grown up but the way yout acting is like a selfish child. You know damn well Jackson will do whatever you want whenever you want. But you are too fucking blind to see that. You wanna leave? Then leave but ill be damned your going to take those babies away from me. So you got two choices either you take the easy road or the hard road. And i dont think you want to go down the hard road Sam" Gemma said

She lit up a ciggerette as she waited for Sam to respond

"Fine ill go to therapy. Happy now?" Sam said standing up and storming to her room and closing the door. Gemma quietly checked on Harley and Abel and heard muffled cries coming from Sams room. She pulled out her phone and sent a text as she walked outGemma: its done. It workedJax: thanks ma

The next morning Sam stood infront of the mirror ready for her therapy appointment when she heard the roar of Jaxs bike come up the road

"daddys here!!" Harely yelled as she ran to the window to watch him pull in. Jax walked in the house and got nearly tackled by Harley

"daddy i missed you" she said hugging him so tight

"i did too baby" jax said

"mommys in her room and abel is sleeping still" harley said

"ok baby why dont you watch cartoons and ill make you breakfast soon" jax said turning on the tv

He walked down the hall and slowly walked in "hey" Jax said stuffing his hands in his pockets

"hey" Sam said turning to look at him. Jax hadn't seen Sam in a few weeks she lost alot of weight

"you ok?" Jax asked

"considering your mother threatened me last night I've been better" Sam said

"I'm sorry about that seems gemma is the only one to get through to anyone lately. I'm here to hang with the kids for the day if that's ok?" Jax said

"yeah its ok. Abel should be getting up soon his foods in the cabinet next to the fridge" Sam said

"I know where it is babe" Jax said

"right" she said she went to walk by him but he stepped in front of her wrapping his arms around her

"I don't want to lose you babe" Jax said

"I know. I've gotta go" Sam said walking past Jax

"Jax." Sam said with her back to him "yea" he said

"don't give up on me" she said trying to choke back tears "I never will Sam" he said.

Sam's therapy session went better then she expected. All the weight she's been carrying felt like it was lifted. Her therapist asked her to talk to Jax and explain everything that was going on inside her head so he can understand. She had already arranged for gemma to take the kids so her and Jax can talk. While she was gone Jax picked up the house for her and did a few loads of laundry. Sam always took care of these things but it seemed while he was gone she stopped caring. He felt terrible for leaving like he did but he needed his time to figure out what he needed to do for his family. Sam constantly was accusing him of cheating but he never did. He made a vow to her. She was his wife, granted when she was gone for all those years he had slept with countless women but they didn't mean anything to him like Sam did. Sam,Harley and Abel were his life. Gemma had already came to get the kids and Jax had lunch ready for Sam when she got home. She walked in the door to see Jax sitting at the table smoking

"I made lunch for you" Jax smiled Sam sat down to look at her sandwich and she laughed

"its peanut butter and jelly Jax" she laughed. Jax hadn't seen her smile in months

"I'm just kidding. That was Harley's my mom got here before she could eat" Jax laughed

"so really what's lunch?" Sam asked

"there's burgers on the grill" Jax said standing up and walking out the back door to the porch. they ate in silence

"how was your appointment?" Jax asked cleaning up

"it went good. got alot of shit off my chest" sam said putting the clean dishes away

"you know you can always talk to me sam" jax said looking into her eyes

"no i cant jax. you dont get it no one gets it" she said slamming her hand down on the counter

"sam you blame me. your mad at me but why? what did i do besides protect you" jax said

"you did anything but protect me jackson" she said

"the hell i did sam. i searched for hours for you. i found you lifeless on the god damn bed do you have any idea what that felt like? watching my wife practically dead infront of me?" jax said raising his voice

"youve put me through the ringer. accusing me and shit. christ sam your my wife you gave birth to my children why would i go and sleep with someone else?" jax said

"because thats what you do jax. apperently im not the best wife huh? guess i cant handle the club shit maybe i should just go this isnt working anymore jax. the fire isnt there anymore. its dead our marrige is dead" sam said looking at him

Sam could see the tears well up in his eyes

"dont say that sam. what we have isnt dead. its just put on hold. youve got alot of personal shit going on and im trying to give you space but your pushing me farther and farther away. you think you not being able to have more kids is my fault well its not. its not your fault it was the hand you were dealt. now fucking deal with it." Jax said

Sam stood there. not being able to speak. "Samantha i love you ive always loved you thats why i married you for christ sakes. if i didnt love you i wouldnt be standing here in our house trying to prove that i need you in my life" jax said stepping closer to her and cupping her face with his hands

"i love you jax. always have but this isnt where i wanted our life but your right this is my hand that was dealt and ill deal with it im going to lay down" sam said turning around and walking away. jax punched the cabinet so hard it broke

Jax went and sat on the couch not sure what to do anymore. He loved Sam with all his heart but letting her go would break him again he couldn't stand the thought of her leaving him again. Sam came out of the bedroom and sat down next to Jax. She had an envelope in her hand. She handed it to him and walked back into the bedroom and turned the shower on. Jax looked at the blank envelope and opened it. Not sure on what he was about to read

My dearest Jackson,There's a few reasons why I have been acting the way I have been. Its not easy dealing with the things I have been the past year between the attacks and learning I can no longer bear children. Its taking a serious toll on my mind and body. But there is something else that i need to tell you and i havent quite figured out how to say it out loud so here i sit and write. I cant be near you when you read this becasue i cant see your reaction. So here it goes. Before i had Abel i went to the doctors and had a few tests done thats when everything started going shitty with us. After extensive tests they revealed i have stage 3 lung cancer. The hair i have is fake its a wig. I wasnt sure how to tell you to begin with and then after i had Abel i couldnt tell you. No matter what came out of my mouth it wasnt what you needed to know. I wasnt going to tell you i was planning on just leaving and never coming back but i couldnt do that to you or our children. My end is near jackson the doctors told me i dont have much longer. It could be a month to a year we wont know until my symptoms get worse. Im so sorry Jax i didnt want to hurt you. This isnt where i wanred us to be. I used my feelings towards you to mask my feelings towards myself. I love you with all of my heart,mind, body and soul Jax. I wish it were different but its not. Just please dont let our children forget me when im gone. Tell them all about me everyday. They are a part of me. Dont ever let them go Jax. Keep Harley in line and Abel dont let him follow your footsteps please Jax hes my baby boy keep him innocent. I love you Jax. Remember that.

Sam.

Jax wiped the tears from his eyes. His wife had cancer.