Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Kellin's P.O.V.

I don't know where I stand in all of this. Vic has been a total wreck, regularly visiting Jaime and spacing out so much it's a bit overwhelming. My house is now no longer my house, and my father will be expecting me to come live with him soon. But how can I? I still desperately need to know why my mother just up and left like that, it was so unorganized and out of the blue. I just don't know what's going to become of me if I keep going on like this. I'm not lying to the people around me about how I feel, it's just tweaking the truth up a bit. Right? I keep scribbling down notes to people explaining how I feel and why, but they always end up right in the trash, wadded into an unremarkable blob.

So lately, I've spent my free time sprawled on Matty's couch in the basement or comforting Vic, though that just seems to bring me down more. Seeing him crushed like this breaks me into pieces, and all I want is to see him happy. Because I wish to be happy, and though I'm trying my hardest, my main happiness has been a small snap back wearing guy who just can't seem to pick himself up again. It hurts to see him like this.

The other thing that has been on my mind quite a lot lately is the fact that I am going back to live with my father, and I'm just not prepared for that. He's never truly accepted me, and he never will. Sure, he provides the essentials, but he doesn't sit and listen. Come to think of it, neither did my mother. Sometimes she would take the time to hear me out, but it was not often. So I clung to those moments like a lost puppy. Because essentially, that is what I am.

That brings me back to my most recent question. Where do I stand in this mess? I feel like an intruder amongst the grieving friends and family of Jaime and I still don't understand why and how Vic started to trust me so quickly. Maybe it just feels quick to me and not him, but I have the feeling I'll never know.

I don't want to hurt anyone. Because if I do, that will be the end of my time to try to make things right. I'll shut everyone out and run away from my problems, cutting myself off from everything and everyone I know. I'll start fresh, make new friends and do something crazy. But in the end, I'll regret not making things right and end up screwing everything up again. I'm a complete failure.

I can almost hear the loud applauding for my fantastic showcase of self pity. I roll over on the couch, burying my face into the cushion, trying to muffle the thoughts slamming around inside my head. Everything I try is futile, so I end up yelling in frustration and playing video games until my fingers are sore.

I really don't want to deal with school either, especially prom. I don't want to see Jenna alone and I don't want to be surrounded by the smiling faces of people who are finally going out into the real world. The thing that they don't know is that the real world sucks. It's a spinning ball of hurt and hatred, an accusatory atmosphere with nothing to pick on but the lost humans below. Every single living thing is put down with words and actions, and no body ever seems to notice until it's too late. And sometimes the worst thing is how brainwashed all these people are, going about their routine without question. Don't they ever wonder why so many people around them are crying, dying, trying? No. Society wound itself into their brains, making them only think about money and theirselves.

I frustratedly jam at the buttons on the controller, dodging missiles and bullets. Sometimes, getting lost into something like this is a good escape. It takes you away from your reality into somebody else's, but you're just a spectator. That's all fun and games I suppose, but it would be terrible if I was a character in this game. I would be dead in seconds.

I eventually give up on this game and walk up the stairs. Matty isn't home and neither are his parents, so I grab a bite to eat and walk out the door. I don't know exactly where I'm going. I could go to Vic's, but the more I think of it, the more I feel it's best that we're alone for a little while. It gives us both time to think. So I drive around, blindly going somewhere without a single notion of where I'll end up. I watch the streetlights flash red, green and yellow, passing other cars and drivers who all have a destination in mind. I wish I knew where I am going.

I finally stop somewhere familiar. The Rock. There seems to be something going on here, there is quite a lot of people. I don't mind though. I'll just lounge further away and enjoy the silence of the oncoming night. The buzz of voices doesn't bother me much either as I get out of the car and find somewhere to sit where I can be alone. 

I lean my head back against the grafitti splashed wall by the play ground. It's quite silent over here, and I close my eyes, enjoying the cool breeze brushing against my skin. I take in a deep breath of the smog filled air, but I tell myself it's fresh air and go with it. I erase the negative thoughts from my mind, and though it's difficult, I manage to put myself in a temporary peace. I need this badly, I need to calm my nerves and all that anxiety of leaving. I sigh, liking this feeling of serenity.

But all temporary things fade. A voice shatters the silence and brings me back into reality. A boy a little younger than I am is standing in front of me with his hands stuffed into his pockets. His light brown hair is pushed over to the side and his blue eyes look over me curiously.

"You look lonely." He states, coming to sit beside me without a single invitation.

"Yeah, that was sort of the point." I retort, trying to get the message to him, but he just shrugs.

"Not anymore." He sticks out a hand, which I take. "The name's Justin." 

"Kellin." I say and he grins. 

"So, what's up?" Justin asks me, and I'm a little surprised at how comfortable he seems talking to me. I don't even know the kid and he's treating me like a friend. To be honest, that's a nice feeling. 

"Uh, not much really." I answer and he nods. "Just hanging around. You?" 

Justin rolls his eyes. "My stupid friends, that's what. I mean, I don't mind them dragging me around, but seriously." His eyes rest on a girl sitting on a bench, looking lost. "Not again!" He says, throwing his hands up in frustration. "That's my little sister Ivory. I told her to stay at home." Justin sighs as the girl, Ivory, spots him and excitedly runs over.

"Hi Justin!" She says and then looks over at me. "Who's this?" She asks. 

"I'm Kellin." I say and she waves at me. I wave back and Justin smirks. 

"Ivory, I told you stay home." Justin says as Ivory continues to stand there. 

Ivory puts her hands on her hips. "You can't tell me what to do!" Justin groans and gets up, brushing his pants off. 

"Yeah I can. Come on, we're going home." He says, beginning to direct her away from The Rock.

"But I just got here!" She complains, trying to fight him off but he continues to push her away. He glances over his shoulder at me and gives me a little wave. 

"See you around." He calls and I nod at him. He's a nice kid, and I smile. Nobody ever just comes up to me and talks to me so freely. I wish there were more people like that. But you can't have everything unfortunately. 

I check the time and decide I should head back to Matty's. My heart feels a little lighter than before, and I think I'll sleep through the night much better. I guess it was a good idea to come out here. I think about Vic and how something like this would be so good for him, but he's so stubborn. I know he wants to stay with Jaime 24/7, but it's a good thing to cool down every once and a while. I think I'll tell him this tomorrow. Fingers crossed that he'll listen. 

I drive back to Matty's house, smiling to myself. Maybe things will get better.

A/N: Listening to Sleeping With Sirens while writing this. I've been reading way too much fanfiction too, holy crap. But it's fun, so who cares. I'll write the next chapter right after I get back from camping. 

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Peace, Love and Chicken Grease

Rebeka >;P