Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Vic's P.O.V.

My hand trembles, causing the razor blade in my hand to crash to the ground. My skin pulsates with pain, numbing the emotional whirlwind in my head. I stare at the welling blood, watch some of the beads roll across my skin, sparkling like rubies. I don't even try to stop the fresh cuts from bleeding, don't try to cover them up as I fall to my knees and curl up in the corner. The numbness that it brings me calms my mind, and I lean my head back to stare at the ceiling.

I try to stay strong, I really do. But I know me, and I know that I crumble fast. I didn't want to go down this road, because it would just add more pain to the ever growing pile, and the people around me would just become more and more stressed. I couldn't help myself. I just couldn't...

Every noise makes me jump. The walls creak in the wind and I thought I heard the floorboards creak outside the door. Why am I suddenly so afraid that somebody is going to find me like this? It's pitiful really, but I hurt. It hurts so much and I want it to stop.

Why do I constantly blame myself for what happened? I know it's my fault. It has to be. Everything I've done to cause Jaime pain just set the ball rolling. I'm the disaster that started this chain reaction.

1. Kellin finding out about my self harm2. Agreeing to talk to him3. Ignoring Jaime4. Getting caught up in my own problems 5. Jumping into a relationship6. Ignoring Jaime7. The accident

7 measly little reasons. I'm such a fuck up, sitting here moping in the corner and listing all the reasons why I am a fuck up. Which makes me even more of a fuck up.

That's when the door opens. I want it to be Jaime, I'm hoping it's Jaime. But of course not. If he had woken up, Jenna would have called me, same with his parents. Then I think it's Kellin, but I know he's probably preparing to go to his father's house. So the person standing there is just someone I live with.

"Holy fuck, Vic!" Mike runs over to me. I know how I said that only Jaime and Kellin know about my self harming issues, but sometimes I get the feeling that Mike has caught on. He's never said anything about it, but maybe he's known for a long time. "Jesus fucking christ, you idiot!" Mike is grabbing tissues from the tissue box and trying to clean up the already drying blood. I let him.

We don't say anything as I watch my brother run around looking for something to cover the wounds with. I suddenly feel grateful to have such a great brother. Sure, all little brothers can be annoying as hell, but in the end, they're one of the best friends you can have.

After he finds something to cover up the cuts, he slides down the wall to sit beside me. I wrap the cloth around my wrists, causing the cuts to sting and throb.

"Can I just ask why?" Mike asks after a while. I don't know how to answer this question properly.

Finally, I settle on, "I suck." Mike nods, knowing that that's all I can say. He wraps an arm reassuringly around my shoulder. This should be the opposite. This should be me comforting my little brother for something like his first break up. But I do feel grateful.

"Jaime's going to be okay." Mike attempts. I hope he's right.

***

I don't go to school the next day. I can't bring myself to. I know, it's super close to the end, but I guess that's sort of the point. Might as well miss a few days.

I'm contemplating whether I should go visit Jaime. I know Mike said to stay put, just stay at home. I have the whole day to myself though, and the only thing I can think about is visiting Jaime and seeing if he's okay. I know Jenna and the Preciados have been with him a lot lately, so I don't need to worry too much. That's the thing though. I keep worrying.

The other thing I can't stop thinking about is Kellin. This whole situation is messed up. He's going to live with his father full time and we barely ever act like a proper couple because there is constantly new problems popping up. So I just want to spend time with him as much as possible.

I'm just so sick and tired of these problems! Nothing is going anywhere. I feel like I'm stuck in the same motion, going over the same routine of worrying and stressing. Yesterday was a result of that, and I don't want to think about it. I was clean for a pretty long time. 

So how did I end up here? How did all of this end up where it is right now? 

I wish someone knew.

A/N: I'm baaaaaack! I'm having serious writers block, this is not good. 

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Peace, Love and Chicken Grease

Rebeka >;P