Chapter 37 - Indifference

I sit in the passenger seat of the Tuscan as Rick drives away from the prison. We're going out on a supply run to look for more supplies, medicine mostly while we wait for the others to return. I'm not stupid though, I know Rick is bringing me because he wants to talk about what happened. Hell, maybe because he's afraid I may kill someone else.

"Maggie wanted to come you know?" I say after awhile, breaking the silence and tension in the car.

"Someone had to stay back. Watch over things." He states.

"Someone you trust you mean." I murmur, looking at the trees speeding past, "They would have drowned in their own blood. They were suffering, I made it quick."

I glance down at my leg as I think, "We needed the bodies gone, we needed to stop it from spreading. They were the only ones who were sick. They were a threat. I was trying to save lives, I had to try. Somebody had too."

"Maybe." He murmurs, his eyes not leaving the road.

I look over at him for a moment before turning back to look out at the scenery, wanting this whole trip to be over already.

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We pull up behind a dirty car in an abandoned cul de sac before getting out and grabbing our backpacks from the back of the car. We walk forward and notice writing on the window, 'Pardon Our Dust'. Rick opens up the front car door cautiously and I open the back and see that it looks lived in, "You think they're coming back?"

"The windshields clean, wiped down. Can't have been here more than a day, maybe two." He explains as I glance over the supplies in the back seat.

"This is about Daryl and the others right, just in case they don't..." I trail off, unable to finish the sentence.

"Until they do." He clarifies, "That's what this is. Medicine cabinets, first aid kits. Anything that can help Hershel. We get in, we get out. And if we can eat it, we take it."

I nod my head and follow his lead, walking towards the first house on the block. I pull out my gun and hold it ready to shoot as he slowly opens the front door to the house. We sneak in and I quietly shut the door behind us. We take a quick look around before Rick walks to the bathroom and begins to search through the bathroom cabinet.

I stand in the hallway and keep an eye out but there doesn't seem to be anything there until suddenly I hear a growling coming from up the stairs. I turn just in time to see the walker fall down the stairs and feel myself being pulled back, "Bree!"

The walkers falls to a heap on the ground and Rick steadies me before I walk forward and kill it with my knife. I look at its rotten face and screw my nose up in disgust when I hear a door opening from up the stairs. I slowly rise to my feet as Rick aims his gun towards the top of the stairs. The door opens slowly and then two people walk out.

The young boy looks at us as he raises his hands, "Woah, woah it's cool."

"We have fruit." The girl says, holding two pieces of fruit out in her hands.

"Yeah we got apricots, peaches. Here catch." He says, tossing one of the fruits down to us.

It bounces off the step and lands on the walker and we both glance at it before looking back up to the twenty somethings, "Or you know, don't." He says, trying to lighten up the situation.

Rick keeps his gun aimed before glancing back at me and I nod my head. He lowers his gun and turns to them, "Why don't you come on down? Slowly." He instructs.

They nod their heads and begin to come down the stairs. The guy begins to favour his right shoulder and my eyebrows scrunch together, "What's wrong?"

He looks at his arm before turning back to me, "I hurt it."

I glance at Rick before turning back to him, "Come sit down and I'll take a look at it."

I turn and make my way into the kitchen and they follow in after me, Rick's eyes never leaving them. The boy takes a seat on a dining chair and I turn to him, "Take the jacket off."

He nods and takes it off with the help of his friend and I see that it is severely bruised and bloody, looking completely painful. I do a quick inspection over it and see a cut and I notice that it is dislocated.

"How'd this happen?" I ask.

"Greenhouse around the corner." He states.

"We were looking for a place to crash, the roofs broken out and it's been getting rain. It's full of fruit. We were there about a day then the skin eaters showed up." The girl explains.

The boy laughs, "Kill joys man, jacking it up for the whole world. Man I thought everyone was an asshole before all this went down. Now I love people. You know, people that are alive."

"How'd it happen?" I ask.

"They were coming in through the door. I like tripped, going out the other side. Pulled the glass out but, my shoulder. It still hurts like a bitch." He says, touching it tenderly.

"It's dislocated." I inform him, very old memories coming back.

"Can you fix it?" The girl asks.

I think back to one of the times I came home from Dean's house and my Mom had to help me pop my shoulder back in. Luckily Daryl and Merle were away on a hunting trip during that time so that didn't find out about it.

I look at the table before turning to him, "Lay on your back." I say, pulling everything off of the table to make it clear.

He gets up and proceeds to lay on his back and I move the chair out of the way, "Okay, scooch over to the edge and outdraw your arm." I say, grabbing the bag of fruit off of the floor.

The girl steps forward and holds his head and I place the back of fruit in his hand, "I need you to hold this bag. Keep holding on."

He grunts in pain and all I can see is myself on the table. I shake away the thought and grip his arm, beginning to move it back.

"Ah! That hurts." He cries.

"Just keep holding." I say, moving forward.

"I can't. I can't!" He cries out in agony, "Keep holding." I say.

I keep moving the arm forward and he begins to really cry out and all I can see in my mind is my mother in the same position as I am, me in his. His cries sound like mine until eventually I hear his shoulder pop back in. He lets out loud, relieved breaths as I take the bag out of his hand. He sits up and proceeds to move it around normally and he smiles widely.

"It's gonna be sore for a few days." I say, beginning to clean up his arm.

"After the greenhouse, you came here?" Rick asks.

"Yeah. We thought it was clear. We missed the dead one in the pjs so we dove into the bathroom." He says.

"How long were you out there before we showed up?" Rick asks.

"Like two days." The girl says.

"It was just one, you had guns." I say, confused as to why they're hiding in the bathroom as opposed to taking down the walker.

"We have about twelve bullets and it usually takes us about five or six to bring one of them down." She says, causing a laugh from him.

"But you have knives." I say.

"What to stab it in the head?" He says and I nod my head, "Yeah."

"We got separated from our crew about a week ago. Been trying to play it safe since it's just the two of us." He says.

"I have to with my leg. We were at a refugee centre together and there was a fire, people were just trampling over me." She explains and I glance down to see her leg pretty banged up.

"Assholes." He says as I notice the tattoo on her skin.

"Sam saved my life, we didn't know each other before. It didn't heal right, but it healed. Then we found each other, it was worth it." She says, looking at him lovingly.

"Where are you headed next?" Rick asks.

"We just keep moving, we've been waiting for places to go bad. I mean, it's getting a little old." He says, gesturing to his shoulder.

"You guys look alright. What's your set up like?" The girl asks, looking between the two of us.

"The skin eaters? We call them walkers." Rick says, walking forward. He glances over at me before turning to them, "How many have you killed?"

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I grab the bag of fruit as well as some other things from the kitchen before walking back out towards the dining room, "We've got about all we can get here. We should move on."

"So do we pass your test?" The boy asks.

Rick and I exchange a look before I begin to pack everything into my backpack. Rick stands up and faces them, "We're in a prison, eighteen miles north. You come back with us we can't guarantee your safety. There's an illness, a flu that..."

I sling on the bag, "We've lost a lot, kids too."

"Yours?" The girl asks.

I shake my head, "I don't have children. But those I care about are in there."

"You've got fences and walls?" The boy asks.

We both nod our heads a smile breaks over his face, "We're in."

"Yeah, whatever you need us to do." The girl says in agreement.

"For now, sit tight. The two of us will circle back for you before dark." Rick says, putting on his back pack.

"You could help us sweep the rest of this neighbourhood?" I suggest.

They both nod and the girl steps forward, "We could do that. I can check the greenhouse and see if it's clear. Bring back more fruit."

"And I can hit some of the houses." The boy adds.

"It's nice of you to offer, but your shoulders barely-" Rick begins but the boy cuts him off, "As long as I don't put too much weight on this arm, I'm good."

"And I can still move pretty fast." The girl explains.

"Yeah, but I just don't think-" Rick begins again when he gets cut off once more, "We won't take any chances. We'll look and if cake we'll do it, if not we'll roll. I mean you don't look so good yourself man." He says, gesturing to Rick's bandaged hand, "Are you a rightie or a leftie?"

I glance over at Rick, "We'll cover more ground. Sooner we get back."

"You can't carry us man, it doesn't work that way." The guy says and the girl steps forward, "Please, we wanna help."

Rick turns and walks over to the guns before turning and handing them to them, "You fire a shot, we'll come running. We'll meet back here in two hours."

Rick looks at them before taking off his watch and handing it to them, "You'll need this."

They take it and nod, "Two hours."

We all nod and Rick turns and makes his way over towards me, "Come on."

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I rummage through a chest of draws as Rick looks through the bathroom cabinet in the ensuite adjacent.

"It's all expired by at least a year." I mutter frustratedly as I look at the medications.

"Better to take it, let Hershel decide what he needs." Rick states.

I shut the draw and get to my feet, grabbing the medications and walking over to the back pack before walking over to other draws.

"Did you think it was right?" Rick asks, "Letting those kids come back with us?"

"I think it was the humane thing to do." I say and rifle through the men's underwear, finding nothing of use.

"But did you think it was right?" Rick asks.

"Look at us, digging through drawers hoping that a couple of cough drops and disinfectant might make a difference between dying and living a couple more hours. If they're strong enough to help us survive this then yeah I think you made the right call." I say, tossing some cough drops over to the pile on the bed.

"And if they're not?" Rick asks.

"Let's hope they are." I say, turning back to look at him.

He looks at me for a long moment before turning back to the cabinet. I feel it like a big elephant in the room and I decide to address it, "Rick, I killed two people and you haven't said a word about it." I say, placing my hands on my hips.

"What do you want me to say?" He asks, turning back to look at me.

"It's not about what you say, it's about facing reality. It always comes for us and over and over again we face it so that we can live." I state.

"So that we can live." He says.

"That's right, that's what it always comes down too. You can be a farmer Rick, you can't just be a farmer." I say and I know that I've hit a nerve as he turns back and pins me with his eyes.

I walk around the bed and kneel down in front of him, looking him in the eye, "You were a good leader, better than most people gave you credit for."

"I never murdered two of our own." He says as he shakes his head.

"Just one." I say.

"He was gonna kill me." Rick defends himself.

"So we're they. They were going to kill all of us." I counter.

"You don't know that." He says.

"If you thought it would save Judith or Carl would you have done it then or gone back to your crops and hoped that it would all be okay?" I say and I see his face falter, "You don't have to like what I did Rick, I sure as hell don't. But you just have to accept it."

I look at him for a moment more before getting to my feet and walking back over to others draws to finish looking. I don't hear him move for a while and hopefully my words have gotten to him. Ever since it has happened I have felt nothing but pain and guilt. But I'm not sorry I did, I won't ever be. They needed to die in order for us to live. I'm not going to apologise for it.

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"Let's look at the houses across the street." I say as we walk along the backyard of one of the properties.

"Hold on." Rick says, turning off to the side.

He walks over an kneels down in front of a plant, taking his bag off and picking the tomatoes off of the bush and I begin to help him.

"How you put his shoulder back before, you learnt that from Hershel?" He asks, looking up at me.

I sit there for a moment before looking at him, "Internet."

He glances over at me with a confused look and I shake my head, "I had an abusive ex-boyfriend that liked to use me as a punching back after he got high."

He looks at me with wide eyes for a moment before he speaks, "Did Daryl know?" He asks.

I scoff bitterly, "No, I got pretty good at hiding it all. Lasted for a few months until one day Dean didn't try to hide it."

"What happened?" Rick asks.

I think back to the day Merle and Daryl went to attack Dean and all the shit that happened after it and I shake my head, "Merle and Daryl did what Merle and Daryl always do, they protected me."

He remains quiet for a moment before glancing down, "I'm sorry."

I shrug my shoulders, "It's not your fault You weren't the one who dated a guy to hide the fact that you were in love with your best friend." I say, picking more tomatoes.

"It was always Daryl huh?" He asks.

I smile as I think of my beautiful man and nod my head, "Yeah, it was always Daryl. But before him it was Dean, he was so good to begin with. The perfect boyfriend, but like most small town popular boys, he turned to the drugs and lost his charm. I had to convince myself that I was happy with him, I mostly did because I hated that the other side of my bed was cold. He was a distraction away from the hurt of loving someone who doesn't love you back. God I was naive back then, but that's someone else's slideshow. I'm different now, better. If I was the girl I was today back then, he would have died in a prison cell. Now? God I don't even want to think about it."

I glance over at him and see him staring at me and I shake my head, "Sorry, I didn't mean to get into all that."

He looks at me for a moment before a sad smile comes to his face, "Sometimes I still wake up half expecting Lori to be there. Reminding me to pick up Carl after school, or telling me breakfast is ready." He says as he walks over to the other bush at the back.

I get to my feet and walk over with the plastic bag as he continues, "Every Sunday she'd make us these pancakes that were just... God awful." He says and we both let out a laugh.

"Lumps of flour that weren't mixed in right. Thing was, she knew it was bad." He says and I smile down at him, "Why'd she keep at it?"

"She wanted us to be the kind of family that ate pancakes on Sunday." He says sadly.

My smiles drops and I nod my head. He gets to his feet and we walk back over to the bags and put the food in before making our way back out onto the street. As we reach the edge of the property our eyes land on basket spilled over with fruit surrounding it. We walk forward cautiously towards the fence, Rick pushing open the gate. I let out a sad sigh as I see a leg, the familiar tattoo from the girl on display. We look further forward and see walkers hunched over a body, her body.

We both stare at it for a moment before I look down at the ground, "We should get back, He's probably waiting." I turn and begin to walk back towards the house with a heavy heart. But it doesn't surprise me, she wasn't strong. She wasn't going to make it in this world. I lift my head and continue forward, wanting to get back as soon as possible to help those at the prison.

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I sit at the dining room table as Rick taps his gun impatiently as we wait for the boy. It's beginning to get dark outside and I turn and glance over at Rick, "It's been too long."

"We should give him a couple more." Rick says, his eyes focused out the window.

"He might be fine, he really might be." I say. He doesn't say anything and I get to my feet, walking over towards him, "But it doesn't matter, because he's not here and we have to go."

He looks over at me and I sigh, "It was a nice watch."

I reach over and grab my bag before beginning to grab the bags of fruit. Rick waits for a moment before grabbing his bag and grabbing something else before we make our way out towards the car. Rick opens up the car and I begin to pack things into the back and he walks around to the front. I begin to sort it out, putting it all into its piles as Rick comes back. I turn and go to open the car door when I find its locked.

I glance at it confused before turning to Rick, him looking at me with a hard expression, "They might have lived. Karen and David, they might have lived and know they're dead. That wasn't your decision to make."

My hand drops from the handle and I feel a weird feeling overcome me as he continues to speak, "When Tyreese finds out... He'll kill you. He damn near killed me over nothing."

"I can handle Tyreese." I say.

"When the others find out, they won't want you there. And if they don't make it back? If everybody dies and it's just the two of us... With Judith and Carl... My, my children... I won't have you there." He says.

I feel like my heart is breaking into a million pieces as his words sink in. Tears form in the corner of my eyes as I look at him, "Rick, it's me... No one else has to know. I thought you were done making decisions."

He shakes his head, "I'm making this decision for me."

A tear slides down my face, "I could have pretended that everything was gonna be fine..." I trail off as tears cut off my vision. I shake my head and wipe at my eyes before I look back at him, "But I didn't. I did something, I stepped up. I had to do something."

He shakes his head, "No, you didn't."

"If you think I'm going anywhere without Daryl-" I begin but he cuts me off, "You want him to leave? To go out there with you? You've seen it yourself, he can't leave this place, not even for his own brother. What makes you think he'd do it for you?"

His words are like a slap in the face, hard and brutal. I try and plead with him, "You can't do this."

"He can take care of himself." He remains quiet before looking me in the eye, "You're not that woman who is too scared to be alone anymore. You're gonna start over and find others. People who don't know and you're gonna survive out here. You will."

I shrug my shoulders, "Maybe." I say weakly.

He turns and walks to the back of the car and grabs out my back pack, tossing it to the ground. As I see him staring at me I know there's no point in trying to fight this. I let out a weak breath before I walk forward and grab the back pack.

"Take the car in front of us and some of the supplies. Fill it up with some of the gas."

I nod my head before turning and walking to the car, grabbing the keys from the ignition. I quickly walk back and open the trunk as Rick comes and hands me the gas. I toss the bag in and begin to fill up the car as he puts supplies in the trunk. I put the fuel cap back on and go to hand him the fuel but he shakes his head, "Take it."

I look at him before turning and put it in the back of trunk, closing it up. I walk around to go get into the front when I feel some pressure in my pants pocket. I reach in and pull out the watch, the I've had since the beginning.

I turn and hold it out to him, "This was my Mom's watch, I got it off of her after she died."

He just looks at it and sigh, "Please."

He looks at me before taking it and I take a deep breath before looking him in the eye, "Rick?"

"Yeah?"

"When he gets back... Tell Daryl I love him... And that I'm sorry." I say, feeling my heart break.

He looks at me for a long moment before nodding his head. I nod and turn, quickly climbing into the car and starting it up. I pull away from the curb and begin to drive away. I can't even bare to look in the rear view mirror and I barely make it out of the cul de sac before tears stream down my face. This is it, I'm never going to see anyone again.

Images of Daryl come to mind, stolen kisses, whispered conversations, confessions of love. I let out a gut wrenching sob as tears blur my vision. We made a promise, always. Now I'm being forced to break that promise. He's going to be so angry, he'll want to leave. But Rick is right, the prison is his home. And being out here is dangerous. And it's in that moment I make the most heart breaking decision I've ever made. I'm leaving him behind, to let him live out the best life he can in this world. He deserves to be safe and happy. He'll forget me and as much as it hurts to say it, I hope he does.

I look at the road and continue driving on my road to nowhere. This is the beginning of the end for me, I just gotta live it day by day and wait until my time finally comes. For my sake, I hope that it's sooner rather than later.