tears you won't let fall - Alexia Putellas

Summary: Alexia wants Y/n to open up, to be vulnerable, but Y/n can't seem to do it.

..

Y/n wasn't very expressive with her emotions. She never had been.

Not when she was a kid riding her bike and fell face-first onto the pavement. Not when she was playing football and one of the bigger kids shoved her against the goalpost.

She didn't cry then.

She didn't cry later, either.

Not when her first girlfriend broke up with her. Not when she got injured and had to stay off the pitch for five long months.

Not even when she and Alexia argued, something that, lately, was happening more often than she would like. And somehow, that was the part that seemed to bother Alexia most.

Y/n was sitting on the sofa, he rback against the cushions, staring ahead while Alexia paced in front of her, arms crossed tightly.

The fight they were having was ridiculous; it had started over something small, a flicker of jealousy, but it had spiralled, like it always did, into something much bigger, thanks to Alexia.

Alexia and Y/n had been dating for a year now. Their teammates and close friends knew.

The world didn't.

Alexia was calculated when it came to Y/n, especially when cameras were involved.

To anyone watching them in the locker room, they looked like just teammates. Maybe not even friends. Alexia kept her distance like it was part of some strategy plan.

She was calculated about it...cold even.

Y/n didn't mind. She wasn't one for big displays of affection. She didn't need to be paraded around to know she was loved. Alexia always made sure she felt it... just not publicly.

So, Yn was very much surprised when Alexia and Jenni Hermoso - her ex – stood side by side on the red carpet, fingers laced, smiling brightly while photographers snapped away like it was the most natural thing in the world.

Lika Alexia and Jenni were the ones dating, not Alexia and Y/n, but well, for them, they weren't. Alexia's smile never faltered; she held Jenni's hands, beaming at her.

Y/n didn't mind that Alexia wanted to keep their relationship private, but that didn't mean she was okay with Alexia being physical with other people.

It upset her. More than she expected. So, she did what she always did. She shut down.

Alexia had noticed immediately.

She sat beside Y/n at the event dinner table, chatting with the other Barça girls who were also at the event, but Y/n didn't even look at her. Didn't say a word. Didn't even try.

Y/n wasn't the most expressive person in the world, but Alexia could read her like a book, she had to learn how, or else their relationship wouldn't survive.

Alexia wasn't melodramatic. She wasn't even particularly fond of talking things through. But she was always honest with herself, with her feelings, and she made sure Y/n knew exactly how she felt.

Y/n didn't do the same.

When Y/n pressed her lips just a little too tightly, or started opening and closing her hand under the table, Alexia knew.

She knew something was wrong. She also knew she would spend the whole fucking night trying to pry the truth out of her.

And she was tired of that. Tired of having to guess what was going on inside her girlfriend's head.

When they left in separate cars, because 'professionalism' still mattered even after all that, Alexia was already fuming.

"Just tell me," Alexia snapped, forty minutes later, pacing in front of the sofa while Y/n sat silently. "It can't be that fucking hard!"

Y/n said nothing.

"Every time you get upset, you shut down like this," Alexia continued, running a hand through her hair. "Do you know how stressful it is to guess what you're thinking?"

Still nothing.

It was like the inexpressiveness(the silence) was a physiological reflex her body had learned over time. She wasn't quiet because she wanted to be. She was quiet because... she didn't know how not to be.

Because it felt like she had to physically force the words out. Her body just wouldn't do what she wanted. Her tongue would not move, her teeth would feel heavy, and her lips would be dry.

Y/n wasn't crying. Her eyes were heavy with unshed tears, but they stayed put as she looked at Alexia, unsure how to react. Unsure what to say.

Talking when she was upset made her feel vulnerable. It sent her anxiety spiralling. It felt like opening a door when you didn't know who was on the other side.

Alexia had never hurt her. She never said anything that made Y/n regret opening up.

And still (still) her body locked down every time. Maybe it was something from her childhood. Some old scar she had never even realised she was carrying.

Alexia let out a frustrated sigh and knelt in front of her, resting her hands on Y/n's thighs.

"Look," she said, voice softer now. "Te amo. You understand that, sí?"

Y/n nodded.

"You were upset earlier because I was with Jenni?"

Another nod.

"Okay," Alexia said, finally beginning to understand.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. They asked for those poses, for the sponsors. That's why I did it. I don't want to hold anyone's hand but yours, vale?"

Y/n's lips trembled, but she didn't cry.

"Are you still upset about the picture?" Alexia asked, her tone quieter now.

Y/n shook her head.

"Are you upset because I'm upset?"

A small nod.

Alexia let out a slow breath, her shoulders drooping slightly.

"You still don't want to talk?"

Y/n didn't answer. Instead, she glanced around, reached for a crumpled grocery list on the coffee table, and grabbed a pen.

She scribbled something down quickly and handed it to Alexia.

I can't talk. It doesn't feel good.

Alexia looked at the note for a moment, her lips pressing together before she looked back at Y/n.

"Okay," she said gently. "You'll talk when you're ready. No pressure, mi amor."

She stood, then moved to the sofa and sat down beside her.

"Can I hold you?"

Y/n nodded.

Alexia gently pulled her onto her lap. Y/n straddled her thighs, their faces just inches apart.

"I just don't understand why you shut down so badly every time we fight," Alexia said quietly.

Y/n looked at her, unsure how to explain something she didn't understand herself. Alexia reached up, cupping Y/n's jaw in her palm.

"You've got tears you won't let fall, huh?" she whispered, thumb brushing lightly over her cheek.

She looked at her for a long moment, something quiet and aching in her gaze. Then she pulled her closer. Her arms circled Y/n's waist as she leaned back into the sofa.

"Ven aquí... lay your head here, sí?" she said softly, guiding Y/n's head to her shoulder. [come here]

"I don't want you to keep everything inside like that," she murmured against her hair. "You can drown me in your emotions, I won't mind. I just want you to feel safe with me. That's all I want."

Y/n just stood there, in Alexia's embrace.

She let herself be held, let herself be soft under Alexia's touch. Her body relaxed, and her breathing evened out. It felt like peace, but inside, her chest was still heavy, still filled with the things she couldn't say.

Alexia pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "Ay, preciosa," she murmured. "Ya está, vale? Todo está bien." [It's over now, okay? Everything's alright.]

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

And then it happened: a soft, barely there sniffle. The kind that only comes when you're trying not to be heard. Alexia stilled. She didn't know if she should speak or just stay quiet and hold her tighter.

So she did the only thing that felt right. She wrapped her arms more firmly around Y/n's waist and let her cry. Her shirt slowly dampened where Y/n's face was tucked into her neck.

And even like that, even crying, Alexia could feel how much she was holding back. There was barely any sound to her crying; there was no sobbing, just the slight warmth of Y/n's tears on her shirt.

If it weren't for the wetness, Alexia might have thought she wasn't crying at all.

"I'm sorry," Y/n whispered against her shoulder, barely audible.

Alexia closed her eyes, heart twisting. She pulled Y/n in tighter, her hand gently cradling the back of her head.

"Ese," she breathed, pressing another kiss to her hair, "is my favourite sound in the world, your voice." [this]

Y/n let out a breath that trembled, but still, the smallest smile broke through her tears.

It wasn't much. But it was something.

Y/n buried her face deeper into Alexia's neck, her tears now flowing more freely. Her breath was shaky, words muffled against Alexia's skin.

"I just-I can't.... It's like..." Y/n's voice was barely a whisper, and she struggled to form the thoughts, to form the words. "I don't know why... It just... makes me feel so... confused?"

Her words trailed off, too tangled in her chest and in her throat to find their way out, as if her body and mind were a labyrinth.

Alexia could barely make out what Y/n was saying, but she didn't push her to speak more clearly.

She just held her, keeping her presence steady. She was there, and that was what mattered.

"Keep talking, preciosa," Alexia murmured, though she wasn't sure if Y/n could even hear or understand her. "I'm here. No need to rush."

Y/n continued, voice growing softer, the words slipping out between her silent cries. "It's like... when everything just builds up, and I can't... I just shut down, and then everything hurts more."

Alexia's heart tightened, though she didn't interrupt. She knew Y/n needed to say this, even if it didn't come out perfectly, even if it didn't make sense to her just yet.

"Y/n, you don't have to explain everything, just breathe."

Y/n nodded into her neck, as if hearing those words gave her just a little more room to be vulnerable.

But she didn't stop talking, and Alexia just kept her close and listened.

..

a/n: This is for us, girlies who keep everything inside. based on a fight I had with my ex <3 it ended in a break-up and not in comfort, though but it's ok.