// PRESSURE //

"I don't know Charlie!"

"What do you mean you don't know George? How could you not know?" I was shouting at him, I didn't mean to. I was angry and hurt and upset and once again Matty was the cause of all 3.

"He was really drunk, he was just talking shit, I don't know Charlie, he was shouting and breaking things and then he just got in his car and left. I couldn't stop him, but he was so drunk, he could barely walk let alone drive!"

"Ok George, don't worry. We'll find him." My voice was calm, but inside I could almost hear my heart thud, every inch of my body was tense. He was drunk and he was driving. I couldn't imagine what I'd do if anything was to happen to him.

I don't know why I was looking for him, I don't know why I cared. The boy had just broke my heart and yet I still found it in me to care for him? A part of me knew I would always care. I thought I knew what falling in love felt like, but I didn't, not even a little bit. Not until I met Matty. I knew that being in love with him was dangerous, but I never ever thought it would cause me this much pain. I got out my phone and rang him. I didn't think he would answer as George has tried ringing him so many times and he didn't answer. But he picked up on the 4th ring,

"Charlie..." His voice was a whisper,

"Matty what the fuck do you think you're doing? Is this some kind plan to get my attention? Matty I don't-"

"Charlie," he was crying now, "I'm outside your apartment, please come." I didn't answer right away, I left the silence fill the air, as it always did.

"Okay."

//

I rang George to tell him that I knew where Matty was and that he sounded fine and that I was going to meet him. I pulled up outside my flat, I saw his car parked sideways and almost in the middle of the road. I hadn't realised how tight I had been holding the steering wheel until I let go of it. My palms were sweaty and my chest felt like it was enclosing. It was raining outside and by the time I built up the courage to actually get out of my car, it was tipping down. Matty got out of his car and started to walk to mine, but I didn't want him to get into my car because I knew he wouldn't leave if I asked him too. So I got out of the car. For a while we stood within touching distance of each other, silently in the rain. We stared at each other. The longer I looked at him, the more hurt I felt,

"Why Matty? Why did you do it?" I shouted over the loudness of the rain, he didn't answer me, he continued to stare silently at me.

"I am so goddamn sick of your bull shit. How fucking dare you just stand there and say nothing. That's all there ever is with he though right Matty? Silence, just silence. You know you think because you're so fucked up you have an excuse, well you don't. I'm more fucked up than you could ever imagine but I would never ever do what you did to me and-"

"Charlie, I love you so fucking much." The rain prevented me from seeing whether he was crying or not, his eyes were squinted which also prevented me from reading how he was feeling.

"You don't Matty, you never did." He stepped closer as I stepped away and once again the silence returned. "LOOK MATTY DO YOU SEE? THE SILENCE I CAN'T FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE,"

"The silence is good, it allows us to think. And sure we have a lot of them and we argue and our relationship isn't perfect and we're not perfect but how dare you say that Charlotte. Of course I loved you, I still do! You have no idea how much I love you. You will never know how much I love you. I don't know why I did it, why would I sleep with someone who isn't you, when I have you. I am so sorry Charlotte, please forgive me." I wanted nothing more than to kiss him in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to forgive him, I wanted nothing more than to love him and him love me back, I wanted nothing more than him. But I knew that I couldn't kiss him, I couldn't forgive him, I couldn't love him the same and the thought of that brought tears to my eyes. The salty tears.I walked over to him and I hugged him, I felt his body collapse into mine, we fell to the ground and I held him. I felt his shoulders shake and his tears drop. I brushed my hands through his curly hair. He rested his forehead on mine and I felt the warmth of his breath touch my skin,

"I will always love you Charlotte,"

"I will always love you Matthew Timothy Healy." There was silence again, but this was good silence. A comforting silence.

"Good bye Matthew,"

"Good bye Charlotte,"