// YOU //

"Charlotte you look beautiful." My mother said while pulling me in for a hug.

"Charlie mum and thank you."

"And who's this?" My dad asked looking at Matty. He was stood awkwardly behind me. The cool confident guy had definitely gone for a while.

"Mum, dad, this is my boyfriend Matty." I loved saying the word boyfriend.

"Well Charlotte you didn't even tell us you had a boyfriend, I'm John." My dad stuck out his hand, Matty took it and they shook hands.

"And this is my wife Sarah,"

"Nice to meet you." Matty said shyly.

"Come in come in. The house is kind of messy I haven't cleaned it in a while, if I knew Charlotte was going to bring company I would have of course but as she didn't let me know then how could-"

"Mum stop." This is the first time I had seen my parents in a long time and they looked so old, there eyes looked tired and there bodies almost looked drained of life, it hurt seeing them like this. "I'm going to show Matty around the house,"

"Ok dear, your mother and I will prepare dinner."

I grabbed Matty's hand and practically dragged him up the stairs and into my old room. Matty walked over to my photo wall. There must have been about 100 photos all pinned to the wall. Some of them were just random photos, others were of my family or friends. Everyone that meant something to me was on that wall. Most of the photos were of Grace and I.

"Is that Tommy?" Matty asked pointing to a photo of Tommy and I in a bar in Mexico when we went on holiday, Tommy had a giant sombrero on his head and I didn't stop laughing all night.

"Yeah that's him," I said smiling,

"He looks like you," Matty said. We always had looked like each other, people always thought we were twins even though Tommy was 4 years older than me he had a baby face.

"Charlie-"

"It's fine." Then there was the silence again, that silence that occurred so often between Matty and I, it wasn't a bad silence, in fact it was a comforting silence. A silence that two people who are so comfortable with each other can actually enjoy. I walked over to him and kissed his cheek and laced my hand with his before walked out of the room with him following me. I walked into Tommy's old room. Everything was exactly how it was before, his bed neatly made, his football trophies placed proudly on his bookshelf that had a distinct lack of books. I watched as Matty's eyes wondered around the room.

"He seemed like a pretty cool guy."

"He was a pain in the ass," I said half kidding. I sat on Tommy's bed and brushed my hands softly over the bed sheets.

"You would have liked him." I said, he sat next to me on the bed and I rested my head on his shoulder. He placed his hand on my thigh and that was the only thing he had to do for me to know that he cared and that he was there. Tommy's bedroom door opened and my mum walked in. Matty got up off the bed faster than I have ever seen anyone move.

"Charlie what are you doing in here?" My mum asked. She hated when I went into Tommy's room, there was an unspoken rule in my house that no one would go into Tommy's room and if you did, everything had to be left as it was found. Matty and I sitting on the bed was definitely a no, the sheets would get all crinkled and he'd hate that. My mum always thought she knew him best, but in reality Tommy wouldn't give a fuck if his sheets were crinkled. In the first couple of weeks after Tommy's death I used to sneak into his room and sleep in his bed and I'd wake up early and make the bed back up and go back into my room before my parents woke up. I did it because I could still smell him, his smell was still there and I was always so afraid that I'd forget about little things like that and my mother tried to take that away from me.

"I was just showing Matty Tommy's room mum, it's no big deal."

"Charlotte this is Tommy's room, you know I don't like you going in here."

"I know mum, I'm sorry I just-"

"Never mind. Dinners ready, so come down," and with that she left.

"God she's such a bitch," I said.

"She's not a bitch Charlie she's a mother who's lost her son,"

"Yeah and I'm a little sister who lost her older brother, so fuck her." I walked out of Tommy's room and went downstairs, Matty followed close behind me.

//

We all sat around the dinner table. My parents practically killing Matty with the amount of questions they were asking him and my father gave the displeased look when Matty mentioned being in a band. Although my father had no idea that his band was actually famous and successful. I don't know why Matty didn't mention it. The aimless conversation was deafening, it was conversation that was only spoken to fill the silence and I believe if you have to have those types of conversation then there should be no conversation at all.

"Mum, dad, I'm dropping out of uni." The words came out like word vomit. I hadn't realised I had even said them. I looked at my plate and I stared at it even when the silence was deafening. I felt Matty's hand squeeze my leg under the table.

"Excuse me Charlotte?" My mother said, not even trying to hide her disgust in her voice.

"I hate law, I don't like it. I have no interest in it, I'm just wasting my time and your money on something that is pointless to me." I had a million and one things to say but yet I was lost for words.

"What else will you do?" My dad asked,

"Nothing, she will do nothing else because she's going to finish doing law in university because that's the right thing to do and that is what is best for her." My mother said, I laughed.

"What's so funny Charlotte?" My mother asked. I smiled while looking directly at my mother.

"You wouldn't know what's best for me even if I told you. I know what's best for me, Tommy knew what was best for him. I'm not staying in uni." I stayed calm when I talked.

"Charlotte I will not have this discussion when we have company," she didn't look up from her plate when she spoke,

"There is nothing to discuss, I'm dropping out." I made sure I stayed calm but clear, they needed to understand.

"So you're just going to waste two years of education and money?" I knew she'd bring money into, she always did. I had always offered to pay for university myself but they insisted on paying for me because they payed for Tommy so it wouldn't be fair unless they'd pay for me as well.

"Mum I don't enjoy it, it would be a waste of money and time if I got a degree in law because I would do absolutely nothing with that degree."

"You brother wouldn't-" my dad began,

"WOULD EVERYONE STOP SAYING WHAT TOMMY WOULD OR WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED." I had snapped, I had never ever snapped at my parents like this before. I slammed my fist on the table and I said everything that I had always wanted to say since Tommy died.

"Mum, dad, I am not Tommy, I am not the smart one, I don't want to stay in university. I'm not going to stay in university. We all lost Tommy that day, you lost a son and I lost my brother, we all need to move on. Stop pretending like he's going to walk through the door any second now because he's not, he's fucking dead and we all need to deal with that. Now I'm going to drop out of university and I'm going to work full time and save money and figure out what I want to do, because that's what I want and you can either support my decision or fuck off, because I am so goddamn sick of both of you constantly making me feel like I'm not good enough because I'm not Tommy." My parents mouths were wide open but they were lost for words. I stood up from the table and I walked out the door with Matty staggering after me. I waited for the tears as I always did, but none came, not a single one. I hate my parents, I hate that house, I hate how this goddamn hole in my life just will not fill. Matty unlocked the car and we got in,

"Well that went well," Matty said sarcastically. I laughed, a real laugh, what he said wasn't even thy funny, I just needed to laugh so much. "They probably hate me, they probably think that I've brainwashed you and that's why your dropping out,"

"Shut up you fool," I hit his arm playfully,

"Now let's go smoke some weed." Matty said.