Chapter 34

October 1993- Neverland Ranch

Michael's POV

My hands nervously tapped my knee as I patiently waited for the car to stop in front of the house, our house.

We finished the tour in Europe and before heading to South America we had about a week off and I decided it's finally time to face my family again. I know, I should've done this earlier but guilt and fear kept me away for much longer than it needed to be.

It was already late at night when we arrived and I hoped that Maeve would still be awake but all the lights were off when we pulled up as my mind kept playing different scenarios of what will happen as soon as she's in front of me but I tried not to let them get to me. I really needed to see her again.

"Michael, I need-" Bill began but I was already outside the car, walking into the direction of our house, determined to beg for forgiveness. I cannot undo the mistakes I made but I can make her understand my reasons.

I was about to open the front door when Bill yelled again. But right now, all I wanted was to find my wife.

My feet carried me deeper into the house. It was a strange feeling being back here after so long, somehow it felt different. The lights flickered on as I headed into the direction of our bedroom. I don't care that she might be asleep, I needed to see her, now.

You're being selfish again, Michael!

When I turned the corner and the door of the master's bedroom came into view, I stopped in my tracks. The door was wide opened.

For a moment I stared at it, a shocked expression on my face as I feared the worst and when I walked closer my fear became reality.

The room was empty, the bed made up. I stood in between the door frame and stared at the bed until I heard Bill's voice behind me.

"I'm sorry, Michael, she isn't here..." he spoke in a low tone.

"Where is she?"

"She and the children are at her house... they left a few days ago..."

Her house. I remembered living there with her for a while, it was a cute little house, perfect for a small family.

I remembered her sitting on the floor, reading a book while I practiced some dancing routines or dancing with her in the small kitchen.

At that time, her house was an escape for me, it was my home, I felt safe there, I felt happy there, until I built my own home.

But now I came to the realization that it never was the place that made me feel that way. It was her all along. Maeve, she made the house a home. That's why this house feels different now, because she is gone.

Quickly I blinked away the tears. My hand fumbled for the drugs I kept in the pocket in my jacket.

"I need some water" I said dryly before walking into the kitchen where I quickly swallowed a few pills followed by some water.

My gaze wandered to the play-kitchen in the corner that now is neatly organized. Normally it would be a mess since the children love playing there while Maeve is either cooking or cleaning.

My eyes caught something on the table. I noticed there was a box and when I walked closer it read my name, in Maeve's handwriting.

Next to it was a stack of pictures on top of an envelope. My hand reached for the photos.

The first photo showed Nicolas and Charlotte. Nicolas had his arm around Charlotte's shoulders, they were both smiling widely. Charlotte had some chocolate stains around her mouth, I bet they had some chocolate ice cream before taking this photo. I smiled at the picture before turning to the next, my smile instantly faded.

It was Maeve holding our baby at the hospital. Her hair still sweaty, our baby covered in a blanket, it must have been just minutes after birth. Maeve tried to be strong, she tried fighting the tears and the photo showed the exact moment she broke.

A tear rolled down my face. I noticed Bill's presence behind me as I quietly wiped the tear away before continuing looking through the pictures.

There were some of our children holding the baby, even kissing it. Maeve's mother, my mother, Janet and some more of my siblings, even Joseph held our baby.

And then there were professional photos of her. The black and white pictures captured her beautiful face, her tiny nose, eyes closed and small lips in a straight line. She looked peacefully asleep.

There were also a few professional pictures with Maeve and our children. My heart ached at the thought of them doing this photoshoot, they were being so strong.

But these will be the only pictures we'll ever have with Esther. It's strange for me to use her name. I feel like I don't deserve to say it out loud.

There were some more pictures but it got progressively sadder. One showed Nicolas and Charlotte painting the small wooden casket, their hands covered in paint as they smiled into the camera. Another one showed Maeve kissing our baby in front of an empty casket only moments before laying her down for the last time.

I wasn't prepared for the picture of the baby inside it's casket and for what felt like an eternity I kept staring at it when I felt Bill put his hand on my back. "I'm so sorry, Michael."

My eyes stayed at the picture, there was one detail that caught my attention. I let my thumb trace over the photograph.

On the baby's chest, there laid a necklace and at further inspection I recon it to be the one I gave Maeve for her birthday when we were dating. The gold necklace that said 'Michael'.

A sigh left my mouth at the realization that even though I left my wife alone during all of this, she still laid a piece of me into our late child's hands, she made sure our baby would have a piece of me. I don't deserve this.

There was only one last picture left. It showed Maeve on her knees, her back towards the photographer. It was when she broke down crying in front of the altar at the funeral, mother told me about.

I placed the pictures back down on the table, face down, I couldn't look at them anymore and before turning to the box, I sniffed.

My hands were lightly shaking when I opened it. I pulled out the cloth and carefully unwrapped it. In my hands I held a plaster cast of Esther's tiny hands and feet.

My fingers traced over every little detail, every line, every wrinkle that was kept in eternity for us to keep her memory alive. I was in awe of how well detailed this mold was, Maeve really tried to take as much memories as possible in the shortest amount of time.

Carefully I placed the keepsakes back into the cloth, wrapping them neatly before laying them back into the box. My hands grabbed the pictures and the box, leaving the envelope on the table. My feet carried me back to the car, I didn't want to stay here any longer.

Today, I couldn't deal with anything else, this was already too much. But I knew exactly what the content of this envelope was. It was a writing from Maeve's lawyers, she's filing for divorce. I don't even blame her, I would too.

I destroyed everything.