Chapter 32

September 1993 - Russia

Michael's POV

"Hello Michael" I recognized my mother's voice through the phone. I couldn't bring myself to pick up, so the least I could do, was listen to what she had left on my voicemails.

"I wanted to check up on you since I haven't heard from you in a while. I know you're busy but I thought considering everything that's going on, and I'm not talking about what's going on publicly, I had hoped you'd come home.

We had a small ceremony at the church today. Just close family. Your brothers and sisters were all present, we missed you there.

It was... a beautiful ceremony. I kept an eye on Maeve, I know you would've wanted me to. She was being so strong for the children... I know she was dying on the inside, I've been there too.

Esther - that's what she called her. It means 'star'. Nicolas and Charlotte also painted little stars on her casket. I even spotted their handprints, they did a great job, the casket looked really beautiful.

Even though they never met her, I know they loved their little sister.

When the ceremony was over, Maeve asked her mother to take the children and as soon as they left she broke down in front of the altar. Randy and Marlon had to carry her out, it was heartbreaking.

We got together at Neverland Ranch for a funeral feast afterwards. Maeve prepared everything herself... Jared told me she hasn't had a proper night's rest since she gave birth and that she's not really eating or drinking anything.

Michael, I'm worried about her. We were there for hours and she hasn't said one word... she sat in the same spot, staring into space.

I know you already have a lot on your mind, that you also lost a child and I know it does affect you just as much, but your wife, your children, they need you Michael!

Please, come back. We're all here for you and we love you!"

Oktober 1993 - Brasil

"Michael, it's Janet... I just got a call from Carmen, Maeve's mother. Maeve and the kids are currently in New York.

Maeve just got admitted to the hospital because of dehydration. The kids are with Jared right now, I'm on my way to get them...

They were asking why they can't be staying with you... Michael, they need you, Maeve needs you!

I can't image what you're going through but I also can't imagine what Maeve's going through! She had to go through all of this on her own! It should have been you on her side through this hard time! You vowed to always be by her side, but where are you now? As far away as you could get..." the line went silent for a moment.

"Listen Michael... I'm sorry that was a little harsh of me, but I'm just worried about Maeve. She doesn't look healthy... I'm watching her suffering and there's nothing I can do. I know you have your reasons but she needs you right now.

I feel like I've said this a million times before, but Michael please, come back!"

*****

"Breaking News! The King of Pop's wife has been seen publicly for the first time since the allegations of child molestation against Michael Jackson have been made public about a month ago.

Maeve Jackson has been seen with their two children, Nicolas and Charlotte in New York. She later was admitted to the hospital.

To this day we have no knowledge about the whereabouts of the third of Jackson's children that should be only a few weeks old by now. There hasn't been any kind of confirmation or official announcement of Maeve Jackson giving birth.

Sources close to the Jackson family claim that all children are biological NOT related to Michael Jackson and that the third child was considered too white to-"

The television flew across the room, hitting the floor with a loud breaking sound as I kept staring at the broken electrical piece that resembled my life in some way. I was just as broken, inside and out.

"MICHAEL!" Bill burst through the door but stopped as soon as he saw me standing in the middle of what once was a beautiful and luxurious hotel room. Now it was a mess.

My head hung low, I was avoiding any eye contact.

"Michael... look around..." he whispered.

The first thing my eyes caught were empty packages of medication, thrown at the floor. The full one's laying across the table. My eyes scanned the room further, some of the furniture was flipped and clothing was spread everywhere. The room was a mess.

My untouched breakfast was still on the table, it was already noon, I have a show this evening but right now I considered canceling it.

"Look at what you've become! You're not yourself anymore!"

He walked further into the room, his feet kicked the empty bottles that once were filled with pills.

"You need help Mich-"

"No, I don't! I have everything under control!" I yelled at him. I didn't mean for it to be so loud, I was scared of myself.

Bill looked at me, his face was filled with anger. "It's time to buck up, Michael! You have a wife and children that need you right now-"

"I KNOW!" I threw my hands up in frustration as I let myself fall back onto the couch, my hands immediately covering my face as tears started to roll uncontrollably.

"I know, I know, I know" I repeated in between sobs.

"Everybody hates me right now... and I thought some time away would help me to see the things differently but I just kept falling deeper and deeper into this hole of self-loathing...

I feel pain, I am constantly aching. I needed those pills to shut the voices out of my head and now I can't go without... the voices still found their way back into my head... I don't know what else there is to do..." I looked up at Bill, my eyes wet from the tears. I was distressed.

"Our baby died! And because I needed some time to myself I made my wife go through this all by herself... I wasn't there for her, I couldn't be there for her....

I am selfish... and now I can't face her, I cannot look at her without feeling guilty. She's miserable because I wasn't there. I feel ashamed.

I don't know what's worse, not being there for Maeve or not seeing my daughter once before she was buried. I'm never going to see her, I'm never going to have the chance to hold her, kiss her, tell her that everything is going to be okay, that I love her. I will never see her grow up, show her how to drive or see the woman she'll become. I'll never walk her down the aisle, I'll never see her beautiful face...

I'm not sure if I can forgive myself for all of that, ever..."