Twenty-one

February 17, 2000

I haven't written for a while, things have been crazy. Jimin came by yesterday, unexpectedly. It has been years, hasn't it? We used to see each other every day, only now we both realize how much we both need each other. He got fired from his job a few days ago, I feel we're in the same place. I told him about the mortgage on the house, both of us really have nothing right now. Anyway, things accelerated really quickly. One moment we were drinking and crying, the next we were panting and sweating in each other's arms. I really don't know how to feel right now. I can't sort out my feelings, I don't know if I love him or if I'm just trying too hard to feel better. I really don't want him to leave though, it's like he's the last thing I have. The two of us haven't spoken since last night, it feels strange. Both of us don't know what to think about all of this, I think we're both confused. Whatever, I'm going to try harder today. Maybe if I try harder I can pull something together.

March 3, 2000

It's been two weeks and I don't think I'm over it yet. He left, just like that. I can't help but feel that he used me. Not a word from him since February, I hate him for doing this. Work is harder, and I think my health is getting worse. Mom says I need to rest but work helps distract me, and I like that. I can't believe he just ran off after all we'd hoped, dreamed, wanted. Maybe everything he told me was just a lie; and I'm stupid to believe it. I hope he realizes how much he's hurting me, not that he cares.

March 5, 2000

I'm so angry right now, I can't even write well. I hate him so much. He called me today, told me he's found a nice apartment and he wants me to move in. He sounds so happy, as if he's done nothing. I hate him. I hate you Park Jimin

March 12, 2000

It's week three, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant because of that one night. I haven't told anyone yet and I'm not planning on it. I've been ignoring Jimin's calls, I don't plan on seeing him again. I don't want him in my life anymore. This baby might be his but I don't want to raise it as his. I'm going to keep my surname. Lee Jeyoung, I will never be Park Jeyoung.

—————

I sat on the floor cross legged, facing my brother in the dim light. Silently I held the notebook in my hands, silently I stared at the floor, silently at the white swirls in the wine red carpet.

"Park Jangmin..." Jangmin whispered, unrecognizable feelings in his eyes. I'd told him everything I'd read, the entries that unfolded our childhood. That was where it had begun. Two old friends, a one night stand. I felt my throat tighten, my mother had raised us alone? She had told us we were the Lee twins. We were Lee Soohyun and Lee Jangmin. I never questioned it, never even wondered about anything else. Was I technically Park Soohyun? Why did it sound wrong?

"He left us, Jangmin. He left mom." I tried to meet his eyes, pleading silently for him to listen.

"Why is he back?" He asked. I blinked, I didn't know. I wondered the same thing.

"Jangmin, I don't-"

"Why is he back if he never wanted us in the first place?!" He stood up, tears streaking his face. His fists trembled and his voice was smothered in anger.

"I don't know; I..."

He sighed and sat back defeated on the bed, his lips pursed, eyes shaking in despair. "He can't just decide he wants us back now that mom is dead." He spoke blatantly.

"Jangmin." I said his name hesitantly, cautiously. It hurt me when he acted like this, when he spoke of mother like she was nothing.

"I'm sorry Soohyun, I just don't understand." He dropped his head in his hands, his shoulders drooping. I looked down to the carpet again in thought,

"Maybe he had a reason."

Jangmin looked up suddenly, tears and anger reflected in his eyes;

"A reason? A reason to abandon the one person who needed him most? Soohyun that's ridiculous! He's just selfish, he took advantage of mother."

"You don't know that!" I fought back, wanting so badly to reassure both of us things were okay. I wanted to believe it was all a lie, I didn't want to accept the truth.

My brother sighed deeply, staring at his feet.

"We don't know anything. All we know, is that our father didn't want us, and now he does."

—————

"No." I said again, this time more firmly.

"Come on Soohyun! Just this once?" Baeksoon pleaded while clinging to my arm. I groaned,

"I said no, I'm not going." I shook my head, stopping at my locker and spinning the padlock. She had been begging me to go to the school dance that evening as soon as I'd stepped into her field of view that morning. She followed me and leaned against the locker beside mine.

"Will you come if Rocky takes you?" There was a slight tease in her voice, one that made me suddenly nauseous.

"I'm not going, okay?" I slammed my locker and turned away. Especially if Rocky was taking me.

"Ugh fine. I just thought it'd be cute if you know, Moonbin and I, Rocky and you.." she trailed off as she struggled to keep pace with me. I refused to look at her,

"Rocky and I are not a thing." My voice was strained and bitter, and probably more harsh than I wanted.

"Okay...fine." She said, softer, as if I would yell at her.

The truth was, I didn't want to go anywhere, anywhere Rocky was. I didn't like being around so many people that I didn't know very well, feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I liked the same, familiar things; things that made me comfortable and safe.Home, Jangmin, Uncle Dong...Eunwoo...

"Test results are out." Jangmin said when I met him at the beginning of class. He waved a paper in my face and I took it from him.

Exam results. My eyes scanned the words, the numbers. I breathed a small sigh of relief. On the page, the B- in Korean was the lowest grade, which meant I'd passed; barely.

"You passed! Good job!" Eunwoo's voice on my left shoulder made me jump. I glared at him,

"Hey! You scared me!"

Eunwoo stuck his tongue out at me. I frowned back at him.

"Someone's in a bad mood." MJ commented. Baeksoon laughed,

"She's been like that all morning."

I shook my head at them and flopped into my desk chair. The day had only started yet I was already yearning to go home. I folded my arms on my desk and laid my head down, watching the students milling about and waiting for class to start.

"Hey," a hand rested briefly on my shoulder. I turned my head slowly to meet a pair of dark eyes. It was, of course, Eunwoo.

"I'm sorry Soohyun, I didn't mean to scare you." He wrung his hands anxiously while glancing away. I shook my head with a shrug,

"It's not your fault. Like MJ said, I'm in a bad mood."

Eunwoo sat correctly in his seat and leaned against the desk. He propped his head on his arm, watching me. I felt my cheeks warming as his eyes stayed unwavering, his face uncomfortable close. But from what I gathered, he was curious about what was wrong. Once again I had a reason to worry him.

"You're okay, right?" He asked. I nodded and sat upwards, opening my books as Mrs. Jang stepped into the classroom.

He met up with me after class, catching up to me in the halls.

"Hey," he smiled awkwardly, as if he were afraid of angering me. I swallowed and didn't look up. I needed to get away from these suffocating thoughts, feelings. I hated thinking of those diary entries that were full of pain and worry and anger. I couldn't help but wonder:

Was I a burden to mother?

"Eunwoo." I stopped suddenly, turning to face him. He looked back at me, curiously.

"Do you want to go to the dance with me?" As soon as I said it I realized how suggestive it sounded.

"What?" His eyes widened in shock. I held my hands up and shook my head quickly, blushing.

"Uh! I mean—as friends!" I felt stupid for mentioning it. The thing was: Eunwoo was someone I felt more comfortable with. I wanted to go to dance to get my mind off everything else, but I didn't want to go alone. I didn't want to go without him.

"I just, didn't think I'd enjoy it much if you didn't come..." my voice tapered off as I realized how dumb that sounded.

"Well, um..." he hesitated for a moment before smiling brightly,

"Of course I'll come."