Nineteen

"You've both grown so much." My father's voice was saturated with emotion. I glanced away as my he examined me, not wanting to meet his eyes. The air was stale and awkward, and sitting at the table all together I don't think any of us knew how to react or respond.

I heard him sigh softly and pick up his silverware, politely eating the food offered. I threw a glance at Jangmin, seeing that he was watching his father, his eyes big and hopeful. I swallowed and looked away. I knew he was excited about having a father, and to be frank, I was as well. But this man just reminded me of the fact that we were abandoned by him. That he had left us. Why would I want a father like that?

Another long awkward moment followed.

"Soohyun, why don't you tell your father about how school's going?" Uncle Dong's suggestion made me raise my eyes slowly, shakily matching them with my father's.

"Um..." I found myself at a blank.

"She's number two in our class, and has straight A's" Jangmin saved me, speaking while eating. I mentally thanked him and managed to fake a smile,

"Jangmin is in basketball, he's the teams best player." It was our strength to talk about each other, since both of us hated speaking about ourselves.

"Basketball?" My father's eyes lit up with a new warmth,

"I loved that sport when I was younger." He smiled at Jangmin then turned to me, making me swallow as once again his dark eyes locked with mine.

"I'm so proud of you both." I felt bitter at his words. Who was he to be proud of us? If he'd left us, why did he care anymore? He was only a stranger to me. When neither of us spoke, he continued,

"I know it's sudden, showing up like this. It wasn't how I'd hoped."

I bit my lip, staring hard at my food. Every word he said made me more upset. The apologetic sad tone made me angry. All these years I had wondered where he was, imagined him appearing and running into his arms. Now, after all this time, I hated the way he talked like we were connected at all. I felt a tear slide down my cheek.

"But your mother...she wanted-"

At the mention of my mother, I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up suddenly,

"What do you care about mother? Or us?!" I felt tears on my face as I looked down at the man in front of me. Jangmin and uncle Dong looked up at me with wide eyes, shocked at my sudden reaction. I looked back at my father, no, this stranger. I didn't know him at all. I didn't care about him no matter what he said. In a lower voice strangled with sobs, I spoke to him,

"You left us, so I don't even know you."

I left my place at the table. I fled to my room and slammed the door, sliding to the floor as I let myself go. Dropping my head onto my knees, I cried. It was true, I couldn't hold everything back. It felt like I was being beaten again and again, and I couldn't get away. I tried to be happy, I tried to make it work and smile. It was worthless, all of it. Ever since mother had left, life was a never ending cycle of pain. Any time I tried to be happy everything would crash. Just like with my father. Just like with Rocky.

——————

The air was cold and strangely comforting. I sat on the doorstep, staring into the night sky and trying not to think at all. Simply existing was enough. I regretted yelling at my father, I knew Jangmin had been excited to interact with him and I regretted ruining that for him.

"I miss you mother." The words came out in a whisper between my cold lips. It was all that I felt, in those four words.

If only she was here...

Above my head the leaves rustled in response, dark outlines against the dusky sky. Sometimes it was comforting to be alone; it was relieving to sit down with my own thoughts and let myself relax. That night, I felt truly alone for the first time. I blinked and looked over my shoulder as a coat was draped over me. My Uncle smiled down at me; it was a gentle, sympathetic smile.

"I'm sorry about today Soohyun." He sat down heavily beside me, wringing his hands anxiously. I tucked the coat around me and exhaled,

"No, it's not your fault. I...I had a hard day."

"You're doing well, don't be hard on yourself." He put his hand on my back and patted softly, in an attempt console me.

"Thanks Uncle, I really don't tell you a lot but I really am thankful, for everything." I smiled up at him, feeling a bit better. He took my hand and held it in his considerably larger ones. His palms held my cold fingers warmly as he smiled back at me. For a moment we sat there, happy for each other in the silence. There was nothing to be said, I knew he cared for me and I cared for him.

He squeezed my hands that were already warm, finally breaking the silence.

"Try and get some sleep, okay? Jangmin is already in bed."

I nodded, took a deep breath, and slowly rose to my feet. I said a quick goodnight to my uncle who told me he wanted a few more minutes to himself. The house was dark and silent, like the calm after a storm. I stepped into the bedroom, seeing my brother sprawled on the floor, his hair a mess and his chest slowly rising and falling with each breath. I smiled and watched him for a moment before leaving the doorway and crouching in front of him. Moonlight glowed on his skin, his eyes closed as he slept peacefully. Carefully I pulled the covers up to his chest and placed his arms over them.

I paused and breathed in sharply when I saw his exposed arms, dark scars running across his wrists. His sleeve was pulled up, each wound evidently fresh on his skin. I fell to my knees and took his wrist in my hands, tears escaping my eyes again.

Everything made sense now.

"Oh my word Jangmin..." I hugged his hand to my chest, bowing my head in silent pain. I had been so caught up in my own feelings, how had I not noticed any of this? Every day when he wore those long sleeves shirts and sweaters, the hospital bill on uncle Dong's desk, every weak smile and every tear behind the scenes. I'd missed all of it, and I felt so selfish.

"I'm so sorry." My tears ran down my face and dropped from my chin onto his moonwashed skin. He slept on, not awakening at all to my small sniffs and sobs. I kissed his hand, closing my eyes to try and block out the pain that was throbbing in my chest.

"Please Jangmin..." I whispered into the darkness,

"Please don't hurt yourself."

——————

Thursday was the first day of exams. The teachers were strict and prepared, the students hanging on the edge of emotional turmoil. I sat in class, trying my very best to keep from having a mental breakdown. Things had been so hectic in the past couple days that I had nearly forgotten about exams. Plus, it was even harder to concentrate with piles of gossip going around. Apparently there was news of another school fight.

"Did you hear?" MJ caught up to Jangmin and I in the halls after the first round of exams. I barely spared him a glance,

"I don't really care."

He groaned in annoyance before going off and rambling about the fight, where apparently two guys had been knocked out and injured.

"But the thing is, everyone's saying it was JinJin-"

"Jinwoo?" Jangmin stopped in his tracks and I glanced back at him. Jinwoo?

"Yeah, I don't know if I want to believe it though. He seems like a nice guy."

Jinwoo got into a fight? I frowned, remembering the news video and the rumors that went wild after the incident in Seoul. Some said he had been suspended four times from four different schools; many called him a disgrace to his father. Was it true that he was as dangerous as was rumored? I remembered when he'd chased away the bullies behind the school. There was so much that was mysterious about him.

"Wait, what did you call him?" Jangmin asked. MJ smiled brightly at the question,

"JinJin. It fits him, doesn't it?"

"No." Jangmin said blatantly. I laughed and shoved my brother, a little embarrassed of him.

"I think it's cute."

"You think what's cute?" My stomach jumped anxiously as I recognized the voice. Rocky jogged up to us, eyeing me with amusement sparkling in those dark pupils. The bruises on his face were dark purple in color, a scab on his bottom lip.

"Um...nothing important." I turned and walked away, leaving all three of them behind. Why was he talking to me? After all he did, why is he doing this? I heard his footsteps as he caught up to me.

"Hey Soohyun, wait." His hand grabbed my arm and stopped me, forcing me to look back at him. It took all my self control to keep from crying. He smiled brightly,

"Wanna go grab a drink?"

I pulled my arm away shakily, turning away. Carefully, I took a deep breath to calm myself,

"Listen, Rocky. I..."

"Are you okay?" His voice was suddenly filled with concern as he took a step closer. I swallowed and felt my heart hurting at every word. He'd done all this to me and yet he was still here, acting as if he'd done nothing wrong.

"Is it because of what I said—that night?" He continued. I felt his gaze on me, too afraid to look up. My knuckles were white as I clutched the straps of my backpack. I wanted to yell at him and tell him how much it hurt, to say all the things I'd never gotten the chance to say. I wanted him to know how much of a jerk he was. But I couldn't find the courage.

"I wasn't thinking straight then. Did I upset you?" He questioned me further, nearly bringing me to the point of tears.

"Rocky, I'm sorry..." I took another step backwards.

"Are you dating someone else?" He went on.

"I just-" I started hesitantly but couldn't finish my sentence when who should come down the hall but Cha Eunwoo. As soon as he saw Rocky his eyes hardened.

"Hey Minhyuk!" When he spoke Minhyuk looked over his shoulder in surprise. He stepped back awkwardly, fists tightening around the books in his hands.

Eunwoo marched up to me, a confident smile on his face as he reached down and locked his hand with mine. He shocked me with his next words,

"Yes, she's dating me."