Chapter 17: The Phone Call

We've been cuddled up on the couch for some time now. He sat in between my legs with his back facing me. My legs up and around him. He is watching TV and I'm just deep in thought. His mother's words just reply in my mind. I don't know what to do with myself. My heart hurts. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't need no on sided feelings. I know I'm not good enough for him. I will never be. I can't just sit here and let him play with my heart like this. I don't deserve this. I know I am good enough. Just not for him. Plus he doesn't even feel the same for me anyway. He pushed me away and now he just acts like it never happened. He knows I care for him more than a best friend and yet he continues to string my emotions along. Damn it Michael. I really need someone to talk to and the only person I have is Michael and I can't talk to him about this. Wait I still have Lilly. I wonder if she's up right now? I hear Michael yawn. 

"Hey, tired?" I ask. 

"A little." He says. 

"Ready for bed?" I ask. 

"Kinda. Are you?" 

"Yeah. I just gotta do something."

"What?" He asks sitting up. 

"I won't be long. I promise."  I say smiling at him. "Keep it warm for me." I say giggling. 

"I won't be able to sleep til you lay with me." 

"I know. I just really need to do this."

"Hey." He says touching my face. "Is everything okay?" He asks. 

"Yeah." I say with a smile as I stand. "I need a hug til I'm in bed with you."

"Yes beautiful." He says and wraps his arms around me.

"Thank you Michael." I say slowly letting go. 

"Okay. See you in there."

"Yup." I say as I turn the TV off. 

I watch him walk into the room. I grab the phone off the table and take it with me into my room. I close the door behind me. I'm glad it reaches so far. I find Lilly's number on a piece of paper on my dresser. I dial the number. I hide myself in my closet with just the receiver. My heart is pound right now and I don't know why. There's also a lump in my throat. I just sit there listening to it ring. 

"Hello." A voice answers. 

What? Did I dial the right number?

"Charlie?" I say confused. 

"Maya?" He says in the same tone.

"I thought I was calling Lilly."

"Yeah." He says chuckling. "We live together." 

"Oh." I say understanding. 

"Is everything alright?" He asks. 

"Yeah. I just wanted to speak to Lilly. Is she there?"

"She should be home soon. Are you okay?" 

"Is it that obvious?"

"What's wrong? You know you can talk to me."

I sigh heavily.

"I really need a female's advice."

"This is about Mike isn't it."

"Isn't it always."

"What happened now?"

"I can't talk to you about this."

"Why not?"

"Because, I know what your answer would be."

"My answer?" He says confused. "What are you talking about?" 

"About how I feel about him."

"Maya." He says shocked. "Yes, I am still in love with you. But, I want you to be happy. Whether that is with me or not."

"Charlie." I drag out. "I don't want to feel like this anymore."

"Feel like what?"

"A fool. Helpless. Hopeless." 

"You are none of those things. I wish you would stop being so harsh on yourself." He says as I hear a click sound on the phone. "You are an extraordinary woman. One of the reasons why I fell in love with you in the first place. You are kind, smart, funny and so passionate about the things you love."

"Thank you."

"Do you remember how we met?"

"How could I forget." I say giggling. "You were so angry with me."

"I was upset not angry. You were the only person to ever beat my record at Ms. Pac Man."

"I laughed at you and said it's just a game get over it." I say laughing. "That's what threw you over the edge. I swear I seen steam coming out of your ears."

"You are over exaggerating." He says laughing. 

"I swear." 

I stop laughing when I hear that click noise again. 

"What was that click noise."

"Maya, I think someone was listening on our conversation."

"Is Lilly home yet?"

"Even if she was. We only have one house phone."

My eyes grow wide. Wait Michael has one in his room. He wouldn't eavesdrop would he?

"Hey Lilly just walked through the door."

"Okay." I say lowly. 

"Hey girlie."

"Hey." I say softly. 

"Is everything okay?"

"I don't know."

"Why were you and Charlie speaking? Did something happen between you and Michael?"

"No. I actually called to speak to you. But, I think he was listening to our conversation." I say face palming. 

"Is everything okay?"

"I don't know anymore. I needed your advice on something. But, now I don't know if I'm up to talking about it."

"Let me guess. It's about you and Michael isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"You feel helpless."

"Yes."

"One sided love is so painful."

"Get out of my head please."

"All this time and he still hasn't made a move. You two live together. What is he doing?"

"There's something I didn't tell you."

"That you kissed him and he pushed you away."

"How did you know?"

"Charlie and Randy both told me. They both said he's a fool."

"I'm the fool for seeing something more than a friendship."

"MY. I don't know why that boy is being so stubborn. He cares so strongly for you. Is he afraid or something?"

"I don't know and I don't know if I just want to sit around and wait for him to figure it out. He says we need to heal but I can't heal if I feel like this. My heart aches for this man. I need him so bad that it hurts. I'm so attached to him. That I question it sometimes. Why do I need him so bad now when he pushed me away. I think it might be time to move on. I really need to try because that day is going to come when he finds someone and I'm going to be left standing there broken. I almost feel like I'm only here til he finds what is meant to be for him."

"MY." She says with so much worry. "I understand the part of not wanting to get hurt but he's only checking for you. He only needs you. He cares about you so deeply. I honestly think he's just scared. Scared that he might hurt you. Something this serious might be all new to him. Are you giving him a chance."

"That's the thing I am and all he does is play with my emotions then push me away. No matter how hard I try he makes me into a damn fool. I feel like a damn idiot for caring so deeply for him like I do. He has such a huge impact on me and I'm scared of my own feelings for him."

"Why?"

"Because of how far and deep they are."

"I knew it." She says snapping her fingers. "You are in love with him."

"Lilly, I'm so afraid to admit it to even myself."

"Why? Being in love is truly an amazing feeling."

"Is it really? Because I am terrified. I'm scared its going to hurt more when he leaves one day. When he finds someone better. Because I know I will never be good enough for him. I'm not worth it."

"Maya, You are good enough. You are an amazing person. You are strong and kind. Beautiful with such a pure heart."

"I know I am good enough. But, just not for him. I could never be. I'm to broken. I'm damaged and I might be beyond repair."

"We all have a fear of the people we love leaving us one day. That's why we are supposed to love them like we're gonna lose them."

"Lilly." I say giggling. "This is why we've always been so close."

"What did I say?"

"What you said. I've been inspired to write a poem recently and that part has been stuck in my head. Love you like I'm gonna lose you."

"Awe Maya." She says giggling. "You really got it bad. Maybe you should just admit it to yourself and finally see things for how truly amazing they really are."

"I don't want to lose him but what am I supposed to do. I can't heal like this. I feel like he's just playing with my heart and emotions."

"That's your fear talking. Have you giving him a chance to show you that he will never leave you as your best friend or are you just focusing on your own feelings?"

"I thought I was and then something changed in me. I've grown so attached to him. I really need him like the air I breathe. Lilly I need him to survive every day. I need him to live. To do everyday things. I miss him so terribly if we are apart to long."

"Do you miss him now?"

"So much." I say lowly.

"Then why are you on the phone with me still. Go cuddle with him. He's probably sitting up waiting for you."

"I'm scared."

"Why?"

"I think he was listening when Charlie and I were speaking. He probably thinks I was sneaking to speak to him. When in reality I was calling you and you two just happened to live together. Something you never cared to share with me."

"Chill out girl. I don't always claim him as my brother."

"You are right about that."

"Charlie told me he got jealous of you two speaking that day at the studio."

"Please don't remind me of that day. That was supposed to be just a memorable day for me. I've always wanted to see them create magic and instead I got manhandled and rejected by Michael." 

I sigh heavily. 

"Girl, I think you are beating yourself up to hard. None of it is your fault. I think he just needs time. He might feel like he isn't good enough for you either. "

"I don't know."

"Maya Nicole Marbles, will you just go and cuddle with your Mikey Bear."

"Awe man you too."

"I think its cute. He's like a safe haven for you. Every girl needs her teddy bear." 

"I swear I hate you."

"No you don't. You love me and you know it." She says giggling. "Now go. We will speak tomorrow or something. I'm free all day if you need to talk some more."

"Thank you. Have a good night."

"You too girlie."

We both hang up. I place the phone back on the hook and grab it with me as I leave out my bedroom. I place it back on the end table and put the cord neatly under the table. I shut the lights off and head to his room. His door is closed. I grab the door knob and turn. What? It's locked. I knock on the door. Did he lock it by accident? He wouldn't do it on purpose. Would he? He doesn't answer me. I place my ear to the door and don't hear anything. 

"Michael." I say knocking again but a little harder. 

But no answer. What? Did I do something wrong? Is it because I was speaking to Charlie? That wasn't my fault. He just happens to live with her and answered the phone. I press my forehead against the door and sigh heavily. Here I go again. Crying over this man. I can't control my emotions when it comes to him. Why am I so helpless. What did he do to me? Why me? Why does this hurt so bad? 

"Michael." I cry out but still silence. 

I lean against the wall next to his bedroom door. I slowly slide down and bring my knees to my chest. I wrap my arms around my legs and just sit there and cry. And cry and cry and cry. Does he no longer need me? Have I done something wrong to hurt him? Why would he just lock his door on me? When he knew I was coming to sleep with him. We always sleep together. He knows I can't sleep without him. I have really bad nightmares if we are apart. What did I do? He doesn't need me anymore. I'm so useless, helpless and hopeless. I'm such a lost cause. I know I did something wrong. I hate myself for being like this. For needing him so bad when he obviously doesn't need me as bad as I need him. I'm so stupid. Why me?