Chapter 13: Back At One

"Michael." I softly say. "Are you sure?" I ask.

"I need you Maya." He whispers.

I bite my lip as I climb onto his lap. His eyes never leave mine as he places his hands softly on my bare thighs. His hands slowly caress up my thighs. Making my dress slowly raise up. He slides his body closer to the edge of the seat. He pulls my lower half closer to him. Damn it Michael. He bites his lip.  I'm gonna wet up his shirt and pants. I know I am. Should I try again? He asked me this time. I press my upper half against his. His hands stop just below my butt. I press the side of my face against his.

"You can touch it. If you want too."

"Are you sure?" He softly asks.

"Yes. Michael. I won't be upset."

His hands slowly caress up to my butt.

"Maya." He breathes out.

Damn it boy. I'm so wet again.

"You can squeeze it." I say into his ear.

My hands softly caress up his chest to the collar of his shirt. I grip the collar of his shirt just as his big hands squeezes my butt. I moan out into his ear. Awe man that was a big one. How can you have such a effect on me like that.

"I'm sorry." I softly say.

He lets go of my butt and smooths my dress down. Did I do something wrong.

"What's wrong Michael?"

He doesn't say anything. His arms wrap around my lower back. His pulls me as close as he can to him as his upper half falls back into the seat. Did I do something wrong. My body slowly starts to tremble as I silently cry.

"No. Please don't cry my sweet Maya. You didn't do anything wrong. Honestly you are doing everything right. It's just me Maya." He says crying into my neck. "I'm really trying. Just please be patient with me. I need you. I need you so bad Maya. It's just this is all new to me. I've never been this close to anyone before." He says hugging me tighter. "I'm yours Maya. I'm just so nervous when it comes to this. I'm so afraid I can never be good enough for you. That I can't be the man you need me to be."

My eyes grow wide. Bills words replay in my mind. Can it really be true. Does he really feel the same?

"Michael." I softly say in between my silent cries. "I can never be good enough for you." I say as my hands grip his arms. "I know I'm not good enough. I can never be. I don't deserve to be. You deserve someone who isn't so damaged. Someone who can keep their emotions under control. Someone who doesn't have panic attacks. My heart is broken Michael. I'm broken and I don't know if I am capable of healing." I say as I grip his sleeve from crying so hard.

"Maya." He cries out. "You..."

Tap. Tap. Tap.

I try to pull away but He pulls me right back. I just need a moment to clean myself up. To breathe. This is all too much for me right now. The door slowly opens. His brothers and Bill stand there looking at us.

"Really. You two just couldn't wait til you got home could you." Jermaine says.

"Michael please." I cry out. "You got work to do. Your brothers have been waiting." I say trying to pull away.

But his grip on me is too strong. Damn it Michael. I don't want you to let go emotionally just physically right now.

"Michael." I cry out as I try to pull away.

I pull away and fall hard onto the limo floor.

"Maya." He cries out with wide eyes.

Here his eyes go again. On my panties. Can't believe I just fell like this. Legs open for him to see. My panties are kinda see through too. Just may damn luck. I get up quickly and climb out the limo.

"Maya." He calls out to me.

Of course his brothers and Bill asked me if I am okay. Does it look like I am okay. Damn it Michael why do you do this to my heart? I just can't seem to win. I just need a moment to breath. To catch myself. I can't handle this right now. I sigh heavily. No matter how much he hurts my heart. My heart still needs him. I still need him. 

"Maya, please." He cries out. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't feel that way. Because it's not true."

I sigh heavily again. I face his brothers. They all look at me with sadness written across their face. Please don't look at me like that. I didn't hurt your brother. He hurt me. I just need to clean myself up. I want to stop crying. 

"Please talk to him." I say softly. "I just need to go to the bathroom and clean up. Tell him I am coming back to his arms. I need him." 

"Why can't you tell me yourself?" He says. 

I turn around and face him. My heart is pounding right now. I bite my lip as I look down at the ground. 

"Talk to me please." He sounds as broken as he looks. 

"What happened between you two?" Marlon asks. 

"Maya, I'm so sorry I've caused you so much pain. I never meant too." He says touching my hands. "I'm just scared." He whispers.

I look at him as fresh tears fall. 

"Of me and how much bad I can cause you because I am so damaged." I say lowly. 

"My sweet Maya." He says crying. 

"No." I say pulling my hand from his. "There's nothing sweet about me. I am a terrible person. Nothing but bad luck. I will never be good enough." I say and take a deep breath. "I just need a moment." I say lowly and turn to face everyone. 

"Please calm him down." I say to his brothers and come closer to them. "I need him here when I return." I say for only them to here. 

"Of course Maya." They all say. 

"Bill, can you show me where the bathroom is please." 

"Of course boss lady." He says. 

I sigh heavily. I just want to turn around and run into his arms. We both need this moment right now. 

"Mike, please you need to calm down first." Jermaine says. 

"My sweet Maya." He cries out. "I need my sweet Maya."

Damn it Michael. My heart can't handle that right now. 

"Bro calm down first. She isn't going anywhere." Randy says. 

"She's only going to the bathroom." Tito says.

"Yeah stop fighting us." Jackie says. 

"We got him Maya. Just return to him when you are done." Marlon says. 

I don't say anything. I just follow Bill. I follow close behind him as he shows me where the bathroom is. We reach it and I place my hand on the door. 

"Wait Maya." He softly says. 

"Yeah, Bill."

"I'm just concerned. You guys were good when you got in the limo and now.." He says and trails off. "I'm worried about you two. I know both of you are still healing. I'm afraid you both might push each other away."

"I'm scared we might too. I care so deeply for that man. I just want to know how he feels about me. One moment I feel like he feels the same and the next he makes me feel like I'm just here for his loneliness. Til he finds something better and that scares me. We.. I guess kinda get close but then he pushes me away. He pushes me away hard. My heart can't take much more of that. Every time I feel like I am making some progress I'm getting pushed back ten more steps. Because of my damn emotions. He's not all to blame. I tend to see things that aren't there. He plays with my heart and I play with my own heart. I just can't seem to win. No matter how hard I try. I'm not even good enough for myself. I don't deserve him. I will never be good enough for him. I'm too damaged. I'm too broken." I say in one breath. 

"Maya, you still have so much to grieve in your life. You still have so much pain in your heart that needs to heal. I see how happy you both are when y'all are together. Do you really want to throw all of that away because of some temporary pain. One day all of that pain is going to heal and you will see just how beautiful and magical what you two have is. You aren't giving yourself time to heal. You keep ignoring the pain like your usually do. You are afraid to be truly happy. You still have your guard up. Even though you let him in and you are emotionally attached to him. You aren't giving yourself time to heal. You both need to heal. You are trying to force what you have to be more then what it is truly ready for. You already got each other. Why try to force it into what its already meant to be. In time it will happen on its own. "

"Thank you Bill." I say as I walk into the bathroom. 

"Maya, I'll be right here til you are ready." 

I give him a faint smile and slowly close the door. I'm glad this is a single bathroom. I lock the door and walk over to the sink. Damn I am a mess. I just stare at my reflection. I don't even recognize myself right now. I'm a damn fool for this boy but he makes me feel so happy. I feel so strong and inspired when I am with him. I need him. Michael I need you so bad that it hurts. Damn it boy. What have you done to me. I look away from my reflection as I start crying again. Bill is right. I need him as a friend right now. I can't force him to care for me like I care for him. I'm so broken inside. But, I'm okay when I am with him. I know I can survive when I am with him. Am I really worth it for him? I know I am worth it but am I for him? I am good enough but, am I good enough for him? All I know is that I need him. I need him to heal. I'm so damaged. I'm so fragile. But, he needs me like I need him. Why did I push him away like that? I really shouldn't have. He was just telling me how he truly felt and I pushed him away. I am a terrible person. I need to make things right with him. But, first I must clean myself. I must fix myself. I need to be back in his arms. Damn girl you got it bad. 

I walk over to the toilet and pull my panties down. I raise my dress up as I squat over it. I do my business and wipe and wipe and wipe. Once again. I flush and pull my panties back up. I smooth my dress back down and walk over to the sink. I turn the faucet on and wash my hands. I splash my face. I finally stopped crying but my heart is crying out for Michael. I use my hand to wipe any left over residue from my wetness. I wash my hands once again and grab some paper towels and dry down there first. I throw those away and grab more for my face and hands. Once I'm dry I straighten my dress out and take another look at myself in the mirror. That's so much better. I fix my curls and smile at myself. Now that's way better. Now I must find him and make things right. I need him and I know he needs me. I got to clean this disaster I made. I feel so guilty that I pushed him away for no reason. He didn't deserve what I did. Not at all. I swear he's like a teddy bear with his incredible hugs and how I am so attached to him is crazy. I need him so bad too. I walk to the bathroom door and unlock it. I open it to find Bill leaning against the wall. He looks up at me with hopeful eyes. 

"Take me to Michael please." I say giving him a half smile. 

"Sure thing Ms. Maya. His brother's dragged him into the studio." He says as he starts walking. 

"Awe man." I say and can't help but giggle a little as I follow him. "He's so dramatic some times."

"Glad you are feeling better." He says looking down at me as we continue to walk. 

"You are right Bill. I needed to hear the truth. Thank you so much."

"We all love you here Maya. We will all do anything for you. You've made such a huge impact on all of us. You need to stop doubting yourself. Because you are more amazing then you'll ever know." He says as we reach a door. 

"Thank you so much Bill. You've all been truly amazing and kind to me. Thank you for giving me a family again."

"You and Mike are like my kids to me. I'll always protect you two. I'm always going to be here when ever you need me." He says smiling at me. 

"Thank you. I do need something." I softly say. 

"Your sketch book and that box right."

"Yes please." I say smiling big at him. 

"No problem." He says as he opens the door. 

My eyes grow wide seeing him throwing a tantrum. This boy can not be serious. I walk more into the room and cross my arms. Is he trying to trash the damn place. 

"Good luck." Bill says laughing and closing the door. 

Jerk. He would find this so funny. I see him pacing back and forth and he hasn't notice me yet. Jackie notices me first and walks out and into the room. Leaving the rest of his brothers to deal with him. 

"Hey how are you feeling?" He asks as he leans against the door. 

"I'm better. How's it going with him?" I ask pointing at him. 

"That man is stubborn. I don't know what you did to him but he's so stuck on you. Please never break his heart because he needs you so bad." 

"Send him in here." I say smiling as my arms fall to my side. 

"Are you sure?" He asks as he grabs the handle. 

"Yeah. This is all my fault anyway." I say. 

"I can't really say that. Because we weren't all the best to him growing up. I know he loves all of us and doesn't hate us. I just wish we were better to him. Because some of his insecurities stem from us and our father. The media doesn't help either. Please be his safe haven." 

"I'm going to try to be me and hope that is all he needs." I say with hopefulness. 

"Thank you Maya." He says smiling at me. 

"Hurry I need him." I say. 

"You got it. He's all yours." He says as he opens the door. "Yo Mike you got a special delivery." He says. 

"Leave me alone Jackie." He says continuing to pace back and forth. 

This boy is hardheaded. He's killing me. 

"Michael." I say sweetly. 

But yet he doesn't hear me. The rest of his brothers do. This boy is too much. I can't help but giggle. They all sigh in relief, But he still refuses to notice me. Damn it Michael. 

"Michael." I yell. 

He stops in his tracks and his eyes grow wide as he looks at me. I wave at him and smile sweetly. I motion him to come to me with my index finger. He moves quickly bumping everything to get to me. 

"Really Mike." Jackie says falling into the door. "I'm going to let that slide." He says. 

Michael falls to his knees and wraps his arms around me. He buries his face into my stomach. 

"I'm so sorry." He says. 

"I need you. I need your arms around me. I need your incredible hugs." I say giggling. 

He stands up and wraps his arms around me. I wrap my arms around him. We weren't even apart long but I missed him so much. 

"Thank you Michael."

"You needed me and pushed me away." He softly says into my neck. 

"I'm scared. I still have fears of you leaving me too." I say into his embrace. "I need you so bad and sometimes that scares me. I'm so attached to you and everyone I've ever cared about left me all alone. So when you said what you said it scared me. I felt like you wanted to go. That I did something wrong to push you away."

"No Maya. Please don't ever think that. I need you. I need you right here with me. I just gotta have you around all the time. I don't want to be anywhere but right by your side forever. You don't understand the impact you have on my heart, mind and soul. Since I've met you I've experienced things I never knew I could feel. All these new feelings I only want to experience with you. But, in time. We both still have a long journey ahead of each us. Let's not rush things and just let the magic take over us. Because I am yours. Even with all these insecurities and doubts. In time I am hoping to be all you need. You tell me I am but, I know we both need to heal first. I'm hoping I am the missing piece to your puzzle like you are mine."

Damn it Michael.

"Thank you my Mikey Bear." I say giving him a little squeeze. 

I don't know where that came from but I like it. He needed a cute nickname anyway. 

"Mikey Bear." He says giggling. "I love that. Only you can call me that my sweet Maya. I know you are worth it. You are worth everything. You are good enough. Maybe to good for me. But I want to be all you need." 

"You are all I need to heal. I need you forever Michael. Whatever you are to me in the future. I will always need you forever."

"I'm hoping I am still yours in the future and for the rest of our lives." 

You just know how to say the right thing. I pull away a little and softly touch his face. 

"Maya." He softly says staring into my eyes. "I can't wait til were home and you finally know the truth. You can finally remember both those nights. I need you to know." He says and presses his forehead against mine. 

"Why can't you tell me now." I whisper for only him to hear. 

"I don't want to be distracted more then I already am." He says swaying us gently back and forth. 

You are killing me boy. But he is right. 

"Okay. I'm ready to be fangirling anyway." I say smiling big at him. 

"Yes." He says with excitement and spins us around. 

"Boy you are too much." I say laughing. 

He stops spinning us and places me back on the ground. 

"I love it when you talk dirty to me." He says staring down at me. 

"Ah ha. You are too much." I say laughing harder. "You are finally learning." 

He giggles shyly at me. He guides me to a chair and I sit down. He grips the handles to the chair and presses his forehead against mine. 

"Thank you my sweet Maya. Thank you for giving me something real and magical."

I place a soft kiss on his cheek. 

"My fangirling is ready to be in overdrive."

"You got it beautiful. The producer with be back soon. I'm going to clean up the mess I made in there."

"Okay my Mikey Bear." I say and smile sweetly at him. 

He places a gentle kiss on my forehead and walks back in the room. I face the big glass and just watch him and his brothers straighten up the room. I hear the door open. That must be Bill with my stuff. I turn around in the chair with a smile. My smile quickly fades once my eyes fall on him.

Charlie? I haven't seen him since we broken up. He's as handsome as the last time I saw him but he isn't Michael. I'm so emotionally stuck on that man it's ridiculous. He gives me a small smile. 

"Maya." He says with wide eyes. 

"Hey." I say giving him a wave. 

Why can't I look away. I know I don't have feelings for him. But, I haven't seen him in five years. 

"Damn Maya. Still beautiful as ever." He says making me blush. 

Please stop it. I only want Michael. I only need Michael. But, why can't I look away. He takes a sit in the chair next to me. 

"How are you?" He asks as I turn my chair to face him. 

Why. Damn it. What the hell is wrong with me. 

"I'm good." I say. 

Damn it Maya. Look the hell away from this man. Please. You only have eyes for Michael remember. Remember the man you are falling in love with. Remember he is your best friend. 

"I'm so sorry about what happened to Tony." He says and places his hand over mine. 

Noooo. Remove your hand damn it. Come on Maya.

"How is your grandmother?" He asks coming close to me. 

But, I don't move. 

"She passed away a week ago." I say finally removing my hand from his. 

"I'm so sorry. How are you holding up?" He asks softly. 

"I have some amazing people in my circle now." I say and finally look at Michael.

Why is he just sitting there staring at us like that? 

He doesn't look to happy. I wave at him and smile but he doesn't return it. What's wrong with him?

"So you finally met him. Lilly always said you two were destined to meet."

"He's my best friend." I say never taking my eyes off of him.

"Wait your his sweet Maya he can't stop talking about?"

"Yup." I say popping the 'p'

"I honestly thought it was a coincidence." He says. "He must be something truly special. Because you've never looked at me like that." He softly says. 

Michael walks into the room and stands there looking at us. I completely face him in the chair and smile at him.

"Hey Michael." I softly say. 

"What's up Mike." Charlie says. 

He doesn't respond and walks out. What? Why? Doesn't he know my heart can't handle that. I can feel my tears itching to come out. Damn it Michael. What have you done to me?

"You're in love with him." He says. 

I turn to face him with tears in my eyes. 

"I'm sorry. The way I feel about him I've never felt before. I need him so bad that it hurts." I say letting my tears fall. 

"Maya." He says with wide eyes. "So there's honestly no chance for us then."

"Really Charlie." I say as I stand. "What we had was sex and a friendship. We weren't going anywhere and you know that." I say walking out the room. 

I bump right into Bill. 

"Maya." He says surprised. "I was just coming to get you." He says. 

"Where is he?" I ask. 

"Follow me." He says waving his hand. 

I follow him down the hall and out some doors that lead outside. I just see him standing there leaning against the wall in deep thought.

"Michael." I softly say as I approach him. 

He looks at me and his eyes grow wide. He reaches his hand out and I take it. He pulls me into his embrace. I look up at him and he's just staring into the night. I bite my lip as I try to muffle my cries. His arms hold me close to him securely. I look from him as my tears continue to fall. Why does he do these things to my heart? I thought we were finally some where in the middle but of course not. He some how pushes me back a couple of steps once again. I just can't seem to win. But I can't seem to let him go either. Why me? What have I done to deserve all this pain?

"Maya." He softly says and I look up at him. "Please don't cry. You didn't do anything wrong. This is all my fault."

But, you won't even look at me though. 

"I'm so sorry I made you cry." He says staring up at the night sky. 

"The way you looked at me really hurt." 

"I'm sorry. I had no control over my actions or my emotions. I saw you talking to him. The way you smiled at him. They way he touched your hand. The way you kept on staring at him. I was so angry. I didn't like it Maya. The feeling I felt in my gut or how I reacted. I felt like I was losing you to him. I know he's your ex. You two have so much history. I don't want you to get happy over another guy. Just me. I want to be the only one you smile at like that. The only that touches you like that. The only one who looks at you like that. I never want to feel like that again. I never want to feel like I'm going to lose you to someone else."

Oh my gosh. He was jealous. Is there possibly a part of him that just might care for me like that. 

"You never have to worry about that." I say and he looks down at me. "I'm yours Michael. No matter what you got me. You are the only one I need. I need you in ways I can only need you for." I say and touch his face. "My Mikey Bear. You don't understand how you make me feel. How you make my heart feel. Please understand that. That only you can make me feel this way."

Screw it. Maybe he just needs a little push. I should just kiss him right here and right now. I can't take this anymore. I need to know right here and right now. 

"I need you. I need my sweet Maya. I need my best friend."

I can't take it anymore. 

"Please stop pulling me in and then pushing me back like ten steps." I say softly. 

"What do you mean?" He asks. 

"I can't take anymore of you playing with my heart." I say. 

"I'm not doing that."

"Not on purpose. But, you are. You can't say something and make me think you care about me. Then the next throw me in the damn friends zone. My heart can't handle anymore of that."

"Friends zone? Maya what are you talking about?"

"I need to know Michael."

"Know what?"

"I need to know how you feel about me."

"Maya." He says with wide eyes as I feel the heat rise in his cheeks. 

"Michael." I softly say. "You tell me not to doubt how you feel about me. But I don't know. I don't know damn it. You say its magical. Is it really?"

"Yes Maya."

"Tell me just how magical it really is."

"Uh. Um. Maya." He says looking away. 

"I can't take it anymore more." I say as my other hand touches his face. 

I stand on my tippy toes and lean towards him til my lips are on his. Damn it. Please feel the same for me Michael. I feel his hands grip my arms. He pulls me away from him. What? Why? I'm a damn fool. A damn idiot. What the hell was I thinking. 

"No. Maya." He says with wide eyes. 

I shake myself from his hold and back up from him. What the hell was I thinking? How could I ever think I was good enough for this man. I got my answer. I turn from him and head back to the door. 

"Wait Maya."

"No." I say gripping the door knob. "I got my answer. I don't need to feel like more of a fool or an idiot. Thank you." I say and walk back inside. 

How could I ever think he would feel the same as me. I'm so stupid. You are a damn idiot Maya Marbles. That man is too good for you.