83 "no more apologies"

For days, everything had felt cold and Hollow. Like I was wrapped in fog. Then one morning I woke up and my chest felt tight. Not empty.

Walker was still asleep beside me, one arm heavy over my waist. The sun was barely up. The ranch was quiet. But my mind wasn't.I stared at the ceiling and the memories didn't come soft anymore.They came sharp.John's voice in my face."You opened your legs"The crack of his hand against my cheek.The man in the alley saying, Do you remember me? And something inside me didn't fold this time. It flared. My jaw tightened.I wasn't that drunk when he grabbed me.I didn't ruin anything.

He did.

My father did.

The witnesses did.

The world did.

My breathing changed. Slow. Deep. Controlled.Walker stirred beside me. "You okay, mama?"For the first time in over a week, I answered without thinking. "No."He lifted up on his elbow, studying my face. "What is it?"I swallowed. "I'm not sad right now."

He hesitated. "Okay..."

"I'm mad."Walker didn't smile. He didn't look relieved. He looked cautious. Like he knew anger could burn a house down just as fast as grief. But he has never seen me angry. No one has. My anger was always tears.

"Mad at who?" he asked carefully.I let out a dry laugh. "Pick one."I pushed the blankets off and sat up. My body still ached, but it didn't feel foreign anymore. It felt mine.

"I'm mad at him," I said.

"Which him?"

"All of them."

I stood, pacing the small bedroom."I'm mad at that bastard in the alley. I'm mad at the ones when I was fifteen. I'm mad at the witnesses who lied. I'm mad at my father for believing them. I'm mad at myself for apologizing."

Walker stood slowly."You don't have anything to apologize for."I turned on him, eyes blazing.

"Then why do I keep doing it?" I snapped. "Why do I keep begging them not to hate me when they're the ones hurting me?"Silence filled the room. Walker stepped closer, but not too close."That's not weakness," he said quietly. "That's survival."

I shook my head. "No. Survival would've been me not going numb. Survival would've been me walking away years ago."His voice hardened just a little. "You survived anyway."I laughed again, but this time it cracked."I killed a man."

"You stopped a man."

"I beat his head in with a rock."

"You finished what he started," Walker said firmly. "And if I had gotten there two seconds sooner, I would've done worse."

That made me pause.The anger shifted direction.

"Did you see my father?" I asked.Walker's jaw tightened.

"Not at the moment."

"What did he say after I went upstairs?".

"He was worried about the press."Of course he was.My hands curled into fists.

"I was hurting," I said. "I could barely stand."

"I know."

"And all he cared about were the  headlines."Walker didn't answer.I stopped pacing.Something settled into place inside me. Not softness. Not peace.

Steel.

"He hit me," I said flatly.Walker's head snapped up. "What?"

"He hit me," I repeated. "Open hand. Like I was ten. He smacked me right on the god damn wounds on my cheeks! As if they weren't there!." Walker went still in a way that scared me more than shouting would have."Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't even feel it."That was the worst part.I didn't feel it. Not physically. Not emotionally.Just accepted it like weather.Walker stepped closer now. Close enough to hold me—but he didn't touch me yet."You don't belong under him," he said.I looked up at him. "I'm done apologizing," I whispered. His eyes searched mine. "You sure?"

"No," I admitted. "But I'm done anyway."Outside, I could hear Patsy laughing with John.The sound didn't make me small this time.It made me protective."He doesn't get to make me the villain," I said. "Not for surviving."Walker finally put his hands on my waist."There she is," he murmured.

"Who?"

"My girl."

I looked at him hard.

"I'm not the same."

"I don't want the same," he said. "I want you alive." The anger wasn't loud. It wasn't wild.It was steady. For the first time since the alley, I didn't feel like disappearing.I felt like standing. And maybe—just maybe—fighting back in a way that didn't destroy me too.

.....

The porch creaked gently beneath my bare feet. The night was quiet. Too quiet.

Patsy was finally asleep. Walker sat beside me in the rocking chair, one arm draped over the back of mine. His fingers lazily traced my shoulder like he was reminding himself I was still here."I like you angry," he murmured.I huffed softly. "That makes one of us."He smirked. "No. Angry means you're breathing."

"Kissing means that too" I smirked at him. He snicker. "No mind if I do..." as he leaned inThen screen door slammed.

We both looked up.

Beth.

She stepped onto the porch like she owned the night itself. Whiskey in one hand. That smirk already carved into her face."Well," she drawled. "If it isn't Montana's most tragic little headline."

Walker's body went rigid.I didn't move.Beth tilted her head at me. "So. Did you end up remembering Gabriel?"

My stomach dropped.I hadn't thought of that name since the alley.My voice came out slow. "How do you know that name?"Beth smiled wider. And in that second I understood. Cold. Clear. Precise.

"You didn't," I whispered.Beth took a slow sip. "Relax. I didn't tell him to do anything. I just... let him know where you'd be."Walker stood instantly. "What the hell are you saying?"Beth didn't look at him.Her eyes stayed on me."I figured if you were going to ruin this family publicly by working with Jamie, I might as well make sure it stuck. I told you that job wasn't gonna last."

The world went red.I don't remember deciding to move.I was just suddenly on her.I shoved her so hard she stumbled off the porch steps. She hit the grass with a grunt and I was on top of her before she could breathe.

"You set me up?!" I screamed.She swung at me. I felt her fist glance off my cheek. We rolled. Fists. Hair. Dirt. Rage.She laughed at first. She always laughed."You were always weak—"I hit her.

Not wild.

Intentional.

Years of being smaller. Years of taking it.

Gone.

She clawed at my face and I felt skin split, but I didn't care. Cowboys came running. Boots pounding against wood and gravel. Rip's voice. Walker's voice. John shouting from the porch."Enough! God damn it, stop!"

I didn't.I straddled her and struck again and again until she stopped fighting back.Until she just lay there, breathing hard.Until my arms trembled.Walker grabbed me from behind. "Blondie!! Hey!! Hey!! . That's enough."I shoved free of him.I stood over her and pointed at my father."You knew," I shouted.John stared down at me like I was the problem."You always knew what she did to me."Silence fell across the yard.Beth spit blood and laughed weakly. "Oh here we go—"

"Shut up!" I roared with a swift kick to her side.Everyone froze.I turned fully toward John.

"She used to beat me," I said. My voice cracked but I didn't stop. "She used to beat me until I couldn't breathe. Until I peed the bed because I was too scared to leave my room!!."John's face hardened. "That's enough."

"No. It's not!."I stepped closer to the porch.

"You know what else isn't enough? The day those boys dragged me into that field!!."The ranch went dead quiet.Walker went still behind me."You refused to pick me up from school," I said, staring at my father. "You said you were busy!! I had to fend for myself!!"My throat burned."They took me out there one by one. And I came home covered in dirt and blood and you didn't even ask why! Rip did!! Rip knew why! He was the only one that came lookin for me!! Who came searching for his baby girl because she never made it back home from fucking school!!"

I stepped away from Beth to move closer to the bottom of the porch where my father stood at the top. "Do you know why daddy!? Do you know why at they did in the god damn field?" my father stayed silent he watched me with anger but with a hint of guilt.  "they raped me daddy! Each of them!! Every one of them!!"

Rip closed his eyes.John looked shaken now. But almost proud.

"I was fifteen!! I was just a fucking girl!!"My voice broke but I forced it steady."Then she called up the fucking ring leader!! He attacked me in that fucking alley way just to ruin my god damn life!!"

"And then you let her convince you I killed mama!? Seriously!?"

John snapped. "You were.. in the woods—"

"I WAS TWO!!"My scream echoed across the yard."TWO!! Daddy!!."I pointed toward the barn."That horse threw her. It snapped her spine. I didn't kill her! I was a baby!!."My chest heaved."And you let me believe for years that I did!!"John's mouth opened but nothing came out.I laughed bitterly." and All the scars on my face?" I pointed at Beth. "Her!' That you let happen!"I touched my chest."The ones in here? In my heart? You!!"Tears blurred my vision but I didn't wipe them away."You let her hate me. You let her hurt me. You let the world think I'm some violent racist monster!!" My voice turned ice cold."And now I know why."

Silence."Because I was easier to blame"I looked back at Beth lying in the grass."You sent him to me!! Knowing he would hurt me! Even fucking kill me!!."She didn't deny it.I looked at my father one last time.

"You can go fuck yourself."Gasps rippled through the men.

"I will not let my daughter grow up thinking she ruins things just by existing!"Walker stepped beside me.I grabbed his hand.

"I'm taking Patsy. And I'm done begging for your love! I'm done working for it!."John's face was pale now. Shocked. Furious.But for the first time in my life—I wasn't afraid of him.The porch light flickered in the wind.And I walked away from him without shrinking. Without apologizing... with only blood and tears