11 "broken promises"

That night my father hosted a dinner consisting of all of my siblings, my nephew and shockingly Casey's wife. I sat alone at the corner of the table. My arm was swollen so I used my left hand to poke at my food. I wasn't a big eater. I never found myself hungry. Based off of photos of my mother, she seemed to be the same way. Very frail, very small. My family shockingly spoke amongst themselves. That never happens. I stayed quiet as always. Never did I speak a word at the table. "How is your grandfather Monica?" My father asked. "He is well. Cancer free" she smiled. "that's awesome. Give Felix long my wishes"

"I will"

Long? Long? Where have a heard that name before...how...how is she related to...long..I felt a bit sick for a moment. My gut was wrenching when I heard that last name. I didn't know much about Monica other than she was a school teacher, she was native American, she had a son and she was married to my brother. That's it.

"So Willie. Do you plan on collage or anything?" Monica sweetly asked. I looked up at her a bit shocked that I was spoken to. My siblings, other than Casey were also shocked. I cleared my voice. "Im..I'm not sure" I spoke very softly and quietly. She gave me a soft smile. "Heard you did amazing in highschool. Graduated top honors?" I nodded my head. "You did?" Jamie spoke a bit shocked. I nodded again. "I was very close to getting a scholarship... But it didn't work out. Dads income didn't match up" I spoke very quiet not to anger anyone. "Very impressive" Monica proudly spoke. "Oh so it's Dad's fault you're dumb" beth interrupted. I frowned. "No..I.. I didn't say-"

"You implied it Willie" I stayed quiet once again. Keeping my head down as I listened. "Well that's a good thing too. If you wanted to go to college your father has more than enough money to pay for it" Monica quickly lightened my hopes and dreams along with a small laugh. She was very kind. Very soft. I understood Casey's attraction towards her. Suddenly the table broke out in laughter. My father slightly laughed. "Yeah fuckin aye!" Beth wiped her spitted out wine off her mouth gently with a napkin. "oh. Am I wrong?" Monica questioned. "Listen I know you're new here and all, but learn this. Willie, isn't shit. She will never be shit. She doesn't work. She doesn't speak, she doesn't do anything!"

"That's enough beth. Mind your business" my father interjected. "I'm just being honest. What? I'm the bad guy for being honest?"

"Just enough. Okay? Not infornt of guests"

"Guests? That's your son? He knows how pathetic she is! God! Okay!" Beth stood up then stormed out of the dining room. I watched as my father's eyes shifted me to with irritation. I bowed my head knowing her fit of emotions was my fault. I should've never spoke. "I'll pay for your collage aunt willow" tate spoke sweetly with a mouth full. I smiled slightly at him. "Thank you Tate" I whispered as his parents looked upon him proudly. "Alright. Well I guess this dinner is over" my father spoke as everyone pushed out their chairs to entertain themselves in the den. I watched them leave as I stayed at The table. Alone I sat slowly taking bites of my food. Gator Interjected "shall I leave this food out for awhile?" He asked sweetly. I looked at my plate then the others around the table. "No thank you...I..I think I'm done...thank you" I kept my eyes down as i spoke. I allowed him to take my plate before I removed myself to meet the family in the den. They sat around having some drinks and conversation. I listened from the back of the room. My father sat with his grandson. He sat there speaking to tate as if he's known him for years. "How's school going with you?" He asked sweetly. Tate shrugged his shoulders as he played with the burning logs in the fireplace. "Boring. Stupid"

"Don't say stupid. That's inappropriate" Monica corrected. "Fine. It's so dumb"

"Tate" she sighed. My father laughed and then smiled at the small boy. "Heard your birthday is coming up"

"Yeah. It is"

"What do you want papa to get you honey?" My father stroked his hand through tates hair. "Not sure. What's your budget?" Tate said with a snarky tone. My father laughed again. "No budget. Whatever your heart desires" lucky bastard. Wanna know what I got for my 9th birthday? Smelly pair of Beth's old sneakers. Gross. "A horse" tate smiled."Tate come on now. Realistically" Casey corrected. My father held his hand up. "Say no more. Ive got one for you right now" "You do!?" Tate smiled. "You do?" Casey questioned. I knew exactly what one he was talking about... mine... My horse....

Standing in the barn I watched my father take out the horse I loved so much. "Shes all yours kiddo" "No way!!" Tate shouted. My heart was crushed. I noticed out of the corner of my eye, Casey watching me with sad eyes. I didn't show any emotion. I was used to the pain. "Why does the saddle say Willie?" Tate questioned. My father cleared his throat as he ran his finger over my 10 year old hand carved signature. "It's an old saddle honey. I'll get you a new one. But use this for now" I looked down at the ground as he walked my horse past me to enter the pasture. Casey and Monica watched from the fence. "Thought that was your horse?" Jimmy spoke softly. "It was" I spoke sadly as I watched the horse leave my possession. "I think it had a lot more meaning to my father than I thought" It wasn't the fact that my father gave my horse away. I don't mind that. What hurts me the most is seeing the man who hurt me for so long, suddenly change the way he see children. It hurt. Maybe tate will soften him. Maybe he can show my father how to love again.

It was around midnight when my brother took Tate to bed. They decided to spend the night. Tate loved it here so much he made his parents stay for the weekend. My father was finally alone in his office. He sat at his desk as he rubbed his face with stress on his hands. Slowly and quietly I entered the room. It was like walking on egg shells. I was nervous. "Daddy..." I spoke faintly. His eyes shifted above his glasses that sat on the tip of his nose. Oh no... Was he irritated when i spoke? Should I leave? "Huh" he grunted. Slowly I stepped closer as I played with a thread that swayed off of my sweater sleeve. "I wanted to talk to you..just for a minute" my heart was racing.

"About?"

"Well...well earlier daddy.. I.. well.. I was just thinking i-"

"Come on Willie speak. You don't have a speech impediment"

"R...right" my hands were clammy. He was making me so anxious. "I really wanted to..to go to college daddy. I...I would really like to..to become a vet daddy....please" I cleared my throat as his stare was unbearably scary. I hung my head as I listened for his response. "I don't care what you do" he said. I looked back up at him with hope. "So you're okay with it?"

"Sure Willie" he waved his hand at me. I smiled wide. "you'd really do that for me daddy? Really!? Honest!?" I stepped towards him ready to hug him. "Do what for you?..." He laughed aloud "I'm not paying for your collage if that is what you're asking" Drop. There goes my smile. There goes my heart. I frowned heavily. "But...but you paid for Jamie's...a..and Beth's...you-"

"Don't tell me what I did. I'm not retarded Willie" he sighed "you can work on this ranch to save enough money to go to college" he spoke. "But daddy beth and Jamie-"

"Beth and Jamie have potential. They have a use for this damn family. useful degree's. Useful careers! They care about the future of this ranch. What do you care about other than yourself? Hm?" My legs and hands began to shake as his voice got louder. I gulped down some of my fear. "I'm.. sorry daddy.." I whispered as I held back tears. "Don't be sorry to me. Be sorry for your future self. Asking stupid questions will lead you no where Willie. Now go. Don't ask me anymore stupid shit. If you want college you better have your ass in rips eyes sights Monday morning!" He slammed the drawer to his desk. I jumped at the rolling and slamming sound. "Y..yes..sir" I shut his den door behind me before walking down the hallways. My nails laid between my teeth as I chewed. My heart was shattered again in multiple places. "that easy huh Willie. You're gonna give in that easily?" I looked back at Casey whom I waited to speak to me for years now. "he degrades you twenty four seven. And what do you say. 'yes sir. No sir' you might as well call him master!  It's time you get out of here while you can"

"Easy for you to say. You left nothing behind. Everything you needed was where you went. You didn't leave behind anything you loved"

"It was hard for me to leave. What do you have to leave behind? Nothing! " I shook my head "liar. You were ready to move for months. You had no problem leaving for good. I have a lot of things I love I would have to leave behind"

"Like what will?"

"My..my father! My siblings!"

"They hate you Willie! You'd be better off dead!" I quickly wiped the moisture from my eyes as he insulted me. "Why are you back anyways? Military benefits end? Huh? You need dad's money?"

"Fucks with you! What did I do to you?"

"You left me Casey! You left me for years! After you promised you were gonna come back for me! You never did! All you care about was yourself"

"All I cared about was my family! All you care about is you! And how you feel! What I did was the best mistake I've ever made. If you grew up a little you could leave here too! You don't need me for that shit! When you have your own family you'll understand. Id you could even find a family to care about you!"

"Y..you're right. I don't need you Casey. After raising myself...and..and going through hell alone I realized I don't need anyone. Definitely not you"

"Good. That's how you should be"

"Can you guys shut up? Some of us are trying to sleep" beth called out as she swung open the door. I made emotional eye contact with Casey before leaving the house. Through the colder weather I pounded on rips cabin door. I hugged myself in the cold breeze. Rip opened the door in his jeans and a white T-shirt. "did you ask him?" He questioned. I pushed passed him angrily. "Yeah I asked him!"

Rip shut the door behind me before turning to watch me storm to his fire place to warm my hands. "He's gonna do it right?" He smiled at me. "Be realistic rip! Like I told you! He hates me! He hates every Peice of me! He told me I'm not thinking reasonably. He said im not practical! He said I have zero potential! Zero! But don't worry! He is willing to pay me to work on his ranch. Ya know as long as it benefits him that's all that matters!"

"So work for him and pay off collage"

"I'll work here for the next 60 years until my loans are paid off. If I can even take out loans"

"Once you're in the career you want to be in you can pay it off"

"Rip. I need 26,000 for my fist semester!"

Rip wasn't the brightest book wise. He could never help me with homework or do large math in his head. I never blamed him for it. I never teased him either. I slowly explained things until he understood. rip sighed as he hung his head to think. "Go figure" he mumbled as he rubbed his face. "Ill just.. work here for awhile. That's all"

"You ain't staying here. You need to go out. Find the world. You deserve it"

"I made a fool of myself. I should've never asked him anything"

"It was worth a shot kiddo" he muffled as he shoved his mouth with a late night sandwich. Our attention shifted as the front door opens. "God it's cold out there" beth shook off the cold as she entered the room. She slipped her jacket off along with the scarf she wore. "I know how to warm myself up" she giggled loudly as she dove into rips arms. Rip smiled widely at her joy. I gagged. As uncomfortable i was I slowly stepped behind them to open the door to leave. "The hell you doin in here?" Beth spoke angrily. I slipped my nervous hands in my back pockets. "Just... leaving" I said softly. "What's going on with you two? The relationship is fuckin odd" her face was giving off confusion and rage. "Beth relax. We were talking"

"Talking? Or fucking?"

"How drunk are you?" I spoke up. Her eyes widened as she was shocked to hear my voice talk back. "You better watch it you little skank"

"Watch what? You make a fool of yourself? A sloppy messy whore of yourself" Beth took a swig of a wine bottle that she held in her hand. She waved the bottle around as if she was going to share it with somone. No. It was per personal bottle. "You're nothing's but a mistake William. Nothing. Don't walk around like you're better than anyone around you. You'll grow up to realize that you're nothing but a Peice of shit"

"That's exactly what I want. I want to grow up to be just like you. A miserable whore"The muscles in her hands and jaw clenched up as her anger issues formed into one swing. The wine bottle she held in her hand lunged straight to my face. I held my hand up as the bottle shattered beyond me. "Jesus Christ beth!" Rip spoke as he held her back. "get out of here you fucking pussy! You little fucking pussy!!" I stared down at my palm that had been sliced open. "You alright?" Rip spoke. He didn't do anything. He never did. I don't blame him. He has every respect of my father and siblings. Hes smart enough to defend them over anyone else. "...oh no.." I spoke with a Shakey voice as I slammed his front door behind me. I stared at my hand as I jogged across the field down hill. My hand was dripping so fast. It was flowing. It was honestly hypnotic. "Willie? Are you bleeding?" Jimmy called out as he was closing up the barn. "I little bit" I chuckled nervously. "Jesus Christ. Your forehead" he spoke. I was so zoned out so much I didn't understand what he meant. That until I raised the hand the wasn't bleeding to feel my forehead. My empty hand now held more blood than my wounded palm. "Oh..shit" i whispered to myself. "here. Let's ..let's get you help"