1 "black bird"

1997

My teeny cold palms clenched the ear of a stuffed bunny rabbit as I drug it through the musty rotting leafs. My pink lace ruffled ankle socks, squashed through the mud underneath the sticks and stones. It was getting dark. Autumn. So close to winter I could see my breath. I was alone. Scared and alone. I had stepped out of the house to find my daddy. I went in the opposite direction. I was about two maybe three years old. I was always told if I ever got lost to stay in one spot. It had been about three hours in the cold. I stared down at my bloody bunny. I had sliced open my tiny palm on sharp objects in the woods. My knees were muddy, so we're my oozing palms. I had fallen with no one around to comfort me. I began to cry. I gripped my stuffed friend oh so tight. Then I heard, "Willie!" Voices shouted in the distance. "Willie!" My large green eyes widened as I heard my name. Quickly I galloped. I ran towards the voice calling my name. I stopped in my tracks. There in the field laid my mother, my brother and a pack of coyotes. Casey was 7 years old with a switch blade up for protection. He yelled at the beasts to protect him and our mother. "Mama!" I sniffled out tears. Casey's eyes shifted towards my small pj wearing body. "Run Willie!" Casey called out. The snarling of the beats shifted to my range of vision. I yelped in fear as they slowly merged for me. Suddenly a light interrupted my thoughts of running. Multiple lights Flashing left and right. Loud shouting from grown men roared around the valley. The scary creatures ran as the horses squealed and huffed for my safety. My small body was lifted. Finally. My brother. Lee. 15 years older than me, 17 at the time. He tucked my head in his crook of his neck as he panted with relief that soothed me. I looked down at my mother. Small drops of blood dripped from her nose and mouth. Her skin was white as snow, her hair golden like the sun. My father kneeled beside her with disbelief that she has left the earth. I didn't understand what was happening at the time, all I knew was I finally found my daddy. I found what I was looking for. Little did I know that I was the reason my father became a widow.... "Daddy" I cried reaching from lees body to his. My father ignored me. He took my mother's body in his hands. I cried loud. "Daddy!" My small mind was freaking out. I wanted my daddy. "Get them out of here Lee!" My father screamed. His voice echoed. I jumped with fear at the loud devastated voice of my father. Lee took both my brother and I back. Lees face was wet with sadness as we entered our home. I heard my older sister crying up a storm in the other room. I was concerned. Lee didn't stop to investigate why she was sobbing. Little did I know he already knew why. I was taken to my bedroom then gently sat on my bed. Lee stayed quiet. he didn't speak a word. He changed my muddy bloody PJs into something dry. "Sleep" he spoke before stepping out of the room leaving me in the dark. I didn't like the dark. I was scared of the dark. I could feel creatures grabbing at my feet as I laid in bed. I stood on my bed to look out the window to see if my father had returned. In Front of the house stood cowboys with their hats on their chests. They bowed their heads in disbelief. My father was nowhere to be seen. I quickly hopped off my bed tip toeing down the hall. I peaked my head out from behind the hall wall. There were familiar faces comforting my older siblings. I didn't understand. I grabbed a book from my room then quickly ran between them sulking in the living room. "Me!?" I spoke with excitement. No one smiled. No one replied. They had one mood on their faces. I frowned as I set the book down on my sister's lap. Her shaking hand that wasn't involved in a cast shoved it to the floor across the room. I looked up at her as her face glowed red. Her eyes pelted my small body with anger and hatred from that day forward. I looked around the room at everyone else. No one wanted anything to do with me. "I said bedtime Willie" lee gripped my arm as he dragged me back to my room. This time he held the door closed with a chair on the door nob. I cried myself to sleep as I had yet to see my father. He was all I wanted this entire time. I ended up falling asleep on the window sill waiting for my father's arrival. At one point in the night I saw him returning home. I watched him enter the house from the window. I could hear his boots clunking through the house. My entire two years of life I sat and waited for that sound every night. When I heard that sound I knew in seconds he would be right in my room to tuck me in goodnight along with reading me a book to fall asleep. My father never entered my room that night. My father never entered my room ever again after that night. The rest of my life is to be looked at with shame. I was devalued at a daughter, as a sister and as a person. All because I wanted my daddy that night....