Chapter 11 - Ambivalence

Ambivalence /amˈbivələns/ (n.) - the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone

From since I can remember, I was by Akito's side. I would spend all day, every day inside as Akito's playmate. I was still young back then and didn't question anything. Akito had tantrums, but they were different from the current ones. That's right, I think I recall Akito crying, too. I often caught sight of Shigure comforting Akito, or Yumi-neesan, who I didn't know at the time. I didn't know what was so sad or frustrating. Then, it started suddenly.

One day, Akito became twisted. Then, I finally realized that I had never talked to any of the other zodiac members. I was always with Akito, and I'd never even spoken to the person they called my older brother. I had never met Kyo, either.

Everyday... I heard the same negative language every single day. Akito burned those pitch-black words into me. I eventually started to believe them. That nobody cared about me, that I was worthless. An insignificant human. Because even when I reached out wishing to be saved... I became afraid to be seen by those apathetic and hateful eyes.

Nobody would come for me. Especially since my parents were completely satisfied with the situation. Of the Sohmas, my parents were 'winners'. But it was then, that a light reached me.

I was in elementary school by then. Akito had just left and gone to sleep, leaving me in the pitch black room by myself. In the corner, I had curled up on the floor with my hands covering my ears and my eyes shut. Today, the words had been more severe, the poisonous mutters that seeped out from Akito's mouth felt more blistering.

"If it wasn't for me, you would be useless."

"Everyone hates you, Yuki."

"No one wants you."

"Even your own family wants nothing to do with you."

These kinds of words circled inside my mind, forming a dangerous whirlwind of self depreciation almost constantly. Was this going to be my life? Nothing but stabbing words and isolation from everyone else in the world--

"Yuki."

This... wasn't Akito's voice. Although muffled, it was feminine, soft, and warm. It didn't feel like his name was acid in her mouth when it rolled off her tongue. She called for him with a gentle kindness, a foreign concept to Yuki.

He uncovered his ears and opened his eyes, but he did not get up from his position. With his senses unblocked, his dark gray eyes trailed up to see a beautiful teenage girl with flowing blond locks and warm hazel eyes, kneeling beside his figure and staring at him with sympathy.

"Yuki."

She called for him again. He could listen to her say his name over and over again, her voice so sweet, it felt like honey was dripping from it. His name wasn't said with cold apathy or furious hatred, it was said like he was worth something to be happy about, to be cherished.

He reached out a hand one more time, for help, for some form of help to save him. Her larger hand met his smaller one halfway, holding it tightly. It took him a few moments to process, but when he finally realized that he was not being rejected, something bloomed in his heart. His foggy eyes cleared and then they started to glisten with tears.

Wait-- why was she leaning closer? Was she about to hug him? She can't! She'll be disgusted and go away, just like everyone else. He wanted to get away, but his body struggled to move. The desperation and fear shone in his dark gray eyes, but that did not discourage her from stopping.

In a swift movement, she brought him into her lap, cradling his tiny body against hers in a motherly embrace. The side of his head was pressed to her chest and he could hear her rhythmic heartbeat. Her arms held him close and a hand went to caress his hair. Why wasn't he feeling the familiar sensation of transforming into a rat? She was definitely not one of the zodiac members and she was also clearly a female. Suddenly, he remembered why she looked so familiar. She was the person Akito would go to for comfort.

"I'm sorry, Yuki. If only I had noticed earlier... you wouldn't be suffering like this. If only I had reached out to you earlier."

He could feel the fabric of his kimono around his neck dampen, he presumes from the tears that are falling from her eyes. The tears that she was shedding for his sake. But why? She doesn't know him, he doesn't even know her name. So why of all people, was she coming to him? Almost as if she could read his mind, she lifts her head to look at him with a warm smile, albeit still with tears running down her pale face.

"Yuki, I'm Sohma Mayumi. You can call me Yumi-neesan."

His hand reaches out to touch her wet cheeks, feeling the liquid with his fingertips, a silent question in his expression. A tender look appears on her guise as she looks into his precious gunmetal grey eyes. "I came to help you because I don't want you to keep suffering like this. I will do what I can, little by little, until you can smile freely." Her hand comes up to cup his own that rests on her face. "And these tears are because seeing you in this state pains my heart. You don't deserve this."

The resolute declaration that Mayumi presented in front of Yuki gave him a spark of hope. For now and for a while, it will remain just a spark. But that spark will be kindled by the people he will come across in the future and even be dimmed, but it will not go out.

Her expression then turns serious. "Akito must not know. If he catches wind about me visiting you, I will never be able to come ever again."

Yuki nods in understanding, not wanting to carelessly expose the only person who has come to comfort him. "Yumi-neesan, why did you come when I didn't reach out and why did Ayame reject me when I did?"

The distance between them is closed when Mayumi brings him in for a tighter embrace. He wasn't able to see the gritted teeth or the scowl that marred her face, yet her voice gave nothing away. "I don't think that's something I can answer for your brother, but I came because I can't bear to see someone like you in pain and rotting away when I could have done something."

Even if she hadn't answered all of his questions, he was beyond satisfied with the fact that someone had come for him. Right when he was drowning in despair, a hand had reached out to pull him out of the dark and murky water, reminding him what it was like to breathe in cool and crisp air, giving him the salvation he needed.

"Ayame."

The said male teenager turns around, his long white hair swinging near his shoulder blades. Not aware of the impending outburst of the younger teen, he smiles and greets her vivaciously, raising his arms up dramatically.

"Mayumi, my beautiful friend! You should be careful walking into this side of the estate, who knows what Akito might do if you were to be discovered here, alone with me--"

His rambling is stopped when she utters the words, "I know about what happened between you and Yuki."

His expression turns indifferent and he lowers his arms. Mayumi notices that his eyes freeze over as he was finally getting an idea of where this was going. At least this meant he wouldn't be avoiding the conversation surrounding this specific topic.

"And?" Ayame replies, aloof.

Hearing his cold answer was more infuriating than Mayumi had initially thought. She takes a step forward.

"Yuki is your brother, isn't he? How could you just ignore him or even worse, how could you just blatantly shake him off when he was clearly asking for help!" Her usual melodic voice crescendos with every word and the anger inside her heats up.

Ayame stays put in his place, standing his ground as his uncaring gold eyes meet her fiery hazel orbs. "I'm not a saint and I don't pretend I am. Not everyone is as kind as you think they are. I'm not even close with him."

His words just fuel the fire within her and she takes another step closer, her hands gripping onto his forearms. "I don't need you to be a saint! I don't need you to be as kind as I might think you are! I don't need you to be close with him! Yuki needs his brother! Why can't you understand that?"

"With our relationship, we might as well be strangers. What could I have done anyway?"

Mayumi felt like she wasn't talking to Ayame. Why was he acting so indifferent when he was one of the most empathetic people that she knew? For someone who was related to him by blood, it would be expected that he would be put at around the same level as her and their close friend group. Mayumi couldn't even begin to fathom how Yuki must have felt, to be alone with no one he can go to. So why couldn't Ayame feel the same? "Even if you feel like a stranger to him, you can't deny the blood that flows inside you also flows within him as well. Even if you couldn't do anything, at least he would know that someone cared enough!"

Not once has he moved from his spot as he stared down at his female friend and neither has his expression shifted once. But he was getting tired of her preaching to him about his connection with his brother and how it seemed as if she was painting him as the bad guy. "Don't imprint that image onto me, Mayumi. How could you understand my situation, outsider?"

Her grip slackens and she raises her hands to cup around her mouth, her eyes wide at his last word. Ayame's own eyes expand in size as he realizes what had slipped out of his mouth too late.

He reaches out to her. "Mayumi--" But when she flinches and steps back, he stops, the same hurt expression mirrored on his face.

"I didn't expect you of all people to say that to me," Mayumi says as she slowly backs away from him, her vision becoming blurry from the subtle tears running down her pale cheeks.

"Mayumi, I was just angry, I didn't mean it," he tells her, in a frantic manner, losing the usual flamboyant fluency in his haste to defend and clear himself.

She shook her head and her expression turned icy. "Yes, you did. People say what they truly think when their inhibitions are lowered." Turning around, Mayumi glances back at him one last time. "Goodbye, Ayame." After those words flow out of her mouth, she runs away, away from the snake zodiac, away from that toxic nuclear family, away from her friend. She doesn't turn back. What's done has been done.

"Is it true that Mayumi-sama and Ayame-kun are no longer speaking to each other?"

"Mm, I heard that it was because Mayumi-sama went to confront him about Yuki-sama."

The little boy inside the room gasps quietly and widens his gray eyes upon hearing this gossip from the servants standing near the door. He was pretty much indifferent to his older brother, but he loved Mayumi like an older sister. Even if the time he's spent with her hasn't amounted to very long, the comfort and warmth that she provided for him was something he could never repay her for. But now because of his situation, he indirectly caused the split between his brother and Mayumi. Yuki's mind starts to spiral downwards and in doing so, he loses his touch in reality, not noticing that the person he was thinking about had arrived within the vicinity.

"Please do not gossip about such matters so openly within the estate." Mayumi's voice cuts the servants off clearly with a stern tone. The two women hastily scramble in front of the regal lady.

"A-Apologies, Mayumi-sama."

The addressed female sighs as they clamber away to another part of the building. Her hand comes up to her head and she tugs away the elastic, letting her hair flow down her back. Placing the elastic in the pocket of her long white dress, she then opens the doors to Yuki's room and closes it swiftly, only to turn around and find him crouched in a corner sulking. It seemed as if he didn't notice her entrance because he would usually come over immediately upon the shutting of the doors. Maybe something was weighing heavily on his mind. Might as well have some fun with this.

Silently, with the stealth of a leopard, she stalks over to the hunched form of the child. Of course, a thought occurs to her, that maybe this wasn't the best idea, but she disregards it in favor of scaring the little mouse. She kneels before her hands come down onto his shoulders, effectively frightening the daylights out of him. "Yuki!"

His dark grey hair flying and his matching eyes widened as a yelp escaped from his mouth. He turns around to see the blonde-haired beauty behind him with a cheerful closed eye smile, arms open for a hug. Getting over the initial shock that she gave him, Yuki reaches out, but he falters when he remembers the rumors that the servants were gossiping over, his head dipping down as well.

His movement makes Mayumi frown slightly. Observing his lowered form, she lets her arms fall. A moment passes before she leans forward. "Yuki, what's wrong?"

He doesn't say anything, irrationally scared of what she might say or do if he opened his mouth.

Mayumi then remembers what the two maids had been talking about outside of his room, guessing that the issue must be caused by that. "Did you hear what they were saying?"

He nods.

"Do you think that they're true and are now blaming yourself?"

There's a pause before he nods his head again.

She smiles in understanding before pulling his smaller body in for a hug. He was now sitting sideways in her lap and he looked up at her hesitantly, expecting some kind of reprimanding expression, but was surprised to see that she had an accepting smile on her face. Her hand comes up to stroke his gray hair, calming him down and to show that she wasn't feeling anything negative towards him. He leans into her as the soothing actions lull him into a relaxed state. "Yuki, I'm just mad at your brother because he's being stupid. It is in no way, shape, or form, your fault at all. Don't worry about us. This is just a quarrel between two friends, which is totally normal."

Mayumi's soft voice leads him into a trance and he nods along to her words. There had been quite a bit of time in between her previous visit and the current one, and during that time, Yuki had been sleeping quite irregularly. With a combination of Mayumi's calming voice talking sweetly and her comforting warmth, it was inevitable that he was falling asleep in her hold. As much as he wanted to savor the rare moment of having the older female with him, he falls asleep as she hums an unknown lullaby.

Confirming he was deep in sleep, she carefully sets him down on his futon that was still on the floor from the night before. She pulls the duvet over and up to his neck, his frail body rising up and down slowly in a consistent pattern. Making sure he was all settled, she brushes away his bangs and presses a soft kiss to his forehead. A small smile makes its way onto her lips as she whispers, "Sweet dreams, Yuki."