064

The city’s pulse below me felt like a weak echo tonight, a gentle murmur against my ribs.

I had been rocking slowly for hours now, scalpels of moonlight slipping across my hair like cold fingers.

My fingers, slick with dried blood, toyed with the scalpel pendant again — Mori-san’s gift.

The small blade swung gently each time I breathed, catching on the thin skin of my knuckles, leaving faint scratches.

“Ah…”

I tilted my head, watching it spin in the moonlight.

The way it glinted, so sharp and precise, reminded me of the first time I had ever opened a human body. How warm the inside had been. How alive.

Funny.

I always liked seeing what was inside.

Tonight, though, I wondered what was inside me.

I remembered that scene at the bar — Dazai’s laugh, bright and real, spilling out like honey. Sakunosuke-san's calm presence beside him. Sakaguchi-san's resigned fondness.

A little constellation of warmth I had never truly stepped into, not even when Dazai clung to me as his obsession, not even when we claimed to understand each other so perfectly.

The realization coiled around my throat now, tight as a noose: maybe Dazai was never mine.

Maybe he never mirrored me at all.

I had always believed we were the same — two monsters gnawing on the edges of the world. But maybe he was always looking for light, and I was only ever looking for… the next cut. The next tear. The next hollow gasp of a dying thing.

Was that why it felt like my ribs were cracked open now?

I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t feel angry.

Just curious.

That same childish curiosity that had driven me to dissect my first bird as a boy, watching its tiny heart stutter in my palm.

I pressed the pendant tighter to my palm.

Then, suddenly, the chain slipped.

“Ah—”

My eyes widened slightly as the scalpel pendant clattered off my fingers, a silver flicker vanishing over the building edge.

The first thought that sliced through me wasn’t about loss, or panic, or even sentimentality.

It was Mori-san.

Mori-san's voice, cold and amused, telling me to “keep it close, like your own pulse.”

I lunged forward without hesitation, body tilting over the abyss. My fingers clawed desperately at the air where the pendant had vanished.

Just an inch more —

If I fell, I could teleport. That thought flickered faintly at the back of my mind, logical and clinical. But it didn’t matter. I needed to catch it. I needed it because… because…

I didn’t know why.

“—OI!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?!”

A rough yank jerked me backwards by the collar, air rushing from my lungs. My body hit the rooftop floor with a dull thud, knees scraping against the concrete.

I looked up slowly.

Chuuya’s face, twisted in a cocktail of rage and panic, hovered over me. His gloved hands still fisted in my shirt.

“The fuck is wrong with you?! Are you trying to die like that suicidal bastard?!” His voice cracked, louder than the city below, echoing in my skull like gunshots.

I blinked. Once. Twice.

Then something warm trickled down my cheek.

Ah. Tears.

Curious.

I reached up, fingers smearing across my face, feeling the wetness pool on my fingertips.

Chuuya froze mid shout, his eyes wide.

“H-Hey… Wait. You— Why are you—?!”

I stared at him blankly, tilting my head, the tears continuing to fall.

I didn’t feel anything. No grief. No fear. Just… a blank echo, a hollow vibration somewhere behind my sternum.

How disappointing.

Chuuya's eyes darted frantically, his mouth opening and closing like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how.

His fingers trembled slightly as he reached out, hesitating before they hovered over my damp cheek.

“Hey… hey, don’t... don’t cry, okay? Dammit...”

I watched his hands as though they belonged to an exhibit in a museum.

His touch was warm. Alive. So human it almost hurt to see.

His voice softened, shifting from a bark to a gentle murmur, as if he were speaking to a stray dog.

“Look… whatever it was you dropped, I’ll get it back. Okay? I swear. I’ll find it. Just… don’t look at me like that.”

His words tumbled over each other, clumsy and genuine in a way I had never been.

I felt my lips twitch.

Slowly, inch by inch, I curled them upward.

A smile.

Almost genuine. Almost.

“Thank you,” I murmured, my voice soft, fragile, cracking at the edges like a broken music box.

His breath caught, and the flush rose quickly up his neck to his ears.

He jerked his face away, scowling fiercely at the darkness.

“D-Don’t… don’t look at me like that, geez…”

I tilted my head again, studying the way his shoulders hunched, the way he tugged at his questionable hat as a pathetic attempt to hide his face.

He looked as though he was trying to hold the entire city in his hands, to protect it all from crumbling away.

How human.

How fascinating.

My chest gave a small, hollow throb.

I reached out, pressing a cold finger against the back of his gloved hand.

He jolted as though I had electrocuted him.

I didn’t pull away.

Instead, I leaned forward, eyes wide and unblinking.

“Will you really find it?”

His gaze snapped back to mine.

His eyes were burning. Honest.

“I swear on my life,” he growled, his voice shaking with something I couldn’t name.

I searched his face, scanned every micro movement. The twitch of his brow, the slight tremor in his lips, the flare in his nostrils.

It was real.

So real it felt almost impossible.

I let out a soft hum, tilting my head further, as if he were an insect pinned beneath glass.

“Mm… Alright,” I whispered. “I’ll trust you then.”

The words felt foreign in my mouth, like shards of glass I had accidentally swallowed.

Chuuya’s eyes widened again, that flush deepening, his breath stuttering as though he didn’t know what to do with the gift I had just handed him.

Trust.

I almost giggled.

Trust. What a strange, brittle word.

I shifted, curling in on myself slightly, my arms wrapping around my knees as I rocked gently again.

Chuuya hovered, uncertain, his gloved hands twitching as though wanting to reach for me and not knowing how.

“Hey… You… You okay?” His voice was softer now, almost a whisper.

I stared at him, blinking slowly.

Then, almost experimentally, I nodded.

He let out a breath, sagging forward as though a great weight had been lifted.

“Good… That’s… That’s good…”

He straightened abruptly, face twisting back into a scowl as he scrubbed at his forehead.

“I’ll go get that damn pendant, alright?! You just… stay put. Don’t do anything stupid.”

I didn’t remind him I could have teleported.

I just watched as he turned, the tension radiating off his small frame like heat.

He stepped forward, and then in a single blur of red energy, his body launched off the edge of the building, gravity bowing before his ability.

I watched the swirl of his coat, the sharp gleam of his boots catching the moonlight as he descended.

Beautiful.

Alive.

I pressed my forehead against my knees again, the motion automatic.

Ah…

That flush on his cheeks… the tremor in his voice…

So genuine.

I had always thought emotions were tools. Blades to cut open people’s soft underbellies, to watch them squirm.

But Chuuya — he was all raw edges, no blade at all. Just a living, breathing nerve exposed to the world.

I wondered…

Could I feel anything if I got closer to that warmth?

I lifted my head slightly, peering over the edge where he had vanished.

Perhaps… I should experiment.

I had never tried getting close to someone without a knife in my hand, without an agenda twitching behind my eyes.

Perhaps if I acted genuinely — or at least, as close as I could approximate — something inside me might stir.

I reached up, pressing my fingers to my cheeks again.

The tears had stopped.

No sadness. No grief.

Just curiosity.

A hollow sort of curiosity, like standing in an abandoned house and listening to the floorboards creak.

I flexed my fingers, feeling the thin scabs breaking open.

Chuuya…

I had always wanted to break him. To snap his spine with words, to see what color his insides would spill.

But maybe… maybe this would be more interesting.

I could approach it like a new experiment.

I could watch myself as I moved, note each reaction, each shift in his expression, each tremor in my own body.

Could I mimic that warmth? Could I feel that echo in my chest become something real?

My lips curled up again.

Not a smile. Just an upward twitch.

I sat there, watching the darkness below.

Minutes passed, and finally, I saw him again.

Chuuya landed on the rooftop with a loud thud, knees bent, hair whipping around his face like wildfire by the unforgiving wind.

He straightened, his gloved hand clenched around something.

My pendant.

“Mngh… Here,” he growled, striding over and thrusting it at me.

I took it slowly, my fingers brushing over his.

“Thank you,” I said again, softly, tilting my head slightly.

His face went bright red this time, his eyes darting away so violently I thought he might snap his own neck.

“D-Don’t… Don’t thank me like that…” He stammered, stepping back quickly.

I held the pendant up, inspecting it carefully.

Still intact.

Still sharp.

Still mine.

I wrapped my fingers around it and pressed it to my chest, right over my sternum.

I felt nothing.

Just the cold press of metal.

I looked up at Chuuya, his red hair plastered to his forehead, his breath still ragged.

So alive.

So bright.

My gaze softened, or at least, I pretended it did.

“Thank you… Chuuya,” I murmured again, adding a slight quiver to my voice.

His eyes snapped back to mine, wide and shimmering.

For a moment, I thought he might cry too.

But he just clenched his jaw, turned, and stomped a few steps away, muttering curses under his breath.

I watched him, fascinated.

Ah…

Perhaps this was the angle I had never tried.

No games. No manipulation.

Just… mimicry.

Pretend to be real.

See if I could become real in the process.

I rose slowly to my feet, the pendant still clutched to my chest.

Chuuya turned at the sound, his eyes darting over me as though checking for injuries.

“Hey… You sure you’re okay? You’re not… gonna do anything reckless again, are you?”

I blinked at him, then tilted my head, letting my hair fall slightly into my eyes.

“No… I’m okay.”

The words came out smooth, almost gentle.

He watched me for a long moment, his expression unreadable, before finally letting out a sharp sigh.

“Good,” he grumbled. “Because if you pull that shit again, I don’t care whether you're my superior or not — I’d kick your ass.”

I almost laughed.

Almost.

Instead, I just nodded, the motion small and childlike.

He studied me again, as though he didn’t quite trust the stillness he saw.

I wondered how long it would take for him to realize I wasn’t touched, wasn’t moved.

Only curious.

Always curious.

I felt the pendant press against my heartbeat, each thud echoing like a dull knock in an empty house.

Perhaps…

I could try to understand him.

I could watch the tremors in his body, the small flickers of warmth in his eyes, the flush of his skin.

Perhaps if I mimicked him enough, if I got close enough, something inside me would break open.

Or maybe I would just confirm that I was as hollow as I had always suspected.

Either way, it would be interesting.

I watched Chuuya step closer again, hesitating as though he wanted to reach for me but didn’t dare.

I tilted my head slowly, a small, almost shy smile creeping across my lips again.

“Chuuya,” I said softly.

His eyes jumped to mine, wide and startled.

“…What?”

I stepped forward, until I was close enough to feel the heat radiating off his skin.

“Thank you,” I repeated, my voice dropping even softer.

His breath stuttered again, his hands twitching at his sides.

“I… I already said—”

I reached up, my fingers brushing the edge of his coat, the faintest touch.

“Really,” I whispered. “Thank you.”

For a moment, he just stood there, frozen, his eyes wide and shining.

Then he took a shaky step back, swallowing hard.

“I… Yeah… You’re… welcome…”

I watched the way his throat bobbed, the way his fingers curled into fists.

So human.

So bright.

I wondered… if I tore him open, would that light spill out?

I almost reached for him again, but instead, I curled my fingers into my palm, feeling the edges of the pendant bite into my skin.

No.

Not yet.

For now… I would watch.

I would mimic.

I would get close enough to feel his warmth, to let it seep into my hollow spaces and see if anything grew.

Chuuya glanced at me again, his face still bright red, his eyes darting away quickly.

“We should… get inside,” he mumbled finally, stepping past me toward the door.

I watched him go, my head tilting slightly, the motion almost animalistic.

Then I followed, my steps silent and deliberate.

Behind me, the city shivered in the moonlight, the rooftop empty and cold once more.

I pressed the pendant harder to my chest, my fingers curling tighter.

Maybe…

Maybe this time, I would learn something new.

Or maybe I would just prove, once again, that there was nothing inside me to learn at all.

Either way…

How fascinating.

My lips twitched upward, a hollow echo of a smile.

Yes.

This would be an interesting experiment indeed.

And Chuuya…

He would be the perfect subject.