first love/late springs - mitski

More goodbyes.

𝖳𝗐：𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗍𝖺𝗂𝗇𝗌 𝗌𝗁． 𝗂𝖿 𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗌 𝗂𝗌 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗍𝗁𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝗌𝗍𝗋𝗎𝗀𝗀𝗅𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝗐𝗂𝗍𝗁 𝖺𝗇𝖽 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝗇𝖾𝖾𝖽 𝗌𝗈𝗆𝖾𝗈𝗇𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗍𝖺𝗅𝗄 𝗍𝗈， 𝗉𝗅𝖾𝖺𝗌𝖾 𝖽𝗈𝗇𝗍 𝖻𝖾 𝗌𝗁𝗒 𝗈𝗋 𝖾𝗆𝖻𝖺𝗋𝗋𝖺𝗌𝗌𝖾𝖽 𝗍𝗈 𝗍𝖾𝗑𝗍 𝗆𝖾．𝖨 𝗅𝗈𝗏𝖾 𝗒𝗈𝗎 𝖺𝗅𝗅, 𝗉𝗅𝖾𝖺𝗌𝖾 𝖻𝖾 𝗌𝖺𝖿𝖾♡︎

_________Jules' POV:

Two very numb days later and it was her funeral.I usually love fashion but I genuinely couldn't pick out an outfit. I sat on the floor of my closet tears streaming down my face and all my black clothes thrown on the floor.It's not fair. "Hey, we're gonna be late.. you need help?" Rafe asked while walking inside the mess of my closet. "No." I mumbled. "Come on Jules.." he muttered while pulling me up off the ground. I sighed, wiping my tears from my eyes for at least the 60th time. I picked up a black, modest dress, a pearl necklace and some black heels. I slid on my mothers pearl bracelets while curling my hair. Everything was going so well..I had my brother, friends, an amazing boyfriend, a mother. Now? I have a boyfriend who is so unhappy with me that he cheated, missing brother, missing friends and a dead mom. Living the life.

The car ride to the church was painfully quiet. I could actually hear my own heartbeat. "It's gonna be okay." Rafe said, finally breaking the silence. "Mhm." I muttered."You don't have to stay. I'm sorry I'm so sad. I don't expect you to want to stay with me. I won't be angry I'll understand." I murmured."I'm not going to make you go to your mothers funeral alone." He said while reaching for my hand."No, I mean the relationship. You looked happy while with that girl. I don't want to hold you back." I said while meeting his eyes."Jules. I don't want to leave you, ever. I don't know what I would do without you." He said while lifting my hand in his and placing a kiss on my hand.I know he says that he doesn't want to leave, but I don't want to drag him down with me.

I feel sick. Walking up and seeing the woman that birthed and raised me lay in a coffin. It was scary seeing her like this, she looks alive, like she's fallen asleep and she's just having a nap. But the way her chest didn't move and she didn't breathe made me realise very quickly that my mother isn't coming back. I held her hand and said my goodbyes."I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. I love you mom. I really am so sorry." I whispered while fighting back my tears that stung my eyes. "Come on, it's okay." I heard Rafe's comforting voice call out. Although he was right beside me, it sounded as if he was at the back of the church. It's like none of this is real. How can it be?I followed behind Rafe and we took our seats waiting for everyone to return to their seats. Rafe reached for my hand but although I love him, I don't want him to touch me. Anyone who gets close to me ends up missing or dead, or just stops caring about me. I pulled my hand away and placed them in my lap. I could feel Rafe's eyes on me but I didn't even have the effort to explain why I did that.

After the funeral, I had many of my mothers old friends coming over to give their respects and apologise for my loss. I don't even know what to say. "Thank you for coming." Is what I've been using, but I don't even know if that's what I should say. I've only ever been to one other funeral when I was 7.

A large group of people who my mother knew and I, all sat in a fancy bar. They were all sharing their stories of her, she sounded so amazing if she was sober. I mean she was, my mother wasn't all horrible. My mother was so, so kind while sober, she would tell me she loved me and we'd play games. Maybe it's not that exciting, but it's my best memory of her. I think the day she took me to the beach when her and my dad fought was the best memory I have with her. I must've been 3 so the memory is a little gappy but from what I remember Luke and Mom were in a really bad fight. JJ was a tiny baby at the time, he must've been around 3 months. Luke was clearly absolutely wasted, which mom didn't like. She brought it up to him that he needed to leave the house while that wasted. He told her to fuck off which resulted in them attacking each other. I remember taking baby JJ from the couch and bringing him into my room. We hid in my closet until the screaming stopped. All that was left was my mother crying and swearing. I remember her coming into my room and taking us both to the beach. Her black eye looked pretty bad, I think that was one of my last memories in the Obx before I left. She was an amazing woman while sober. It's just such a fucking shame that I rarely saw that side of her.

Rafe was still insisting on staying beside me, even though I didn't say a word since we left the church. I looked at the clock on the wall, reading 7:45pm, her friends were all drunk, sharing stories of my mother while I sat there with a horrible numb feeling.

We stayed until 10:00 before I felt bad since Rafe was basically sat in a room full of strangers listening to stories about a woman he didn't know. I didn't drink anything, I didn't eat anything. I just sat there, staring at the wall.

The drive home was the same as it was on the way there. Completely silent. "I'm sorry. I know you probably would have preferred to do something else." I mumbled while leaning my head on the car door. "Don't do that." He replied. I could feel his eyes burning into my back. "I'm sorry." I mumbled while playing with my hands. I truly am sorry. For what? I don't know where to start.

Driving into my driveway I felt a strange feeling come over me. It was a mix of feeling isolated, to feeling guilty, to feeling angry, to feeling so indescribably sad. "You coming?" Rafe asked while hopping out of his truck. I hate this. I hate all of it. "Yeah."

Rafe was insisting on making me dinner considering I didn't eat. "I won't eat it." I shrugged. "Well, in case you change your mind." He said while continuing to make carbonara pasta. "I'm going to shower. I'll be back in a little while." I said while twisting the bracelet around my wrist. Rafe nodded, he had a strange look on his face, almost like remorse mixed with guilt, the guilt I've seen before, when he helped me after the party he had the same look on his face. I bet the only reason he's still here is because he feels bad..

I kicked my heels off while sliding my dress off. I quickly wiped the remaining makeup from my face and began taking off my jewellery. Even just thinking of that night makes me want to claw my skin off.

As I stepped under the freezing water, I gasped as the cold water hit my skin. I want to feel awake. I don't want to continue this horrible feeling. I want to be normal. I want everything to stop hurting and just be normal. I used almost half a bottle of body wash just aimlessly scrubbing my skin, and sobbing as the feeling still remained in place. Why do I still feel dirty? I hadn't noticed it as much when I was with Rafe, but now that he's cheated it feels like he's not here. I scrubbed until my skin begun to peel and bleed. I sighed while flicking the shower off. I didn't feel any more awake. If anything I felt worse. I was looking through my drawers since I couldn't find my regular Vaseline when I noticed a small blade that I use for my razor. I've never had such a strong urge to harm myself, I never have before. I used to put my hand over a candle after my mom hit me when I was younger, but I was just a weird kid.

I picked up the blade and contemplated on wether I should or shouldn't. I know a lot of models I used to work with told me about how it helps when they're struggling. I always thought it was crazy to cause physical pain just to distract mental pain yet here I am sat on my bathroom floor holding a razor blade against the inside of my thighs. Maybe it's because I wasn't expecting it to actually cut me deeply, but when I dragged the blade against my skin, blood began dripping down my legs, a lot more than what I expected. I had to grab some tissues and try stop the bleeding. Once I had my tissues held against my thigh I realised it did help. The numb feeling feels less suffocating. I feel like I've breathed for the first time in three days. I began to stand up, feeling a horrible sting as my thigh rubbed against my other thigh. I didn't really think it through.I grabbed a pair of Black sweatpants and a white tank top. Sliding them on, I could feel the horrible feeling of the inside of my sweatpants getting stuck in the fresh cut. I winced before sliding them up all the way. I had put the blade in the back of my phone case, just in case I need to feel that way again.

I entered the kitchen and flashed Rafe a flat smile. "You feeling better?" He asked with a sincere look on his face. "Yeah. I just needed a shower, I'm sorry I've been so sad lately. I honestly feel a little better." I lied while flashing him a smile. Rafe narrowed his eyes on me before nodding and smiling. I don't know if he believes it, but as long as he doesn't see the cuts he shouldn't suspect anything.

Wholesome Rafe is coming back soon, I don't like cheater Rafe but I promise you all that it's important to the story! Anyway, the next chapter will contain some more sensitive topics like Eating disorders, if you are struggling with an eating disorder, I'm so so sorry and I do not expect you to read. Please take care of yourself. I love you all so much and thank you again for 1k reads!! ❤️❤️