Chapter 61

*WARNING: triggers of eating disorders found in this chapter that may be uncomfortable for you to read, but I felt like I needed to be said, the actual hell Anorexia and such is..

This is my personal experience, where My bones were practically sticking out of my back, and my hip bones were painfully sharp^^^

I've recently stumbled onto a 'pro anorexia tips and tricks' website, because someone screenshotted it and messaged me telling me that I should post a chapter on what it's really like, having first hand experience with it.

When you hear the word; anorexia, you think of beautiful, thin models, walking down the runway in their tiny clothing.

Nope. It's completely the opposite actually, I remembered where I was at the point when I could count my ribs, and I was absolutely terrified, but couldn't stop, and the worst part was that no one knew and thought that I was still the happy, bubbly, over-sarcastic girl eating normally, when I had been eating near below 200 calories daily, and burning off about 2000 during my daily functions and sports I've played.

You get the point, but I just wanted to say I completely understand how it is to have it control you, and not be able to break away and get the help you need. But if you CHOOSE to be anorexic, you're choosing to constantly be lightheaded and pass out, lose your period and potentially never have kids, lose most of your hair, your skin paler every day, and dark circles around your eyes(yes worse ones than you think you have looking like you haven't slept since 2003), being cold all of the time(literally blankets and heaters don't help you're actually dying inside), food being on your mind and never leaving, not being able to concentrate on anything but, sooooo many worse things, and you're choosing to kill yourself. You've heard it all before but I'm dead serious when I say once you start you can't stop. You think you have control over it,

but it holds control over you.

Aaaaaannndddd now that I've scared the shit out of you, enjoy the extra long chapter!

Play song when you see #*#*#

~•~•~•~•~•~•~*Payton's POV*"Kaden, get off of meeeeee," I whined as he was sitting directly on my back. "I said I was sorry!" I giggled, but found that it pained me to do so, seeing as he was literally sitting on my lungs.

"What's the magic word pappy?" He sang, not budging one bit,

"Kaden we've been over this before, i'm not saying Kaden is sexy," I muttered.

"Just did princess," he winks and gets off of me, hoisting me up over his shoulder and walking to the kitchen.

We had already watched the first Harry Potter movie, and I convinced him to let me do his makeup, which I basically just played around with some eye shadows. He washed it off after completely freaking out, and I just read one of the magazines he got me, and laughed at his struggle to get the makeup off.

Kaden finally set me down on the kitchen counter after the short walk down our high ceilinged hallway.

"You up for making pizzas?" He grinned. Pizza has and always will be Kaden's favorite food. I have personally witnessed him eat two whole pizzas in one sitting. Given he did throw up afterwards, it was still impressive and I saw him eating a cheese pizza the next day for lunch.

"Ehhhhh," I teased, obviously tempting him.

"We're making them," he decided, grabbing all of the ingredients that we had previously put away in the fridge and cupboards for later. I hopped off the counter, helping him get out utensils and preheating the oven.

"Want me to text the guys and tell them that we're making pizzas and to come over? Or do you want to be alone tonight, I get it if you do," he offered, opening a bag of pizza dough.

"No, you can text them I don't mind, they might help get me out of my dull sickly state," I laughed, opening the other bag of pizza dough.

"Kay, I'll let them know, and I think it's been 4 hours, you should drink more medicine," he told me, taking out his phone and shooting a text as I spread out the pizza dough on the floured counter, but failing miserably, ripping holes in the dough, and starting all over, balling it up together again.

I took the chance to look at Kaden, his dark blonde hair was styled messily into a quiff as it always was, and the light from the 7-o-clock setting sun was seeping through the blinds, making his brown eyes sparkle. His freckles and cute little moles spread around his face, making him that much cuter to me.

He finished up the text and put his phone back into his front pocket, and I prepared to respond as his attention was mine again.

"Nooooo, I don't wanna take any--" this is the point where I broke out into a mini coughing fit, which abruptly ended as I cleared my throat, "unnecessary medicine," I mumbled.

"Come here," he chuckled, pulling me towards the far kitchen island where my 'sick' day supplies were, which included the grape flavored drugs that I was about to ingest. Kaden opened the small bottle and measured out the 2 tablespoons I was supposed to take and gave me the cup. I breathed loudly before chugging the horrid contents and taking a drink from the glass of water set on the table near me from the last time I took the medicine.

"Better?" He asked, giving my forehead a small kiss. He was smart enough to avoid my mouth, considering death was basically spilling out of me.

"No," I pouted.

"You will be with pizza inside you, come on now," he dragged me back to our makeshift pizza stations.

I had managed to spread out the dough evenly on the rounded pan, and began to spread pizza sauce on when Kaden spoke up.

"I'll make pepperoni, and you make one with every topping?" He asked. I nodded my head in response, because my throat wasn't feeling up for much talking at the moment.

We continued to finish up our pizzas when I heard a familiar front door open, and the guy's voices filled the quiet house. The voices began to be louder and louder as they approached, and I had just finished putting the two pizzas into the oven.

"Sister!" Sean exclaimed, almost tackling me to the ground with his bear hug. He always did this, ever since we were little. I guess it was just a twin thing or something.

"I'm sick," I barely get out, my voice sounding harsh and croaky, nothing like my usual bubbly, slightly high pitched but not annoying tone.

"Eeeeuuuggh," he groans in a deep voice, his usual, pushing me away.

"Remind me to cough on your pillow later," I winked and hopped onto the counter once again.

"You better not, or I'm breaking off the heels to all of your stilettos," he retorted and I rolled my eyes.

The rest of the boys came in, and I waved a small hi. I noticed that Brooklyn wasn't here like he usually was, and felt a pang of guilt run through me. I didn't want to be the reason why he wouldn't hang out with his friends. I didn't say anything about it though, and chose to deal with it later or even better, not at all.

"Where's Brooklyn? I texted him.." Kaden brought up as if he read my mind. Thank god he couldn't though, some crazy shit goes on in there....

"We haven't seen him all day, I'll go over there and make him come over," Sean offered and Jack agreed to go over there with him.

I popped a watermelon throat drop in my mouth, letting it help my throat pain actually not be the topic on my mind for once this hour.

Kaden, Jack, and Matt were in the living room playing xbox or doing something else unproductive, while I was still in the kitchen on my phone, passing time while the pizza cooked.

I couldn't help but keep thinking about Brooklyn, and feeling really guilty for it all. I was the first girl he'd let down his barrier for after Emily, his dead first love. And I did this to him? Just dropped him for Kaden? I felt like I could burst from feeling so bad.. What if he never trusts a girl again? Or gets in a relationship because of me?

About 15 minutes passed, my mind wandering off, making me feel worse by the passing minute, the oven timer dinged, signaling that the pizzas were cooked and ready to be devoured.

I put on oven mitts and took the pizzas out of the oven one at a time, setting the circular pans on the granite countertop.

I got out my phone since I didn't want to yell and make my throat situation worse, so I just group messaged 'pizza's ready' to all of the guys, and within seconds they were all in the kitchen setting our large dinner table, getting plates and drinks out.

I noticed that Sean, Jack, and Brooklyn were here now, assuming they'd come in while I was waiting for the oven to be done.

I snatched the pizza cutter from Sean's hand, and started cutting the pizzas myself.

"You can't even draw a straight line, Sean, you're not making us eat circular, screwed up pizzas," I joked, cutting both pizzas. Everyone grabbed their pieces and sat down at the table.

I prayed to myself before eating, then cut the pizza into small pieces. For some reason I wasn't all that hungry, probably because I never wanted to eat when I was sick. I just stared down at the food in front of me, gulping, as the guys were eating and having some stupid conversation. I zoned out though, only hearing their voices, but not any words coming into my brain to process.

I forced myself to take a bite of my pizza, and then another, finding it difficult to swallow every time because of my aching throat. I just stared down at the pieces of pizza again, hoping to spark up some appetite.

#*#*#

"Payton?" I heard Kaden's voice say clearly before I snapped out of my daze and looked up to find all eyes on me.

"Hmm?" I asked, trying to act normal.

"Please eat," Sean said this time.

"I can't, I'm just not up for it, and my throat's not getting any better," I bit my lip, and swallowed, flinching a little at the pain associated with my throat.

I received glares from almost everyone, and there was a silence at the table for a short while.

"What's it like?" Kaden finally said, avoiding eye contact as I looked at him. I knew exactly what he was talking about.

"Do you really want to know?" I scoffed.

"Y-yes," he stuttered back. And the guys nodded too. I gave a loud sigh before I said anything.

"Fine. But when I'm done, I want no pity. No looks, no 'I'm sorry's', nothing. Understood?" I felt my voice strain, but kept talking. They nodded their heads once again and I continued.

(Since this is large text, I chunked it down to sections so it's easier to read since I always get overwhelmed and confused looking at straight text).

"Once you start, your mind isn't yours anymore. All you think about is your next meal, or whatever you can call the three bites of food you take, even on a good day. You're hooked, and you can't shake the feeling. You think you have control, that you can stop whenever you want, but you can't because it's already consumed you.

You can't even think for yourself anymore because your body shuts down from malnutrition. You can't think that, 'oh, this isn't working, I think I'll eat again', but no, you're desperate to eat less and work out more.

But you can't work out anymore, you aren't able to. Your muscles stop cooperating with you over time, and you'll end up panicking and eating even less to make up for not being able to work out anymore. By then you can't eat less though, you barely eat enough as is it, barely enough to stay alive.

It's working for you, but you can't see it. You always imagine yourself as some 400 pound person, when in reality, I was 80 pounds and I could count my ribs if I wanted to. Insane is the proper term for it, isn't it?

You become sick after a while, your skin becoming paler, you bruise really easily, your hair falling out at a frightening rate. Your teeth are sore, your body constantly aching, but you have no energy to do anything about it. Your period gone, which scares the fuck out of you because you just lost your chance of ever having kids if it doesn't come back when you stop, which you know you won't. Shall I go on?" I paused, and everyone was silent, blank expressions on their faces. I took it upon myself to continue. They asked, and I'm here to tell my story of the hell I trudged through by myself, when everyone left me for London.

"This doesn't seem to stop you though, because in your mind there's this image of perfection that you're absolutely positive you'll reach if you keep it up. Since you're going to win, why don't I tell you about the prize, huh? You'll be sickly thin. Ribs sticking out, hip bones sharp, but you won't see it though. Because when you look in the mirror all you would see is fat. You'll look at girls who weigh more than you, and you'll wish you were as skinny as them.

Oh, and the fainting? It's a regular. You pass out at random times, and feel dead and tired all of the time. You get used to it though, but the people around you don't, and you have to come up with some excuse, hoping they wouldn't push it any further.

The leg cramps are the worst, because when you usually get them, you just rub them out and they go away. But there is no knot to rub away. There's barely any muscle because your body ate it all to barely survive. You can just lie there and try not to scream because the pain's a lot to take when you know you can't do anything about it. And believe me, I'm like fucking wolverine and I'm telling you it hurts like a bitch.

Headaches are bad too, coming and going at the worst times. You can try taking some aspirin, or don't, because your stomach's too empty and you'll throw up.

You'll also get chest pains, heart palpitations are fun, I mean riding in ambulances are always meant to brighten up your week..

And then you get depression from the nutrient deficiency. Then you develop sleep insomnia. Because who needs sleep right? You can't concentrate or think straight anymore, you become jittery, and start to stutter a lot. Your memory's gone now too, barely remembering what you wanted to say becoming a common occurrence for you.

It's still worth it to you, because you're basically not thinking straight, and you keep on thinking that this is the best fucking idea ever, or you don't. Either way you can't control it anymore, it controls you now.

But one day it all ends, you either die, or recover, death being the easier option. Maybe people will start finding out once you decide to recover. If you decide to. They treat you so, so differently, maybe even call you fat for fun.

But you know that you need this to survive, and you force food into you, disgusting, horrible, terrible food that makes you want to panic and cry. If you're lucky enough to slowly recover, you're never the same again, because this will always be a part of you.

That's what it's like. It gets to the point where you'd rather die than try and get help." I finished, taking a long sip of water, helping my parched throat so, so much. It was still silent, and I continued cutting up the pieces of my pizza, but had no temptation to eat any. I set my utensils down and looked up to see everyone still staring at me.

"Who wants cheesecake?" I hopped up from the table and headed into the kitchen to grab the cheesecake that our cook Mary prepared. She was the best at making meals, but desserts were a whole other story. I walked back into the dining area to see the guys still not moved from their places, no words spoken since I'd gotten up to leave a minute ago.

"Jesus, guys, I'm fine now. I promise, my throat actually hurts a lot and I don't feel that hungry. I'll eat some pudding or something if you guys will stop acting like this," I rolled my eyes and started cutting the cheesecake into small pieces.

Kaden just got up from his seat next to me, and pulled me into a hug.

"I know you said no pity and this isn't, I just wanted to say sorry for leaving you to go to London with Sean. We shouldn't of left you all alone like that," his voice came out rough-like, like he was on the verge of crying. All of these guys were looking like they were, honestly., which only made me want to hug all of them and tell them that I'm okay now.

"It's not your fault, it was happening anyways, but I'm okay now. I really am," I pulled out of the hug. "Now just because I told you, doesn't mean you treat me like some delicate thing you can break just by breathing on. I'm still me, and will literally not talk to any of you anymore if I receive any pity. It's the worst thing that could happen, and I'm not going to put up with it because I'm fine." I said, more for myself than anyone else. "Now seriously, who wants cheesecake?" I chuckled, picking up the first slice.

The rest of the night went on, slightly awkward. They wanted to know, and I told them. I wasn't gonna lie, or hold back or anything like that.

The guys left, and Kaden did too, sadly. But it was for the best, I mean cuddling with me would probably get him sick too, and two cranky sick people were sooo much worse than one in a household.

My eyes were shutting themselves, as I made my way upstairs to my room. I had just taken nighttime cold medicine, and was already practically asleep before I reached the door to my room.

Collapsing on to my bed and pulling the covers over me, I let sleep overtake me, no thoughts for my mind tonight.

I was in a deep sleep, and there wasn't anything to keep me from the peaceful slumber I've been craving for hours.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~Hey guys, hope you liked this long chapter, I just wanted to let you know that anyone who's going through anything, eating disorder or not, I'll try my best to help.

If you're struggling with Anorexia, or even considering doing it, please, please message me.

I just want you all to know that I'm always here to talk and help in any way that I can, and from personal experience, I would love to help you out since I know what you're going through.

Xxo- Madi❤️