bros before hoes, or whatever the saying was

[...]

The next morning, the sun was definitely too bright when Phuwin woke up, dazed and lost, his body covered in sweat. He was feeling too hot, the weather of Thailand catching up to him in this mid-June, as he tossed and turned at least five times before giving up and opening his eyes. He was tired. Too tired. And above all, still lingering into his sleep. He kicked the blanket off him, gripping the edges of his shirt to strip. He wanted to be naked. But when his eyes blinked to the ceiling, his movements stopped.

He wasn't in his house. Neither in his room. And there were a lot of noises outside, two people were screaming. It didn't take much time for Phuwin to recognize his best friend's voice, even muffled by the closed door.

— You had no rights, you asshole!

— What the hell are you talking about?

Pond?

Phuwin stiffened instantly, the memory of last night flashing through his mind like a sudden blow he couldn't shield from. Fuck, fuck, fuck! He did not. His finger raised to the tip of his lips, caressing slowly, before he closed his eyes, his brows furrowing immediately into a thin line. A sigh escaped his mouth as he massaged his temples, feeling both stupid and irresponsible. His attention drifted from the conversation happening outside as he kept caressing his lips, sighing louder even if the warm creeping down his neck was telling a different story.

His lips. His hands. His words.

He exhaled out deeply, a bit shaken. Phuwin tried to hold the thoughts in, but they kept barging, and barging, and provoking a mess inside of him. He huffed, turning on his side as a headache was taking over him. His hands steady on his own waist. His breath fanning on his own lips. His tongue running over his bottom lip, entering his own mouth. Oh God. Phuwin groaned, remembering it all. From their messages through Dew's phone, to the car ride, to this moment when everything shifted, and to this floating instant when Phuwin found himself electrify by every of Pond's breathing, or touch, or word, that led him to sit on his lap, in his car, where they kissed each other like tomorrow would never raise.

Until, tomorrow did raise.

And we were tomorrow.

Now everything would be so fucking weird and Phuwin was pissed. He did not know what possessed himself, he did not know what happened in his mind last night—probably nothing—and he did not know what led him to be sitting on his best friend's brother's lap. Like that was fucking crazy. For the plot? What damn plot? Ruined holiday when it didn't even start?

Phuwin felt so stupid he wanted to slap himself. He wouldn't say he wasn't the type to kiss anyone when drunk, because it did happened before, but it was never that serious, that passionate, that fucking insane. He never felt so good kissing someone, and, if it wasn't dramatic enough, he didn't even feel like regretting it that much. If he even regretted it just a little bit.

And above all, he wasn't drunk last night.

He was tipsy, yes. Under the influence, yes. But what he drank didn't have much effect on him.

Pond did.

Pond did.

— Oh my God! he groaned, sinking into the sheets as if it could swallow him entirely.

Now, if he didn't want things to get embarrassing, he would need to shorten his stay here, and go back to his burning house, where a business he didn't want to take over was waiting, constant and insistent, pressing with all the expectations from his own family. He really didn't want to.

— Fuck you Pond! You know I like him! So why would you flirt with him?

Phuwin's stomach churned. Pond flirting with someone else? The thought made him instantly more worried than his best friend's voice spatting loudly with words he didn't get. Dew like someone? Huh? Phuwin's eyes shot open as he stayed still on the bed, suddenly scared that if he breathed a bit too loud, everything would collapse. He wasn't the type to eavesdrop, he never really liked being in between fights, especially when it seemed to be so serious like now. The feeling of assisting something he shouldn't, settled and his heart thumped in his chest at a weird pace. He felt out of space, once again.

— I don't know the fuck you're talking about, Dew.

— Oh yeah? And what were those messages with Phuwin last night, huh? That wasn't flirting maybe?

The sarcasm was louder and bitter than the silence that followed. Phuwin's heart dropped to his stomach, something like understanding finally crossing his mind.

He knew his best friend by heart and the way he sounded right now... So enraged. So out of his mind. And so... jealous. Made him fear something he would have never guessed.

— Say something Pond! Tell me it's not what I think! Tell me my brother didn't just flirt with the guy I have a crush on when he knew exactly about my feelings! Just fucking say it!

That was it.

— He's your best friend.

— Fuck you Pond! Just fuck you!

Phuwin gasped, finding air suddenly hard to catch. His heart stayed in his stomach, as he tried to take a deep breath, panic rising through him, the statement so unexpected he felt like everything just got stuck in his dry throat. No fucking way. The silence that surrounded the whole place now felt suffocating and Phuwin asked himself what he did to God to get punished like this. His heart thumped at a very bad pace, not wanting to accept the harsh truth. The harsh reality. Dew just couldn't. He couldn't. He couldn't. But he did. He just said it. No. Not this. Phuwin didn't want to understand, he wished it was a misunderstanding but everything was clear. Dew likes him. His best friend likes him. Fuck. No matter what he wanted, the reality remained unchanged, his best friend had a crush on him, and that was making things so much worse.

Because now, not only did he kiss Pond, but he also broke his best friend's heart, without knowing, without realizing. And by kissing his own brother. And both thoughts were unbearable right now.

His breathing came shallow. Phuwin tried to ground himself but everything felt so overwhelming suddenly that he was scared he was having a panic attack. He really couldn't. Not now. The words were hard to swallow, and everything starting from last night to now was making him feel so small, so out of space, so out of it. He wanted to run away but his whole body wouldn't move. He felt paralyzed. He would have never guessed that Dew would have developed feelings for him. The thought was making him slightly uncomfortable, but he knew it wasn't his best friend's fault.

Phuwin kept his eyes shut, maybe if he wasn't seeing anything, nothing was really real. The voices muffled by the door blurred with the memory of last night and everything mixed up. But damage was done, he knew something he shouldn't have known, and he also did something he shouldn't have done. The guilt spread all over his body like poison before he tried his bestest to take a deep breath. It didn't exactly work, his stomach was churning so badly he got scared he would just puke. He wished he never knew anything. He wished he never kissed his best friend's brother and unconsciously broke his heart. He was also mad, at Pond, because from what he heard, the latter knew his own brother had a crush on him. How could someone ever do that? To his own family?

But the worst part was still the fact that Phuwin knew he wasn't innocent in all of this. He even was the reason everything seemed to collapse, and now, he really felt like puking. He held it in. His breathing raged even if he tried to control himself. He couldn't. It didn't work like that. His heart was thumping so hard against his chest he felt like it could have jumped out of his body. And maybe that wasn't a bad idea.

He felt his own thoughts swallowing him alive as something seemed to shatter outside. This time, his eyes shot wide open, the muffled swear words grazing to his ears. He rose up, a bad feeling spreading through his veins. The worry in his eyes deepened the concerned look he was already having as he grabbed his tossed shirt and put it on. Phuwin wasn't thinking much when he opened the door, his feelings at the edge of his lips, threatening to spill over. He only cared about his best friend and what might have happened for such a powerful sound to resonate. Nobody was hurt right? They wouldn't just-

Phuwin's heart sank anew in his stomach.

— Pond?!

He rushed at the man visibly injured, dropping to his knees to reach his level. Phuwin's eyes widened when he realized the bruise under his left eye, covering the beautiful mole he wanted to kiss last night. Pond was holding his nose, the blood dripping from it. When the latter raised his face, something in his eyes seemed shattered, but as quickly as possible, like a shield, he immediately covered the glinter inside with a sarcastic sneering.

— Talking about the devil, huh.

Phuwin didn't like his tone. Worry crept into his heart as he looked up, left to right, right to left, as if he could have reconstituted the scene with just a look. Pond snickered again, like a madman, totally humorless. He was livid but he still had that stupid smile on his face, like everything that just happened was trivial. Nothing.

His eyes were telling a different story, if we looked well enough.

And Phuwin did, and his heart churned even more.

— He's gone, Phuwin Tangsakyuen. You should run after him, I can't exactly do that right now.

— What happened?

Pond rolled his eyes, another sarcastic and humorless laugh escaping his mouth. But his lips twitched weirdly when Phuwin gently took his wrist, a short pressure, for him to let go of his nose. To let him see the damage. The ugliness under such a pretty face.

— Wait, said Phuwin with urgency.

Pond wanted to laugh again, because the situation was so comical and messy he was asking himself what was so wrong with him. If, no matter what was his intention, he would always fucked up. Maybe his parents weren't wrong after all. Maybe he was an assohole. Maybe, at the end of the day, he didn't deserve anything but misery.

Yeah, he was a lost cause.

And Phuwin was still here. But when he would know... He sneered at himself, his eyes closing with a weird feeling creeping around his heart. The guilt was having his head now. Now after the damage was already done. Always after the damage was already done. He jolted, his eyes shooting open when he felt gentle fingers on his skin. A cold paper draped softly under his nose, as Phuwin looked so focused on it, eager to stop the bleeding.

Pond's stomach churned. Or fluttered. He couldn't differentiate with all the bad emotions that were swallowing him alive. He just felt stricken once again when his eyes fell on the serious yet gentle expression Phuwin was wearing while trying to stop the bleeding from his nose. He almost looked... worried? No, impossible. He didn't deserve any of it.

His brother did.

His brother did.

Before he could think further, Pond opened his mouth, destroying everything like he always does. It was running in the family apparently. He wanted to laugh at the thought but honestly, it wasn't even funny.

— Dew likes you, Phuwin.

He took a deep breath, diverting his gaze when Phuwin looked up at him, right into his eyes, right into his dirty soul.

— And I knew it. Yet, I still tried to hit on you. And if it wasn't sufficient, I also kissed you. All that while I knew damn well my little brother likes you. I really shouldn't be the one you're worried about right now like seriously... go.

Pond's heart was too heavy. He felt like an asshole. Both because he just broke his little brother's heart by kissing the guy he liked, and also because despite this, he still appreciated too much how Phuwin was taking care of him. He really was an asshole, a lost cause, like his parents always told him. They were right, he probably couldn't be saved. He probably didn't deserve love. Who would have done that to his own little brother? What was wrong with him, seriously?

A deep shiver ran down his spine when he felt gentle yet firm fingers turning him around by his sharp jaw. The contact was as electrifying as last night's memory of lips he would never forget.

Of the feeling of having Phuwin Tangsakyuen pressed against him.

— Is Dew bleeding?

Pond didn't want to acknowledge how his own heart sank a little when he heard the worry directing toward his own brother, his feelings contrasting and battling with each other. He was so selfish, even in those moments, even after such a confrontation, he was still thinking about himself. About how bothered he felt hearing such worry in Phuwin's mouth toward another guy. Someone who wasn't him.

He swallowed hard, trying his best not to let his own selfish emotions spill. He had no rights, he never did.

— No but-

— Then you're my priority for now.

Pond's heart skipped a beat, and from that moment on, he knew he was totally screwed.

He would have never let that pretty man with such a pretty heart, get stolen by anyone, even his own brother. He was too selfish for it. He couldn't help it.

If he was already considered being such an asshole, might as well be doing it well, right?

Pond felt even more bad thinking like this.

Like he always did.

Like he could never change.