WEEK FIVE: Friday (Touji)

"Let's have a look," the orthopedic doctor said as he started unwrapping my right hand. "How's the pain?"

"Better, I think," I replied. "It's hard to tell with all the medicine they're giving me. It doesn't really hurt right now." I had a bit of a numb, head-spinny feeling going on, but the throbbing pain from yesterday had subsided.

"Then the meds are doing their job. I'm going to change out the dressings and make sure everything's healing up right."

I flinched as he got the bandages off, not because of pain but because of how the injuries looked. My fingers and hand were swollen, purple and blue from my fingertips all the way to my wrist. There were about nine lines of stitches crisscrossing my palm, the base of my ring finger, and the first and second joints of my first finger. And then there were smaller healing cuts and puncture wounds that had scabbed on their own without stitches. The most severe-looking damage was along the center and top of my palm, where two long, vivid red lines met in a lopsided V close to my thumb.

"Mm. Good," the doctor said, tilting my hand to inspect each row of stitches. "You got very lucky, young man. These were some deep cuts, but there was barely any tendon damage. Once these stitches come out you shouldn't need much physical therapy to regain full range of motion."

There was something else, though, that didn't look right. It took me a full minute to actually figure out what it was, and then I gasped.

"My bracelet," I said, looking up at the doctor frantically. "Where is it? It's gone!"

"Bracelet?" he repeated, fitting clean gauze against my palm and fingers. "If you had any jewelry on when they brought you in, they removed it for surgery. You'll get it back when you're released."

My eyes were pricking hotly as I stared at my bare wrist. I couldn't lose that bracelet. "You're sure they still have it?"

"You can ask Doctor Taisuke or one of the nurses, they can probably find out for you." He finished re-bandaging my hand and switched to the other one. It had somewhat less damage, but still looked just as swollen.

I sat biting the inside of my lip as he inspected those stitches as well, applied fresh gauze pads and wound a new bandage-mitten around it. "How long do I have to wear these bandages for?" They were really annoying, and if I got my bracelet back, I wouldn't be able to wear it until the dressings came off.

"The stitches can be removed in about ten days. Keep them covered like this until then. The wounds need to stay clean, but you can't wash your hands because if you get the stitches wet they'll become very uncomfortable. I'll get you a pair of gloves you can wear for bathing, so that they stay dry." He completed the wrappings, made a few notes on his tablet, then barely nodded at me before he was out the door.

His bedside manner left something to be desired, I decided, inspecting my newly bandaged hands. It bothered me a lot that my bracelet was missing. I wasn't ready to let go of Yuzuru yet. I needed more time.

Speaking of which, I glanced up at the clock over the door. It was more than an hour yet until visiting time started. Doctor Taisuke was supposed to stop by at eleven, and I was actually looking forward to it because I was going out of my mind with boredom.

Mental health patients weren't allowed television, electronics, phones, or the internet. There were card and board games out in the common area, but most of us were hardly in the mood to sit and play games with strangers. We were supplied with thick markers and paper-bound notebooks if we wanted to draw or journal. I couldn't hold a pen, so that was out. There was a piano in the common area, but I couldn't play that either. I couldn't turn the pages of a book or magazine. I couldn't do any of the little craft projects set out at the tables, not that I really wanted to anyway.

So the only things to do here were meeting with doctors, mealtimes, med times, visiting hours with family, and sleeping. I had actually slept last night, heavy and hard, thanks to the cocktail of medications they were giving me. It wasn't the sweet, restful kind of sleep that came when Yuzuru was next to me, but at least there had been no nightmares. My head felt clearer.

Sighing, I went over to the table under the window and sat down, watching the cars gliding by in the street below. I wasn't sure how high up this floor was, but if I stared hard enough at the foot traffic across the street I could imagine I recognized some faces. Yuzuru wouldn't be out there, of course. I wished my room faced some other part of the hospital instead of the street, so I might have hope of seeing him. But since this was all I had, I occupied myself by squinting at every sandy-haired guy that passed by, trying to transpose Yuzuru's face onto theirs. I wanted to see him so much. Even if it was just to make sure he was okay.

Without the internet, I couldn't even check the Instagram site for updates.

The first thing out of my mouth when Doctor Taisuke finally entered the room was, "Do you know what happened to my bracelet?"

"Hm?" She joined me at the table, tablet in hand. Today her scrubs were mermaid-themed, and she had a matching scrunchie with seashells in her hair. I didn't think anyone wore scrunchies anymore. "What bracelet?"

"It's a silver arrow on a black cord. I should've had it on when I came in." Of course, I couldn't be sure about that because I still didn't remember anything about that night. What if I'd lost it in the accident that had injured my hands? What if it had fallen off in the ambulance and gotten lost? I was suddenly having a hard time breathing.

"Don't worry," Doctor Taisuke said with a smile. "Personal items are given back when you're discharged."

"I don't care about anything else, just that bracelet. I need it. Do you know where it is?"

"Mm, well, if it was taken off in surgery it was transferred down to admissions to be held until you check out."

"Is there any way to be sure?" I was trying not to panic, but my heart was going too fast.

She looked me over more closely. "Hey, breathe, it's okay. This is really important to you, isn't it?"

I nodded urgently.

"Okay, tell you what. When I get done with my rounds this morning I'll make a few calls and see if I can confirm it's down there."

I swallowed. "Thank you."

"In exchange, can you tell me why it means so much to you?"

"It's..." I could picture Yuzuru's fingers winding the cord around my wrist. You can't ever take it off, okay? We're gonna wear these until they break.

Ah, my chest hurt. I pressed one bandaged hand over my heart. "It's the only thing I have left of him."

The doctor tapped her stylus to her lips. "Your ex?"

"Mm."

"I'm curious." She tucked her chin into one hand and looked at me. "You clearly care for him very much. What ended the relationship?"

I pressed my lips together, trying to keep tears at bay. "Do we have to talk about that? I really don't want to."

"You don't have to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable, Touji-kun. It's just that I can see how sad it makes you. If you ever do want to talk it through with someone, I'm happy to listen." She patted my knee. "So let me ask you a few questions about the medicines, then. How did you sleep last night?"

"Okay," I said.

"Any nightmares? Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep?"

"Uh-uh."

"How did you feel when you woke up?"

"Normal, I guess." As normal as anyone waking up in a mental hospital could feel, anyway.

"Excellent. We'll keep you at the same dose for tonight, maybe we've found something that will work for you. How's your appetite so far today?" Her gaze moved to the breakfast tray on the table, where everything had long gone cold.

I shrugged. I didn't think about food much. It was even harder without Yuzuru and Umeki around, they were the ones who always motivated me to eat. In the hospital the nurses just brought the food and walked off. I could have carried it out to the common room to eat with other people, but I didn't like it out there. A depressing aura hung over the place, like we all knew none of us wanted to be here. It wasn't exactly the kind of atmosphere to stimulate an appetite.

Doctor Taisuke marked something else on her tablet. "I think your family said they'd come see you at lunch. I want you to try eating something then, all right? You shouldn't be taking your medications on an empty stomach."

"Okay."

"One last question." She looked at the hand that I was still holding to my chest. "Does it seem like your feelings of anxiety have toned down at all? I know you're worried about your bracelet, but other than that how are you feeling?"

That was hard to say. I was probably more relaxed than usual, though that could be due to boredom and the pain medication making me loopy. "I don't know. Okay, I guess." I realized that was probably not the most helpful answer, but she didn't protest.

"All right, then. You're due for another round of meds, I'll get them for you." She stood and gathered up her tablet.

"You're leaving?"

She smiled. "Well, unless you have something else you want to talk about. Anything still bothering you?"

Yuzuru. Missing him was bothering me. Hurting him was bothering me. Loving him when my family would clearly never accept our relationship was bothering me. But more than any of that... the fact that he didn't want me anymore made me feel hollow all the way to my core. I was pretty sure she wouldn't be allowed to bring me news of him, though.

Doctor Taisuke was eyeing me patiently, like she could see the turmoil on my face but wouldn't press for details.

I didn't want her to leave yet, though. "Doctor, is there a way to... how do you take someone out of your heart?"

Her expression softened, as if it was a question she'd been asked many times. She sat at the table, slowly, and set her tablet back down. "Now that's something human beings have been asking themselves since the dawn of time, Touji-kun. Love is a funny thing. It doesn't just affect your emotional and physical responses to someone. The most powerful loves are transformative. They become part of your being. Loving that much is as frightening as it is wonderful."

That didn't answer the question, though.

"Touji-kun, you can't remove a person like that from your heart without also losing a piece of yourself. There are times when the sacrifice may be worth it. But if your only reason is because holding on hurts, you'll have to consider that letting go may not hurt any less."

"But what if they let you go first?"

"Mm." Her crooked teeth showed through a gentle smile. "Then you should remember that love isn't only a two-way street. Just because one side changes direction all of a sudden doesn't mean the other has to. When you're ready to move on, you'll know."

The warm and fuzzy feelings that accompanied her words didn't have any real clout, because that still wasn't an answer. I loved Yuzuru, I missed him, he was done with me, and I didn't know what to do with that. It had been a week, and I still couldn't figure out what to do with it.

She left, and I sat staring out the window at the street until another nurse came, letting my family into the room. Shino was with them again. I guess they really were treating her like one of the family now.

"Touji," Mom said, "why are you sitting in here all alone? You should be out in the common room making friends."

I was pretty sure that under most other circumstances, the other patients in the mental health ward were not people she would want me cultivating friendships with. Still, I let myself be talked into going out into the much more brightly-lit common space, so we could sit together at one of the tables and eat the lunch that the nurses brought. I obediently downed the little cup of assorted pills they gave me, which made my mom beam with approval. There were shadows under her eyes, and her upper eyelids were puffy like she'd been crying a lot. I felt terrible for making her worry so much.

Then I did my best to try and eat, because I'd told Doctor Taisuke I would, and because I wanted to make Mom feel better. She insisted on feeding me herself, so I swallowed mouthful after mouthful while my parents struggled to find cheery things to say about the place. In spite of the soothing gray-blue walls and plush furniture, it was hard to ignore the awkward vibe when I was sitting here in a hospital gown and robe, and other patients were shuffling by muttering and singing to themselves.

When I was finally able to convince Mom that I was full, and she put the plastic spork down, I slid my chair a little closer to Shino.

"Hey. Um. Have there been any updates?"

"Updates?" she echoed.

"To the Instagram site."

Mom waved her hands quickly. "Honey, don't you worry. Your dad's done a great job keeping all of this off the public radar. Nobody but us knows you're here, sweetheart, I promise."

That wasn't something I'd even thought about. Shino's nose scrunched the tiniest bit, so I knew she'd understood what I was asking. I bowed slightly to my parents.

"Thanks, you guys, really. But that's not what I meant."

Shino shook her head with a regretful quirk of the lips. "I'm sorry, there hasn't been anything new for a couple of days."

I closed my eyes in disappointment. I could feel the medicines starting to mellow in my head, like sips of good sake. "Mom, Dad, would you guys do something for me?"

"Of course, honey," Mom said right away.

"Yuzuru-san." I opened my eyes in time to catch her exchanging nervous glances with Dad. "He's somewhere in this hospital. His mother had a really bad heart attack or something. I know he won't talk to me, but I can't stop worrying about him. Could you guys go find him? Just... see if he's okay. If his mom's okay. If they need anything. If—" My voice cracked, and I had to cough.

"I don't think that would be appropriate," Dad said uncomfortably.

Natsuki and Shino were locked in some kind of intense staring battle that I didn't care to try and decipher. I stood from my chair and bowed to my parents properly. "Please. Please?"

"Now, stop that, Touji." Mom tugged at my sleeve until I sat back down, and her eyes were glimmering with tears. "Honestly, it kills me to see you wasting so much heartache on this boy when he doesn't deserve it. Hasn't he made it clear that his priorities don't include you?"

I exhaled like the wind had been knocked out of me, and she took hold of my forearm, stroking my hair out of my face with her other hand. She was right, of course, but I shook my head. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'm really sorry." I looked around at all of them, and they were all giving me the same horrified, compassionate eyes, which just made my guilt worse. "I know he doesn't feel the way I do, but it doesn't matter. I still need to know if he's all right. I need to know. Please, you guys."

"Oh, baby, can't you just focus on taking care of yourself? We all want you to come home. We want our sweet, happy Touji back."

My hands wanted to curl into fists, and strained against the bandages so hard that pain flashed like streaks of light behind my eyelids. It was embarrassing to be begging like this, especially when they didn't like even the idea of Yuzuru, but I couldn't go much longer without news of him. My bracelet was gone, I didn't have any phone or internet, I couldn't even ask Tajiri for an update. My family was the only resource I had. "Please," I whispered again.

"I can't take this anymore," Shino snapped. I hung my head even further.

"Quiet, Shino," I heard Natsuki growl.

"No, this is not okay! Do you not see what you're doing to him? Tell him. Tell him right fucking now, or I will."

Oh god. Had something happened to Yuzuru? Is that why they were all being so tight-lipped and tense? I stared at Shino in terror. "Tell me what?" Had his mom died? Please, god, no...

Natsuki grabbed Shino's wrist and started dragging her away from the table. "We're leaving, let's go."

"Don't touch me," she snarled, shoving him back.

My mom's mouth dropped open with indignation and she rose to her feet. "How dare you!"

"Tell me what?!" I shouted, jumping up. My pulse was going so fast I was starting to get tunnel vision.

Shino fixed her sharp eyes on me. "Touji, they're lying. Your boyfriend didn't break up with you because Houka threatened him."

"Shino, shut up!" Natsuki seized her shoulder.

She spun around and pushed him again, then whirled back to me. "He broke up with you because your parents were going send you to America if he didn't, and he was afraid something like this—" she waved a hand in the air, indicating the entire common room, "—would happen. He was protecting you."

The words went through my chest like a round of archery.

He

was

protecting

you.

My lungs forgot how to inhale. Shino stood there holding my eyes earnestly as Natsuki took her by one arm and one of the nurses got the other. This time she didn't fight, and so when Natsuki was sure the nurse had hold of her he let go and pointed a finger in Shino's face instead.

"You and I are finished, you hear me? We're through. And I swear to god if Touji hurts himself again because of this, I'll—" He couldn't seem to come up with a way to end the sentence, and instead spat at the nurse, "Get her out of here!"

Shino didn't break eye contact with me, but I saw a tear roll down her face. What had she just done? Why? Somewhere off to my right I heard my mom crying curses at Shino, and Dad stood up to put his arms around her. He, too, was glaring at Shino and trying to comfort Mom as the nurse escorted Shino toward the exit.

"It's true, isn't it?" I said, directing the question at my brother. Everything inside my body was quivering and icy cold. It had to be true, because if Shino was spouting one of her usual troublemaking fibs everyone would be busy denying it instead of crucifying her with their eyes. Not to mention, while Shino loved drama, she loved my brother more. She was far too smart to risk her relationship with Natsuki for the cheap thrill of torturing me.

"Touji, don't pay attention to her, you know what she's—"

"You guys took him from me?" My stomach heaved, but putting a hand over my mouth wasn't going to help because it was covered in bandages.

Natsuki lunged and managed to catch me just before my hands slammed into the table. "Bro, calm down. Listen, just listen, we're your family, we love you more than anything. You know we'll do whatever it takes to protect you."

"Protect me?" My eyes were going to burn right out of my head. "How is this protecting me?"

"Look what that boy has done to you, baby," Mom said, mascara streaking her face. "Look where you are right now! Look at your hands! This is all his fault!"

I couldn't even make my vocal cords work in response to that. All I could do was shake my head. I couldn't remember a single other time, in all my life, that my parents had lied to me. Lies weren't how our family operated. Even when Shino and I had been sleeping together, I hadn't lied to Natsuki about it. A deep, cold rift cracked through my guts, spilling ice into my veins. It wasn't just that they couldn't accept that I was gay. They'd conspired to cut me off from someone I loved. They'd done it behind my back and then lied about it, and it was so much more than a betrayal.

It meant they didn't trust me to make choices about my life.

It meant they cared more about not having a gay son and brother than they did about me.

That hurt so much I couldn't breathe.

"Touji," Dad said, "Let's not talk about this now. You're taking a lot of medication, your ability to problem solve is compromi—"

"Shut the fuck up."

All three of them went dead silent and gaped at me.

"What did you say?" Mom stammered in astonishment.

"Leave." I couldn't even bear the sight of them right now. It was like looking at a trio of demons wearing my family's faces. An avalanche of emotion was moving through me, and my limbs were shaking in anticipation.

"Touji, sit down, you haven't finished eating yet—"

My arms shot out and swept every tray, cup, napkin and utensil off the table. Milk flew into the air and splashed my mom's face and the front of her dress. A wad of rice landed in my dad's hair, and Natsuki narrowly missed a spork to the eye. The resounding crash was so startling I might as well have fired a gun in the air. "Get out!!"

My vision had constricted to two hot pinpoints of light, all the rest a black, sparkling mess. My ears rang so loud I couldn't hear what anyone was saying. There were hands on my shoulders and around my waist, my feet were lifted off the floor, and vaguely I was aware that my hands were hurting again as I kicked and shouted.

He was protecting you.

If that was true it changed everything. It changed my entire world. The people I'd trusted most in the world had done something unforgivable. They'd used me to threaten Yuzuru, so they could reshape me into something they liked better. Maybe they thought they'd done it out of love, but that couldn't excuse it, not this time.

How was I ever supposed to trust them again? I'd always told myself that when they were hard on me, it was only because they had my best interest in mind. But sending me overseas, not to teach me independence or further my education or keep me safe, but just to separate me from a person they didn't think deserved to love me? Actually, I supposed I might have even been able to understand that. I knew they genuinely believed Yuzuru was bad for me.

Except then they'd lied to imply he didn't care about me anymore, that maybe he never really had. The injustice of that was unbearable, especially when Yuzuru might have been the only one thinking more about my happiness than his own. He might have been the only one acting out of love for me. He'd shown that love the only way he could... by leaving.

He was protecting you.

There was an outcry as I vomited all over the chest of whoever was holding me. My throat burned, while the rest of me was going into a deep freeze.

I was more alone than ever. And for the first time, I was starting to think I was better off that way.

🍓 🍓 🍓 

The hospital room door clicked and I heard someone come in, but I didn't bother turning from the window. The sun was starting to go down, the room had gotten a little chilly, but the cold on the surface of my skin couldn't begin to match the cold sitting under it. I was an ice block of anger and resentment. I kept my eyes on the street, watching people and cars going about their daily business. Wondering if this was what life was like for everyone down there. If they'd ever been betrayed by someone, if they were as adrift as I felt, or if I was the only one unlucky enough to be this trapped inside my own life.

"Touji-kun," I heard Doctor Taisuke say over my shoulder, "I brought you something."

Food, meds, there was nothing she could give me that I cared about. At least, that's what I thought until a clear plastic bag was set gently on the table in front of me.

"Is this what you were looking for?"

Tears sprang to my eyes as I scooped the bag awkwardly into my mittened palms. Inside, the silver arrow of my bracelet glinted up at me. I pawed at it until I could flip it over and see the Y.S. engraved into the back. "Oh," I breathed, the sight filling me with relief and melancholy all at once. "You found it!" I couldn't put it back on, couldn't even get it out of the bag by myself, but it was here and it was safe. I clutched it to my chest. "Thank you so much, Doctor."

She pulled up a chair next to me. "I can't let you keep it in here, but I promise I'll hold onto it for you until you get discharged." She watched me for a moment. "That was quite the argument you had with your family this afternoon."

And I'm sure she'd already discussed it with them in detail.

"When can I get out of here?" I had to find Yuzuru. The only way I was going to be able to clear up the jumble of questions in my head was to see his face and find out if what Shino had said was true. A part of me was hoping desperately he would say it was, that he had only shut me out because of my family's threats, that he still wanted to be with me as much as ever. But another part of me was hoping he'd say that the reason he'd ended things had nothing to do with my family. That they weren't the kind of monsters who'd do something like this.

Either way, I was going to get my heart broken. And either way, I would also regain some hope. So at this point I just wanted to know, and the only way I could do that was by talking to him, which I couldn't so long as I was stuck in here.

"Mm. Touji-kun, you're on suicide watch right now."

"I didn't try to kill myself," I said adamantly.

She regarded me for a few seconds. "I believe you."

I took a satisfied breath.

"But I still have concerns about your well being, Touji-kun. What I've seen the past couple days tells me you aren't very kind to yourself." She pointedly eyed my untouched dinner tray. "I don't doubt for a second that you're capable of looking out for yourself when you want to—the way you stood up to your family today is a good example. But if you can't learn to stand up for yourself to yourself, then you're in a bad place no matter where you are. That's something no one else in the world can do for you."

I laid the bracelet out on the table so I could look at it again.

"Tell me, Touji-kun, when you get released what are you going to do?"

"Find Yuzuru-san. Ask him for the truth."

"Yes, but," she leaned a little closer, "you'll be going back home with your family. How do you plan to manage that?"

I hadn't thought that far ahead. I didn't see how I could live side by side with people who had betrayed me the way they had, though. Maybe I should just ask to go to America after all. Getting as far away as possible suddenly seemed an appealing thought. Wasn't that ironic? I'd spent months missing them with every fiber of my being, and now I didn't want them anywhere near me.

Doctor Taisuke pursed her lips thoughtfully. "The thing is, Touji-kun, you and your family members are not seeing eye-to-eye on some big issues. And while you're not a child any more, there are still several years to go before you'll become an adult. Those years will be spent in suffering and conflict, just like today, unless you're all able to find some common ground."

Common ground? I didn't want to look at them, much less talk to them. If common ground meant I would live like a prisoner for the next few years, unacceptable to them unless I was playing along with what they wanted, I didn't think I could stand it. I guess she saw the resistance in my face, because she nodded.

"As long as you're here, you get to decide whether you want visitors or not. It's okay if you want to use this time to take a break. It might even be a good idea. Instead of focusing on things that feel wrong right now, try thinking about the kind of life you want in the future. What inspires you? What makes you feel strong and confident? When you can see it more clearly in your head, it will be easier to think through how the elements of your current life are going to fit into that future version."

She laid a hand over the bracelet in its plastic bag, and drew it toward her. I watched it slide into her pocket, and resisted the urge to beg her to leave it with me. She'd probably bent the rules just by bringing it in here. She pushed a cup of pills in my direction. "Pain medication, anxiety medication, and your sleeping aid. Take these, and rest your mind tonight. After a good sleep things always seem more manageable."

I doubted any amount of sleep was going to fix the wreck that my life had become, but I didn't argue. I swallowed the pills down and at her insistence, ate about three bites of cold rice from the dinner tray. Then I let her tuck me back into the stiff confines of the hospital bed. She was gentle and careful, making sure my hands were placed comfortably on top of the blankets. But after she turned down the lights and left, I blinked up at the ceiling and prayed the medicine would work, and that the nightmare wasn't going to return.

Try thinking about the kind of life you want in the future.

I just wanted what everyone wanted, to be happy. Or at least to be at peace. That was normal, right? I wanted the innocent, joyful sense of home and family that I remembered from childhood. Knowing I was loved, being certain that would never change. I wanted to do something with my life that made me feel useful. I wanted to be myself, and feel like that was enough.

More than anything else, though, I wanted Yuzuru. His smile, his laugh, his big-eyed wonder. Honestly, as long as he was next to me, I could see myself happy no matter what else was going on. If I could just be beside him, even the hardest things would seem like a shared adventure.

I was probably way too young to be thinking so seriously about someone. I was in love for the first time, so of course it felt like it was everything. The realist in me knew how naive that was—how many people got to spend their lives with their first love?

My parents had, though. They'd grown up three houses down from one another. Dad always swore to us that he'd made up his mind to marry Mom when he was seven years old. The two of them were still the most lovey-dovey couple I'd ever seen. So it worked for some people, I knew it did. Maybe that was why I felt so sure about Yuzuru already.

Was there a chance he still cared about me, after everything I'd put him through? His beautiful features floated behind my eyelids, and I held on to the image with slow, deep breaths and a sliver of hope. He was protecting you.

First order of business, I had to work out how to get out of here. Then I would track Yuzuru down and demand to hear the truth from his own lips. After that...

After that, I could figure everything else out. If he still wanted me I'd do whatever it took, wait for him however long I had to, until no one could ever separate us again. And if he didn't... well, I guess in that case, America didn't sound half bad. I knew who I was now. I'd start over.

Sleep crept over me slowly. Yuzuru's shining eyes were my last thought, before I slipped out of consciousness.