Chapter 18: Mother's Love

Author's note: I'm really proud of this chapter :) I didn't want to split it up, apologies for a longer chapter.

Trigger warning for death and grieving, and abandonment issues

The day started like any other, with Ava and Taylor lounging in Ava's apartment, enjoying a rare moment of peace and quiet. Preston and the other bandmates were out running errands, leaving the two lovers alone to enjoy each other's company.They were just considering ordering in for lunch when Ava's phone rang.

"Hello?" she answered, her brow furrowed.

Taylor watched as Ava's expression morphed from confusion to shock to something raw and pained, her face draining of color. She was on her feet in an instant, moving to Ava's side as the other woman swayed slightly on her feet.

"What do you mean, she's dead?" Ava croaked into the phone, her voice small and lost. "I don't... I didn't even..."

Taylor's heart clenched. The rest of the conversation was a blur, Ava making small, choked noises of acknowledgement as the person on the other end of the line presumably offered condolences, explained next steps. When she finally hung up, the phone slipped from her numb fingers, clattering to the floor.

"Ava?" Taylor ventured softly, reaching out to touch her arm. "Baby, what's going on? Talk to me."

For a long, terrifying moment, Ava didn't respond, just stared blankly ahead, her expression utterly devastated. Then, like a switch had been flipped, her face filled with rage.

"She's dead," Ava spat, her hands clenching into fists at her sides. "My mother. Or should I say, the woman who gave birth to me and then fucked off into the sunset.

And all this time I was told both of them died in a car crash. Fucking liars."

Taylor flinched at the venom in Ava's voice. "Aves, I'm so sorry..."

"Sorry?" Ava laughed harshly. "Sorry for what, exactly? That the woman who abandoned me, who left me to rot in the system, who never gave a single fuck about me, is gone? Why the hell should you be sorry about that?"

She was pacing now, her movements jerky and agitated, like a caged animal looking for an escape. Taylor watched her helplessly, her heart breaking at the pain she must have been feeling.

"She was still your mother," Taylor tried gently, hesitantly. "It's okay to feel... conflicted. To grieve, even if your relationship was complicated."

Ava turned to her, eyes flashing. "Grieve?" she snarled, her lip curling. "I'm not grieving. I'm fucking furious. I'm furious that she got to walk away, to live her life free and clear while I suffered. I'm furious that she never even tried to find me, to explain herself. And most of all? I'm furious that even now, even in death, she still has the power to make me feel like this."

Her voice cracked on the last word, a sob catching in her throat. But she swallowed it back, her face twisting into a mask of rage once more.

Just then, the front door opened, Preston and the others spilling into the apartment with arms full of groceries and takeout. They froze at the sight of Ava, at the tension crackling in the air.

"Whoa," Kyle said slowly, setting his bags down. "Who died?"

It was meant to be a joke, a lighthearted quip to diffuse the suddenly charged atmosphere. But Ava flinched as if she'd been struck, a strangled noise escaping her lips.

"Aves?" Preston said sharply, concerned. "Everything ok?"

"My mother," Ava gritted out, her hands clenching and unclenching at her sides. "She's dead."

A beat of shocked silence, then a chorus of reactions - sharp inhales, murmured condolences, a low, sympathetic whistle from Ron. Preston stepped forward, his expression pained. He didn't ask for details - as far as the boys were concerned, Ava's parents both died in a car crash when she was a toddler.

"Shit, Aves," he said softly, reaching out to her. "Are you-"

"Don't," Ava snapped, jerking away from his touch. "Don't fucking ask me if I'm okay. Of course I'm not okay. The woman who abandoned me, who left me to fend for myself, who never gave a single shit about me, is gone. And I'm supposed to, what? Cry over her? Mourn her? Fuck that."

She was shaking now, her entire body vibrating with barely contained emotion. Taylor moved towards her again, desperate to offer comfort, but Ava held up a hand, stopping her in her tracks.

"I can't do this," she said, her voice tight and strained. "I can't stand here and listen to you all tell me how sorry you are, how much this must hurt. Because it doesn't hurt. It just makes me angry. So fucking angry I can't breathe with it. All this fuckin' time I thought the bitch was dead. Next thing they'll tell me is he is alive too."

"Fuck!" Ava screamed, her fist slamming into the wall with a sickening crunch. Pain exploded across her knuckles, but she didn't stop, rearing back and striking again, and again, and again.

"Ava, stop!" Preston shouted, lurching forward to grab her arm. But Ava wrenched away, her eyes wild and furious.

"Don't fucking touch me!" she snarled, her chest heaving. "I need to... I need..."

She spun, her fist flying out to connect with the wall once more. This time, the plaster gave way, her knuckles splitting open on jagged edges. Blood welled up, dripping down her wrist, but Ava barely seemed to notice, drawing back to strike again.

"Enough!" Preston roared, catching her around the waist and hauling her away from the wall. Ava struggled against him, kicking and thrashing, a stream of curses falling from her lips.

"Let me go, you fucking asshole!" she spat, her elbow catching Preston in the ribs. He grunted in pain but held on, his arms tightening around her.

"I'm not letting you hurt yourself, Ava," he gritted out, his voice strained. "I know you're angry, I know you're in pain, but this isn't the answer."

Ava let out a harsh, broken laugh. "Isn't it?" she demanded, still struggling against Preston's hold. "Maybe it's the only fucking answer. Maybe it's what I deserve, for being stupid enough to think she ever cared, for letting her fuck me up so badly."

"That's bullshit and you know it!" Kyle interjected fiercely, stepping forward. "You didn't do anything to deserve this, Ava. You were a child. What she did, walking away like that... that's on her, not you."

Ava shook her head violently, a snarl twisting her features. "Fuck you, Kyle. Fuck all of you. You don't know a goddamn thing about it. You had parents who loved you, who wanted you. I had nothing. I had no one."

"You have us!" Ron burst out, his eyes bright with unshed tears. "Jesus Christ, Ava, you have us! We're your family, we love you!"

For a moment, Ava stilled, something raw and desperate flashing across her face. But then it was gone, shuttered behind a mask of fury once more.

"Fuck off," she spat, renewing her efforts to break free from Preston's grasp. "I don't need your pity, I don't need your fucking 'love'. I need to get out of here, I need to..."She finally managed to wrench away, stumbling towards the door. But Kyle and Ron moved quickly, blocking her path, their expressions pained but resolute.

"Move," Ava growled, her hands clenching into bloodied fists at her sides. "I swear to god, if you don't get out of my way..."

"What, Ava?" Kyle challenged, crossing his arms over his chest. "What are you gonna do? Take a swing at us, too? Because I gotta tell you, sis, that's not gonna end well for you."

Ava let out a noise that was half snarl, half sob. "Don't fucking call me that. I'm not your sister, I'm not your family. I'm nothing. I'm no one."

"That's not true," Taylor whispered, tears streaming down her face. "Ava, baby, that's not true at all. You're everything to us. Everything."

Ava shook her head, a broken, keening sound tearing from her throat. "Just let me go," she pleaded, her voice cracking. "Please, I can't... I can't be here, I can't breathe..."

"And what happens if we do let you go?" Kyle demanded, his own eyes suspiciously bright. "Huh? What then, Ava? You gonna go out there and do something stupid? Something we can't take back?"

Ava flinched as if she'd been struck, her face draining of color. "I..."

"Because I'll tell you right now, sis," Kyle barreled on, his voice raw with emotion. "I'd rather not find out on the fucking news that you offed yourself over some stranger who gave birth to you. I'd rather not have to bury another person I love because they couldn't see how much they fucking matter."

A choked sob escaped Ava's lips, her entire body trembling. "Kyle..."

"No, Ava, you're gonna fucking listen to me," Kyle snapped, stepping forward to grip Ava's shoulders. "I know you're hurting. I know you're so goddamn angry you can't see straight. But this? What you're doing right now? It's not the answer. It's not going to make the pain go away. It's just going to leave a bunch of people who love you shattered and broken. Is that what you want?"

For a long, tense moment, Ava just stared at him, her chest heaving with ragged breaths. Then, slowly, she shook her head, a broken whisper falling from her lips."No. No, I don't... I don't want that."

"Then let us help you," Kyle pleaded, his grip on her shoulders tightening. "Let us be there for you, Ava. Let us love you through this. Because we do, you stubborn fucking asshole. We love you so much it hurts."

And with those words, the fight seemed to drain out of Ava all at once. She sagged in Kyle's grip, a broken sob tearing from her throat as she collapsed against him.

"I'm sorry," she gasped out, her face buried in his chest. "I'm sorry, I'm so fucking sorry..."

"Shh," Kyle murmured, wrapping his arms around her and holding her close. "It's okay, Aves. It's gonna be okay. We've got you. We've always got you."

And as the others gathered around, as Taylor and Preston and Ron joined the embrace, their arms wrapping around Ava in a cocoon of unwavering love and support, something shattered inside of her, the last of her walls crumbling to dust.She clung to them, great, heaving sobs wracking her frame as years of pent-up anger and hurt and grief poured out of her in a torrent. And they held her through it, whispering words of comfort and love, promising her over and over again that she was not alone, that she would never be alone again.

It wasn't a fix, Taylor knew. The scars left by Ava's mother's abandonment, by the years of loneliness and hurt, they wouldn't heal overnight. This was a wound that would take time and patience and unconditional love to mend.

But as she pressed her lips to Ava's temple, as she felt the shuddering breaths slowly even out beneath her palm, Taylor made a silent vow. She would be there, every step of the way. She would hold Ava through the anger, the grief, the messy, complicated process of letting go and moving on. She would remind her, over and over again, that she was loved, that she was worthy, that she was not alone.

Hours later, Ava sat on the couch, her knees drawn up to her chest, her bloodied hands tangled in her hair. She was no longer fighting, no longer trying to escape, but the pain radiating off her was almost tangible, a physical presence in the room.

"I just want a mom," she whispered, her voice raw and broken. "Is that so fucking much to ask? I just want someone who loves me, who wants me, who didn't... who didn't just throw me away like garbage."

Taylor's heart shattered in her chest, tears streaming down her face as she moved to sit beside Ava, careful not to touch her. "Ava, baby..."

"No, don't," Ava choked out, shaking her head violently. "Don't try to tell me it's okay, that it doesn't matter. Because it does matter. It matters so fucking much."

She lifted her head, her eyes bloodshot and wild, a manic edge to her voice. "You don't understand," she said, a desperate, humorless laugh bubbling up from her throat. "None of you understand. I would trade all of this, every fucking second of it, for a loving mother. For someone who actually gave a shit about me."

Preston inhaled sharply, pain lancing across his features. "Ava, that's not..."

"Don't," Ava snapped, her voice cracking. "Don't try to tell me it's not true. Because it is. I love you guys, I do, but it's not the same. It's not... it's not what I needed. What I still need."

She buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs. "I just want my mom," she whispered, the words muffled and broken. "I want her to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay. I want her to be here, to care, to... to love me."

For a moment, the room was silent save for the sound of Ava's ragged breathing, the weight of her grief hanging heavy in the air. Then, slowly, Ron moved forward, crouching down in front of the couch.

"Ava," he said softly, waiting until she lifted her tear-stained face to meet his gaze. "I know we're not your mom. I know we can't... we can't give you back what you lost, what you never had."

He reached out, resting a gentle hand on her knee. "But we are your family. And I know it's not the same, I know it doesn't fix everything, but... but we love you, Aves. We love you so fucking much."

Ava's lower lip trembled, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. "I know," she whispered, her voice raw and small. "I know you do. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for saying..."

"Hey, no," Ron cut her off gently. "You don't have to apologize for how you feel, Ava. Not ever. We know... we know we can't replace what you lost. But we're here. We're always going to be here, no matter what."

Ava nodded, a choked sob escaping her lips. "I don't deserve you," she whispered, her eyes squeezing shut. "I don't deserve any of you."

"Bullshit," Kyle said fiercely, moving to sit on Ava's other side. "You deserve everything, Ava. Everything good and pure and wonderful in this world. And if your birth mother and father couldn't see that, couldn't appreciate the fucking gift they had in you... then that's their loss."

A fresh wave of tears spilled down Ava's cheeks, but this time, they were tempered with something else, something fragile and tentatively hopeful. She leaned into Kyle's side, letting him wrap an arm around her shoulders and pull her close.

For a long moment, they all sat there in silence, the heaviness of the moment broken only by the occasional sniffle or shuddering breath. Then, out of nowhere, Ron spoke."You know, I always wanted a little sister," he said, his tone light. "Someone I could teach all my sweet dance moves to, someone to blame when I broke a favorite vase..."

Ava let out a startled laugh, "Oh, is that what I am to you? A scapegoat for your crimes?"

Ron grinned, his eyes sparkling with mischief. "Well, I mean, if the shoe fits..."

And just like that, the tension in the room broke, startled laughter rippling through the group. It was a little hysterical, a little tinged with the edge of grief still so raw and present, but it was real.

But as quickly as the laughter came, it faded, leaving Ava raw and aching once more. She curled into herself, fresh sobs wracking her frame as the reality of her loss hit her anew.

"She's gone," she gasped out, her voice muffled against Kyle's chest. "She's really gone, and I never... I never got to..."

"I know, baby," Taylor murmured, finally giving in to the urge to touch her lover. She ran a soothing hand down Ava's back, feeling the way she trembled beneath her palm. "I know it hurts. I know it feels like the pain is never going to end."

She pressed a soft kiss to Ava's temple, her own tears mingling with the other woman's. "But it will, Ava. I promise you, it will. Not today, not tomorrow, but... but someday. Someday, it won't hurt quite so much to breathe."

Ava just clung to her, her sobs growing quieter but no less intense. And Taylor held her, rocked her, whispered words of love and comfort into her hair.

She knew there was nothing she could say, no magic words that would take away the depth of Ava's pain. This was a grief that would take time to heal, a wound that would likely never fully close.

—

The next day, a soft knock at the door pulled Taylor from her thoughts. She glanced over at Ava, curled up on the couch, her eyes red-rimmed and puffy from crying. With a gentle squeeze to Ava's shoulder, Taylor stood and made her way to the door, opening it to reveal Andrea's concerned face.

"Mom," Taylor breathed, relief washing over her. "Thank you for coming."

Andrea pulled her into a tight hug, rubbing soothing circles on her back. "Of course, sweetheart. I came as soon as I got your message." She pulled back, her gaze drifting to Ava's huddled form on the couch. "How is she?"

Taylor sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Not good. She's... she's really hurting, mommy. And I don't know how to help her."

Andrea's expression softened, a look of maternal determination settling over her features. "Let me try," she said gently, squeezing Taylor's hand. "Sometimes, a mother's love is what's needed most."

Taylor nodded, stepping aside to let her mother enter. Andrea made her way to the couch, settling down beside Ava with a soft, caring smile.

"Ava, honey," she murmured, reaching out to brush a strand of hair from Ava's face. "I'm so sorry for your loss."

Ava flinched at the contact, curling further into herself. "Don't," she whispered, her voice raw and ragged. "Please, Andrea, I can't... I can't do this right now."

But Andrea wasn't deterred. She shifted closer, wrapping an arm around Ava's shoulders and pulling her gently into her side. "Shh, sweetheart. It's okay. You don't have to do anything, don't have to say anything. Just let me be here for you."

For a moment, Ava remained stiff in Andrea's embrace. But then, slowly, the tension began to drain from her body, her head coming to rest on Andrea's shoulder as a shuddering sob escaped her lips.

"I don't understand," she choked out, fresh tears spilling down her cheeks. "I don't understand why she didn't want me. Why she couldn't... couldn't love me."

Andrea's heart broke at the raw pain in Ava's voice, the childlike confusion and hurt. She tightened her hold, rocking Ava gently as she cried.

"Oh, honey," she murmured, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of Ava's head. "I know it hurts. I know it feels like the pain is never going to end. But listen to me, Ava. Her inability to love you... that was her failure, not yours. You did nothing wrong. You were, and are, so worthy of love."

Ava shook her head, a broken sob catching in her throat. "Then why?" she whispered, her voice small and lost. "Why did she leave me? Why wasn't I enough?"

Andrea's own eyes filled with tears, her heart aching for the depth of Ava's pain. She cupped Ava's face in her hands, tilting her head up until their gazes met.

"Ava, sweetheart, I need you to hear me," she said softly, her voice thick with emotion.

"You were always enough. Always. And I know... I know I'm not your mother, not by blood. But I am a mother. And as a mother, I can tell you with absolute certainty that you, Ava Reed, are worthy of love."

A choked sob escaped Ava's lips, her eyes searching Andrea's face as if looking for any hint of deception, any sign that her words weren't true. But all she found was love, pure and unconditional, shining back at her.

"I know I can't replace what you've lost," Andrea continued, her thumbs brushing away the tears streaming down Ava's cheeks. "I know I can't take away the pain of your past. But I can be here for you now. I can love you now. And I do, Ava. I love you so very much."

With those words, the last of Ava's resistance crumbled. She fell into Andrea's arms, great, heaving sobs wracking her frame as years of pent-up grief and longing poured out of her.

And Andrea held her through it, rocking her and murmuring soft words of comfort, just as she had done for Taylor so many times over the years. She held Ava as she cried, as she raged, as she finally allowed herself to grieve for the mother she had never known, the love she had always been denied.

It was a long time before Ava's sobs quieted, before her breathing evened out and the tension drained from her body. But still, Andrea didn't let go, didn't loosen her hold."I've got you," she whispered, over and over again. "I've got you, sweetheart. You're not alone. You're so loved, Ava. So very loved."

And for the first time in her life, wrapped in the arms of a mother's love, Ava began to believe it. Began to believe that maybe, just maybe... she was worthy of this. Worthy of being held, cherished and adored - something her parents have never shown her.

  As the evening settled in, the atmosphere in Ava's apartment began to shift, the heavy weight of grief slowly giving way to something lighter, more comfortable.

Andrea had insisted on cooking dinner for everyone, bustling around the kitchen with a maternal efficiency that had the boys watching in awe.

"Seriously, Mrs. Swift," Kyle said, leaning against the counter as Andrea stirred a pot of homemade sauce. "You're like a superhero in the kitchen. I don't think I've seen anyone chop onions that fast in my life."

Andrea laughed, waving off the compliment with a flick of her wrist. "Please, call me Andrea. And it's nothing special, just years of practice feeding a hungry family."

"Well, I for one am grateful for those years of practice," Preston chimed in, snagging a piece of garlic bread from the basket on the counter.

Ron nodded in agreement, his eyes wide as he took in the array of dishes laid out on the table. "I think I might cry," he said solemnly. "I haven't had a home-cooked meal like this since... well, since ever, really."

Andrea's expression softened, a hint of sadness flickering in her eyes at the implication behind Ron's words. "Well, you're welcome to come over for dinner anytime, Ron. All of you are. My kitchen is always open to hungry musicians."

"Careful, mom," Taylor warned with a grin. "You might regret that offer once you see how much these guys can put away."

"Hey!" Kyle protested, clutching at his chest in mock offense. "We're growing boys, Tay. We need our sustenance."

Taylor snorted, rolling her eyes. "You're 25, Kyle. I think you're done growing."

"Says you," Kyle shot back, sticking his tongue out at her. "I'll have you know I grew a whole inch last year."

"Yeah, horizontally," Ava muttered from her spot on the couch, the first words she'd spoken in hours.

A startled laugh rippled through the room, everyone turning to look at Ava with a mix of surprise and relief. She ducked her head immediately but there was a hint of a smile playing at the corners of her mouth.

"She speaks!" Preston grinned widely. "And with a sick burn, no less."

Ava flipped him off half-heartedly, but there was no real heat behind the gesture. She leaned into Taylor's side, letting out a shuddering breath.

"You ok, baby?" Taylor whispered as her full attention was now on Ava.

"No," Ava admitted quietly. "But... but I think I will be. Eventually. I think?"

Taylor nodded, wrapping an arm around Ava's shoulders and pulling her close. "I know you will be," she said with conviction. "You're the strongest person I know, Ava Reed. You'll get through this."

Ava just nodded, resting her head on Taylor's shoulder as the chatter and laughter of their makeshift family washed over them.

"Alright, everyone, dinner's ready!" Andrea called out, setting the last dish on the table with a flourish.

The boys practically tripped over each other in their haste to get to the table, piling their plates high with food. Taylor and Ava followed at a more sedate pace, Ava's movements still heavy with the weight of her grief.

As they all settled around the table, Preston raised his glass in a toast. "To Andrea," he said solemnly. "The most badass mom in all the land. Seriously, can we trade Taylor for you?"

"Hey!" Taylor protested, throwing a piece of bread at Preston's head. "Watch it, mister. That's my mother you're talking about."

Preston just grinned, catching the bread mid-air and popping it into his mouth. "Exactly," he said with his mouth full. "Which is why we want to upgrade. No offense, Tay, but your mom is way cooler than you."

"Kids, behave," Andrea chided, but there was a twinkle of amusement in her eye. "I'll be more than happy to stop by whenever you want me to."

"Dibs on weekends!" Kyle called out, raising his hand like a kid in class.

"Holidays are mine," Ron chimed in, grinning. "I call dibs on Thanksgiving and Christmas."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," Preston interjected, holding up his hands. "Let's not get greedy here. We need to share custody of Mama Swift. It's only fair."

Andrea laughed, shaking her head at their antics. "You're all ridiculous," she said fondly. "But I appreciate the sentiment. Now eat your dinner before it gets cold."

"Yes, mom," the boys chorused, digging into their meals.

Ava, who had been quiet throughout the exchange, suddenly spoke up, her voice soft but clear. "If anyone gets to claim Andrea, it's me. I called dibs first. After Taylor and Austin of course," she said, eyes fixed on her plate.

A beat of silence followed her words, everyone turning to look at Ava. Then, slowly, a smile spread across Andrea's face, her eyes bright.

"Oh, honey," she murmured, reaching across the table to squeeze Ava's hand. "You never had to call dibs. I was always yours, from the moment Taylor brought you home."

Ava's chin trembled, her eyes filling with tears. But for the first time all day, they weren't tears of grief or pain. They were tears of gratitude, of love, of the overwhelming realization that she had finally found the one thing she had always yearned for - unconditional mother's love.

"Well, damn," Kyle said after a moment, his own eyes a little misty. "Way to make the rest of us look bad, Aves."

Ava let out a watery laugh, swiping at her cheeks with the back of her hand. "Sorry, boys. Guess you'll just have to settle for being the annoying brothers I never wanted."

"Rude!" Preston gasped, clutching at his chest. "I'll have you know I am a delight, thank you very much."

"In your dreams, maybe," Ron snorted, elbowing Preston in the ribs.

And just like that, the heaviness of the moment was broken, the banter and laughter resuming as if it had never left. But underneath it all, there was a new sense of understanding, of family, of the unbreakable bonds that had been forged in the face of grief and loss.

As Ava looked around the table, at the faces of the people she loved most in the world, she felt a warmth blooming in her chest, a feeling of belonging that she had never known before.

This was her family. Her beautiful, chaotic, perfectly imperfect family.

And for the first time in her life, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she would never be alone again.