Chapter 31

Katniss

"Miss Everdeen. We need to board the hovercraft," says the guard that I spoke to earlier. 

"Now?" I ask. What about Ruth? I wouldn't get to say goodbye if. . .The thought is too unbearable. The man's deep voice interrupts my thoughts.

"The sooner we leave, the better," he says.

"I'm not going without Peeta. And I need to see someone in the hospital before we go," I say. I probably won't be able to see Ruth yet. The guard sighs and I can see him thinking.

"Fine. Peeta can ride with us, but if he gets too out of hand, I will be forced to send him back here. He will be kept under careful watch," he says. I thought this over. Yes, it's good Peeta is coming with me, but they'll send him back if he gets a flashback. And knowing him, he'll demand to be in handcuffs. I'll never be able to really talk to him if they're watching us the whole time, but I guess it's better than leaving him here without knowing for certain that he's safe. At least there, I can protect him. 

"Okay. But I need to see someone in the hospital," I press.

"You get ten minutes. Come with me," he says. I grab Peeta's arm and pull him down the hall with me. We arrive at the door of the hospital. If Snow were to bomb us right now, we would all be dead.

A doctor steps out. "Can I help you?" he asks.

"I'm here to see Ruth." I say. My voice sounds flat, but strong. Like it used to. I think Peeta is the one who put my broken pieces back together.

"I'm sorry, she's in surgery right now. You'll have to come back later," the doctor says. I see Peeta nervously glance towards me like he expects me to blow up and start screaming. I don't.

"Is she going to die?" I say. Plain and simple. No sugar coating.

"Probably not. She's lucky she was only hit in the shoulder, but she did lose a lot of blood. She should be fine. They're getting out the bullet right now," he explains. I nod.

"Thank you." I start to turn away but I stop myself. "When she wakes up, tell her that I'll come back for her. Katniss will. Tell her I wanted to stay and I'll be back as soon as I can." A hot tear begins to form in my right eye. I walk away before they fall. Peeta nods a thank you to the doctor and catches up to me.

"She'll be ok," he says. I nod, even though I don't entirely believe him.

***

On the hovercraft I sit beside Peeta and Plutarch. Only one of which I enjoy being near. "So what exactly am I supposed to do?" I ask.

"We're going to take videos of you protesting about Fiona Snow being president. And when we know that it's safe, you'll talk in front of the Capitol people," Plutarch says. When it's safe. It will never be safe. I'm sure there are some people who really do want Snow to be president. I'm in danger. Someone could shoot me off the stage at any moment. I just nod a long while Plutarch is explaining. "Don't worry, you'll be wearing super heavy armor and a bullet proof vest. A bullet most likely wouldn't even be able to hurt you."

"Most likely," I scoff. Plutarch sighs and leans back in the chair. I stand up and wander around, falling side to side when the hovercraft moves. I hear footsteps behind me. I am expecting it to be Plutarch but instead it's Peeta.

"Hey. . ." he says quietly. I don't reply. Just stare straight ahead. I sit down on a bench, Peeta sits next to me. "You're really confusing, you know that?" he says. I look at him and cock my head to the side a little bit.

"What do you mean?" I ask. He laughs quietly. I think it's a fake laugh, though.

"You kiss me, and then act as if nothing happened," he says, shrugging. His eyes have a little bit of pain in them. Pain that I am obviously causing.

"I'm sorry. I just don't want you to get hurt doing something that's my fault," I say. He looks at me, unconvinced. "I block people out. Especially when I'm mad or when I'm thinking. I'm not exactly a very social person."

"But why do you block me out? I don't get it. Aren't people in love supposed to act like it?" he asks. In love. A weird feeling begins rising up in my chest. Fear. Am I in love with Peeta? Is he in love with me? His eyebrows furrow when he realizes what he said. "I shouldn't have said that," he mumbles. I look away from him, lost in thought.

The people that I love are all dead. What if I say that I love Peeta? Will he be taken away from me too? "I block you out because I don't want to lose you. I can't lose you." I say. While Peeta is still processing my words, I get up and walk away. He doesn't follow me, which is probably smart. Honestly, I wish he had. 

I find an empty room and walk in. I sit down on one of the benches, telling myself to be brave; to power through this. It doesn't work. One by one, tears began slipping from my eyes. I try wiping them away, but it just makes them fall faster. I kneel down on the floor and bury my face in my hands. I never had the chance to grieve over Finnick or Wiress or Madge or Cinna. Now is my chance. So I take it.

The names begin to whirl around in my head, giving me a migraine. The door creaks open but I don't bother to look. I knew already. 

He sits down beside me and pulls me up to him. His arms hold me tightly, but not enough to hurt me. Just enough to make me feel safe. "Shhh. . .shhh. . ." Peeta whispers. "I didn't mean to say that before."

"It's not that," I mumble. The tears begin to stop, slowly.

"What is it?"

"All of the ones I love are dead.I just. . .I hate having to be the strong one all the time. The one who has to keep it together in order to keep everyone else calm." I say, brushing back the tears. Peeta moves my braid to the side and puts his hands on my cheeks.

"I know. It seems like you don't even get a chance to cry or be upset," Peeta says. He is referring to his family, I think. He's lost so much too. I never really thought of that. This just shows how selfish I am. What I say next, shocks me some. I do mean to say it, but it feels odd to really admit it. But it's a good odd.

"There's only one person still alive that I love," I whisper, pressing my head against Peeta's chest. I don't have to say it. I know he knows, but I do anyway. "You..." I shut my eyes, as if I can block everything out. Peeta moves us over against the wall. I'm still in his arms, my face pressed against his chest. I doze off.

A line of the ones I knew, loved. Living and dead. They are all tied against the wall, hunched over. Gale, Prim, Gale's brother's, Cinna, Posy, Haymitch, Effie, Finnick, Rue, Ruth, Madge, and my mother. Peeta isn't here. 

Peacekeepers with machine guns stand in front of them, one for each. I try to move towards them, and stop the Peacekeepers but metal restraints are holding me down to a big, cold chair. "Katniss! Help!" they all screamed. Tears stream down my face as I fight the restraints.

One gunshot. Gale drops motionless to the ground. I grunt and try reaching out for him. I know who is next. Prim is bawling, pleading for me to come help her. To do something. The gun goes off. I scream at the top of my lungs. "Prim!" It's too late. She os lying on the ground beside Gale, unmoving.

Two gunshots. Gale's brothers slump over. Next is Cinna. Posy is screaming. Poor Posy. Only 5 years old. "Please! No! Stop!" I yell. A loud bang of a gun. Dead. This is my worse nightmare. I shut my eyes as Haymitch drops. Effie next. Finnick. He is staring at me the whole time. "Katniss, please!" he says. The Peacekeeper fires his gun. The light leaves Finnick's sea green eyes. I yelp and kick and scream louder.

I look over to the side of Finnick. Rue. She calls out my name, her brown eyes filled with sheer terror. I don't even hear the gun go off. "No! Please stop!!" I scream. I pull harder at the restraints, making my limbs bleed.

Ruth us next. Just the same as Rue's. She is staring at me, confused. She is shaking, reaching out towards me. The gun goes off three times. She hits the ground with a flat thud. Tears pour out of my eyes as I yell as loud as I can. I'm beginning to lose my voice. Madge closea her eyes. The gun goes off. Dead. My only friend, besides Gale before the games. Then my mother. Gone within seconds.

There is no one else left in the line. "Noo!" I scream. I look over all of these people's dead bodies, slumped over on the ground. Their arms are still tied back. Then, Fiona Snow walks out, pulling a terrified looking Peeta behind her. No. This is not happening. Snow smiles as she placeds her gun against Peeta's head. I shake my head, pleading for her to stop. "Peeta! Please! No!!" I scream. The gun goes off again. I catch one last glimpse of Peeta's blue eyes.

I wake up in that room screaming. Peeta isn't holding me anymore. He isn't anywhere. My heart begins to race, tears streaking across my face. "Peeta!" I call. I get up and dizzily walk towards the door. "Peeta!" I scream again. Right as I am about to touch the doorknob it opens. I stumble backwards but the wall catches me.

"What's wrong? Are you ok?" Peeta asks, shutting the door behind him. His bright eyes look terrified. My jaw is still trembling violently.

"My nightmare. . .they killed you. . .and you weren't here when I woke up. . .I. . ." I am so out of breath I can hardly talk. Peeta's eyes fill with relief but a hint of fear still shows in them. He walks forward and holds me in his arms.

"It's ok, it was just a nightmare. I'm here. I'm never going to leave you again. I promise. Shhh. . .It's okay. Calm down. Shh. . ." he says, soothingly. I nod but I don'y calm down. The horrors of that nightmare still plays on repeat in my mind.

"Don't leave me again. Stay with me?" I cry. Peeta nods and hugs me tighter.

"Always," he whispers.

****For those of you reading this, I apologize for any confusion on the tenses. I'm halfway through editing it. Bear with me. :) 

7.26.15