Not the Butter, You Brute!

Credit goes to SunnyRose

Summary:

Bilbo thinks he's making an innocent recording for his cooking vlog, but after Thorin leads him into a tumble on the kitchen floor, Bilbo learns he actually just accidentally made a live sex tape.

Bilbo took a small sip from the cup of coffee in his hands feeling unbelievably content. And why shouldn't he? His latest manuscript was being considered by Grey Publishing House. He had a loving and supporting family cheering him on every step of the way. And he had an unbelievably handsome boyfriend that he would get to call his husband in just three short months. A smile curled at the corner of his mouth as he took another sip. Yes, he was quite content indeed.

The sound of footsteps coming down the stairs had Bilbo looking up from where he was standing at the bar just in time to see said fiancé. He gave a mock groan with a rather warm smile.

"It's rather unfair of you to come down in that shirt while wearing your glasses. You know what that does to me."

Thorin blinked and held a hand over his chest rather dramatically.

"Do I know that you find me in glasses...what was the endearing word you used the other day... fuckable ?"

Bilbo chuckled as Thorin grinned, quite pleased with himself, and crowded Bilbo against the bar. He kissed him once, twice, and on the third, nearly had him bent backwards over it.

"You have already had your way with me. Twice I will remind you. Once in bed and the other in the shower. You're going to be late."

"That's the beauty of owning my own jewelry company. I can come in whenever I want." Thorin mused, his lips trailing down Bilbo's jaw to suck a mark into his neck. "Besides, I believe it would be in my best interest to take you in every room of this house. Twice. You know, to break it in."

"I think the screened-in front porch might be pushing it." Bilbo sighed, feeling pleasantly warmed under Thorin's ministrations.

All good things must come to an end though. As much as Bilbo would enjoy fucking and getting fucked every second until their wedding day, they did have some obligations. Like Dwalin, Nori, and Bofur coming over tonight to help Thorin set up his smithy in the backyard. Which would be the last step to making them officially moved in. And Bilbo knew if Thorin didn't get moving now, it would just delay him from getting back home sooner which is what he reminded Thorin.

"Fine." He sighed as he reluctantly pulled away, giving Bilbo one last kiss before making himself a tumblr for the road. "And just what is your plan for the afternoon?"

"I thought I might try my hand at the cooking vlog again." He mused.

Thorin gave him a quirked eyebrow. "Without our nephews' help in running the webcam?"

Bilbo scowled. It might be true that he didn't feel comfortable operating technology past the word document on his laptop, but that didn't mean he was completely inept.

"I'm quite sure I can manage without them this time." He stated.

Thorin chuckled and kissed his brow before promising he would get off work early. Bilbo walked him to the door where they shared a few more kisses before waving him away as he pulled out of the drive. Bilbo took a deep breath of the morning air before wandering back into the house.

***

With no more boxes to sift through, Bilbo was able to spend the rest of his day doing whatever he wanted. The flowerbeds were a mess that still needed to be sorted out so that's where he started before the sun got too warm. When he went inside to make himself some lunch, he checked his email, but still no word from Grey. He wasn't worried. They did warn him it would take a couple of weeks for them to get back to him. He already had designs for a sequel so he opened up that document to immerse himself in his fantasy world once more. Thorin had been unbelievably invested and encouraging, but he did admit that Bilbo's Doctor Who fanfics have a special place in his heart considering that's how they met.

It was probably around three in the afternoon when Bilbo finally decided to pull all the equipment out to do his cooking vlog. The origins of said vlog came when Frodo needed to do a video project for school and asked if he could post a video of him and Bilbo cooking together. He had gotten so many positive comments that Frodo all but begged him to continue doing it. Fili and Kili got involved at that point with getting him special lighting and a fancy webcam, and now Bilbo was committed to it at least once a week.

Honestly, it was rather fun for him to get to share some home recipes, and his follower base wasn't very large. Mostly their family and friends which was more than enough for Bilbo. Frodo, Fili, and Kili were secretly scheming for him to get more, but Bilbo was not about to do any of their silly little TikTok trends.

Bilbo decided he would make a nice orange and cranberry cake for dessert, and considering Thorin's mother had been begging him for that recipe, it would be the perfect one to share on his vlog. He gathered all his ingredients, and set it out on the counter before going into the study to retrieve the webcam equipment. He didn't have to adjust the height seeing as he left it exactly how it was the previous time. He planted the webcam in front of his station. Put the light to the side, and plugged the webcam into his computer. He pulled up the recording program, and furrowed his brows at a couple of the prompts that took him straight to his vlog for some reason, but soon he was seeing his kitchen so he assumed he had done it correctly.

"Ha! Take that Thorin." He gloated as he moved to the other side of the bar.

He would record the whole process and then rely on Frodo to edit it for him later. He washed his hands in the sink behind him as well as the cranberries before turning back around to begin. It was a bit of an adjustment at first, narrating what he was doing to what felt like himself, but he's gotten used to it now.

"Now we're going to slowly add the flour. After all, we don't want an explosion of powder in our workstation."

He was carefully pouring the cup into the mixer when the door slammed from behind him. Bilbo jumped in surprise causing said explosion of flour that had him cursing lightly before he turned to see Thorin enter the room.

"You're home early!" He mused, partly in surprise, partly in elation.

Thorin answered him by picking up exactly where he left off which was dipping him back for a kiss. Bilbo did his best not to touch Thorin, but he chuckled when the other man pulled away and there was a bit of flour in his beard. Bilbo grabbed a dish towel and wiped it away with a 'sorry love'.

"No problem. Not exactly the kind of messy I wanted to get into with you, but I'm not complaining."

Bilbo rolled his eyes. "You are incorrigible! You best stop before you emotionally scar your nephew when I have him edit later."

Thorin looked over at the camera before waving Bilbo's concerns away.

"I'm sure I can cut it out for you. I'm not quite as hopeless at it as you."

Bilbo crossed his arms over his chest. "This is now the second time you've insulted my tech skills."

Thorin wrapped his arms around Bilbo's waist and started kissing his neck.

"I know how I can make it up to you."

"And how's that?" Bilbo asked breathlessly, a thrill similar to this morning shooting straight through his middle.

Thorin answered by taking off his glasses and setting them on the counter before lowering his hands down from Bilbo's hips to his thighs. Bilbo laid his head back on Thorin's shoulder, biting back a moan.

"H-Here?"

"Why not? You keep the floor clean enough to eat off." Thorin remarked.

"It's quite unsanitary." Bilbo pouted.

" Dirty , even." Thorin agreed as he started sucking and licking the underside of Bilbo's jaw.

A gasp escaped him as his body tensed like a wound spring in Thorin's arms. He quickly spun around in Thorin's arms, kissing him senselessly as he ground his erection into Thorin's thigh. Thorin hummed in approval as his hands gripped his ass, giving it a little squeeze.

"We don't have anything here to...ease your way in." He argued still in favor of getting their activities far away from his unmade cake batter.

"Don't we?" Thorin raised an eyebrow reaching towards the butter.

Bilbo slapped him on the arm. "Not the butter, you brute!"

Thorin grinned wolfishly. "A brute, am I?"

That was Bilbo's only warning before Thorin swept his legs out from underneath him, slowly lowering him to the ground. Bilbo was trying his hardest to pout even as Thorin undid his pants, allowing his cock to spring free.

"It's cold on the tiles." He gave one last complaint.

"I know just the thing to warm you up."

After that, Thorin's tongue wrapped around his dick, and Bilbo found he could care less about their location anymore. As long as Thorin didn't stop doing that.

"More." He groaned, arching his back up slowly so as not to choke him.

Thorin moved down almost to the hilt before hollowing out his cheeks and giving a nice, long suck. Bilbo's bare toes curled into the tile as he fought down his release. Not yet, not yet . He tapped the back of Thorin's head though in warning to get on with it. The man popping off with a rather wet slurp.

"If not the butter, what should I...?"

"The olive oil should be safe enough." Bilbo answered without giving him time to finish.

Thorin used one hand to undo his own zipper while the other reached blindly for the olive oil. As soon as he latched onto it, he had it squirted onto his fingers and inserting them smoothly into Bilbo's rear. He started slow, but thanks to their earlier activities, it really didn't take much to loosen Bilbo back up. It felt like no time at all that Thorin was slicking up his own cock as Bilbo bent himself nearly in half to allow a smooth entry.

They were both panting and groaning as Thorin eased himself inside, and Bilbo curled his heels to rest on Thorin's waist. Nothing felt better than having Thorin's length filling him up, and then the man started to move.

"Yes, Thorin." He moaned.

Thorin pressed forward, his oiled hands sliding under Bilbo's shirt and over his ample stomach. He began to give quick pecks to any part of Bilbo's skin he could reach, and Bilbo yelped as it changed the angle inside him.

"Okay?" Thorin asked.

Bilbo nodded as he reached for his own cock, needing the stimulant as Thorin rocked harder and faster into him. Nearing his own end, Thorin's hand lay over his own, and it only took a couple of pumps before Bilbo was sputtering incoherently and spilling between them. Thorin thrusts became wilder against Bilbo's tight hold as he finally gasped in relief and a wet warmth peppered Bilbo's insides.

They lay there for a moment, panting as the height of pleasure slowly began to ebb away, and the smell of sex and sweat lay around them.

"I can't believe we just did that in my kitchen." Bilbo groaned. "Forget editing, we're deleting this video and starting from scratch."

Thorin chuckled as he gave Bilbo's exposed stomach a little kiss.

"Probably, but we can cross the kitchen off our list."

"At least for round one." Bilbo smirked in return.

"Now you're getting the idea."

Bilbo laughed, his eyes closed with the sort of contentedness that could only come from the afterglow of a good lay. Then, he became aware of a distant buzzing sound. Bilbo's brows furrowed as he sat up a bit on his elbows.

"Is that your phone?"

Thorin sat up as well as he poked his head up to peek at the countertop.

"Yours I believe." He answered before grabbing it.

His brows furrowed in confusion as he turned it for Bilbo to see.

"It's Bofur, and it looks like he's called like sixteen times already."

Bilbo immediately sat up and grabbed the phone dialing him back.

"I hope everything is okay! Hello? Bofur?!"

" Bilbo! You're live! You just made a live sex tape of you and Thorin going at it on the kitchen floor! "

Bilbo felt his face drain of color as his body went numb. Thorin, who could hear Bofur through the speaker, dived for the laptop.

" Not that we could see anything once he took you to the floor, but your webcam picks up sound REALLY well... "

Bilbo couldn't listen anymore and hung up on his friend. He would find some way to apologize later, if he could ever get over the mortification of the moment. Thorin grimaced.

"Well your follower count increased well over a hundred so I guess that means that at least we're pretty good?"

Bilbo covered his face and screamed. He was never going to live this down. His mother watched the show. Thorin's sister, his cousin...oh for the love of everything good in the world please don't let Prim have seen!

"Hey. It's gone. I deleted it." Thorin murmured as he scooped Bilbo up into a hug.

"We made a porno on my cooking vlog." Bilbo whined.

Thorin gave a half-hearted chuckle. "Yeah, I guess we did. But it's okay. It'll blow over."

"I won't be able to look any of our family in the eyes again. And you can bet our friends are going to say something when they come over tonight."

"Bilbo." Thorin huffed. "They probably don't even know outside of Bofur, and they're not going to..."

He paused as his phone went off with the incoming alert of a text message. Bearing a frown, Thorin reached up to put his glasses back on before he pulled it out, glaring at the screen. Thorin gave him a grimace.

"Dwalin says we're idiots, and to wait and see what Nori's done."

"Lock the doors, Thorin. We are certainly not entertaining tonight, and quite possibly never leaving this house again."

***

With lots of kissing and coaxing, Thorin finally managed to convince Bilbo to allow Dwalin, Nori, and Bofur to come on over. A decision he immediately regretted when Dwalin stated they were idiots again, Bofur laughed as soon as he saw them, and Nori scrambled to pull out his phone to show them the lovely video he made on TikTok.

" Not the butter, you brute!" Bilbo's voice echoed over and over again as the ten second clip continued to mock him on repeat.

"It's already got a hundred thousand views. And check it out! I made a meme for it too. It's catching on. Basically, if you make a stupid suggestion, you immediately respond with 'not the butter, you brute'."

Bilbo glared at the ginger before turning his unimpressed stare to Thorin who could only shrug sheepishly in response. Bilbo rolled his eyes.

"Delete it. Or no dessert for you." Bilbo demanded.

"That's not the threat it once was." Dwalin grunted. "I don't even think I can look at one of your biscuits the same way again."

"Yeah, I'm of the opinion context might have been preferred in this instance because some of the sounds you guys made..." Bofur winced.

Bilbo and Thorin turned a lovely shade of maroon before Thorin chose to start defending them...by starting to offer details of the encounter until Bilbo elbowed him in the sternum. The picture of complete and utter mortification. He wasn't quite sure what would make this night any worse, and then he got a phone call.

"It's the publishing firm. Everyone, shush!" He ordered before accepting the call.

"Bilbo, my boy! I hope I'm not calling at an inopportune time." Gandalf stated.

"Not at all, Mr. Grey. So what did you think?"

"I think we would be quite honored to have 'There and Back Again' added to our collection."

"They accepted." Bilbo hissed softly while covering the receiver.

Silent cheers and congratulations came from everyone as Thorin hugged him around the shoulders with a kiss to the forehead.

"Thank you so much, Mr. Grey. Really. I can't wait to see the first copy."

" We'll be in touch to sort out the details as well as get a base timeframe for the sequel."

"Absolutely." Bilbo grinned brightly.

"Oh, and Bilbo. One more thing if you please." Gandalf stated.

"Sure. What is it?"

"The boys are putting together a congratulatory package for you and I kindly reminded them to leave out the butter."

Bilbo's jaw dropped. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but words and sounds completely escaped him. The dratted man on the other end of the line chuckled and offered him a good evening before disconnecting. Bilbo looked up at Thorin who was frowning down at him.

"Bilbo? What is it?"

"B-Butter." He gasped finally.

This immediately set Nori off in a fit of laughter so Bilbo grabbed a stick out of the fridge to chunk at him only to receive four loud 'not the butter, you brute' responses. Needless to say, Bilbo did not keep butter in the house much after that. And even his nephews had the gall to suggest he make butterless recipes and use it as a catchphrase on his vlog.

Thorin's prediction came true, and after a couple of months it did eventually blow over. Then Bilbo made the unfortunate declaration off-screen that 'shortening was not lube', and he became an internet sensation all over again. Thorin had to work really hard not to let him burn the damn webcam after that.