⫣15⫦ Transformation

There is a lot of shuffling, clothes being laid out and dismissed again, landing somewhere on the floor.

Hwasa makes me change out of my uniform, not bothering with giving much privacy. I'm not used to showing my body to anyone, but if she notices me being uncomfortable, she doesn't show it. Nor looks like she cares.

And why would she know what feeling insecure about your body feels like?

She hands me some dark clothing and before I can think too deeply about it, I get dressed quickly. It takes considerable time to squeeze into the tight fabrics and I am already worried how much it'll reveal all of me.

Hwasa is chatting away the whole time, telling me about her live, her friendship with a lot of gangs, her day-job as a waitress and her night job as a pole dancer. She makes it sound like it's the only thing she ever wanted to be and I wonder why it's strange for me to be surprised.

Maybe because my parents always use that expression:'You need to work hard or you'll end up as a stripper' as a way to make me behave and work diligently. Now I'm wondering if that is such a bad thing to be. According to this woman, it certainly isn't. I wonder if she is capable of feeling insecure about anything.

When she sits me down and starts working on my make-up and hair, I can no longer hold in my burning questions.

"So, for how long did you know BTS?"

I can't look at her expression because I have my eyes closed at her instructions, but I hear her little huff.

"Depends on how you define 'knowing', but I've met RM long before any of the other boys were even in the picture."

So she knew them from the beginning. No wonder they seem so close.

"And how do you define knowing?"

She lets out another small laugh.

"Quite curious, aren't you? Well, I guess having slept with them all means I know them pretty well."

Even though she told me to close my eyes, they jump open in surprise. She's sitting in front of me, a brush in her hands and giving me a smirk of satisfaction.

"You slept with them all?"

She leans forward and applies the brush to my cheeks. "Well, all except Jimin of course." I blink. Twice.Jimin, out of them all, seems like the most sexual one, if that can even be a thing.

"Why? Is he in a relationship?"

"No," she starts and dips the brush into another powder and sighed deeply. "I would have eaten that cupcake in a heartbeat, but I'm afraid he plays for the other team."

It takes me a while to register the words. I breath in in surprise when I get her meaning.

"Wait, Jimin is gay?"

She bursts into wild chuckles at my dumbfounded expression.

"Have you seen that boys walk? No straight guy could ever manage to swing his hips like that. But I guess he doesn't make a big deal out of it."

I don't know what shocks me more: the fact that Hwasa slept with all the others or that it never even crossed my mind that Jimin might be gay. That calls up another memory though-

"What about Jungkook then?"

The brush stroking my cheeks stops abruptly and she pulls away to look into my eyes. She narrows hers in suspicion.

"Why would you ask that?"

"Well," I start, wondering about the change in her attitude.

"I just noticed the way they are always close together and I saw Jungkook staring at Jimin a couple of times. And now that I know Jimin is gay-"

Her eyes furrow together and she gives me an assertive look.

"You're very observant," she then murmurs. Crossing her hands, she leans back, studying me for a moment.

"Can you keep a secret?"

I sit up straighter in the chair and nod. Curiosity has always been my greatest weakness my mother loved to point out- and made sure I learned my lessons. But this time I don't care.

I'm burning with the need to know those seven boys, all logic be damned.

Hwasa sighs and rubs her arms.

"The truth is, I actually haven't slept with Jungkook. He tried... but couldn't. He still wanted me to tell the others that we did, and I agreed. I don't particularly like lying to them, but he practically begged me, and have you seen those puppy eyes? I just couldn't refuse, especially since I knew it had something to do with Jimin- and Jungkook seemed desperate."

"But why did he want you to lie? Is it because Jimin doesn't like him back?"

Hwasa shakes her head and chuckles, a little sadly.

"Trust me, Jimin has been a boy in love since the day he first met JK. But there are a lot of things that happened between them that make their relationship somewhat... complicated."

I raise my eyebrows in question, urging her to go on. She rolls her eyes at me and throws up her arms in defeat.

"Fine, whatever. Did RM tell you that it was Jimin who begged the other members to help him get JK out?"

I nod, remembering the conversation on the beach.

"Yeah, RM said something about EXO-X making him beat up a kid and it nearly broke him."

Hwasa nods and a flicker of pain crosses her features, so potent and bright I already know I don't want to hear what she is going to say.

"Yeah. He might have forgotten to mention that the kid was Jimin himself."

Silence rushes into my head as I try- and fail to imagine it. Jungkook?

The way he looks at Jimin with such adoration and love and gratitude....And Jimin with his cheeky grins and eye-smile...

"Jungkook beat up Jimin?"

She nods again, letting out a deep sigh.

"The two of them met in school. JK only transferred to Taehyung's after all the shit had gone down. BTS and X-EXO mostly stayed out of each others way. Gang wars can be brutal at best and RM isn't the kind of leader who would risk any of the guys getting hurt for some senseless power-quarrel.So Jimin was well aware that getting close to JK was dangerous. But I guess he couldn't help himself, even as Jungkook kept trying to push him away. That boy has some serious charm. He managed to get JK to open up to him and they became friends in secrete." There is another deep sigh and a frown forms on her lovely features, making her look older.

"But X-EXO found out, and- well... To say they didn't like it would be the understatement of the century. Their leader Suho is nothing like RM.He runs a powerful drug empire and no one in this city dares to mess with him. Not even BTS. They prevented Jungkook from going to school and kept him at their quarters for days.Jimin got worried. Like really worried. He wouldn't eat or sleep, always starring at his phone, waiting for a message from JK. But when he got nothing and JK still didn't come back to school, he decided to see for himself if he was all right. It didn't go so well. It's as if X-EXO was waiting for him to do it- for one of BTS to break the rule of staying out of each other's way. They were waiting for Jimin.I don't know what kind of mind-games they had filled JK with, but he certainly had some drugs in his system when they brought in Jimin. And Suho is known for warping peoples minds with pain and drugs. Jimin told us that JK didn't even seem completely there."

I could only sit there and listen, my heart breaking in a thousand different place for the two of them.

"What happened?", I whisper, my voice hoarse.

Hwasa only shook her head sadly.

"Jungkook won't talk about it, and Jimin says he doesn't remember much about that night, although I'm not sure that's true. Jimin woke up in the hospital with several broken bones, fractures and a serious concussion. And you know the first thing he said to the others when he woke up?"

I swallow hard and shake my head slowly.

"He told BTS to save the boy who did it to him. He begged them to save JK as he lay broken in a hospital bed, barely able to speak."

There's a long moment of silence where we just sit across each other, the air a heavy weight around us. I can barely fathom what it must have been like for the two of them. How cruel life had been to them.

Hwasa is the first to break the silence."My best guess is that Jungkook never forgave himself for what he did to Jimin. And even today, he doesn't feel like he deserves him."

"But it wasn't his fault," I try, but it doesn't hold the conviction I wanted it to.

"Maybe it wasn't but it doesn't change the fact that he did it and the memory still haunts him. We have long forgiven him. Now it's up to him to forgive himself too."

"But you don't know for sure, do you? Whether Jungkook likes men at all?"

She lets out a loud laugh and tilts her head to the side in a cat-like movement.

"There are only two reasons men don't sleep with me. Either they're in love or they don't like women. And trust me, JK is definitely into girls too- but his heart belongs only to one person."

I really have nothing to say to that. It's true. I'm not attracted to women, at least I never felt something before, but even I would consider making an excepting for Hwasa. That woman is pure sin.

"And do the others know?"

She lets out a little huff of air.

"Oh, they know for sure. JK is terrible at hiding his feelings. Even you noticed after the short while you've been with them.But I don't think they have talked to him about it either. Like I said, they need to figure out what's between them themselves."

She makes me close my eyes again and continues to work on my face, but I'm not done, the questions burning beneath my tongue.

"So, you're saying you slept with the rest of them and are still their friend?"

She chuckles quietly to herself.

"Sex doesn't always have to mean something, Lian. It can be just a fun activity if you want it to be."

"Is that all it was with them? Some fun?"

She is quiet for a moment, but I don't open my eyes to see why. Her voice is a little grave and lacking her usual cocky demeanour.

"No. They are different. But I realized that I can't give them what they need."

I have not felt any pressure on my skin for a while now and carefully pry my eyes open. Hwasa eyes me a little sadly, then sighs at my expression.

"So curious, aren't you?"

She gets up in a graceful movement and stands behind me. I feel the gentle stroke of the brush combing through my hair, oddly comforting.

When my mother does it, it's always with the purpose of making me look spotless and clean, pulling tightly at my hair so it's forced into place, not a strand sticking out, but Hwasa combs with a gentleness I didn't expect, unhurried and slow.

"Jin always comes off as self-centered and arrogant. A person who loves himself the most, but it's a front. The abandonment of his father never stopped hurting him. What he needs is someone who puts him first- and I couldn't do that."

"Suga, even though he comes off as cool and calm likes to play with fire and see things burn, and you would think he needed someone just like that. But in truth he has to be with someone who is the opposite- someone gentle and sweet who helps him control that anger in him. And I think we can all agree that's not me either."

"Then there is J-Hope, always making people laugh and happy and even though he seems to have endless energy, can you imagine how exhausting it must be? He needs someone who makes him laugh too. Who makes him truly laugh and is able too keep up with his lively spirit. I couldn't do that if I tried.And then there's RM-"

She stops her combing for a moment, as if the though of him makes it hard to concentrate on the task. I immediately know there's a story here.

"RM feels like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. He takes care and feels responsible of his members more than any father would of their children. They are his one and all. He needs to be strong for them all the time, so in return, he should have someone who is strong for him too. Someone who takes care of him instead."

She is quiet again.

"And you don't think you can be that person either?"

"I thought I was, but that was a long time ago."

I know she is trying to make it sound like it's no big deal, but I can hear the pain in her voice.

But I don't press, knowing this might not be a story shared on a first meeting. But some part of me hopes she will one day be comfortable enough to tell me.

But for now, I want to know the answer to the question I'm almost too afraid to ask.

"And Taehyung?"

A sticky feeling broadens in my chest, and I can't shake it off as I imagine what had happened between the two of them.

"Ah, Taehyung," she exclaims and giggles- actually giggles! That sticky feeling turns sour, twisting in my chest.

Hwasa must have noticed my body turning stiff, because she leans down, stroking the hair away from my ear and to the other side of my shoulder. Her fingernails trail down the shape of my neck as she whispers quietly in my ear:

"I'm not telling you what he needs. You'll have to figure that out for yourself, otherwise where would be the fun? Just let me tell you one thing."

She snickers and the breath landing on my exposed nape sends a shiver over my skin.

"He was definitely the best in bed."

My thoughts leave me for a second and my mouth dries out as I try to tell her I didn't need to know that. But then the shape of that darn mouth comes to my mind... wondering what else it would be good at other than smirking.

And those long, strong fingers-

I shake my head to get rid of the image, but Hwasa only laughs and returns to her work. Her delicate hands are quick and professional, weaving my hair as she hums under her breath.

I really meant to keep quiet for the rest of the remaining time, but another question already rises up in me, making me giddy and restless.Hwasa clicks her tongue in slight annoyance.

"Spit it out, I know you want to ask another question," Hwasa finally snaps and I slump my shoulders a bit. Guess I'm not that good at hiding my emotions either.

"What's RM's story? He told me about the others, but I've never gotten around to ask him about his."

She finishes on my hair and takes a seat beside me, crossing those long legs of hers.

"I suppose you have a right to know if you are going to hang out with them."She glances down, her eyes glazing over like she's recalling an old memory.

"Namjoon grew up in this city. He lived with his dad and older brother in a small apartment at the edge of town. They didn't have a lot of money and RM had to take a lot of crappy jobs even though he still went to school. He is probably the only one of BTS who actually had a family that loved each other.And even though they struggled financially, they were actually close."

She is quiet for a second, her expression saddening.

"RM has always felt the need to look out for others, even when he was a child. And since his mother died, he basically took over as the carer of the family. His dad... well, he tried his best, but loosing his wife was hard on him and he took to alcohol a lot. Yet still working in a factory for shit money and hard labour to feed his kids. But with his father gone most of the time too, there was no one to look out for his brother.""Namjoon has a brother?"

Hwasa's eyes closed for a moment, her head shaking slightly.

"Had. He had a brother. But.. well, he had a bit of a mental problem. He was bipolar. Namjoon did the best he could to take care of him and make sure one of his crazy ideas didn't blow up in his face. He worked twice as hard to earn the money for the medication Jung-Ho needed. But it wasn't enough. Jung-Ho got close to the wrong people. Made the wrong friends while Namjoon was too busy working long hard hours while he himself was only seventeen. All to help his brother. But.. Jung-Ho stopped taking the medication. Fell into depression and- well, there is no easy way to say it. He killed himself. His father died a year later of a heart attack due to all the stress and heartbreak.By that time, RM had just turned eighteen, making him a legal adult.An adult who just lost everything and yet he never let it break him.And I'll never blame him for the choices he made to find a way to save himself from that loss."

I didn't realize I had closed my eyes until she finished speaking. When I open them, something wet runs down my cheeks, probably smearing some of that recently applied make up.

Slowly, Hwasa reaches out and gently wipes it away.

"I guess his brother is the reason he tries to help the boys so vigilantly. He feels like he didn't protect him and hasn't done enough. Taking in the others and creating BTS was his way of seeking redemption."

I let out a rattling breath, my emotions threatening to overwhelm me.

"You already seem to care a lot about them," Hwasa comments and I can only nod.

"I do. How could I not?"

"Because they have sad stories and you pity them?"

She sounds only curious and I know if I said yes, she would probably understand. But pity wasn't the reason.

"Yes, their stories are sad, and I think anyone who hears it can't help but feel pity for them. But that's not why I care about them."

I don't even think about what I'm saying- I just let out the words in my head, as if there is no barrier between my thoughts and my mouth.

"I think they are the strongest people I've ever met. They took me to the beach and you know what I saw? I saw seven young boys who experienced nothing but pain and hardship laugh like they never knew anything else. Like life is one beautiful memory that needs to be treasured and experienced with every breath."I take a rattling breath as the emotions threatening to overwhelm me.

"Yes, they have their demons, there is no denying it. But the fact that they didn't let them swallow them and instead turned them into something beautiful makes me want to be like them. All my life I have done as I was told. I felt like there wasn't a real me anyway- like my path was already laid out for me and I couldn't change anything about it. I was a coward who walked it because I was afraid what would happen if I had to think and act for myself. But they make me want to find that person inside me- the person I locked away a long time because I was taught by my parents to hate and despise her. The one who wants to run around with friends, sneak out to drink and have fun. Who dreams of being free and reckless and brave and all those things that BTS is. And I hated myself- for not being happy even though I seemed to have it all. I never understand why until I met them. It's because the person living my life hasn't been me. I want to redeem myself too- for being a coward and not realizing sooner. For letting other people, even if they are my parents, decided my life for me."

I let out a deep breath as the truth settles deep inside me. I've never admitted that before, not even to myself. And here it is. A friend. A real, true best friend I can tell all my worries to. I just never expected it to be someone like Hwasa.

Hwasa, who had been quiet- watching me as I let the words tumble out of my mouth. I can't read the expression on her face now.

"You know what I think?" She finally says and gets up to kneel in front of me. She gently strokes away another tear that runs down my face and smiles up at me warmly.

"I don't think you were ever a coward. I think that you were lost, just like them. That's why you feel so drawn to them. You might not see it that way yet, but what your parents did to you was no less cruel than what their parents did. They put you in a prison- just made it look prettier."

I shake my head.

"No. My parents only want the best for me."

She lets her hand drop and smiles up sadly.

"Really?Did they ever ask you whether you are happy? Did they ever ask you what YOU want to be or what YOU dream about?"She sighs, lowering her eyes with a sad flash in them.

"I actually grew up in a family similar to yours. Only that we didn't have much money and instead my parents tried everything they could to make me marry into a wealthy family. It took me a long time to realize that it wasn't me they loved. It was the idea of who they wanted me to be and what I could give them. Money. Reputation. Status.And I tried so hard to be that person until I realized I was destroying myself. Humans can only bend so long before they break. I left before it could- and it was the best decision I've ever made. Come," she ads and pulls me up.

She drags me into the hallway towards a large, body-sized mirror.

For a moment I can only blink at the woman staring back at me. I feel like I'm seeing her for the first time.

I have a gymnasts body, small, delicate but showing just the hint of muscles beneath. I never felt particularly feminine, not even when my mom dressed me in pretty pink flower dresses- until now.

I'm wearing black, high waist leather pants which hug every inch of my legs and reveal hips that I didn't even know I had. The top is more like a black bra with tattoo sleeves down my arms, revealing a lot of my stomach. I can actually see the outline of my breasts through the see through fabric.

It's simple, skin tight and utterly sexy.

If my parents saw me in this, they would absolutely freak. This is their definition of inappropriate and for some reason, that makes me love this outfit all the more.

My hair is falling around my body, almost down to my hips in black, thick waves. Only some of the front top hair is pulled back in a tight braid that travels along the centre of my head all the way to the back and a deep red satin threat is woven into it.

I never wore my hair open.

On the rare occasions where I left the house for art events or dinners with my family, my mother always made sure my hair was styled on top of my head, not a single hair out of line. And in school I always wore it in a pony tail.

But the open hair isn't even the biggest change.It's the make-up.

My skin seems to glow and Hwasa has brought out my cheekbones and jawline. It makes me look older- and fiercer.The eyes are kept simple yet striking with a single black line of eye liner which make my eyes look bigger and bluer.

And my lips, which I always thought to be too big for my face are painted in a dark shade of red. They're half parted in surprise now, not sure this was really me.

Hwasa, who is standing behind me, leans forward and locks eyes with me through the mirror.

"Do you know what I see? I see a woman who has the power to make this world her bitch. A woman who is not afraid to do what she wants and doesn't give a shit what others think of her. Someone who is not afraid to take what she wants and who she wants. Now, how does that sound?"

I stare back at myself and see a smile form on my lips. A smile I have never shown to anyone: wicked, sexy and filled with the same thrill I felt as I jumped down that cliff.

"That sounds like me." I tell her and the voice coming out is clear and low- like I was never more sure about anything else.

________________________________________

I just imagined the Cinderella transformation, but instead of turning into a princess, she turns into a badass bitch!