⫣9⫦ Shadows of the Past

The way back takes about twice as long, maybe due to the fact that we have to climb along steep cliffs and more than once, one of us stumbles into the water and has to be helped out.

The sun is already disappearing behind the valley of the lake, turning the water into red and orange flames as we make it back to the little run down hut.

Jin and J-Hope make themselves useful by lighting the massive pile of wood in the middle and Suga is slumped on the sofa, a cigarette in his left and a drink in his right hand, watching them.

Jimin and Jungkook are playing catch with a baseball and Taehyung was sent to get some blankets they had left in the car.

I sit on the soft sand, my feet splashing the water, looking out at the sunset.

The picture of Taehyung falling down that cliff keeps repeating in my head.

A pressure suddenly lands on my shoulder and I looked up in surprise.

RM smiles down at me, and then takes a seat next to me.

I can hear Jungkook and Jin arguing about something in the back, but I can't make out the exact words.

"You all right?", RM finally asks and I sigh.

No- I'm definitely not all right. My life has just been turned upside down in the matter of hours.

Or maybe it all started the moment I met Taehyung in my garden that first night.

I remain silent for a while, and RM lets me.

"Why did he do that?" I ask into the quiet.

RM picks up a stone and throws in into the water, making it ripple and shimmer.

"How much do you know about us?" he asks, turning towards me.

"Not that much, " I answer honestly. All I really heard were rumours.

He sighs like the weight of the world is resting on his shoulders and that sad smile is back on his face. I see nothing of the cunning I saw earlier. Nothing but a sad boy looking out at the water as he starts talking lowly.

"Jin was the first one I found."

I look at him in surprise, not having expected for him to speak so casually about their personal life story. Aren't they afraid I'll tell someone?

I don't know a lot about Gangs and the Underground, but I figured that their reputation as tough bad boys is something they both need and want to keep.

"He got into a pretty bad accident when he stole his father's car. He was only seventeen back then. I shared a hospital bed with him.I may have gotten myself beat up bad enough to receive some broken bones and a concussion. Perhaps a stab wound too."

He smiles a little pained, like the memory is still fresh while I am having trouble connecting the boy who sits so sad and burdened next to me to someone who would get into such a brutal fight.

"He didn't say much, kept quiet and to himself. Then his father paid him a visit- told him that if Jin was intent to ruin his life, he should have just killed himself already and spared them the embarrassment.He left and told him not to bother coming home. I could hear him cry the entire night and he finally spoke to me. Told me all about his abusive father, who only cared about his reputation and his status. Told me this was not the first time in hospital, only the first he caused himself. You should have seen his face of relieve when I offered him a place to sleep."

A deep sorrow fills my heart when I look back at Jin. He is currently smiling and running in circles, chased by Jungkook who looks like he's about to punch the shit out of him.

"He never forgave his father for saying those things to him, and I know he still cries some nights."

I look at him with big eyes.

"Why are you telling me all this? Are you sure Jin would be okay with me knowing?"

He smiles at me sideways.

"Only a good little girl like you would care about others feelings like that. But no- we all accepted what happened to us, and we want you to understand why we are the way we are."

I only nod. Partly because I understand, and because I really do want to know.

"Suga was similar to Jin. I met him in a night club where he had gotten himself so drunk, I just had to take him home with me. He'd just gotten out of Juvie for burning down his step-fathers garage. The asshole didn't deserve better for how he treated Suga's mom, if you ask me. But his mother didn't visit him once the entire two years he sat in that cell. And when he was finally released, he found out they had moved away. Got another child and forgot about him. He made a habit of getting drunk every night and sleep at some strangers place he picked up. He still gets aggressive sometimes, but we do our best to only let him put it out on us or immobile things- and make sure their is no lighter on him."

RM smirks at my worried expression and throws another rock.

"Jimin found us next. He was running away from his father who was deeply embedded in the crime scene in Busan. He'd involved Jimin as a distraction in a lot of his coups- used his own son to make illegal money and put him in harms way every time. Until Jimin couldn't handle the constant fear of getting killed any more and fled. Especially after he lost his sister. I was working in a tech shop at the time that- well..."

He scratches his head, looking a little uncomfortable.

"Let's just say it didn't just sell legal stuff. Jimin was looking for a fake ID and passport to go under. He had nowhere else to go and so I took him under my wing too."

I suddenly have the image of a young, lost Jimin in my head, so unlike the swaggering, sexy guy I got to meet today.

"It wasn't me who found Hoseok, but Suga. He got a job as a DJ and told me about this rich kid that always came to his club, getting high on drugs and ending up wild and spaced out of his head. Usually he would end up being thrown out, trashing and hitting around himself until he got down from his trip."

I shoot him an incredulous look.

"Are we really talking about J-Hope here?"

He nods quietly.

"I know right? But I guess that happens to a kid who was never loved. His parents never cared about him, sending him off to nannies or just simply leaving him home alone in their massive villa. I don't know why they even bothered having a child when they clearly didn't want one. J-Hope is giddy and full of energy by nature. But the pain his parents left him with never went away. He still gets... flashbacks. And aftermath of all the drugs he took when trying to deal with that hole in his heart.Of never having had anyone who loved him. And when he does- we can only make sure he doesn't hurt himself in the process."

I swallow hard, not wanting to think of a crazy, drug infused J-Hope.

"And then there's Jungkook of course. You know he's an orphan?"

I nod, unable to say anything more. An emotion was beginning to swell me up, rising with every word coming from RM's mouth.

"He's a lot like J-Hope in the sense that he never had anyone who loved him. Jungkook's entire childhood consisted of desperately searching for someone who would love him. Who would give him a place where he belonged. He doesn't talk about his time in the Orphanage, at least to no one but Jimin, but I know- we all do, that nothing good happened to him there. He was fourteen when he ran away from there, only to be found by the wrong person."

A dark shadow falls over Namjoon's eyes, so dark I nearly flinch.

"We don't blame him for the choice he made back then. He was beaten down by the world, abandoned and forgotten and he only wanted someone to care whether he lived or died. Suho, the leader of X-EXO made use of that- of his misery. They made him do fucked up things, Lian...some of which he has never talked to me about and probably never will. But I know they messed him up bad. I'm not sure he would have been able to live with himself for much longer if Jimin hadn't told me about him."

"Jimin?"

"Yeah. It's long story, but Jimin-"

He pauses and furrows his brows.

"If there is one thing he hates above all, it's seeing other's being used and taken advantage of like his father had of him. He knew JK only wanted to feel like he belonged somewhere but that he hated what they made him do. The last straw was when... when they made him beat up this kid. He begged us to get JK out and I decided to meet him myself."

He broke off, and I could swear I saw some tears glistening in his eyes.

"He was in bad shape, Lian. If we hadn't pulled him out then and there and taken him in, I'm sure he would have taken his own life. I will never regret it, even if it got somewhat complicated with X-EXO. Some- Some shit happened. But even now that he's grown and has us, whenever he sees the other gang or anything related to them, it's like we never got him out. It breaks my heart when I see how he turns back into that scared bunny who only wanted someone to accept him."

My hands ball into fists. That emotion is slowly starting to swell over.

"And what about Taehyung?" I ask, my voice grave.

RM drops his head, shaking it slightly as if trying to think of how to explain.

"I don't really know. He never told me what happened to him."

I blink in confusion.

"But you guys seem so close. And yet he hasn't told you?"

"We aren't just close- those boys, they are my family. My brothers."

I can see the love shining out of his eyes. Love and responsibility and I realize why he's their leader. Not just because he helped and took them in, but because he's willing to do anything for them, no matter the price or consequences.

"First time we met him was on a bridge in the middle of the night."

My breath hitches. I'm suddenly no longer sure if I want to know and whether I can handle the truth.

"Me and the others were just driving past when we saw him stand on the railing, looking down. We got out and started talking to him. Up until this day we don't know if he meant to jump- he's never told us and we never pushed for an answer. What matter is, that we managed to get him down and took him with us. In a matter of a few weeks, he had us wrapped around his fingers. He has a certain type of charm, in case you haven't noticed."

He shoots me a grin which I can't help but return even as my body feels hot.

"But-" RM starts and looks at the last traces of the setting sun, turning his feature into something livid.

"I don't think we got him completely of that bridge. What you saw him do today is just one of many things. He constantly gets himself in situation where he could actually die, and no matter what we do, we can't stop him. Whatever happened to him before us left him with something that he can't shake."

My voice is barley a whisper.

"Why are you really telling me this, RM?"

I'm starting to doubt he only told me because he wants me to understand. And I know I'm right when I see him turn to me with a serious expression. He studies me for a second, like he's weighing the words in his head.

"Because Taehyung is addicted to excitement and danger- and I've never seen him more excited about anything than you."

I swallow hard, not sure how to feel about that information.I should find it horrifying to be the cause of excitement for someone as dangerous as Taehyung, but I still can't help but feel thrilled at the thought.

"But one more thing, Lian " RM now interrupts, nibbling at his lower lip and a look of uncertainty flashes over his feature, almost like he's not sure if he should continue.

"While I really hope you can help him in some way, you should also be careful. I love that boy like a brother but not even I can predict his actions sometimes."

The warning hits something deep inside me, but I decide to discover the reason for that later. All I can feel is this hot, burning emotion that swirls my body. RM seems to be able to see it too and shoots me a frowning look.

"It's okay to pity us, but it's not the only reason I'm telling you this. I just wanted to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into- And give you the chance to back out if you need to."

In the back of my mind I register the words for what they really are: he's offering me a way out. If it's too much for me, I can just stand up and walk away right now. A choice.He's giving me a choice to leave and forget all about this.

But I'm suddenly not so sure any more. Not sure about anything anymore.

Only one thing I am certain off. And it's the feeling that rose in my, finally making sense.

I turn to him, the sun already gone and giving way to the darkening of the night as I get close to RM. Close enough so he will see and understand.

The voice that comes out of me is barely louder than a whisper and yet I can't remember ever talking with such confidence.

"It's not pity you see. It's anger. I hate them all for what they did to you guys. I hate the fact that the people who were supposed to give you love, hope and a future disappointed and hurt you and made you become this way.And I am pissed at all those people looking down on you when they have got not a single clue what your life looks like."

I see his eyes widen in surprise.

"Why? You've only just met us?"

I smile at him. I don't manage to make the anger vanish, but I push it down for now. And I also decide it's time to say what I really think- just like RM has been honest with me, I will be honest with him.

"You said it yourself earlier."

He looks at me expectantly and I give him a brilliant smile, getting even closer to his face so our eyes were mere inches from each other.

"I am the good girl. And aren't good girls supposed to be sympathetic and understanding?"

He chuckles then and stands up, holding out a hand.

"I really did think that, you know- that you were a good, little girl and this would be nothing more than a fun way to play with you a little."

His bashful words make me blink, but I don't feel hurt- I've always suspected that that was the reason why they brought me here.

I take his hands and he helps me up.I stand.

"But Lian- you turned out to be so much more than we ever thought."

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