seven

Alan pulls the lid off the platter on the room service table, a raw steak sitting on the plate. Stu sits on the edge of the dining table, Phil sitting on the chair backwards and hugs the back as you stand in-between Phil and Stu, all of you watching Alan.

"This doesn't seem fair," Stu mumbles as Alan starts to poke the roofie pills into the steak.

"It's rock, paper, scissors. Nothing more fair," Phil says.

"You'll be fine. Just don't get too close," you say.

"Alan should do it," Stu says.

"Alan took a punch from Mike Tyson, after (y/n) beat the shit out of him. Come on, for Doug," Phil says.

"Yeah, but he kind of deserved that. And Stu's right, the tiger is technically Alan fault," you say.

"Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper," Stu says, all of you looking over again to see Alan adding pepper to the steak.

"Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon," Alan says.

"I- never mind," you sigh.

"Phil, just do it. You should do it," Stu says as Phil sits up.

"I would, but you lost. It wouldn't be right," he says, leaning back against the chair as you chuckle softly.

"All right, I jammed five roofies in there. Just go in there and throw it in to him," Alan says, picking up the steak and handing it Stu.

"Fine," Stu says, grabbing it and walking over to the bathroom.

"Make sure he eats the whole thing," Phil says as Stu walks into the bathroom, shutting the door. You sigh, walking over to the curtains and glancing out the window before hearing Stu scream from inside the bathroom. You quickly walk over, Phil and Alan also standing up and aware as Stu quickly walks out and slams the door behind him, leaning back against it.

"What do we do now?" he asks.

"We wait," Alan says.

-

Stu plays a tune on the piano as you all wait for the tiger to fall asleep, sitting together on the armchairs in the lounge around it. You sit in-between Phil's legs as you sit on the couch, Phil leaning into the back of the sofa as you lean against his chest. One of his hands softly plays with your hair, pulling it away from your face as his other holds yours. The moment definitely makes your heart beat very fast, butterflies fluttering in your stomach, but you also can't help but feel relaxed from the close presence of Phil. It's times like this when you wonder if his intention was to comfort you like a brother, or comfort you as a close friend who has feelings for you. Alan sits in the other armchair next to you as he glances around the room, looking at the weird disaster.

"We still don't know how we got the chickens," you whisper to Phil, noticing the chicken on top of the piano.

"I don't think I want to know," he chuckles.

"What do tigers dream of, when they take a little tiger snooze?" Stu sings, a small laugh falling from your lips.

"Do they dream of mauling zebras, or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit? Well, don't you worry your pretty stripped head, we're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cozy tiger bed," he sings.

"What goes through his head?" Phil chuckles.

"And then we're gonna find our best friend, Doug, and then we're gonna give him a best friend hug. Doug, Doug," he harmonizes, still perfectly hitting the right notes on the piano.

"He must practice this shit," you mumble.

"Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug. But if he's been murdered by crystal-meth tweakers..." he trails off. Phil sighs, pulling this hand away from your head to check his watch.

"Well then we're shit out of luck," he finishes quickly. You look over when you hear the tiger groaning and a loud thud, looking back over at Stu.

"Stu, if you're done your little concert, I think the tiger just passed out."

-

"By the way, we're all gonna die," Stu says as he backs out of the room with the luggage cart, you holding the other side of the cart as Phil and Alan follow behind you.

"Wait, wait," Alan says, pushing in front of you to fix the blanket over the tiger's face, hitting your shoulder on the way and causing the cart to jerk to the side and the tiger's face to hit off the wall.

"Oh, God," Phil mutters, walking next to you.

"Alan, fuck off!" you whisper.

"His nose! That's his nose," Stu says as you continue walking down the hall.

"It's not my fault, Alan pushed me."

-

You sit on Stu's lap in the middle of the front seats, all of you sitting in silence due to the fear of either waking the tiger, or just not knowing what to say. Phil drives the car, Alan sitting in the passenger seat.

"Hey, guys, when's the next Hailey's comet?" Alan asks, breaking the silence as Stu looks over at him.

"Who cares, man?" Phil asks. You sigh, shifting uncomfortably, Phil glancing over as your shoulders touch.

"Do you know, Stu?" he asks.

"I don't think it's for, like, another 60 years or something," Stu says tiredly.

"But it's not tonight, right?" he asks.

"No, I don't think so," Stu says.

"But you don't know for sure?"

"No," Stu says quietly.

"I got this cousin mark who saw one. He says it blew his mind. I want to make sure I never miss out on a Hailey's Comet. So, if you guys know there's gonna be one-"

"Can you stop moving? Your butt is boney," Stu says, cutting Alan off.

"Stu, you're gonna have to suck it up for the time being," Phil mumbles.

"If you don't like it, sit with the tiger," you say.

"You sit with the tiger-" Stu is cut off by a loud roar, all of you looking back to the tiger now awake and sitting up behind you.

"Holy fuck!" Phil yells as you all immediately start yelling and screaming, everything you're yelling jumbling together as the car swerves in the tunnel, Phil very distracted from the fucking roaring tiger. The tiger lifts its paw, scraping its nails down the side of Phil's neck and leaving large, bloody scratch marks.

"Holy shit!" you yell, watching Phil struggle to control the road, hitting off the side of a truck before pulling over to the side, all of you quickly spilling out of the car. Phil immediately shuts the door afterwards, you all panting and completely out of breath as you watch the tiger in the back seat.

"Fuck!" Phil yells as the tiger starts chewing apart the seats.

"Stu? Stu, it got me!" he says, pulling down the collar of his shirt.

"You got clawed! You're bleeding," Stu says.

"Fuck," Phil groans, touching his bloody neck and pulling away his now bloody fingers. The tiger breaks the back window, all of you jumping back as it looks out and roars at you.

-

"Guys, I can't do this!" Alan says, jumping back from the car and nervously jumping up and down. You sigh, continuing to help the guys push the vehicle up the road.

"Get your fucking hand back in there and steer the car!" Phil whispers.

"I'm too nervous!" he pants.

"Alan, we need you buddy! This is your time to shine, okay?" Stu asks. You continue to push forwards, the muscles in your legs burning with each step.

"Okay, yeah, whew. Oh, daddy's gonna kill me," he says, sticking his hand back in through the window and continuing to steer.

"That's it," Stu says.

"That's good, keep it straight" Phil says, the three of you slightly out of breath.

-

Alan rings the doorbell, Mike's assistant guy opening the door as a different man stands behind him.

"You're late," he says.

"Whatever, man. We had to push it the last mile," Phil sighs.

"Come on in. Mike's got something he wants to show you," he says, stepping aside so you all can walk in. Phil walks in last, stopping when he hears the tiger growling again.

"The thing's out of control, man. Seriously, you gotta put it down," he says before the man closes the front door, leading you down the hall of the large house. You eventually reach a small living room with a large tv, which you assume is its own room specifically for the damn security cameras.

"Take a seat," he says, all of you sitting on the black leather couch around Mike.

"When we got back, we took a look at the security cameras," Mike says.

"Great," Phil smirks. The guy turns the tv on, a video of the five of you all stumbling in the yard, gripping onto each other for support.

"It's Doug," Stu says.

"Oh my god," you say, letting out a breath of relief.

"Thank god he's alive," Phil sighs.

"That's our buddy. That's who we've been missing," Stu explains, Phil smiling and winking at you.

"Yes. We're all best friends," Alan adds, ruining the moment.

"Why don't you just pay attention? I don't have all night," Mike says, holding a small white dog in his arms.

"Yeah, of course. Of course," Phil says, looking back at the tv.

"What are you doing?" Stu asks in the video as you all stumble into the backyard pool area.

"That's me, I'm on tv. I've never been on tv before," Alan smiles.

"Hey guys, check this out," Alan says, balancing over the rocks and pulling out his dick, peeing into the pool.

"Really? Really, Alan?" Phil asks. You watch as Stu bumps into you, your ankle rolling as you almost fall into the pool, Doug quickly grabbing your hand and pulling you back up before you both fall on the ground, laughing uncontrollably. You can't help but let a small smile form on your face, remembering how you, your brother and your friends were all having a great time before you were drugged and fucking lost him. Phil laughs at you both, grabbing one of your hands and grabbing Doug's with the other.

"C'mon, you small monkeys," he jokes, helping you both stand up as you fall into his chest, laughing as you cling onto his jacket. You look over at Phil, seeing him smile softly at the video as well.

You look back over to see Mike giving Alan a death stare as he still pisses in the pool, Alan stuttering as he watches.

"Yeah, I was, uh-" he says.

"You're gonna overflow the pool, man!" Stu laughs on the video.

"Maybe I - should I wait outside?" Alan asks.

"I think that's a good idea, Alan," Mike says.

"Yeah," Alan mumbles, standing up and walking out of the room.

"Don't touch anything out there, either," the man warns as Alan walks out.

"You know what? He's not our good friend-we don't know him that well," Stu explains. You look back to the video to see Phil leading the tiger on a leash out of the driveway and towards the front gate where the cop car is parked, all of you laughing and giggling at each other.

"By the way, where'd you get that cop car from?" Mike asks, your eyes wide from watching you guys tame it so easily as if the tiger couldn't have just eaten you all if it wanted to.

"We, uh, stole it. From these dumbass cops," Stu smirks. You guess he wasn't lying when he said he was going to tell everybody you guys stole a cop car.

"Nice!" Mike says, all of you quickly laughing along with him to try and ease up the mood while watching you steal his tiger.

"High five that one!" he says, high-fiving Stu as you move towards the car, opening the backdoor and the tiger jumping in.

"You know, I just have to say, I have never seen such a more elegant, beautiful, just regal creature," Phil says, obviously trying to suck up to get on Mike's good side.

"Check it out! Stu, Stu!" Phil says on the camera, moving to hump the back of the tiger after he had just complimented it to Mike.

"Fuck this tiger!" he laughs, pretending to literally fuck it.

"Oh, god. That's awful," Phil says as you all watch it lay out.

"Who does shit like that, man?" Mike asks, looking over at Phil.

"Phil does," you chuckle quietly, just loud enough for Stu to hear.

"Someone who has a lot of issues, obviously. I'm a sick man," Phil says as Stu rolls on the ground in laughter, Alan projectile vomiting all over the car before falling in it. The man clicks off the tv, all of you now awkwardly looking at each other.

"That's all we've got," he says.

"This was, hugely helpful, really. Because now we know that our buddy Doug was with us at 3:30, totally alive," Stu says.

"Thanks again, champ. And, again, we are so sorry we stole your tiger," Phil says.

"Don't worry about it, man. Like you said, we all do dumb shit when we're fucked up," Mike says. You sigh, knowing that he thankfully doesn't blame you, completely. They both start laughing, again trying to suck up and ease the mood.

"I did say that," Phil chuckles.

"Okay, I think we should go. Thank you so much, this could've really helped us find my brother," you say, even though you know it didn't make too much of a difference other than the fact that you know he was alive past 3:30 am. You're just trying to sound as nice as you can so he doesn't knock you out like he did to Alan.

"He will show you out," Mike says, referring to the bodyguard as you all stand up and begin to walk towards the front door.

"Oh, by the way, here are your heels. Found them outside the fence," he says, holding the black laced heels in his hand.

-

"You know, everyone says Mike Tyson is such a badass, but I think he's kind of a sweetheart," Stu says as he drives, Phil sitting in the passenger seat holding his head up with is fist while you and Alan sit in the back.

"I think he's mean," Alan mumbles.

"You deserved what you got," you say.

"All right. I think it's officially time we call Tracy," Phil says, looking over at the three of you.

"Hallelujah. Finally, Phil says something that makes sense," Stu says.

"No-no, we can't call Tracy. She will kill me if she finds out we fucked so much up. The exact reason she sent me was to make sure shit like this doesn't happen!" you say.

"I mean-we don't have much of a choice. And, who knows, maybe she's heard from Doug," Phil says.

"That's what I've been saying this whole time," Stu says. You sigh, hitting the back of your head off the seat. Stu pulls into an empty parking lot, stopping in the middle of it.

"We need to be completely honest, we need to tell her everything," Phil says. Stu pauses for a moment, pointing at Phil.

"We don't need to tell her everything. I mean, we can leave out the stuff about me, marrying a hooker," Stu says.

"And you piercing my nipples," you say.

"Just stay focused on Doug," Stu says.

"What am I gonna tell my dad about this car?" Alan asks.

"Tell him you gave us roofies and made us do some fucked up shit," you say.

"Alan, relax, it's just the inside. C'mon, I've got a guy in LA that's great with interiors," Phil says, looking back at you as a large black car comes speeding towards Phil's side.

"Phil! Watch out!" you yell as the car slams into your car, sending the vehicle across the parking lot and into a large sign, the sign coming down and breaking through the roof of the car.

"Shit!" you yell, quickly dodging the sign as you look around at everybody.

"You guys okay?" you ask.

"What the fuck?" Phil says, looking out the window to see the same little asian guy that you had found in the trunk and attacked you earlier in the day.

"Hey, I know that guy. That's the guy from the trunk!" Alan says.

"Get out of the car, please," he says, standing in front of the windshield as the same two men who had come after you guys earlier with a bat and gun stepping behind him.

"W-w-wait- those are the guys that shot Eddie!" Stu says.

"Listen- oh, okay," Phil says as one of the guys grabs Phil's arms, pulling him out of the window as Phil just complies.

"Easy, easy," Stu says as the Phil's feet touch the ground.

"Okay, all right," Phil says, struggling to get from the guy's grasp.

"Hey-relax! Ow! Ow! Ow!" Stu whines as the other guy puts him out next, not nearly as gracefully as they pulled Phil out.

"I have whiplash!" Stu yells as he puts him on the ground.

"Get this other fat boy," the small guy says, both guys walking over to pull Alan out, once again, not as nicely as Phil. As they both struggle with Alan, you lift your butt onto the door, sliding your legs out and getting out of the window yourself, both of them looking at you confusedly afterwards before looking away.

"I want my purse back, assholes," the little asian guy says, holding up the same ugly brown purse Alan had yesterday.

"What? Your purse?" Phil asks, leaning against the car with his hand on top of the roof and the other on his hip.

"That's not a purse, it's a satchel," Alan says.

"It's a purse! Okay? And you steal from wrong guy," he says, his rather funny Chinese accent prominent in his voice.

"Wait a second, wait a second, we stole from you?" Phil asks.

"Okay, you know what? We don't remember anything that happened last night, so help us out a little here!" Stu begs.

"Well, apparently you guys met at a craps table late last night. Yeah, you were on a real heater when he played your hot streak," one of the guards say, pointing at Alan. "He ended up winning just under eighty grand."

"No shit? Eighty grand is nice," Phil says.

"Okay, that's good," Stu adds.

"He put the chips in his purse, and then you guys took off with it," the guy adds.

"Ohh," you mumble quietly, all of you realizing now why this isn't a good thing.

"That doesn't sound like us," Stu says, shaking his head.

"Mine had 80,000 dollar inside! And this one? Nothin," the little one says, clenching the purse in his hands before he throws it to the ground, stomping on it.

"Hey there are skittles in there!" Alan yells, slowly stepping forward before the guard nails him in the stomach, Alan groaning as he quickly turns away.

"Ow! Oh, not again," he whines, stumbling away. The little man laughs, watching Alan in pain.

"Don't let the beard fool you, he is a child," Stu says as Alan leans into the window.

"It funny because he's fat!" he laughs. You sigh, rubbing your forehead as you watch the stressful situation unfold.

"Now, look, this was obviously a very simple misunderstanding. Alan picked up the wrong purse, it's no big deal!" Stu says.

"Okay, if it is 'no big deal,' why, when I come after you guys, he start screaming like crazy and throw me in trunk?" he asks, pointing at Phil.

"What, I did that?" Phil asks, pointing to himself.

"Yeah, you said he was your lucky charm and you wanted to take him home with you," the guard says. Phil and Stu start laughing, but you choose to keep a straight face and maybe try not to get even father not their bad side.

"Good luck charm," Stu laughs.

"Oh, it's just funny!" Phil says. The man fakes a loud laugh before dropping the face again.

"Fuck you," he says, Stu and Phil stopping the laughter.

"If you want to see your friend again, you give me my eighty grand," he threatens.

"Do you know where Doug is?" you ask, slowly stepping forward.

"What--our friend?" Phil asks.

"You have Doug?" Stu asks.

"You know something about our friend?" Phil asks.

"If you know where he is you fucking tell me right now, you small-dicked bastard," you spit, stepping even closer. The guard hits the side of the car next to you, a man in the backseat with a bag over his head, struggling against handcuffs.

"Doug!" you all yell as you run over to the back tinted window and peek in. A guard quickly grabs you, picking you up and carrying you away, putting you down next to Phil and Stu who were also just pulled away.

"Let him go!" you yell, punching him in the face as hard as you can before he pushes you backwards, Phil quickly catching you.

"Okay, okay. All right, fine, fine," Phil says, trying to ease the men down as he helps you regain your balance.

"What do you want?" Stu asks.

"Oh-not so good now. Quid pro quo, douchebag," he says.

"What?" Stu asks at the confusing statement.

"Look, we're very sorry, But this is an easy fix. Alan, where's his purse?" Phil asks.

"I don't know," Alan says in a squeaky voice.

"Wha-wh-it's in the hotel room, right?" Stu stutters.

"Yeah, we can get it," Phil says.

"Yeah-we can get you the pur-we can even write you a check, right now," Stu suggests.

"No chance! Cash only," he says, rubbing his fingers together.

"There's a person in there!" Stu yells.

"Boriing," the man yawns, patting his hand over his open mouth.

"I take nap. Come on," he says, the other men following him back to the car.

"Hey--we're sorry we're boring you! Doug, it's okay!" Phil yells as the guys get in the van.

"You kidnapped our friend! Kidnapper! Oh, wait, you're not going anywhere," Stu says, moving to stand in front of the moving car and grabbing the front of it as it turns, standing in front of it. You quickly run to the backseat door, trying to open it before noticing it's locked, banging your hand badly off the window.

"Open it, you coward!" you yell. Phil runs up behind you as the guy slowly rolls down the window.

"Bring money to Big Rock in Mojave Desert at dawn," he says.

"What?" Phil asks, Stu now behind you, too.

"Too-da-loo, motherfucker," he says before the car drives off.

"Well at least take the bag off his head--fuck!" Stu yells.