Homesick

Clara

I grew up in Fairfield, Iowa. We lived in a small three bedroom house. Even after my brother moved out, Harper and I still shared a room. Our decor throughout the house was empty beer bottles and cigarettes. Dad would go to work and then come home already on his fourth beer. He was a fully functional alcoholic. I'm honestly embrassasses to being Spencer to this place but I feel safer knowing he's going to be there. Knowing that, as long as he's there my dad can't lay a hand on me. Not again.

"Home sweet home." I say as we pull into the driveway, the house is still beat up, it's like nothing changed since I left. We get out of the car and I grab Spencer's hand. He squeezes it like three times so I turn and give him a soft smile. The chilly April air is blowing through my body, I knock on the door and Harper immediately answers it. I stare at her, she's so grown up. I haven't seen her in nearly 10 years, and wow, she's all grown up. She looks at me the same way,

"You dyed your hair." She says and I look at Spencer who looks lost. I always had bleached hair in highschool, i keep it natural now.

"And you grew up." I pull her close to me and give my not so little sister a hug. I never thought i'd actually be able to see her again.

"Who's the guy?" Harper winks at me and then turns to Spencer.

"Harper this is my boyfriend, Spencer. Spence this is my little sister, Harper." I introduce them and she holds out her hand to shake with him.

"Spencer doesn't shake hands, germaphobe." Which makes me laugh because he really has no problem shoving his tongue down my throat.

"Is he home?" I peak in the door but I can't see anything.

"Clara." She stops me from trying go inside. My heart stops for a minute.

"What?" I let go on the door handle I had grabbed.

"Please don't be mad at me for lying, I just had to get you here." I open the door and walk inside, what does she mean lying? I feel like time is flying by.

"I knew that if I told you the truth you wouldn't believe me and I needed you to believe." Harper is chasing after me I was turn down the hall for the living room. I stop when I see my dad standing in front of the window. I look around the room and it's the cleanest I've ever seen it.

I turn behind me to see Harper standing with her arms crossed, Spencer lingers behind her.

"Hey Clara Grace." My dad's voice is what throws me off. I haven't heard it since the night I left  home. I turn back to face him, he looks cleaned up, he looks healthy, he's looks sober.

"What is this?" I turn to Harper who steps out in front of me now.

"I knew you wouldn't believe me if I told you so I had to get you here. Dad's sober Clara." She smiles and looks up towards him.

"1 year today." He adds. I feel sick, he's sober? He's been sober for a year? Is any of this real? I feel myself getting dizzy and reach for something to grab. I feel Spencer quickly come up behind me. I hold onto his arm.

"Come on, you need to sit down." He walks me into the room fully and we both sit down in the small sofa. My dad stays standing and Harper goes for the chair in the corner.

"And you are...?" I can't focus but when i look up from my lap my dad is looking at Spencer.

"Spencer Reid." He answers and I shake my head in attempt to come back to reality.

"He's my boyfriend." I add look up at my dad again. He just nods.

"How have you been Clara?" Dad sits back on the bay window and waits for me to answer. I think about all that I accomplished. College, Med school, i'm debt free, i'm about to be a surgical attending in a few years, a big time surgeon. I think about how I have a nice place to live, how I have the man of my dreams, how i haven't been able to drive a car since the night I left home.

As i sit here trying to precede the whirlwind of emotions crashing through me, I can't help but feel a mix of disbelief and hope stirring within me. My father, the man who has haunted my nightmares for years, now stands in front of me transformed, bearing the weight of a new found sobriety. It's something i'd never imagine to be true.

"How have you been Clara?" His question still lingers in the air. I search his eyes for any trace of the man that I once knew, the man who let his demons drive him into darkness. But i can find is a flicker of remorse.

"I've been...okay." I mumbled and he so does he. I tell him how I'm a surgeon, how I've bettered my life. As we go back and forth between catching up stories theres a voice in the back of my head telling me to run, tormented by the scars of the past.  Spencer's hand finds mine grounding me the present moment as my mind starts to wonder off. 

After my dad and I have our little catch up I walked around the house with Harper. As I look around at the familiar yet unfamiliar surroundings of my childhood home, i realize that perhaps redemption isn't just a distant dream— it's a a choice we must make every day.

"That you Harper," I say when we reach the living room again. Spencer stands up from the couch where I left him with my dad. Harper shoots me a confusing look.

"For bringing me here." She smiles, and gives me a hug.

"Next time though, just find a lie that doesn't stress me out so much." I giggle and so does she, agreeing to my terms. Gène when i turn around my dad is standing there with his hands in his pocket. Both of us not sure if we should hug or not. He's stretch's his arms out and I hesitantly give him a hug. I haven't hugged my father since I was 7.

"I'm sorry for everything i put you through, you brother and sister through, your mother." He lets go and I feel sick again. Hearing him mention my mom, he hasn't talked about her since she left.

"I'm proud of you Clara, so proud." I want to cry at his words, it doesn't matter how many times he hit me, how many times he scared me. He was my dad, he's always been my dad. Sometimes we aren't strong enough to fight our demons, dad was never strong enough to fight his.

He insists that we stay another day and stop by for dinner tomorrow, I agree and tell him we'll be over again at 6 tomorrow night. Harper walks Spencer and I out to the car. He gets in the drivers side and Harper follows me to the passenger side I roll down my window and she leans in.

"How did he do it? How did he find the courage to get sober?"  Harper's expression changed.

"Um, I came home late one night and he wasn't having a good night. He got so angry at me that he smashed a bottle over my head and beat me til I passed out." I can see her getting teary eyed.

"Uh, I woke up in the hospital and they told me that I lost my baby," she pauses and waits for my reaction, in shocked, she would've had to been 16?

"That's when Dad decided to get clean, I didn't know I was pregnant. But it brought us closer together in a strange way. I know how it sounds Clara, I really do but we have to take what we can get. People like us." She gives soft smile and I stare at her in fear.

"People like us?" I repeat her and she nods.

"We get to choose our own futures Harper, you are not this place." I put my hand on her shoulder and she smiles.

Spencer and I drive back to the hotel we booked before hand and when we reach the room I flop onto the bed with a huge sigh. Spencer sits down next to me and kisses my cheek.

"That was a lot." He lays back, his legs still hanging off the edge.

"You're telling me." I lay back too and turn to face his direction.

"I know it's only 4pm but what if we get under these covers right now and snuggle up for bed?" I grin at him and he nods. Rushing under the blankets like it's a race. He grabs my body and pulls me close to him.

"Clara," He murmurs in my hair, I turn around so i can see his face.

"I love you." The words hit my heart hard, he says it so relaxed I almost couldn't believe he said it.

I stare at him for a while with a shocked smile covering my face.

"I love you too, Spence." I push my lips against his.

I love him.

"I love you Spencer Reid, for all that you are, and all that you will be." I whisper when we pull apart. He smile against my lips.

"Do you know how long I've wanted to say that?" He looks at me with his adorable puppy dog eyes.

"Not as long as me." I run my hands through his hair and snuggle up closer to him. After all the chaos from today this is exactly what I needed, I needed this.

Dinner with my dad and sister the next day was nice, I still hold resentment towards him but I've never been one to not forgive. I think forgiveness is my biggest weakness. There's only person in the entire planet whom I can't forgive.

"You'll have to come back when I graduate next year." Harper says as we're wrapped in a tight hug. I look at Spencer but he seems off, he's not here right now. Physically he's here, mentally, i'm not sure where he is.

"We'll be there." I give her soft smile and then my dad walks back into the room to say his goodbyes.

"Take care of her?" He looks at Spencer after giving me a quick hug. Spencer looks up, his expression is blank.

"Always," He presses his lips together in a like line and I can't help but just wonder what the hell is going on that I don't know about? I may not be some FBI profiler, but I know when the vibes are off. I wonder if that's what profilers do? Detect vibes? Clara stop.

I wait until we're in the car to say something to him.

"What was that?" I question him and Spencer turns his head towards me.

"What?" I roll my eyes at his attempt in playing dumb.

"In there, you were off. We've been off this whole time, why?" Spencer just gives me light smile.

"I've had this migraine for a few days. I think it's from the plane and all the driving." 

"Why didn't you say something sooner?" I put my hand in his face and rub my thumb against his cheek. He leans into it.

"We're going to miss our flight if we don't get going."  I point out looking at radio clock in the car.

As we drive down the the roads that I grew up wondering I can't help but see a man getting out of his car as pass the gas station. We get stopped at the light in front of it and I'm still staring. He's looking down at his phone and when he looks up my heart stops beating.

Johnathan.

Everything's moving in slow motion, he's sees me too. He doesn't smile or wave he just stares at me. Please can this light turn green. Everything comes flooding back, the memories, the accident, the mess of blood.

Everything goes black.

———————AN: Booooo! Everyone boo John!

how we feeling abt Mr Luke Hastings? (clara's dad)

Opinions on Harper??